One Sentence Summary: Andi gets to choose with which man she’ll have a disappointing relationship.
Rachel: I have to admit that since Chris got unceremoniously sent home on the Fantasy Suite date – before he even got to get some fantasy going – I have been holding a silent protest against the rest of the show. I mean he was the only thing left worth tuning in for. I guess, in retrospect, I should be glad she didn’t pick him, seeing as how she’s spared him the future disappointment of her hating Iowa. Let’s be honest, that girl wasn’t ever going to be into baling hay. Common sense tells us that he’ll be the next Bachelor, so at least there’s that. Common sense also tells us that Andi’s going with what she says she’s always dated and picking Josh. Is there any question? I just hope someone brings some drama tonight, because this is going to be a long 3 hours otherwise. Let’s get it started…
The Beginning Of The End
Rachel: Aw, Lawd… Do we really have to do the live audience viewing party thing again? It’s such a waste of my… wait wait wait… Did Chris just say that the dude Andi rejects tried to confront her about his dismissal while she was on vacation & on the Men Tell All? Well, clearly she rejects Nick then. There’s no doubt which of the two would be prone to lurking and stalking. I mean why don’t you just spare us the two hours and go right to the final rose? Well, I guess abc has to fill the airtime so here we go…
We start in the Dominican Republic with deep thoughts, Nick, and Andi’s family. Oh goodie… Andi’s dad. I loves me some Andi’s dad. I hope he hasn’t mellowed on us. Nick is nervous and Andi’s parents are keenly aware that he’s about to throw up on their daughter. Things don’t go much better at lunch with him bumbling through every sentence. Dude, have a glass of wine and chillax. You’re giving me anxiety and I’m halfway through a bottle.
Not interested in taking my advice, he takes his water and goes to talk to Mom. Mom wants Nick to understand that Andi has a career and don’t be trying to get in the way of that. Damn, Mom isn’t playing. But she need not worry. Nick will not deter Andi from anything. No, he’ll just be sitting at home, rocking in the corner, wondering when she’s coming back so he can get his fix again. I actually kinda feel badly for the kid. He needs some therapy for that insecurity, for real. He says Andi’s his one-and-only and he loves her so much. This makes mom cry… I don’t know if it’s tears of happiness or fear.
Meanwhile, Andi tells her sister that there has been passion with Nick from Day 1 and he sees her entire soul. He kisses her unlike anyone else has. Damn girl, how are you not picking him then? I mean if someone wanting to skin you and wear you like a coat is a turn-on, then by all means, marry him!
Now it’s Nick and Dad. Alright Dad, bring it. Nick prattles on about all the wonder that is Andi. Dad wants to know about the future. Nick talks about getting married, which I don’t think is what Dad was looking for, but he gives Nick permission to propose… provided that the commitment is for life. He thinks they’d be a great fit. You’re letting me down, Dad. How do you not smell the crazy?
Nick leaves feeling confident. I feel like I should have that dress Andi’s got on.
Flash The Pearly Whites
Josh the Jock is up next to meet the fam. Dad doesn’t seem super stoked to meet this player. Well, I mean he does walk in the room at about an eleven. BTW, Josh is the only one Andi calls “Babe”. Anyone else notice that? Ha, I love love LOVE that Andi’s dad is amused by how nervous Josh is. He’s awesome. Can we give him his own show? Mom is less amused. She thinks Josh is boisterous and chaotic. Correct. Wait until he starts talking in his rushed thought bursts. Yeah, that’s a good time.
Andi gets some time with her sister who is clocking Andi for falling for her type. So much for branching out. But Andi thinks that Josh steps up for her, even though he might be too good to be true. Too good to be true? Well, Sis is going to do some questioning of Josh herself. Josh tells her that she came on this show to find a wife and start a family. He’s been in serious relationships and he wants the next one to be with the one he spends his life with… And that’s Andi. He knew he loved her when she visited his family. Right, the family that pays no attention to him anymore. With all the focus on Aaron, a wife would make him feel like he’s worthy. Maybe let’s get Josh some therapy too.
Dad’s up next, and he wants to know if Josh is ready to settle down. Um, I’d like to know about this career of Josh’s that Dad just mentioned. First I’ve heard of it. It’s been all about his past in sports. I’m just thinking that if you don’t want to be known just as a jock, then maybe don’t let some show label you as one. I mean it seems pretty simple, no? Anyway, Josh is ready and is in love with Andi. Dad’s not yet convinced. He wants Josh to realize that this isn’t real life here in the islands. Life is hard in the day to day. Josh says that he gets it and would like Dad’s blessing to ask Andi to marry him. I wonder if they are obligated to ask for the father’s blessing. I mean it’s an old-fashioned notion these days, no? I’m not saying it’s not the right thing to do, but how many guys really still do that on their own accord? No one I’ve dated… then again, I shouldn’t really use my dating history as a thermometer. Anyway, Dad has faith in Andi to make the right decision, so Josh gets Dad’s blessing with the understanding that it’s really Andi’s blessing that he needs. Amen.
