Tag Archives: Chris Laurita

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 18: Salon, Farewell

One Sentence Summary:  While this bitch was hoping for a table flip, season 5 goes out like a lamb because everyone is “in a better place” – pitty.

Melissa’s Thoughts:

I'll see your deer in headlights Teresa and raise you a dumbstruck open mouth.

I’ll see your deer in headlights Teresa and raise you a dumbstruck open mouth.

Yes, still playing catch up, and thanks to a minor neck injury I’m forgoing my standard precious vino for muscle relaxers – you know it’s bad when I pass up on my wine, because we all know everything is better with wine.  So we’re looking at a “do not operate heavy machinery”, “may cause drowsiness” 500 or less for my Jersey ladies season finale.  Hang on friends, it’s going to be a slurred ride.

NJ Ladies in 500 or less

Teresa goes (exaggerated) deer in headlights at Penny’s allegations – shocking.  BTW, ever notice how high Tre’s voice goes when she’s in denial?  Penny’s hubs arrives to the shit show but of course testosterone arrives shortly after and there’s lots of camera shaking and screaming.  I wonder if Joey’s hair is going to black smudge things again?  Even Caroline is getting into the screaming, but who can blame her, that went all sorts of sideways.  Melissa thinks she needs to make Teresa stand by them and not Kim and the others.

Melissa couldn’t sleep after the event, but hasn’t heard anything new from the encounter and hopes Tre is thinking she needs to stop the BS.  Melissa declares she needs to find forgiveness in her heart and move on (can I get a Thank You Jesus… for old times).  At the Lauritas sweet Nick makes an appearance and puts things into perspective.   The Wakiles visit the Gorgas to question Tre’s involvement and suggest to keep moving things forward.

Caroline spends the day after musing about how blessed she is for her family and how much her house means to her family (bye bye apartment methinks).  Albert reminds her they don’t have to leave – wise man.

Teresa hopes Joey doesn’t believe Penny, and Jacqueline rallies for her her but suggests if there is any truth she needs to own it.  Tre does have regrets about things she’s done, and she should have walked away, but she was in a bad place at the time.  Whoa, what was that??

Blk is expanding to new flavors and pitch to the fam asking for honest opinions.  Teresa seizes the opportunity seeing Joey to have a chat about what all went down.  Wow, it must be the relaxers because I can’t believe Tre just owned her part in the rumors and wants Joey to put his family first.  This is the cryingest bunch of bitches!

Everyone is off to the shore to see the Guidice shore house to celebrate the season and talk about how wonderful it is everyone has rebuilt their lives.

Kathy:  Building her dream house all for a new kitchen

Jacqueline:  Ashley came home but is headed to beauty school later and they’ll remain focused on Nicholas’s recovery.

Caroline:  Bids bye-bye to the apartment and is happily back at home.

Melissa:  The Gorgas moved a half hour away so that should help keep the peace.

Teresa:  Juicy is going to fight and do whatever he has to do to make everything right.  Then comes the incitement news.  A ‘not-guilty” plea was entered, but Juicy could race jail and deportation, and Tre is hoping for another book deal (OK, that was my bit).

Bottom Line:

All is magical loving unicorns and rainbows.  Let’s see how that translates to the Reunion.


Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 17: Hair We Go Again

One Sentence Summary:  Rumors are still flying and fingers are still pointing.

Melissa’s Thoughts:

That's right... I should be a chef what with all the pot-stirring.

That’s right… I should be a chef what with all the pot-stirring I do.

Here we go again my friends, I’m behind on my reviews with nothing to blame but the day job and exhaustion.  I’m now back amongst the loving (sort of) thanks to 2 straight nights of 12+ hours of sleep.  So this week it’s yet another Posche “event”.  Seriously folks, does anyone else think Kim D is like a bad penny?  We just can’t get rid of her!  Haven’t the Housewives learned from last year that nothing good can come of Kim D and her events?  I guess the fact that they don’t learn from history means we’re doomed to be treated to another season-end blow up.  So in an attempt to get myself back on track I’m going to give you my 500 words on the antics this week.

