One Sentence Summary: Emily’s exes are back to try and retrieve some of their dignity, but Chris Harrison has other plans.
Rachel: Oh, look! A room full of Emily’s rejects. I wonder if the testosterone bouncing off the walls is so strong that a woman could get pregnant just being in that room. Don’t know. Don’t want to know. But let’s be honest, they’ve all had time to watch themselves getting their egos handed to them and are back to reclaim their manhood… or hoods as it may be. I’m especially interested to hear from Doug. I want to know what watching oneself be the only guy that didn’t get lip felt like and how he’s going to ‘spain it. Now, we all know I’m a big Doug fan and still think it was nerves and respect… But he really should have stepped his game up a few notches. I’m sure Ryan & Kalon are going to get some airtime and say some provocative things, but I’m really not trying to hear anything out of either of them… ever. And what’s the over/under on Chris’s level of bitterness? I’m going with him still being an 8.5 but is going to play it like 4.5 – besides he’s on Bachelor Pad this season and if there’s a better consolation prize, well I don’t know what it is. Then there’s Sean… I’m starting to think I’m the only woman in America that doesn’t get his appeal. Maybe he’ll change my mind tonight. I doubt it, but maybe. Well, at least I get two hours free of meals that no one eats.
Melissa: Yes, the men are back to dish the dirt, or rather pull the “you did me wrong” er, wait… Is that the women? At least we get to visit with Doug, whom I hope is faring well after his trip to Bachelorette-dom. Unfortunately, the flip side of that bliss, is our douchebag bookends Kaylon and Ryan (insert eye roll and twitch). OK, I’ll admit, I’m kind of hoping Ryan tries to pull his “you let THIS get away” and she just flat out tells him he’s an ass. Oh, that’s what dreams are made of my friends… Dreams. I digress, I know it’s really the show where we hear how happy Emily is with her choice and how they are building dreams of Disney proportions together & getting ready to ride off into the sunset… There’s a clue in there, my friends, as to my guess at Emily’s pick. I’m kicking it with a little Two Hands Angel’s Share Shiraz tonight, so let’s bring on the men.
Rachel’s What Happened: Holy crap, before the show even starts I’m already in shock. What is with the mountains of make-up pancaked on these guys? Are the lights brighter in that studio or did someone steal the make-up artist’s glasses? I mean they’re a one sweep of sparkle eye shadow and a man-tuck away from being on RuPaul’s Drag Race. And Ryan looks like he’s auditioning for the part of Pablo Escobar. Spray tan much, Ry? Woo…
Anyway, here we go with Chris’s worship at the altar of Emily. Yes, she’s everyone’s favorite Bachelorette ever… Well, everyone except me. I was partial to Jillian, but anyway… Wait, what’s that? A live finale? Is that possible? And on Sunday? Dude, you’re messing with my schedule here. I’m so confused. I might need to switch to tea or I’ll never make it through to the end.
But we start with Chris interviewing Emily. Isn’t she going to be there? Why do we need to interview her twice? Oh so we can see and hear about Ricki Bobby. Seems having her at her home and the guys right down the street made it just like it would be if she were dating in real life. Uh, I don’t know how you date, but I don’t generally keep a house of potential suitors down the street from me. Though as I think about it, you might be on to something. How do I make that happen? How, I ask… We revisit Ryan’s chauvinism & trophy wife comments. That hurt her feelings. Then there’s Kalon and his helicopter arrival. Oh wait, that’s not Kalon’s legacy… Right, it’s calling Ricki baggage. She calls him out for being spiteful because he’s used to being a big fish in a small pond. He’s just a douche. Let’s be honest. Big pond, small pond, out of the water flopping around on the floor, it’s all the same. Oh boy, and now we have to see Doug kissing Emily as she’s breaking up with him. Ah yes, reliving awkward. Always fun. Well, there we have 8 minutes of show that we will have to relive when each of those guy is interviewed. Seriously, no one wastes more time than TV producers.