Josh also leaves feeling confident. Andi is not… about either of them. Well, their feelings for her. She’s still nervous this could blow up in her face.
Josh gets the first last date. Yes, that makes sense. Apparently, they are only allowed to wear blue in each others presence. And I don’t care how hot you think Josh is, no man should wear a tank top ever. Never ever ever. Period end of story. Wait, let me caveat that… It’s period end of story except for Antonio Sabato Jr. in the Love Will Never Do Without You video. Seriously, that’s the hottest a white tank top has ever looked on anyone ever. In fact, I may need to watch that on a loop later… not mad at Djimon Hounsou either… he isn’t so hard on the eyes… rolling around in those white pants… Wait, what were we just talking about? Oh yeah, Andi and Josh…
The two head off on a boat trip, because that’s what they did on their first date… all those weeks ago. Cue the sweeping orchestral soundtrack as they cruise across the water. It’s not Titanic people. There’s a lot of kissing and giggling and sighing… And shoot me. When Josh says she’s scaring him a little with all her heavy breathing, she does the infamous jaw drop because WHAT??? That’s the craziest thing she’s EVER heard!!! Now, I’m deep sighing. Do they ever actually talk about anything? I have no idea, but it’s time to jump off the boat into the water together because this is what real life is like.
Time for their last date. The non-fantasy suite date. They will now spend their last moments together talking some more about how insecure she is about this relationship. Yeah, so get engaged to him. That seems like a good next step. He swears he’s ready, but she would like him to reassure her again… and again… and again. Sweet Mary, woman, get on the party bus or go home. And would someone tell him to stop mouth breathing when he’s mic’d up? But honestly, I don’t know what else he can say to her to convince her that he’s in it to win it. I guess “Will you marry me?” might work.
Oh boy, another note. I guess when you have nothing else to do all day, you write notes and here is Josh’s. Oh, it’s not just a note. He made her her own baseball card. Okay, that’s cute. And he made her name Andi Murray on the card. They both think the name has a ring to it. Yeah, I’m sure the tennis player would agree. This is sweet though… I’m reluctantly starting to warm up to Josh… Kinda. Ish. Apparently, the baseball card is working for her too, because suddenly she’s all kinds of buying what he’s selling. And with that, she hits the road. No nookie tonight. Yes, because the night before you get engaged to one of your two boyfriends, you shouldn’t get it on. No, that happens the week before.
The Insecurity Flip Flop
Nick’s turn to bring the heat. And another date in blue. His iteration of the hue makes him look more like a Smurf, unfortunately. The tank top may have actually been a better idea. Today, they’re going off-roading and Nick hopes it will be a day he never forgets. I have a feeling that won’t be a problem seeing as how it’s all on film for you to watch over and over and over again.
They hang out on a private beach and have a picnic… snooze. There is also wine, which is a jaw dropper for her, naturally. Then again, I get that damn excited at wine too. They recap his meeting with her family, in case we didn’t see the beginning of the show. Well, this is a thrill a minute.
Time to go swimming. Meanwhile, Nick tells us that he needs to find a way to figure out if Andi is in love with him and is choosing him. If he doesn’t know that, he’s not getting engaged. Um. Yeah. Interestingly, Nick, that’s not how the show works. Don’t know if that’s been explained to you.
It’s time for the evening portion of events, and I guess the wardrobe stylist only has unlined white pants/skirts and backless shirts left for Andi to wear. Granted, I want every one of those tops, but far be it for me to not point it out.
Nick’s grand gesture to Andi, upon her arrival, is a very pathetic attempt at a toast. She, however, loves when he rambles. Well, then you should be at about 11 on that love chart right about now, because the boy has barely managed a full sentence all night. He’s nervous about tomorrow, because he’s been in this position before. In love with someone you’ve known for a hot minute that’s also dating another guy? Oh, no. Thinking something wasn’t right. He doesn’t want to be wondering. She gets it, but she’s not giving it. She thinks he analyzes things too much, and maybe he should just feel this.
Then she tells him it’s going to be alright. Oh lady, you just made him think he’s getting picked. Oy, poor kid. She really should take it down a notch, because even I’m convinced she’s going to propose to him. She’s definitely way more into Nick on a real level than Josh.
