One Sentence Summary: Season 6 comes to an end with a bang… on the table.
Rachel: Okay my jaw dropped when LuAnn left with Harry last week. Tell me she doesn’t know Sonja’s been seeing him. I’m so not buying that. And what a dick Harry is. He’s a Harry dick. LOL… Sorry, couldn’t help it. But I’m sure we’ll get to the bottom of this tonight. Can we also please get to the bottom of Ramona now? I’m so done with her. But let’s be honest, we’re all just waiting for the leg toss heard round the reality world. You’d have to be living under a rock – or watching real news about the world – to have missed the story about tonight’s drama. So, let’s get to it…
There’s Got To Be A Morning After
It’s the morning after and Sonja is licking her wounds. Well, she’s making her interns lick them, because she doesn’t do anything. In the midst of having to deal with her friend leaving the party with her man, she’s also having to deal with a sore ankle. Ramona & Kristen show up to the drama and some tears. Sonja tells them the story and it seems she tripped on her fishtail while running after Harry. Lady, we don’t literally chase boys.
Needless to say, Sonja ain’t happy, and Harry still hasn’t called her, which doesn’t help. But bitch is still wearing that ring he gave her. That might help a little bit. I’m the asshole that would, in a fit of rage, mail the ring back to him or flush it down the toilet. This is why I can’t have nice things and pretty much only have a really outdated Wii to show for all my dating woes. But I do feel badly for Sonja. Look, I think Sonja is banana cakes but this is for real shitty. And you know I love me some Countess, but that was super bad form.
But have no fear. You can’t keep Sonja’s ego down too long… Harry knows she’s attracting all the men right now and he couldn’t handle it. Also, she’s ready for a realtionship (aka: bail out) and he’s not. Is that it? Either way, looks like Harry lost his girl.
Kristen comes home to find Josh at home. This is an exciting surprise, until she realizes he’s at home… with his business partner… to do more work. They’re casting for an ad campaign and Kristen thinks maybe her husband should hire his model wife. He thinks they should hire a vibrant 25-year-old. Yeah, Kristen isn’t having it. So, to show her model-ness, she does a hair flip and what I think is either a pose for the camera or a mini-seizure. Hard to tell. Either way, she’s going to get herself a job. She’s a model. She should model. Plus she takes the product and is proof that it works. What is it supposed to do? Josh does a lot of ad-speak and basically shuts her down without having to fully say no. It’s a team decision and they have to be on the same page creatively… God she’s so desperate. Poor thing…
Sonja is scooting down the stairs in a cocktail dress & stiletto boots, while carrying the dog she adopted 5 minutes ago with her non-boyfriend boyfriend, Harry. She really is a mess. FYI, this entire outfit and drama coming down the stairs is to have a meeting with one of her interns about throwing a party for Team Sonja. Now, Team Sonja includes her surgeon, her facialist, her dog groomer… and the insane list goes on. I tell you, for someone that financially doesn’t have a pot to piss in, this chick lives large.
Oh look who’s arrived… LuAnn. Talk about walking into the lion’s den. Sonja confronts her and LuAnn denies anything happened. Then she says Harry jumped in the car with her, and she didn’t think about it because she thought Sonja went home. Wow, LuAnn, you are the world’s worst liar. I assume you’ll be making a phone call in French shortly? Well, the Countess will never be writing about her days in espionage. Anyway, LuAnn was just looking to have some fun to mend her broken heart. Maybe have some fun with someone that isn’t currently handing out promise rings. And way to turn the tables, LuAnn. She thinks Sonja should be mad at Harry, not her. Well, you both kinda suck, but Sonja decides to believe LuAnn and invites her to her party. She has a guest list to fill.
We Are The World
Heather is shopping for bags at “Love, Alex”, a company that donates money to charity. Fab. I would like to buy one, however after seeing the prices, someone would have to donate to me first. The one Carole chooses costs a sweet $9,000. I’m sorry, but that’s ridiculous. It’s a purse.
Let’s talk about some real things instead, like Jax’s hearing. Heather went for a second opinion and the doctor didn’t think the surgery would work. Oy. How do you make that decision? I guess you ask the kid? Hers doesn’t think he needs the surgery. That bums me out, though. I was hoping it would work.
I Touch Myself
Oh look, Kristen got the job. I stand corrected. Well, I lay in bed corrected. Of course, she can’t just be happy. No, she wonders about all the things that had to go down for her to get the job. And if she calls her husband “Player” one more time, I’m coming through the TV. She gets in front of the camera and now thinks the assignment is weird, because she has to look sensual. Sweet Mary, woman, be grateful you go the job! I’m not sure how this orgasm face direction plays into the whole vivacious and vibrant creative brief. Oh well, she’s on a TV show so either way it’s more publicity for the pill they have yet to explain.
Time for Sonja to confront Harry. You strut on in there Miss Fries With That Shake and stay strong. She confronts him on his bad behavior. Let’s see if he tells the same story as LuAnn. First, he tries saying he did call her in the morning. Then he tries blaming Heather by saying that she said he should leave with LuAnn, because she’s not doing well. Even if that’s true, you don’t leave your girlfriend at a party!
Thankfully, Sonja isn’t buying what he’s selling. This guy is as slimy as a slug in a rainstorm. Did he just say nothing happened with LuAnn, though he wishes it did? What an ass. Nothing it’s working, so now he’s going with the “I’m apologizing so that just cleans it all up” tact. Sonja’s done listening, gives him back the ring and tells him he’s not enough for her. Classy move, lady. I should have half her balls.
