Tag Archives: Chynna Phillips

Dancing With The Stars 13 – Week 5

One-Sentence Summary:  We’re gonna rock down to Electric Avenue with a trip back to the 80’s & the judges give each contestant some personal advice.

Brooke Burke working the Bump It.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Oh boy, 80’s night.  This doesn’t bode well for my eyes, as I can only imagine the costumes I’m going to be exposed to.  I lived through the 80’s (with my dear partner here) and I can say with 100% certainty that those were some dark days for fashion.   However, it was a great… Ok maybe “fun” is a better word… time for music so, at least, my ears should have a good time.  They can’t possibly pick all boogers can they?  I hope not as I’ve got nothing stronger than tea with me this evening.  Sad but true. 

Melissa:  OK, I’m gonna make a call here… The undercurrent this week:  “Chynna didn’t make it so we’re all at risk and have to step up our game”.  Of course she didn’t make it.  Her fan base is what… 20-30 year old men?  Guess what folks, they aren’t watching DWTS unless their girlfriends are forcing them, and they sure as hell aren’t going to call in and vote!  It’s also 80’s night, which you know means I’m going to be waking up with all sorts of crazy songs in my head at 3am!!  I’ve already warned my partner that if I hear Footloose, I’m out.

Oh Look, It’s The Bangles

The Bangles perfrom their 80's hits "Eternal Flame" & "Walk Like An Egyptian".

Melissa:  Oh, The Bangles… looking… oldish.  I should choose my words carefully as I believe they are my age… ouch!

Rachel:  Nice.  I like The Bangles.  I like Eternal Flame.  I do not and have never liked Walk Like An Egyptian.  I’ve never understood the point.  Does there need to be a point, you ask?  Yeah, kinda.  If you’re going to cause a nation… nay, a world of people to start dancing like fools, then yes.  Yes, you do.  Hey, it’s men dancing with their chests on display but Val isn’t one of them.  What’s going on?  Did he miss a waxing appointment?

Hope Solo

Hope & Maks dance the Tango to "Livin' on A Prayer" by Bon Jovi

Melissa:  Hope and Maks Tango to some Bon Jovi song I don’t know… Yes, a “Jersey Girl” who doesn’t know Bon Jovi.  Wonder if they’ll kick me out??  Oh, Living on a Prayer – Wow, how bad is the orchestra that I had no idea what the song was? I’m still not feeling the connection with these two. They have moments of decent footwork then just get all bijiggity.

Rachel:  Carrie Ann’s advice to Hope is that, while she is athletic, she needs to work on being feminine.  Ya think?  Oh hey, Hope & Maks are fighting again.  He says it’s a love-love relationship but not when it intersects with rehearsal time.  Hmm… Are the booty rocking rumors true?  That man gets around.  No, seriously I was reading about it online… where all things are true all the time.  I still need to get my hands on a copy of his turn as the Ukrainian Bachelor.  That’s got to be some good TV.

Wow, this is possibly the worst version of Livin’ On A Prayer ever.  They couldn’t even get the talking guitar intro right.  This was not my favorite dance either.  She is so not graceful.  It looked like Godzilla trying to stomp out Tokyo.  Len accuses Maks of not getting the essence of the Tango right.  Bruno says she got the 80’s super bitch down and she was Alexis Carrington Colby. Wait, what?  Oh hell no.  I take umbrage with that.  That’s right, umbrage.  First of all, it’s Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan.  Second, Hope is no Alexis.  Unless she has wrestled her arch enemy into a fountain wearing an evening gown, she doesn’t get to be Alexis.  You don’t just throw around Dynasty references all willy-nilly.  Not on my watch. Carrie Ann says she was a little bit awkward.

Score – 24

Carson Kressley

Carson & Anna dance the Jive to "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham!

Melissa:  My goodness the ensembles are almost as crazy as this dance!  Carson, you know I adore you, but my goodness!!

Rachel:  Bruno said Carson’s gotten away with being sloppy yet fun until now… His advice is that he has to step up the precision of the dancing.  Ok, watching Carson’s rehearsals are awesome.  Wham! is awesome.  Wham! shorts are awesome!  Another fun performance but the actual dancing was, um, not awesome.  Bruno says it was loopier than looney tunes; a crowning achievement in madness.  Carrie Ann says it was definitely fun but it’s week 5 and there still isn’t much technique.  Len isn’t sure it was good enough.