Melissa: Yes, poor Emily, life had to be tough for you dating the men while going home at night to take care of Ricki Bobby. We all feel for you, doting men declaring their love for you within 15 minutes of meeting you and then going back to “real life”. Ryan’s dumb ass “you can’t gain weight” comment. Oh the wonderful jackass he was. Then his friend Kalon. I love they’re going to rehash all the men with Emily then we’ll get the tour de force yet again in the studio with the “man-montage” all over again.
The Blooper Reel
Rachel’s What Happened: Look, I’m happy to watch a blooper reel, but I don’t need it curated. I don’t. Oh no! Perfect Emily spilled wine on her dress and swore! Oh my goodness! How terrible. And to think I was concerned about starving children in Africa when Emily potentially ruined her favorite dress she got for free and then forget her perfect southern manners for a moment. I need to get my priorities in order tout de suite! Um, are they really singing to an egg? See, if Travis had brought me into a room to sing a lullaby to an egg, he’d have been gone that night. Well, the hair would have gotten him sent home as well. LMAO – Arie’s brothers are spying on them making out. That’s freaking hilarious. What else do we get to see… Oh, poor Chris trying to dance. Yeah, he shouldn’t do that. Ever.
Melissa: OK, I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, they really need to incorporate more of the behind the scenes for this show. This shit is funny.
Rachel’s What Happened: Are the men actually there? And if I had known I didn’t have to watch the first half an hour of this show, I probably would have anyhow. Let’s be honest. Ed! Ed’s on the show! I liked Ed. Well, makes sense since Jillian was my fave bachelorette. Oh why couldn’t those two make it work? Oh yeah, they met on a reality TV show. Anyway, you know the TWB will be watching and laughing and groaning along with you, all season. I mean they’re making them do a spelling bee. Is there going to be anything funnier than watching these people try and spell, especially Erica Rose? I think not. OK, we’re all watching. Can we get to the men now?
Melissa: Ugh, like I need to deal with a 10 minute promo of the crazy crying. Oh wait, No Lip Chris is on the BP?? Lindzi too? Man, everyone is up for this business. I guess a quarter of a million makes people put themselves up for mockery in the face of the bitches – not to mention the rest of the nation.
Recapping the Recap
Rachel’s What Happened: Finally, some men… and the women go crazy for Sean. Shiny head Sean. Really? Ugh, he’s so going to be the next Bachelor isn’t he? That’s going to kill me. The guys talk about getting out of the limo, or helicopter in Kalon’s case. OK, so I don’t mind a recap if it’s of men getting catty and jealous. We get to revisit Chris’s immaturity problem, Doug’s humility problem, Ryan’s machismo problem and Kalon’s arrogance problem. Oh yes, what a pothole filled road it’s been.
After the guys get to relive their lowest moments, Chris admits that sometimes he was immature. But it was only because he was freaking out. Well, you were freaking out because you weren’t mature enough to handle the situation. And you aren’t the only one that was in your 20’s, but you’re the only one who got your panties in a bunch about it. But he flips it on Ryan and his attitude. Kalon, sensing the opportunity to create an ally with “the other douche”, says that the guys were just threatened by Ryan and his humility. Uh, did I miss the episode where Ryan showed humility? I mean saw humiliation when he got sent home, but not humility. Chris asks Kalon if he recognizes that rolling into a party the way he did was putting a target on his back. Of course he doesn’t. He is still confused as to why he was singled out because someone arriving in a helicopter would be someone he’d truly be interested in talking to. But he does regret the baggage comment. He wasn’t himself at that moment because he was frustrated and that process can get to a person (it’s not lost on anyone that he’s talking directly to Chris). Charlie isn’t having it. He was himself the whole time. And his real self wanted to smack Kalon’s real self. He’s also upset that he went home before Kalon went home. Well, that’s not Kalon’s fault. That might be your fault a weensy bit, no? But then there’s Soul Patch Stevie who is proud to shove calling Kalon out to his face down his throat. Look, I don’t like Kalon either but he’s not wrong that the guys were jealous that he showed up in a helicopter. The rest… well that’s on him.