NJ Ladies in 500 or less

Melissa is off to Orlando to prove herself and score a record deal. Teresa went the denial route when confronted about Penny’s story – naturally.  Teresa and Jac are all made up and shopping at Posche like old times.  On a side note, I didn’t need to know that Tre thinks camel toe is sexy.  Kim announces Posche 2 with a grand opening, and surprise, surprise… Penny is invited.  Teresa spins her tale that Penny is lying as Kim tries to hide her knowing smirk.  Melissa arrives at the compound to work for a live radio spot to get some street cred and squash the lip-synching rumors.  It’s birthday time in the Wakile household and looks like Joseph is getting a new Jeep… fully loaded with Dad’s inappropriate comments about enlarging his penis {skeeve}.  Teresa tries to channel her inner Prince for lunch with Victoria Gotti.  But let’s be honest Prince wouldn’t be caught dead in that Muppet jacket and pimp hat combination. Victoria’s advice is to talk to the kids about Juicy’s woes and stand by his side.  Melissa working with her vocal coach sounds about as good as I do in the shower.  Clearly he’s not convinced of her skills.  Little Town is finally opening and the boys are stressing.  The troops arrive to show their support and Albert gives his blessing, so I guess that’s that.  Meanwhile back in Florida it’s Melissa’s show on 106.7 where she pitches her track and is ready to jam… just as Teresa makes sure Juicy puts the radio on to hear.  Plus there’s a listening party at Jac’s house.  Why does she have back up dancers for the radio?  She made the show so I guess she’s a proper singer now?  Next up, Penny’s hubs tried to claim the Lauritas are making up Nic’s autism – uncool douche.  Jac can’t wait to confront them at the Posche event.  It’s Posche night and Joey wants Melissa to get to the bottom of the rumors and he’s going to have some words with the hubs.  Teresa is still claiming Penny is lying.  Flash bulbs burst as the folks arrive to the event and the crew discusses Penny’s hubs.  The lady of the hour arrives and Jac is ready to roll.  Penny claims her hubs didn’t say anything, but then she was asked to do it.  Melissa grabs Penny to talk and guess what?  She still dimed Tre out.

Bottom Line:

Here were go again, not learning from our mistakes and we’re back at a Posche throw down.

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 16: The Blonde Drops a Bombshell

One Sentence Summary:  Not even Febreze can get rid of this week’s stench of deceit.

Melissa’s Thoughts: 

Either Melissa is a good actress or she was really shocked to hear the source of rumors.

Either Melissa is a good actress or she was really shocked to hear the source of rumors.

So if titles are any indication Miss Penny and her bag o hair is back.  Which also means we’re done with group therapy… YAY!!  Let’s go back to our normal state of dysfunction shall we?  I’ve had too much inner reflection and it was starting to make me question myself.  That just ain’t cool.  I digress, here’s a question for you.  Brace yourself I’m thinking outside the reality box here.  How awesome would it be if Penny came out and said that Teresa put her up to it (well, I feel like that’s a given) but… BUT she also had video of Melissa hooking up with the ex in the back of a ‘87 Corolla?  THAT my friends would be a genius bombshell.  Now that I’ve put it out there it seems like anything else just won’t be that big of a deal.

Made With Love(ish)

So it’s a something or other for Teresa and everything is all labeled out.  It’s her own food line!  How is it I haven’t seen this nonsense on my Stop and Shop shelves?  I have Brownstone sauce and blk water, but no Skinny Italian products.  I’ll have to look for real next time, but methinks they never quite made the stop and shop cut.  Maybe I’ll ask a clerk just to give them a hearty laugh for the day.  Yes, I’m a giver like that.  Teresa put love into her food?  I need some love food!  Does it count if I just love food?  Teresa has decided she wants a family lunch to prove to the parents all is better with her and Joey.  She’s ready to move forward as a family and be happy.

Pre-Event Jitters

Joey is off to the Laurita home, but not without a knock to the business end by his lovely child.  Hey now!  I might have to hang out at the Laurita house if there’s day drinking happening up in there.  I’m a huge fan of day drinking – yes, I’m sure that comes as no shock to all of you.  Poor Joey has had a rough week at the building site having somehow managed to build a short building.  blk is doing a big event for Autism “Knock Out Autism” and Jac is going to make her first speech, but she’s not ready and hasn’t had time to write the speech.  She wants to pass the buck to Chris since it’s his business.  I’ll agree with them on this one that there are ignorant people out there (um, their friends included… wait, what?  Who said that??) who are going to try to knock you down regardless.  Stand up and raise awareness my friends!  Yes, haters gonna hate.  Thankfully Joey is in a better place since his Arizona meltdown.  Let’s see how long that lasts.