Score – 19

Nancy Grace

Nancy & Tristan dance the Rumba to "True" by Spandau Ballet

Melissa:  I gotta say that I’m not feeling this either… It’s like she doesn’t want to move too much and pop her weave off.  But the judges liked it… OK.

Rachel:  Len says she’s a hard worker who wears her heart on her sleeve but his advice is that she needs to focus on the dance and not lifting her skirt… Okaaaay.  Nancy shows us one of her cheers from high school during rehearsal and it’s…  Well, let’s just move on… quickly.   On the dance floor, she looked pretty good out there but she seemed apprehensive about the actual dance/story.  Carrie Ann said it was nice & appropriate but lacked passion.  Len thought it was simple but effective.  He doesn’t think the passion would be so appropriate for a couple like them.  You figure that one out.  Bruno thought she played it exactly right tonight.

Score – 22

Oh Look, It’s The Bangles Again!

The Bangles perform Manic Monday.

Melissa:  OK, time to revise earlier comment about the Bangles – I was just informed Susanna Hoffs is actually a bit older than me… So DAMN, that bitch looks good!!

Rachel:  Yeah, had to correct my partner on that one.  When she said she hadn’t aged well I went full “Whatchu talkin’ ’bout Willis” on her.  That is what I want to look like at 52.  Yes, that woman is 52.  How’s that make you feel, children of the 80’s?  Freaked out, right?  I do have to say, however, the voice has not aged as well.  Life is cruel.

JR Martinez

JR & Karina dance the Samba to "Conga" by Gloria Estefan & Miami Sound Machine

Melissa:  I’m gonna call it now – THIS will be my 3am wake up music!!  Damn, get your swerve all sorts of on J.R.!!  That was some ass shakin’ like we haven’t seen yet, and this winey bitch loves a good ass shakin’!!  The judges love it and I adore it!!  He gets my vote this week!!

Rachel:  Bruno says JR’s so consistent with magic exuding out of him but it’s the tiny details he has to work on to take it to the next level.  JR is going back to his roots and is bringing his Jose Renee Martinez to the Samba… And he sure does.  Damn boy, move those hips!  I think I’ve said this before but let me say it again… That boy can dance!  Len says normally guys and the samba don’t work together well but he nailed it.  Bruno says he was a sex machine. He has so much fire down below that it was like a volcano.  Tom moves us along before it can get any more uncomfortable.  Thanks, Tom.  Carrie Ann says muy caliente & then gets so excited an expletive comes flying out of her mouth.  Several rewinds didn’t help solve the mystery of what that expletive was either.  But I concur with her “Ay Papi.”  Bruno gives him his first 10 of the season!  I’m getting way too excited about this show.

Score – 28

Rob Kardashian

Rob & Cheryl dance the Rumba to "Hello" by Lionel Richie

Melissa:  Yep, pretty much over anything Kardashian at this point. I don’t know any family who loves themselves as much as this clan.  Really.  I wonder what dinner is like with them all fighting to get any and all attention they can eek from every second.  I’m not feeling Rob or this dance.  I think my little dog coughed up something sexier last week, to be honest.  OK, clearly I’m wrong because the judges are under the Kardashian spell. 

Rachel:  Len says Rob’s working his way up but he wants him to take command of the dance floor.  I’m pretty much with my partner here.  I’m over this kid.  He was my last hope to potentially like a Kardashian and he showed moments of growth over the last few weeks… Then he goes on a radio show and calls out his married cast members for cheating on their spouses.  Who does that?  Fail.  So, to be honest, at this point, I’m good with him going home.  Was the dance good?  Yeah, I guess.  Did he pull of the sexy?  Let me think…. Uh, no.  And I never ever need to see Rob Kardashian try to do a spit EVER again.  But really, he should go.  Bruno says we are starting to see Rob the Heartthrob.  (We’re not.)  Carrie Ann says he’s the tortoise in the Tortoise & The Hare story, which is the second time I’ve heard that analogy on a reality show this week.  (And he’s not.)  Len says this is a hard dance for men but he pulled it off.  (Whatever.)  Send his ass home.