Melissa: Oy, the recap – as if we haven’t been watching all season long. At least Ryan has the sense to mock his own rooster-locks. No Chris, they weren’t telling you they thought you were immature, though you are completely acting it right now. AW LAWD, you need to take it down a notch. Oh shut up, Kalon. Yes, all of us were upset Charlie was set home before you.
The Kalon Chronicles
Rachel’s What Happened: And in case you just missed that last segment or the opening segment, let’s watch Kalon’s greatest hits…. again. Kalon says that when he signed up, he didn’t know who the Bachelorette was. But when he found out it was Emily, he knew she had a child and that was a big issue for him. Chris asks him why she showed up then. Excellent question. He says it would have reflected badly on his character to not show up. Yes, because it reflected so well on your character showing up and openly not being thrilled about Ricki. He tries to smooth over those wrinkles by saying that he’s an optimist and wasn’t 100% sure he didn’t want a stepchild. No one believes you. Chris also calls him out on being rude to her with his “run along” at the Shakespeare date. Kalon just thinks people don’t get his humor (because it’s not funny) and he didn’t thrive in that environment.
The men have had enough of his trying to explain away his bad behavior and Joe says he was just there for the glitz and glamour of it all. Glitz and glamour? Is that what that is? Tony says he was there for the cameras and not Emily. That makes more sense.
However, Chris isn’t done with his moment and pulls it back in to the one-on-one interview. Guys, don’t interrupt Chris when he’s earning his paycheck by asking the tough questions. Watch and learn a little something about journalism. Funnily enough this is when Chris asks about the “you can speak when I’m finished” moment. Kalon didn’t think that was the most offensive. Ricki as baggage was the most offensive. True, but they were both on the offensive scale, my friend. And yes, we like our lives sugar coated in this country – it allows for us to shirk all personal responsibility (but that’s for another blog) – but we can still uphold a modicum of tact and kindness when we are speaking. And most certainly when we’re trying to woo a woman.
Doug is asked if that comment would ever be ok. Clearly the answer is no. Kids can’t help being here. Sean jumps in and says he doesn’t have to have a kid to know that’s not ever ok. If you love a woman, you have to love every part of her and Ricki is part of Emily. True dat. And Kalon is off the hot seat without Chris opening up questions to the firing squad. Aw, that’s like taking away a favorite chew toy from a pack of dogs. Then again, we’d be here all night with that. Who’s next?
Melissa: A douchebaggery montage. Why? I mean I get he was the “villain” of the season, but I’m tired of that personality. You know him. We’ve all experienced him. Maybe it’s my short fuse lately, but I have zero patience for such unwarranted pompous arrogance. I know he’ll claim he’s misunderstood, and what not, but ugh. Please don’t even try to play your “run along” as playfulness or humor. That’s just straight up douchebaggery plain and simple.
Rachel’s What Happened: Ryan’s turn to sit in the frying pan, after we, of course, watch his most memorable moments. And they are memorable for sure. Wow, did Chris just yell “See ya!” during Ryan’s video? Uh, are you trying to prove everyone right about your maturity level? Look, I’m not going to defend Ryan’s behavior, but even if he handled it like a jack ass, you know how bad that moment of rejection feels. So, why you gonna go rub salt in the someone else’s wound? Go find an upper lip, won’t you?
Anyway, let’s talk about Ryan’s “worldly gifts” shall we? He just chocks it up to being confident in who he is because without that he wouldn’t be successful. Maybe try a quiet confidence? Chris wants to know if he crossed the line from confidence to arrogance. Of course he doesn’t. Chris – No Lips, not Harrison – wants to know about his true feelings for Emily. Ryan says he was reading his journal and he realized that it wasn’t about Emily. It was about finding his wife. OK, at first blush, I was like WTF did you just say? But then I realize that he might be the first guy to realize that it’s not about winning this girl but finding the right girl. I might have to give him some credit for that one. Granted, I don’t like the guy he is, but he does have a point. And I do kinda love that he was trying to fix John up with his ex. That’s pretty funny. Chris comes at Ryan again saying that he told Arie that they’d be the last two standing, and if he didn’t win, he’s be the next Bachelor. Ryan admits to saying it to a few frontrunners, but not Chris since he wasn’t a frontrunner in Ryan’s mind. Oh I’d love to put these two in a cage fight. Now that’s something I’d watch. The Bachelorette: The Men Take It To The Mat. Chris Harrison reassures us that he’s not going to be our next Bachelor. A collective sigh of relief overcomes the room. I don’t know. It would be kind of funny… maybe for a few weeks anyway.
