Two Sentence Summary: Part one of three of these ladies justifying their bad behavior… loudly.
Rachel: So here we go. I’m already cringing. Are these reunions really necessary? Like really really necessary? And three parts? What did we ever do to deserve this kind of torture? I mean besides turn on the TV and voluntarily tune in… But I’m not going to go on about this because it’s just delaying in the inevitable, and, beyond that, I have nothing of worth to contribute. So, let’s get on with it. I can hardly wait to watch Gretchen get slaughtered. Yes, it’s her turn, yet again, to play the sacrificial lamb. Oh, how Alexis must be bursting with joy that the heat is off her and her Jesus jugs. Let’s breeze through shall we? Personally, I think rosé is the perfect accompaniment for breezy reunion overviews. What are you drinking?
Wow, it’s like the rainbow coalition up there. And Lydia is wearing that stupid hairband again. Why ladies, why? It’s not cute. It’s really not.
Anywhere here we go… Vicki and Donn are still not officially divorced. Neither is feeling a sense of urgency, mostly because Vicki will have to pay spousal support when they sign the papers. Tamra wants them back together. Donn says when monkeys fly out of his ass. Smart man, that Donn.
Cue Mexico montage… Tamra says that right now she doesn’t trust Gretchen as a friend due to her inconsistencies, but she does miss her. It’s just not good right now. Gretchen hates that there’s weirdness and is sad about it, but it’s obvious that Vicki was determined to put a wedge between them and it worked. And now we have to talk about Andale’s again. Vicki says she didn’t have a plan. It just worked out that way and she made the comment in the heat of the moment. Yeah, no one believes you… except Tamra. Andy says that Tamra comes across as two-faced since she says one thing and then does another. She says that was planted by Gretchen. Uh, no. It’s pretty much understood that you’re all two-faced at this point… and again, cameras.
BTW, Vicki’s face looks pretty good. That’s a nice surprise.
Oh Lord, now we’re talking about Gretchen cheating on Jeff again. What season is this? I seriously can’t even believe this topic is still up for debate. Does anyone actually care at this point? Lydia wants to know what Alexis has to say on the subject since she was tight with Gretchen when this all went down. Alexis will
speak to Gretchen privately because she isn’t going to do the gang-up thing. Hmmm… guessing you’re not on Team Gretchen for this one. Duly noted. After Heather pushes her, Alexis says that she saw them together and Gretchen was on his lap. She did not see her kiss him. Tamra is mad that she had to take the heat for years for being a liar because Gretchen won’t admit the truth. Vicki says she doesn’t hate Gretchen and only wants the best for her. She has nothing but love for her and respects her as a “business woman”. Vicki’s quotes, not mine. And then says they should compare 1099s. Seriously, Vicki? Did you really just insinuate that by making more money, you’re a bigger, better person? You did. You have to stop pretending to be so pure when you really do and say vile things. A lot. Tamra actually tells Vicki to own the fact that she doesn’t like Gretchen. Yes, let’s just call a spade a spade already. And now there is screaming again about Jeff. Can we please move on? Seriously, NO ONE CARES! In fact, I’m not typing another word about it.
Lydia says she’s brighter than people think she is. That’s not saying much, lady. She is actually a genius… in her own opinion. That’s hilarious. No, serious, that’s funny shit right there. Now we have our Lydia montage. First question for her is why is she such a pot stirrer? Good question. She says she’s not a pot stirrer. She’s authentic. Ha. Now, that’s genius. Alexis says she was hurt that Lydia didn’t stick up for her and their friendship at the beginning of the season. Lydia says they weren’t that good of friends, like they are now. Apparently, going out a couple of times means more to Alexis than Lydia. Guess they should have had that “Where does our relationship stand?” conversation.
And now the A-List conversation about Heather being in Lydia’s magazine. Ah, yes. I forgot about this. Lydia says that they have a team of people at the
magazine and that they were putting Marilyn Monroe on the cover that month. Even Heather should be able to realize that they’re not quite on the same level. Heather does, amazingly, recognize that, but was more insulted by Lydia and Doug laughing about it. BTW, Lydia had a 10-page spread in the same magazine, which Heather finds amusing. Lydia finds no humor. Oh, I think it’s hysterical that she would put herself in the magazine. And make it 10 pages. Andy wants to know why Lisa Vanderpump can be on the cover, but Heather can’t? Well, Lisa’s a bigger star. Yeah, that’s kinda true. Heather thinks that’s rude. Can we go back to Lydia doing a 10-page spread in her own magazine? I mean does anyone else think that’s hysterical?
Now, stripper-gate. Lydia thinks dancing on a bar and watching men get naked are very different things. Vicki agrees. Heather has no issue with that, but she does think it’s unfair of Lydia to call them “sort of classy” for having a different belief system. Well, Lydia is mad at Heather for a nasty blog she wrote. Heather said she was wrong and apologized already. Clearly, Lydia isn’t over it. And so she continues to harangue Heather about it and then calls her “princess”. Jesus, Lydia, take a breath. She said she’s sorry… something you haven’t yet managed to do once.
Oh gawd, Lauri is here. Andy goes over the cause of the rift between Lauri & Vicki. Vicki says that she regrets how it went down, but she never had any malicious intent when she showed Jeanna the letter George’s ex mother-in-law sent her. Tamra says that Lauri basically did to Vicki what she’s accusing Vicki of doing to George, but on a much bigger scale. True dat. Vicki lost accounts because of it. Lauri laughs it off (which makes me want to punch her in the throat), and says that George was on this show too. Oh come on, Lauri. Hardly the same thing. Now, Gretchen is screaming about herself. Who was talking to you, Minty?
Let’s just rid of Lauri, please. And the screaming… I can’t take it.
Now, we get to talk about Brooks and the stripper/porn star. I have no idea what just went down but there was a lot of screaming at each other and accusing each other of cheating. Vicki says she hasn’t bothered with Lauri in 7 years and couldn’t care less about her. Leave her alone and she’ll leave Lauri alone. Yes, please.
And that concludes Part 1…
Bottom Line: Just so I’m clear… I just spent an hour of my life rehashing stories that happened years ago? Awesome.