Hilarity sidebar –  This song will forever make me laugh because of this little bit of genius:  Click here.

Score – 25

Chaz Bono

Chaz & Lacey dance the Samba to "Get Down On It" by Kool & The Gang

Melissa:  I’m not feeling it, but the judges will be all over it loving his improvement.  I just don’t see him moving well, but he gets points for trying. 

Rachel:  Carrie Ann says that he has the ability to make the whole room to cheer for him but we need to see more movement and less walking.  Look, I’m thinking what he’s doing out there is the extent of his moving on those knees.  Well, color me misspoken, Chaz is skipping.  Hey, he looks pretty good.  No, I’m serious he’s working it out.  Look, I’m not saying he’s JR status, but he’s holding his own.  And he’s even smiling!  Carrie Ann agrees that it was the most dancing he’s done all season.  Len said it was a gallant effort and he really gave it a go.  Bruno says he got the wiggle which is hard to do.

Scores – 21

David Arquette

David & Kym dance the Tango to "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell

Melissa:  For what it’s worth, this is a pretty clean Tango.  I’m not a fan of the DWTS Orchestra version of all the songs I grew up with… It’s like a twisted Musak thing happening here.

Rachel:  To be honest, I didn’t listen to the judge critique.  It was starting to bore me.  The Tango is about passion and aggression which is the story of David’s life.  Alrighty, then.  I have a new found respect for Courteney.  He seems to really be into the competition now, even directing rehearsals.  Hmm… I don’t know about the performance.  I think we were set up for a way better dance.  I don’t know if I loved it but I do love him so I’ll just go with yes.  Yes, I loved it!  Len thought the choreography was great and he has shown up (as opposed to shut up).  Bruno said that was a tango with a rebel yell.  Carrie Ann said he still needs to work on his musicality.  Hey, maybe that was the advice he was given.  Maybe?

Score – 25

Ricki Lake

Ricki & Derek dance the Foxtrot "Easy Lover" by Phil Collins and Philip Bailey.

Melissa:  I’ll take back my earlier statement… THIS will loop in my head for my 3am wake up… along with the image of Ricki’s Running Man.  Oh there will be nothing right about that!!

Rachel:  So, Derek was a fetus in the 80’s and Ricki was eating a lot.  Pretty much sounds about right.  I was saving my babysitting money for a trip to England to meet Duran Duran.  That’s a true story.  No way!  John Waters (Ricki’s Director on Hairspray… in Hairspray… Why can’t I figure the grammar out here?) just showed up to rehearsal.  Does it get cooler than that?  It does not…  Well, this is an odd choice of songs.  Why on earth would they pick this?  Was the list of songs that they cleared so bad that this was their best choice?  Ack, I’m gonna have this song in my head now too.  Awesome.  Ricki looks great out there but I just can’t wrap my brain around the Foxtrot to this song.  Bruno says they didn’t need to do the Roger Rabbit or the Running Man.  It just didn’t gel.  Carrie Ann agrees but like that they work as a team.  Len is all for the funk but not during the Fox Trot.  No you’re not, Len.  No, you’re not.  There is no part of you that is all for the funk.  Don’t even try and play.

Score – 24

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  This week I’m all about JR & Rob going home.  Seriously, he needs to go before it’s Broadway week and he tells us he’s never heard of Broadway.

Melissa:  I’m sticking with J.R. as my week’s favorite!


Dancing With The Stars 13 – Week 4 Results Show

One-Sentence Summary:  It’s time to send another star packing.

My Thoughts:

Wow. This ponytail is temporary-facelift tight.

Rachel: Ok, here we go again.  Five minutes worth of show stretched out into 60 long minutes.  As I stated last week, I am protesting the Footloose segment of this episode in honor of Kevin Bacon and the original Footloose movie.  Why does Hollywood need to remake everything?  Are you telling me there really are no good ideas left?  I have to believe that’s not true.  I also have to believe that we didn’t need The Thing remade for the third time… But I digress.  All I’m saying is that there is a very good chance my fast forward button and I are going to spend some quality time together tonight. I know you’d think I should watch the whole show being that I’m supposed to be reporting it back to you.  Listen, I’m sure that there are 15,000 other blogs out there that will tell you how awesome all these performances are and give you the play-by-play.  That’s not what we’re here for.  No, we’re here for a nobler cause.  We’re here to point, judge & laugh.  Probably not the best way to earn karma points but it’s all in the name of a few good chuckles.  And the world needs way more chuckles, if you ask me.  Join us, won’t you?