Silence is Golden

Did Rich actually just promise to not say one word?  Is someone going to remove his tongue?  I’m saying that’s the only way in hell he’s going to stay silent.  Hello there Candace Jarkow Event Planner… sorry Producer, what are you going to plan I mean produce for us?  Also, what’s the difference?  I’m not trying to be rude (I often sound like I am), I just don’t know the difference between a planner and producer.  I mean not when it comes to events.  Does one require extra training or is it just a title to make you sound fancy-schmance and charge extra?  Man I’m apparently the queen of tangents tonight.  This can’t be good, I need to rein it in.  Maybe I shouldn’t have had that espresso this afternoon.  Well, at least Arizona made Rich realize he needs to be supportive and shut up and let Kathy handle her business.  Here’s a question… why go with her then?  Why not just stay home and NOT run the risk of opening your mouth?  We all know you can’t control yourself.

Miss Event Producer has come up with an idea for Kathy to have an in-store demo at Dylan’s Candy Bar in New York.  Yes, this will be a great exposure opportunity, but Kathy needs to get people there.  She’s all in and can invite friends and family… unfortunately Rich seems to have forgotten his ‘not one word’ declaration and questions her choice to invite the cousins and their kids.  Hush Rich… not one word remember?  She should have told him he gets a dead leg if he opens his mouth.

Family Affair

Yes, the New Jersey ladies know how to keep it mature.

Yes, the New Jersey ladies know how to keep it mature.

It’s family lunch time but only Mamma can make it… Pops is at a doctor’s appointment for kidney stones <yikes>.  I’m so confused why they are all having lunch when Pops is in the hospital.  Doesn’t anyone think they should be there with him?  Joey thinks the lunch is a major milestone but wishes his dad could be there.  Oh, and speaking of being there Juicy rolls in and everyone raises a glass.  Melissa thinks she was teased with good vacations before and wants it to last.  Mamma thinks Dad would be so happy to see them all there and even the Joes crack jokes(ish) at each other’s expense while Teresa produces the fakest laugh I’ve heard since the Three’s Company laugh track.

Joey and Teresa try to explain to Mamma that people are going to say things and what-not but she’s not about to have any of it.  When someone says something you go right to them and confront them.  Pretty sage advice there Mamma, too bad your kids don’t think that way.  Melissa thinks they need to get the strangers out of their lives to work on the trust and the relationship and being a real family.  HA… Mamma then tells Melissa things happen because she has a big tongue but Teresa’s is even bigger.  Amen Mamma… I like this one.  Let’s get her and Elsa together for drinks shall we Bravo.  That’s a night to remember if you ask me.  OK, so kisses all around and all is good.


Strike a pose

Strike a pose

Tre stops by Jac’s for a visit and Tre hopes she’s not reading the gossip mags again this time.  It’s been a while since the families were together and Jac hopes that the more Teresa sees Nic the more she’ll start to understand what it is like to have a child in the Autism spectrum.

While Tre is out, Rosie stops by the Giudice home for a little steak with her new BFF Juicy.  Looks like there’s a new odd couple in town.

Hang on, Jac just happens to have a life sized rubber horse head at her house?  That is so beyond my comprehension.  I don’t even know how to process.  Whatever does one need with a plastic horse head?  I mean is it part of a full body costume?  Again, I have to ask… why?  Are they into some freaky sex stuff?  I’m so confused.

Speaking of confusing, why are Rosie and Juicy hanging out now?  Yes Rosie, you are awesome and amazing but really, why are you and Juicy hanging out?  I need to understand these things.  I also need to understand why you’re having conversations about surrogacy.  Um Juice sweetie, it doesn’t mean you get to have sex with the surrogate… that’s a completely different type of surrogate.  Hang on there, did Juicy just ask if he has eggs?  What does he have?  Maybe you shouldn’t reproduce.  YOU ARE KILLING ME!!

Yes Jacqueline, it’s best to turn to Teresa for help with your fears.  She won’t file them away and use it against you at a later date.  Yes, Teresa you’re meant to deliver speeches.  Even Chris can’t get out how appreciative he is the Jacqueline turned to Teresa for help without laughing.  Oh, that’s just an awesome moment right there!