Melissa: You know, if he weren’t such an ass with the Wolverine facial hair, he could be attractive… Kind of. Maybe. I think he’s one of those people who could be good looking (to some), but the more you get to know him the less attractive he becomes.
A Chat With Chris
Rachel’s What Happened: Haven’t we heard enough from him? Well, I guess we still have another hour to fill (groan) so we might as well rehash the rehash that we hashed. Cut to the video… Wait, how come Chris’s bad attitude and meltdowns weren’t shown on the video? That ain’t fair. Well, I guess we’re going to talk about how much it hurt him vs how badly he acted. He loved her 100% and it was hard on him. Chris Harrison wants to know if he angers quickly. He says when he really wants something, he’ll do anything in the world to fight for it. If he comes off angry, then that’s how he comes off. Well, I think you come off angry because you actually are angry. Call me crazy. He’s lost a couple good friends in his life and that’s why he says what he means. You know, because you might not get the chance to be a dick tomorrow. Great philosophy in theory, but shitty on execution friend. Emily made him a believer in love and he is looking forward to falling in love with the right girl. I guess the three he hooks up with on the Bachelor Pad don’t fit into that category. Oh well, I guess we’ll have to watch Bachelor Pad to find out, and I have a feeling my opinion of his isn’t going up.
Melissa: OK Chris, here’s the thing, and I swear I’ve said this once before, but just because you tell a woman you love her doesn’t mean she feels the same. I can’t believe he’ll be on Bachelor Pad. Never mind it’s starting next week… Come on, give a girl a week of downtime to catch up on some History channel documentaries or something.
Rachel: You watch History Channel documentaries?
Rachel’s What Happened: It’s time for everyone’s favorite bachelor, Sean. I know a lot of women want him to be the Bachelor with a capital B, but I’m not one of them. I’m just not buying the “perfect” routine. Something rubs me the wrong way. Can’t put my finger on it and I don’t want to spend an entire season thinking about it and watching him run through towns screaming women’s names. But first, you guessed it, the video…
Side bar: Why does Emily’s crying sound like a cat right before it throws up a hairball?
OK, I’m back… Sean says the video is hard to watch. He truly believed that she was his wife and it never occurred to him that he’d be going home. He says he wonders what he’s missing and no one likes to feel inadequate. Of course, he still has feelings and is still emotional. His feelings won’t fade overnight though he wishes they would. He spent weeks questioning if he should have done or said something else. He’s never had a broken heart before so this is new. And that, my friends, is what I think my gut has been reacting to this whole time. He doesn’t know real loss and it came across to me that he was somewhat flip about his exes and what breaking their hearts did to them. It was all very much from a “well it wasn’t working for me so I ended it” place that didn’t seem at all sympathetic. Not he’s got a broken heart and can, not only sympathize, but empathize with what that feels like. I hope that going forward, he gets it a little better now. You can’t know how deep it is unless you’ve felt it. And even his mom told him that it’s going to be good for him in the long run. Agree, mom. Agree. This conversation makes me like Sean a little bit more… I honestly feel like he might have learned something. Still don’t want him to be the Bachelor, but I’d be less mad at it. My generosity knows no bounds.
Melissa; I’m still saying he’s a tall glass of cool water if you like that look. Thank goodness he didn’t cave to the Bachelor Pad. There’s still hope he’s not a complete Bachelor sell-out. Then again, he could be angling for the next Bachelor. I’ll say it right now, I wouldn’t hate that.