Feels Good

Raphael Saadiq opens the show with a worthy performance of "Soul Man".

DWTS is rocking it with the R&B artists the last two weeks.  I approve.  Raphael Saadiq is so awesome.  He looks good too.  You’d never think he was old enough to have been in Tony! Toni!  Toné! back in the day.  That’s right, of “Feels Good” fame.  I can’t believe he’s older than I am!  And I am clearly…. um… older than 18.  Next topic!

Thanks, I’ll Pass

Susan Boyle is up next singing "Unchained Melody".

Come on… Was that shot necessary?  For real.  And another dance with Val’s chest on display.  It must have been written into his contract.  His chest is starting to rival the Kardashians for airtime.  I think he’s happy he got voted off early so now he can dance passionately with his shirt blowing open each week. Anywho, FF button in full effect.


Julianne Hough is back on DWTS after a two year hiatus to showcase her starring role in the Footloose remake. She's there with her co-star Kenny Wormald (who?) and Blake Shelton who did the remake of the Footloose theme song.

Well, this has put me in quite the pickle… I really like Blake Shelton.  I couldn’t tell you a single song he sings but he was awesome as a coach on The Voice.  Well, let me be open-minded for a change & see what they have going here.  Finger is just tentatively on the FF button.  OK, never mind… One bar of what they did to “Holding Out For A Hero” has already pissed me off.  That song was so awesomely powerful in its original form and now it’s some cheesy ballad.  Done.  FF all the way through… Well, small stop for Blake.  Eh, it’s not a terrible cover.  Should be a little less “polished” IMHO but Blake & I can still be friends.  Let’s just get to the elimination now, shall we?  Life will go on if I miss Julianne & Derek’s Brother/Sister dance. 

The Elimination

The elmination comes down to Rob & Cheryl and Chynna & Tony.

Ricki & Derek, JR & Karina and Rob & Cheryl are all up first.  Does it take a brain surgeon to figure out that Rob & Cheryl are going to be on the chopping block?  The other two couples are definitely favorites… And I’m not buying that Kristin’s elimination was shocking or that she was a favorite.  She is notorious for being a bitch!  I mean, come on.  Anywho, we’re not here for my K.Cav. soapbox…  Carson & Anna, Chaz & Lacey and Chynna & Tony are next up for elimination.  Chaz & Lacey and Carson & Anna are both safe.  Listen, Chaz isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.  He’s got a major support system out there.  So, it’s Chynna & Tony that are in jeopardy… Ugh.  I really like Chynna.  The final three couples are up next: David & Kym, Nancy & Tristan and Hope & Maks.  Nancy & Tristan are the third couple in jeopardy.  Whew, I was worried about David.

The Results:  Chynna and Tony are eliminated.  That super bums me out.  I really liked Chynna and would have liked to see her stay.  Granted, she did screw up royally this week so, I guess, it makes sense.  If you’re not a “fan favorite”, it’s actually going to come down to the dancing to keep you around methinks.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  This is the first “sad to see you go” elimination.  I liked watching her dance.  Some day I’ll learn that thing about actually voting.  Don’t vote, can’t bitch… Something like that, right?

Dancing With The Stars 13 – Week 4

One-Sentence Summary:  It’s Hollywood Theme Music Night and the stars dream of being in a movie someday.

OMG, Cher! Let me show my moves so you can cast me in your next video! I look fabulous in a leotard!

Our Thoughts:

Rachel: I’m thinking that movie theme music for the most part isn’t going to tug on my heartstrings and cause me to leak from my ocular area this week.  I’m counting on it.  I’m gonna lost all my street cred if I keep going soft every week.  Yeah, I have street cred here on the mean streets of Delray Beach.  Ok, no I don’t.  And the streets aren’t mean either.  But it’s really ticking me off that Dancing With The Stars has caused me to have feelings other than judgement and scorn.  Thankful that I still have The Housewives to mock.