Will The Song Bird Get Caged

Even a meeting with Melissa's potential future Manager doesn't keep Joey from talking about sex... OY!

Even Melissa can’t believe at a meeting with her potential future Manager Joey can’t help himself from talking about sex.

What is she singing about?  Oh we’re meeting Johnny Wright the Music Manager.  Um, he manages JT but he’s going to meet with Melissa?  Yet another thing I can’t process.  Hang on now, how many minutes are they into the conversation with a potential manager and Joey is talking about the importance of sex?  Are you kidding me?  Make it awkward why don’t you Joe.  Melissa’s take is that she can do it all… she can be a good wife and mom and pursue her career in music.  You know, because it’s super easy.  That’s right Johnny… preach it for real.  I don’t think Melissa has a sense of reality.  No don’t go all getting mad at me thinking I don’t have crazy respect for a stay at home mom, that’s hard work.  I will shake the hand of a stay at home mom in awe of all they do with their families.  What I’m saying is when’s the last time she had to juggle 2 jobs (I don’t count her “book” as a job… sorry)?   Essentially that’s what this will be, and you know Joey is going to need his Tarzan time too… that’s job #3 the way he talks.  However, it seems Johnny boy is going to take a chance on her, though I’m wondering who he owes for this favor.  Someone lost a card bet I’m telling you!  I wonder how these housewives get these side gigs.  Seriously.

Stuff It

It’s Kathy’s big day and Mom is there to help, but no one else seems to be there for her and she’s stressing.  I’d be stressing too chicka.  What I don’t get is the doing Mom’s hair in the kitchen.  That doesn’t seem too sanitary.  At least Rich shows up with some flowers to try to calm her, well until he dumps her cards all over the beauty salon, I mean kitchen.  Yes, I think Kathy is about to lose it because that’s the first time I’ve seen her snap at Rich like that and we all know his behavior is snap worthy pretty much 24/7.  She wishes just once the kids and Rich would help her out.  Well my dear, odds are they won’t because they’ve never had to.  You take care of everything, you’ve raised them that way (Rich included).  You reap what you sow.  Oh no, because the poster and stand don’t fit in the car Rich is going to leave them outside?  Not a smart move sweetie.

Moment of Truth

Still with the singing.  We know, you’re trying to convince us you’re a singer because you sing in your house.  Well hell, that’ means I’m a singer AND dancer!  Oh, and a sommelier too!  Oh, I get it, the singing is to prep for her meeting with Justin Thorne her new producer / songwriter.  Best get those vocal cords warm because you had better bring it girl.  Heading down to the studio the production crew marvels at the digs but Johnny challenges why she doesn’t know the lyrics yet.  Here we go:  first excuse “I have 3 kids”.  Second:  “I’m rusty.  Third: “there’s static”.  Oops, and a flub of the words.  Oh boy, methinks this is going to be a long day.

Johnny wants to have a chat with her that he thought she was s real singer and it’s a lot for them to put their reputations on the line (true dat) they need to make sure it’s right.  They need to sit in the studio and go through all the music and have a conversation about how to make it work.  He wants her down in Orlando with some of his team to take it to the next step to show people that’s what she really wants.  Melissa is worried it’s a lot of hours to put into it (um, are you kidding me right now?) but the song is more vocally challenging than her last autotune wonder and she doesn’t want them to question working with her – too late.

Kathy’s Big Day

You mean to tell me your friends are ditching you?

You mean to tell me your friends are ditching you?

Here we are at Dylan’s and I’m getting twitchy just thinking about all that sugar!!  I wouldn’t be able to focus if that were me, I’d be hitting the gummies like my life depended on it.  Unfortunately no one is there yet to support her.  She’s upset that it was important to her and she needs a good turn out.  Seriously friends, who doesn’t show for their friend?  That’s just rude.  It’s not like the shop is 5 hours away, it’s 40 minutes from your house!

Poor Caroline has a migraine, but I have to ask why she’s on the sofa in the family room.  Woman don’t you know you need to lock yourself in your bedroom with the drapes drawn to keep the light out?  At least that’s how it works in my house.  What’s with the water bag?  Who ices their head for a migraine?  Anywho, that’s why SHE can’t attend Kathy’s event.