Rachel’s What Happened: Ah yes, the most popular Bachelorette ever is back. I’m surprised they’re making her walk to the couch. I’d think they’d have carried her out on a litter while being fanned & fed grapes. Whoa, did her boobs grow a few cup sizes??? How does she not fall over with those things? Lady, rein it in. Baywatch is no longer in production. Seriously, those things have to equal half her body weight. Yipes!
Anyway, she says it’s exciting, yet tough, for her to see all the guys, especially Sean. She tells him that she watched the episode, sat in her room and did the ugly cry. Everything she felt was real and he knows it. He even thanks her for opening up his eyes. Kumbayah, y’all! Chris also had his eyes opened to believing in love. Another thank you to Emily for getting his heart broken. Now Doug… Poor Doug. He says he read the moment wrong. Understatement. She says she handled it awkwardly at best with her “Thank you for that.” But she does have one regret looking back and that was not giving Doug the date rose after he stood up for her on the group date by outing Kalon. I’m glad she recognized that. I wanted to choke her that night, but I guess she was on overdrive. She says she could be engaged to Kalon so thank God for Doug. Doug says he will always have her back. Aw, swoon. I just want to hug him. He really is too sweet.
And speaking of Kalon, she says she was disappointed that she let someone like that through the cracks. Kalon apologizes for how things went down between them and he is trying to use the experience to make him a better person in his future relationships. Yeah, Emily ain’t buying what you’re selling. She tells him that he should be a politician because that was the biggest load of <<bleep>> she’s ever heard. Ha ha… standing ovation for Emily. OK, I’m too lazy to get up. A raise of the glass and a tip of the hat to her. She says that he clearly doesn’t regret the things he said to and about her. Just a couple days ago she saw that he posted a picture of a baggage claim and captioned it with “Though for sure I’d see Emily Maynard here.” Wow, he really is an asshole. I’d rather have baggage than be a douchebag any day. He says it was a bad joke, but it is reminded that he also said that he was sorry that he wasn’t sorry after everyone ripped him a new one. She tells him that the true test of class is going back and apologizing for being rude. She hopes that he finds faith in something bigger than his Prada shoes and rented helicopter. Yeah, girl! OK, now I’m really getting up and giving her a round of applause… and myself another round of drinks. I mean I’m already up, might as well make it worth my time.
Emily is now faced with her almost decision to let Ryan stay. She says that he’s good looking and he’s a sweet talker… he’s that guy and every girl has one. Yep, we do. I have one… or two… or… Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, Ryan being a sweet talker. It just got to be too much but some things just didn’t line up for her with regards to their beliefs. Well, she says his beliefs but I’m thinking it’s more like his stupid expectations of what a woman should do and say.
And then we saw the bloopers reel which was really the most exciting part of the show. I even LOL’d.
Melissa: I totally think her boobs are bigger!!! I don’t want to say that’s what I immediately saw when she walked out, but I mean they’re just… Maybe it’s the dress. She did the ugly cry for Sean? So why did she send him packing? OK, anyone else not believe Chris’s little “you opened my eyes” blah-blah-blah. Oh my damn did Kalon really post a picture on Twitter about baggage and Emily? For real, douche might actually be too good for him. In comparison, Ryan is looking pretty damn good right now.
Rachel: OK, I was really hoping that Alessandro would get the chance to ‘splain himself and I could have used some more Doug time. But overall it wasn’t bad. The first 30 minutes were completely worthless, but it’s the drill. So, now we’re t-minus 5 days until the most amazing finale ever. Sorry, most dramatic finale ever. Meh, not buying it. Unless the rejected guy runs up and tackles the “winner”, it’s not dramatic enough for me.
Melissa: Thankfully I was shoveling Milano cookies into my face the whole show so the chocolate kept me awake for yet another snooze fest of a “men tell all” show. We really could really do this in an hour. Let’s hope next week is, in fact, the most dramatic ending ever. Though I don’t know what could top Ben Flapjack cruising off in a dinghy.