Melissa:  Still reeling from the loss of Kristin last week and they’re going to throw Cher at me this week??  STOP THE INSANITY!!  OK, I lie… sorry – I don’t really care but I am disappointed we won’t get to see any more of Mark’s choreography.  I wonder though if the “stars” will be all in a dither finally getting a legitimate STAR in the house?  Take that Kardashian Bitches!!  Let’s top off our glasses folks… tonight’s drinking game:  crowd shots of Cher – DRINK!!  Tonight is Movie Theme night… judging from the costumes we’re in for a treat tonight with a clear Rocky shout out from Chaz.  Mad props to anyone who rocks out to “Holiday Road”.

Time Suckage Part I

We are treated to an opening dance sequence because now we don't have enough dancers to fill two hours.

Rachel:  They start out dancing the The Good The Bad & The Ugly, which just makes me think that it’s a metaphor for this show.  And Val’s chest again.  Enough already.  Look I like a nice set of abs as much as the next girl but I don’t like them shoved down my throat in a Right Said Fred kind of way. Please, cover up.  Now they’re shirtless to the theme from Star Wars with Light sabers… Ok I do have to admit the sound of the light saber whoosh makes me all giddy. I highly recommend the light saber app, BTW.  I’m not sure why the girls had to ditch the long skirts and change into ice skating uniforms for this number.  Eh, who cares.  It’s over.

Chynna Phillips

Chynna and Tony kick things off with the Tango to Mission Impossible.

Melissa:  I’m not sure what’s up with Chynna this week.  She’s just a confused mess.  By the looks of her, she knows it… As do the judges.  OK, so that being said she still rocked that dress. DAMN woman!  How many kids have you had??  Go on with your bad self!

Rachel:  I do love that Tony starts the dance being lowered from the ceiling a la La Cruise.  Chynna’s rocking that dress but not so much rocking that dance.  And halfway through she looks totally lost.  I think she’s suffering from the “I did so well last week & have to keep it up” pressure this week.  Len says it all went up the Swanee River.  I had no idea that’s where the dance goes when it goes bad.  Bruno says she’s “slash & burn hot” but she lost the plot.  I think those lyrics were in a hair band song back in the 80’s.  Carrie Ann says she lost her place but didn’t lose her composure.  She reminds her to have fun.

Score – 21

David Arquette

David and Kym dance the Paso Doble to "The Raiders March" from Raiders of the Lost Ark

Melissa:  Gotta say the whip makes me nervous. One false move and Cher could lose her wig.  Is it me or does anyone else catch glimpses of Deputy Dewey?  Amen Len… I didn’t see a tight buttocks either .  Don’t think this Winey Bitch isn’t always on the lookout for a tight buttocks.

Rachel: Poor David is dyslexic and keep straight his left from his right. Kinda makes dancing hard.  Ok, he just swung into the ballroom on a vine.  He wins.  I don’t care what comes next.  In my book, he wins.  And we get a glimpse at the abs again.  This dance rocks!  If the judges give him a crappy score, I’m gonna whip them.  Bruno loves the way he cracks his whip with his tight muscles and tight pants… I bet he does.  Carrie Ann is impressed with his bravado.  Len is less impressed.  He didn’t like the stomping feet and he says David has no shape.  Hmmm… I’m ok with his shape.

Score – 23

Time Suckage Part II

We waste more time with another Dance Troupe dance to "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" from Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid

Rachel:  Ok, I loved the movie and I loved this song when I was a kid.  And even though I’m always happy to hear a little BJ Thomas I really don’t need an extra 30 minutes of my night taken up with this.  I really don’t.  There’s a second song which apparently is from Dr. Zhivago.  I’ve seen it but I didn’t know the music and I have a feeling there are 3 people in the audience that did.  How about giving us a heads up if you’re not going to choose instantly recognizable tracks?  How about a heads up, regardless?

Carson Kressley

Carson and Anna dance the Viennese Waltz to the "Curse of the Black Pearl" from Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Melissa:  I didn’t know there was an actual song.  I just always think it’s “A Pirate’s Life For Me” tune.  Just putting this out there… Someone should really grab those props scattered on the floor before one of them falls.  Meh, nothing fluid about this week’s dance, and I had such high hopes for Carson!  I’ll give him props on costume.