Back at the event, it’s slow moving though Kathy is giving it her best effort to draw people in and show them how to fill cannoli shells.  Her event producer pulls her to the side to question the lack of family and friends.  Yes Kathy, WTF indeed.  FINALLY the Lauritas make it in to show some love for Kathy.  Melissa finally strolls in, followed by Rosie, and then Teresa and crew bringing up the rear.  Well at least they didn’t completely abandon her.  The event was a success so she’s not going to waste her time with it.

Time to Shine

Nic loves Mommy's speech

Nic loves Mommy’s speech

It’s off to the event and for some reason Teresa is in the car with Jac and Chris.  Why isn’t she in her own car?  Oh right, Juicy can drive again so she can get extra screen time.

The event looks great and I’m glad to see everyone rallying for a great cause.  Even Caroline has managed to share her migraine to come out and show support.  During the event, Jacqueline reviews her speech but is worried she’s going to say the wrong thing and be judged as a mother.  Thankfully Chris is there to remind her she’s doing it for Nic and all the kids out there.  He wants her to speak because he thinks people will connect with her.  I couldn’t agree more Chris.

Jacqueline starts in on her speech, gets choked up but manages to move through it and moves the audience to tears (including me, but I’m going to blame allergies because we all know I have no soul).  What a great job Jac, you speak from the heart and believe in what you say and you’ll win over anyone.

Rumor Mill

Penny and her bag of hair let the cat out of the bag.

Penny and her bag of hair let the cat out of the bag.

FINALLY, it’s time to get this rumor business out in the open.  OH NO, I just happened to notice what time it is and we all know that means they’ll manage to stall this out until next week to bring us back again.  Oh you sly foxes!!

So Melissa starts her pitch… she tries to get Joey to understand the extra work she’s going to have to put into her career by going to the compound and working with the vocal coach.  I don’t remember the ex-Countess ever having a vocal coach.  It’s not really Melissa’s first choice, but let’s be honest here, she knows if she doesn’t Johnny isn’t going to be beating down her door otherwise.

Aw yeah, there’s Penny!!  Looks like she’s still rocking an even bigger bag of hair for the occasion.  Melissa excuses herself “to go to the bathroom” but meanders over to Penny to say a quick hello.  Even though they decided in Arizona they would be a united front, she can’t refuse this opportunity.  Talk turns to the hair party (shocker) and Melissa says she feels like Penny had more to say but didn’t.  Penny agrees that Melissa is right, but Joey butts in and we’re going to break for a commercial to keep us tuned in.

Joey flat out asks who is behind the cheating and Penny tells them it was Teresa (another shocker) who went to Penny and asked her to confront Joey.  Apparently Penny lied for Teresa (yet another shocker) the night of the party that they were’t friends.  They are and Penny has Teresa’s mobile and house numbers on her phone to prove it.  She’s not going to take the bullet for everything.  Her husband Johnny is the one who has been tweeting all the stories about Melissa as well.  Yet another piece of the puzzle is that while Teresa claims Penny “appears” at her things, she’s actually inviting her.  It’s because Penny’s husband John has been getting Teresa appearances.

Melissa challenges Penny that she’s as much to blame for getting involved in family business, but Penny tells the both of them Teresa said to squash it (now that the damage is done) so they think it’s because of the Arizona change of heart.

Bottom Line:

Wow, that was a whole lot of hype for such a teeny reward.  See, I told you it wouldn’t be as exciting as having video!

Photos:  bravo.com

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 5, Ep 15: Zen Things I Hate About You

One Sentence Summary:  It’s a high wire act for the Housewives.

Melissa’s Thoughts: 

In a rare moment, Teresa thinks about someone beside herself... clearly it causes her pain.

In a rare moment, Teresa thinks about someone beside herself… clearly it causes her pain.

Here we are again my friends, yet another week of group therapy making us all realize just how sane we really are.  Well, until you think about the fact we’re the ones watching this nonsense.  I gotta say, makes me rethink my sanity.  Unfortunately I’m back to paying catch up due to my travel schedule.  So here I sit, exhausted and wanting to curl up with some proper trash… Roadhouse has to be on somewhere right?  No, I won’t be distracted, I’ll just suffer with this trash.  At least I was able to sneak the bottle of Apple Pie Pinot without the hubs seeing and demanding his own glass.  Ah dear friend… you’re always here to support me!!

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