Kristen & Heather come to Carole’s to check out the renovation. And her kitchen is, in fact, her office though it’s still kitchen-y. The champers is popped and the girls check out the new pad. It’s pretty fab. She also gives the girls a copy of her book. You know, now that she sent all the others to her exes. Naturally, they start joking and talk turns to Aviva. She is going to Sonja’s party, but the girls think she’s just an outsider now. They’re just over her drama and faux illnesses. Carole intends to be politely rude to her. I love that. I must use that… politely rude.
Mama Says Knock You Out
Time for Team Sonja’s party. Oh boy, the gossipy facialist is there. Better not let LuAnn catch a glimpse. Too bad Sonja hasn’t shown up yet. When she does, she says she was late because she forgot how to use her printer. Ramona is 60 seconds in and causing a scene already, because Sonja wants to give a speech – on her freshly printed paper – before officially saying hi to Ramona. Cool your jets, Crazy. She’ll be over in a minute. This is the weirdest speech for the weirdest party. Meanwhile the other girls are mad about Aviva out loud now. She should have come over and apologized for not coming to Montana or at least asking how it was. Meanwhile, Aviva senses the bitches are out for blood tonight and slinks off to talk to Sonja – the only member of the Housewives team still talking to her.
The dynamic duo wander over and Sonja wants to know what the rest of the girls thought about her speech. Heather says it was long. Oh Lord, can’t you just be nice? Dumb question.
Kristen notices that Aviva is looking rather waifish. She says she’s lost 10lbs, not by choice, in the last 2 weeks. Kristen is confused because asthma is supposed to bloat you. It is? When did that happen? Maybe I have asthma. That would explain this belly.
The women confront Aviva and Heather, for better or worse, tries to get Aviva to recognize that there is something deeper than asthma going on. By the way, that’s a really hard word to type. Kristen, who can’t let anything not be about her, tells… er, yells really… that she’s done nothing but try to be Aviva’s friend. Aviva would tend to disagree and thinks the word horrific is more fitting than friend. Carole thinks Aviva is the horrific one and is not a good friend to anyone. No one trusts her. They all feel they’ve been lied to.
Aviva says well, as it turns out, she’s the one that’s been lied to by her doctor… Okay I have to put the TV on pause. I’m not sure I can even take the bullshit about to come out of her mouth. This should be brilliant. Oh joke’s on me, she’s just teasing Kristen because, of course she has SEVERE asthma. You need proof, well, let’s just all take a gander at the x-ray she just pulled out of her purse. Boy, I hope Sonja’s facialist is taking notes. This is some good gossip to share over an exfoliation. I mean who brings a copy of their x-rays to a party?
And since Aviva’s already on a tear, let’s bring it all back to the beginning and talk about the things Aviva heard about Carole’s writing. Oh for the love of all things holy, do we have to go back to this? I guess I’m not the only one over it all because Heather is out of her seat and taking that terribly unflattering netted dress to the other side of the room. Carole is close behind. So, is LuAnn. Now it’s Ramona’s turn to tell Aviva what she thinks. She doesn’t got on trips, because she doesn’t want to leave her husband. Aviva denies it. This was all about her illness. And she has lost 10lbs eating healthy because her reflux is causing her asthma. Well, I think it can exacerbate it but I’m not so much sure about causing it. Sorry, again, applying logic where none exists.
Heather comes back and tells the table this night is about Sonja. Not Aviva. Everyone agrees, but before their butts can even hit the seats, Aviva’s back on her rant about asthma. She’s hurt that no one believes her. I’m not sure who says what because there’s a lot of chatter, but all I know is that Aviva’s x-rays end up in Heather’s lap. Up goes Heather again, who would like to go home because this is not worth her time. I love that everyone in the room is just watching this and wondering when the popcorn is going to show up.
Well, hold on to your kernels folks, because this shit just got real. Real funny. To drive home the fact that Aviva is all truth all the time, she says that the only thing fake about her is her leg. Oh no, I’m sorry, she doesn’t say her leg. She shows it… by taking it off and slamming it on the table. This is some rad shit right here. Not having had enough attention, she now tosses the leg at Heather on the other side of the room. Everyone is laughing, including me, because this is so stupid. What point did that actually make? I’d dare say she doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Boom! I’m here all night. No really, I am. I wouldn’t pull your leg. But I do think strange things are afoot. Okay, I’ll stop. I can’t go toe to toe with these women. Sorry… so sorry… I mean it’s just too easy and too tragic and too everything to stop. This woman is insane. I hope this publicity stunt doesn’t get her invited back next season. Please…
Oh it’s time for the cast recaps….
- Aviva released her book.
- Heather is making a Yummie legging called Bossy Pants and Jax had a less invasive procedure on his ears.
- Kristen is signed to an agency and continues to work on her marriage with Josh. We also get to see her billboard.
- Carole’s book was released to rave reviews and she continues to date at 50.
- Ramona is working on her marriage with Mario & Avery made straight A’s.
- Sonja dismissed Harry, sold her chateau and is in the market for more team members.
- And LuAnn gets no ending since she’s not an official cast member even though she was on the entire season.
Rachel: I’m thinking Kristen is going to be the latest one & done on this show. She’s going to go the way of Cindy Barshop. Would be great if she took Ramona & Aviva with her.