Rachel:  Anna & Carson are visited by stuntman Storm who is a big hulk of a man.  Needless to say, Carson was happy for the visit.  Wow, Carson doesn’t even look like himself with that hair & eyeliner.  I like it.  It works for him.  Len is going to hate that they have spent the first half of the dance not dancing.  I have to say Carson is getting better every week.  Carrie Ann felt like it was a weirder Pirates of the Caribbean ride.  She loves his performances but the technique is horrible.  Len says it’s like childbirth; terrible while it’s happening but a joy when it’s over.  Well, that was vivid.  But it was fun and he’d vote for him if he were at home.  Bruno wants to pitch Revenge of the Gay Blade.  I think he wants to play the blade.

Score – 20

Nancy Grace

Nancy & Tristan dance the Paso Doble to "Flash's Theme" from Flash Gordon by Queen

Melissa:   SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!  Nancy and Tristin get their Paso swerve on to Flash Gordon!!  I LOVE IT!  The dance however… not so much.  Not that she’s the best dancer, but it just wasn’t smooth.

Rachel:  Tristan goes to see Nancy Grace and tells her the fire she brings on her show she needs to bring this week to the dance.  I have to say she’s much more pleasant than I would have expected.  Don’t get crazy. I’m not Team Nancy or anything.  Just pointing that out.  OMG… This is hilarious.  I know it’s not supposed to be but the Flash Gordon theme is hilarious to me…. And something that my friend Mallory and I would sing when we would travel from Earth to Space… Otherwise known as going from my grandmother’s yard to the driveway.  We had vivid imaginations.  Don’t even get me started on The Village People.  I do love that Tristan is the only dancer with hair on his chest.  I wonder if there’s an on-staff waxer chasing him around backstage with muslin and hot wax.  Len didn’t think there was anything to love.  Bruno says she needs to become a ball breaker.  He says the character of the Paso is Carmen with about 17 rolled R’s.    Carrie Ann thinks she’s doing a great job.  She has solid technique.

Score – 21

Hope Solo

Hope & Maks dance the Foxtrot to "You've Got a Friend in Me" from Toy Story by Randy Newman

Melissa:  Once again we’re treated to Maks railing up and down poor Hope.  Dude, you need to relax a bit.  Yes it’s a competition, but come on.  Stop being a dick.  OK, maybe it paid off… She’s kinda rocking it tonight.

Rachel:  I’m with my partner here.  That was a lot of Maks saying “I don’t give a f**k”.  Lovely.  Definitely needs to relax.  But hey, she says they’re friends in the end of the day.  Mhmm.  The outfits are super cute.  I’ll give you that.  She actually looks pretty awesome this week.  Big thumbs up.  Wait, why is Donnie Osmond in the audience with Dr. Phil.?  And why do we not get to see who Hope ran over to see?  What are you hiding from us DWTS directors?  Bruno thought it was so lovely.  Carrie Ann said it made her smile the whole way through.  It was refreshing and unexpected.  Len thinks she could be here to the end but she has to keep working hard.  Harder than the others.

Score – 24

Rob Kardashian

Rob & Cheryl dance the Paso Doble to the Theme from Superman

Melissa: I don’t really get Cheryl’s Isis costume… How is that Superman?  I’m not feeling him… Not feeling the outfits… Not feeling the dance.

Rachel:  People think Rob’s the loser brother who’s never had a job but he’s committed to this competition & is working hard.  Wait, this is his job?  Please.  This kid works my nerves.  But remember how awesome Superman movies were back in the day?  Poor Chris Reeve.  Rob is doing a good job tonight and I was going to let the anger go be all “Go Rob Go” until he revealed the glitter K under his shirt.  Back to working my nerves.  Carrie Ann says he is strong the way a man should be on the dance floor.  Len thinks he wasn’t manly enough but he liked it.  Bruno says he has to reach through his body…  Rob’s not Bruno’s though I’m sure he’d like the latter.

Score – 24

Ricki Lake

Ricki & Derek dance the Tango to the Theme from Psycho

Melissa:  Wow, I’m loving this!!  I totally score that a 10, if I get a vote… The music was perfect.  The choreography was fantastic!