He gives her his gift and it’s a necklace with a vial full of sand from the beach where he told her he loved her for the first time. Well, if that’s not romantic, I don’t know what is. She leaves and he can’t imagine she has with anyone else what she has with him… Sigh… Yeah…
Boom Goes The Dynamite
Okay, let’s have a conversation about the fact that Andi is walking around with her deep thoughts in a red camisole. Who does that in real life? No one. So please stop pretending that she didn’t wake up in a tank top and boxer shorts with mascara down to her cheekbones. The rest of us mere mortals cannot live up to this.
Anyway, Andi is torn between her feelings for the remaining two men. She can see both of them in her life, but in the crisp light of morning, she knows who she’s choosing. Cut to Nick’s deep thoughts. His gut tells him to do what’s in his heart & propose. His gut also says she’ll say yes. Methinks you should stop listening to your guts. They’re clearly just fucking with you. On the other hand, Josh is anxious and worried about the outcome. But not too anxious or nervous to pick out a ring with Neil Lane. Make a good choice, boy. And he does. I wouldn’t be mad at that ring. Not mad at all…
Nick’s ready to pick out his ring too. There’s a knock on the door. He goes to let Neil Lane in, but alas, it’s Andi. This is not a good sign for our hapless Nick.
Aaaaaaand we cut to the audience… and Clare who is, needless to say, licking her lips. Seriously, how does she have any lips left? Turns out we have to be kept in suspense (even though we know exactly what’s happening) while Chris earns a paycheck and asks the in-house Bachelor/Bachelorette alum if they think this is good or bad news. It’s bad news. We know it’s bad news. Move it along, would ya?
Nope. Not moving along. Seems they didn’t create enough suspense by taking a dramatic audience pause in the middle of that scene, they are now going to announce the new Bachelor (Chris) because Michelle Money spontaneously (completely planned) asked who it was going to be (Chris). Oh sorry, no, we have to wait… for Chris to tell us it’s Chris.
Okay back to the bad news visit… Oh come on, you know she’s there to spare him the “pain of a rose ceremony”. So, in walks Andi to chat… And I feel terrible for Nick, even though I think he’s slightly cray cray. A broken heart sucks regardless. Sucks out loud. She reminds him of his story about how he woke up the morning of his engagement and felt something wasn’t right. She woke up this morning with the same feeling. You know, breaking someone’s heart is bad enough, but using their own experience against them to do it is straight brutality. She says it’s not right and not what she envisioned. BS. The things she sees in them are not the things she thinks are best for them in the long run. Lady, please. You are so full of shit right now. You’re totally into him, but you signed up for a show that says you can only be into one person at the end, so you’re picking Josh. And you’re picking Josh because he’s hotter than Nick, and offers a cooler life. Just own it. This conversation in insulting and I’m not the one being kicked to the curb.
He wonders when she started feeling this way. She says that she felt worried about his intensity for a long time. Um, is that long time not including you regaling your sister with how is passion is what turns you on? She just wanted to relax and have fun on her last date with and she couldn’t because of all his concerns. Oh you wanted to have fun? So sorry for someone’s feelings annoying you; especially considering you pulled the same shit with Josh 2 days prior. Andi thinks she just wouldn’t have fun with him in life. What a cop out.
He doesn’t know how she could look at him and respond to him the way she did, and not mean it. She did mean it. He wants to know if it’s about them as a couple or about her as a couple with someone else. She shrugs. Well, because it’s about someone else. Shoulda just gone with that in the first place, chica. He thinks she took it too far. He said he loved her and her response was that she wished she could say things back. But he knows this is hard for her and hopes she’s a million percent sure. She is and she’s leaving before she has to answer anymore questions. That was the most awesome “fuck you” hug he just gave her.
Damn. I actually feel badly for the dude. I do. Lord knows I like to make fun and rail on the ridiculousness of it all, but this sucks. That pain is so deep. So real and so all-encompassing. I kinda wanna give him a hug.
The Final Rose
Before we can see Josh get on bended knee, Chris tells us that Nick has wanted to sit down with Andi repeatedly since that day. Andi has refused. Aw, that ain’t cool. Chris says that tonight, she has no choice but to sit down and face the music. Ha, I guess Chris ain’t feeling her either.
Time for the rose. Um, Josh, you could have maybe gone up one size on that blazer. Unbutton that shit.
He stands in front of Andi and starts his speech. He gave up his first love, baseball, to find the great love of his life. He didn’t know if he would find it, but then he met her. She’s the answer to his prayers. He lives every day to see her smile and he knows that he’s the only man who can make her smile that way. Yeah yeah, let’s get on with it.