Rachel:  Derek is having a hard time with the music so imagine the joy ride it is for Ricki.  It’s so much fun that she wants to quit.  She, of course, does not. I do like that they start the dance behind a white screen in silhouette.  That might have been the worst piece of music to choreograph a dance to but they managed to make it work.  It was pretty amazing, actually.  Len says she always delivers.  Bruno thought it was bombastic and worthy of 3 sequels  Wha??  Carrie Ann said she’s brilliant in the ballroom.  They get the first 10’s of the season.

Score – 29

Chaz Bono

As if gay icon Cher wasn’t enough, they tossed us a little Richard Simmons cameo as well. Wow, time has not been kind to his hairline.  Might be time to crop the ‘fro.  Chaz & Lacey dance the Paso Doble to “Gonna Fly Now” from Rocky

Promises are kept and Cher is in attendance.

Melissa:  Come on every one… Give me an ADRIAN!!  Wait, they’re not going to screw me with Eye of the Tiger are they??  Whew, thank you for that DWTS!!  I am worried about Richard Simmons… Talk about needing to have a cookie!  Sorry Chaz, not feeling this at all.  And someone please grab the defibrillator for that run up the stairs!!

Rachel:  Sweet Jesus what is happening on Richard Simmons’ head?  I do love the Rocky boxing montage.  Pretty awesome.  And damn if they didn’t make us earn our Cher tonight.  You know that’s why Chaz is going second to last.  Had to hook us for the full 2 hours.  Hey look at Chad go!  He’s not horrible tonight.  He’s not necessarily good either but he’s got a pep in his step.  Yay Cher!  There she is!  Well at least I think it is.  I can hardly tell with all that filler.  And what is happening on her head?  Oh, but I do love me a Cher moment.  Bruno says Chaz keeps fighting and he’s getting stronger.  Carrie Ann is crying and she doesn’t know why.  She thinks it’s his courage.  Len agrees he’s getting stronger.  Best dance to date.  Oh Cher’s crying… Great, now I’m crying.  This show is killing me.

Score – 21

JR Martinez

J.R. and Karina dance the Fox Trot to the Them from The Pink Panther

Melissa:  Yet another great song!  LOVE IT!  Love the costumes, love the dance, love the song – and a little ass shaking… Didn’t I just say I likes me some buttocks??  Wait CarrieAnn, there should be no humor for Pink Panther??  Um, have you not seen the Pink Panther?

Rachel: This is some fun music to dance to.  He’s really such a good dancer.  He definitely has real talent.  And I love the pink suit.  You know Carson wants to take that home with him.  Seriously, how can you not love this kid?  He’s so lovable and it has zero to do with the accident.  Carrie Ann thought it fell flat for her.  They didn’t need the humor.  I didn’t need her review.  Len thinks it was the best male dance of the night.  He enjoyed the tweak of humor.  Bruno thinks he’s versatile and he’s great.

Score – 26

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  This week I’m all about JR & David.  I think though that David might be on the line.

Melissa:  I’m going with J.R. and Ricki this week.

Dancing With The Stars 13 – Week 3 Results Show

One-Sentence Summary:  Someone’s story stunk and they’re getting the boot.

My Thoughts:

When I think about me, I touch myself.

Rachel: Dammit, I may actually watch tonight’s full show because I loves me some Mary J and Estelle.  And how can I pass up Len dancing?  I imagine it to be somewhere along the lines of Gene Kelly’s “I’m old but I’m still moving” dance scene from Xanadu.  Oh don’t pretend you haven’t seen Xanadu.  And if you’re not pretending, I suggest you run out right now and rent it.  Or stream it.  Or whatever you crazy kids are doing these days.  Afterwards, when you’re dying for your own ribbon barrettes, give me a shout.  I can hook you up.  I was smart enough this week not to fall for any of their teasing and watch the first hour.  Instead I watched 90210 again and I don’t feel good about that.  I think that show might actually be worse than reality TV.  The fashion’s better but that’s about it.  Not that that’s a bad thing necessarily.  But that’s not why we’re here.  We’re here to find out who told their last story.

A Worthy Performance

Mary J. Blige kicks off the show by performing her hit "Real Love".

Mary J in the house!!! This may be the first time in DWTS Elimination history that I’m not using the fast forward button… Even if it means being exposed to Val’s chest again.  Damn, that boy loves to rock an open shirt.  But even he can’t ruin a performance by Queen Mary J.

Things That Bore Me

The producers got some laughs last week with their Cribs skit and try to strike gold two weeks in a row. Not so much... Instead, we are presented with a convoluted Six Degrees of DWTS routine where we find out the very very loose connections between all the stars. Then we get a sneak peek of next week's salute to musicals with a Gone With The Wind dance number.

Ok here’s the comedy routine.  Six Degrees of DWTS… Fail.  Tom  Bergeron says he just got a headache.  Join the club.  Come have a seat, Tom, and pour yourself a glass.  We’re on the honor system here.  Just leave a few bucks in the tip jar.

Now it’s time for the troupe dance and another Val dance.  The most interesting thing is that he manages to keep his pecs undercover for a whole song.  So, apparently next week is movie score week.  Somebody had better dance to something from Sound of Music or I’m gonna be pissed.  Oooh,Peta’s wearing a navy blue dress.  Granted it’s all, well, Southern Belle’d out but I am obsessed with Navy satin dresses.  I don’t know why but I am.  I also don’t know why I just told you that.

We are taken to the next commercial break by Julianne Hough who says she’ll be back next week and dancing for her new movie, Footloose.  First of all, it’s not a NEW movie.  It’s a remake.   Second of all, I call total shenanigans on said remake.  As someone who grew up with the original, I sit in protest.  And next week I will sit with my remote and fast forward out of principle.  Don’t let it ever be said that I don’t take a stand against the wrongs of the world.

Next up, Estelle brings us back to the days of The Twist with a special surprise appearance by the original singer, Chubby Checker. The Macy Stars (On Ice) get their twist on and Len gets out from behind the judge's desk to swing his hips a few times.

They’re puling out all the stops to make me watch this week. I am digging Estelle singing The Twist.  No way!  Chubby Checkers just showed up!  And for the record, I actually just yelled that out loud to the exactly zero people in the room.  I’m starting to worry about myself and wishing I had a Life Alert on hand for when I stroke out from all the good fun I’m having. And now Len is dancing.  This isn’t exactly the grand dance I was expecting but I don’t want him to break a hip or anything.  Dayum Chubby those pants are tight.  If your name is Chubby, the odds are you probably shouldn’t be wearing skinny jeans.  Ha… The snark!  It hasn’t totally abandoned me.  Whew.

Mary J is back and giving us her best Rhythm Nation performance of her new track "25/8".

Oooh Mary J is back and looking fierce in her outfit.  She is not rocking blue leather knee-high boots… Girl!  Loving it!  Ok, I may need to see a shrink tomorrow because I am actually having fun tonight.  I can feel the bitterness seeping out of my pores.  What’s happening!  DWTS is my kryptonite!

The Elimination

Kristin & Mark and Hope & Maks face elimination. Can you figure out who is going home?

The first 3 couples on the stage for possible elimination… JR & Karina, Ricki & Derek and Chaz & Lacy.  Gosh, I wonder which couple is going to be on the chopping block.  During the recap, they show JR telling Chaz that he’s an inspiration too.  Oh dammit, I’m crying again.  Must be hormones.  Yeah, hormones.  That explains tonight.  Ahem, back to business.  JR & Karina and Ricki & Derek are safe.  Well, smack my ass and call me Sally!  Chaz & Lacy are safe too!  Nice!   Next on the block… Carson & Anna, Hope & Maks, Nancy & Tristan and Rob & Cheryl.  Rob & Cheryl and Nancy & Tristan are safe. Carson & Anna and Hope & Maks are in jeopardy.  Chynna & Tony, Kristin & Mark and David & Kym are up next.  Chynna & Tony and David & Kim are safe.  Kristin & Mark are in jeopardy.

The Results:  We’re back to a random bottom 2.  I so do not get that.  At all.  Comes down to Hope & Maks and Kristin & Mark.  Kristin and Mark are going home.  I guess that being a bitch on reality TV thing doesn’t always pay off.  We all know I’m not sad to see her go but I am sad to see Mark go.  He is the best choreographer on the show.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Well, this is playing out nicely.  I haven’t had one “sad to see you go” moment yet.  That, of course, does not portend well for me going forward.  Chaz lives to see another week so Cher promises she’ll be in the audience next week.  Hell yeah!  Rainbow flags are flying all over America right now.