Her turn… This was a journey and her hope has been tested. It’s been a struggle and a challenge. The first time she met him, she was scared. Him wanting the next “I love you” to be to his wife was something she took seriously. Let me tell you, there’s no part of this that sounds like an “I choose you” speech. This sounds like more of a blow off speech than the one she gave to Nick. From the look on Josh’s face, he agrees. Did no one want to coach a girl? She finally gets around to saying that she loves him and has loved him since the moment she laid eyes on him. With this Josh finally take a breath and love is in the air… and so is sweat. Someone let him take that too-tiny jacket off.
Oh right, first the ring… and a proposal… and a yes. Man, I’m such a sucker. I get weepy at every rose ceremony. Every single one. So much for the bitter angry voices in my head. They’ll be back though… I have no doubt.
Well, that was fast… Bitter Betty is already back, because I’m about to throw a shoe at the TV with all this “love you more”, “forever and ever” and “babe” bullshit. For real. It’s enough.
After The Final Rose
We have yet another hour of this nonsense. And we start with Nick, who tells us that he was in shock when Andi dumped him. It’s hard to let go of something that felt so uniquely special. Andi gave him a purpose. Man, even his mom is crying. She says it tore her apart so she can’t imagine what it was like for him. She thinks he deserves answers. I would agree. He says it’s hard to just let it go. She’s playing it safe with Josh and he wants her to know how he feels.
They show Nick at The Men Tell All taping. He tells Chris that he’s still in love with her and he just needs to talk to her. Chris tells Andi that Nick is there and wants to talk to her. We don’t get to see her response, which means it must have been a doozy. Chris delivers the PG-version of the eff off message, and says she’s not ready for it. Oh right, the letter from last week. Nick gives it to Chris to deliver. He’s still hopeful. Okay dude, you need to let it go. Let this be your closure.
But it’s not because now he’s on the stage… Okay, let THIS be your closure. He says he’s lucky to have friends and family to help him through this, but it still hurts. The hardest part is believing you have that type of connection, and then it slipping through your fingers. Wanting to see her is an effect of being in shock when she broke up with him, and not being able to ask her any real questions. Hey, maybe you should try having someone break up with you via email. Then you get to have something in writing that you can read over and over. That’s a fun time. Sorry, that Bitter Betty is loud tonight.
Anyway, he just wanted to talk to her after he had time with his thoughts. He likes Josh and doesn’t think he will ever take for granted how special Andi is. He knows how genuine Josh’s heart is. That’s sweet.
Well, there’s no more avoiding it. Andi comes out and we get right into it. What say you, Nick? Not much. Oh come on. Get it together, dude. This is your moment! He says that he just wanted an opportunity to express to her how he felt and his thoughts about the relationship. She read the letter he gave her, so he feels like that was enough.
Chris doesn’t think it’s enough, and would like more since they’ve got airtime to fill. So, Nick presses on and says that he will be eternally grateful for her showing him that there is deep love out there. She’s grateful that he got to the point where he felt that great love and he deserves to find someone that will reciprocate it 100%. He feels like she reciprocated 100%. That’s the hard part.
Chris wants to know if she was in love with him. She says no. That’s why she didn’t say it. Um, no, you didn’t say it because thems the rules. You didn’t say it to Josh either. She says that she had a greater love with Josh. Nick didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just that something else was more right. He’s unmoved.
The hardest part for him is that, if she knew how in love with her he was – and wasn’t in love back – why did she make love to him. Oh snap! There it is! She says that was below the belt. Yes, it’s below the belt. It’s also under the bra and down the throat too, I’d imagine.
P.S. – If you wanted that kept private, Andi, you probably should have met with him on the various occasions he came to see you instead of waiting until you were on TV. I kind of love him for saying that. She says her feelings and her actions were real. His take just might have been different than hers. No, he was clear with his feelings. What happened were “fiancé type” things and they meant the world to him. He’s had to play that in his mind over and over. Why is there no camera on Josh right now? This has to be interesting to him. Andi just justifies justifies justifies… She did care about him and respected him. Nick doesn’t seem to be feeling any better about this and neither is Chris, apparently, because he cuts it off. Come on. This is what we tune in for.
Josh’s turn to come on stage and he lays a solid one on her so we all know that he’s the only one laying pipe on the Dorfmann highway now. It’s fate that they live only five minutes away from each other in Atlanta. There’s a lot of shmoopies and kissing and canoodling. They’re madly in love. Anyone have any Pepto? Or more wine? Or more wine flavored Pepto? Now, there’s an idea.
Anyway, the rest of the show is about how happy they are and how they can’t wait to get married. Oh good thing we shooed Nick of stage so we can spend time making fun of Andi’s frown and visiting with Grumpy Cat. I hear the time slipping through the hourglass of life as I sit here watching this. Make it stop…
Rachel: Well, that was long. But next week starts Bachelor In Paradise. Man, I cannot wait for THAT train wreck!