One Sentence Summary: It’s not just the Guidice jury that is out… we’re still not sure Auntie Dina and some newbies can they save the franchise after nixing some key Jersey ladies (fish eye to you Bravo for letting Caroline go).
My favorite Auntie Dina returns and I couldn’t be happier… For real!! Not gonna lie… I’d “skin her to wear like last season’s Versace.” if she’d let me. I mean I would Staubb her or anything, jus hang and drink wine. There’s a chance she might even be able to earn the Jersey ladies an increase to their allotted 500 or less. But let’s face it, she has some stiff competition what with Joey’s constant “stiff” and such comments and the newbies who already rub me the wrong way and I’ve only seen previews.
RHONJ in 500 or less
It’s a cold day in hell… er, Jersey while the Gorgas watch indictment coverage. Joey isn’t sure what to while Melissa insists they’ll support them. Is their room smaller? Right, they sold the house to move away from the Guidices – supportively of course. Melissa calls Tre to confirm the broadcast and Tre says no… um, someone’s pants will be in fire! Tre tells Gia lies have been leaked and not to stress; there are consequences to actions (oh really??).
Flash back 3 months to a happier time… the return of AUNTIE DINA!!! Those boots alone are worth 500 words!! Dina eye rolls the topic of Caroline, which hurts me deeply but wait, she doesn’t, do wine… that hurts worse! Tre shares her sleepless nights and the desire to have things to go back they way they were… when the spotlight wasn’t on their suspect activities. Auntie Dina’ has husband drama and feels alone.
Besties Melissa and Tre head to cheerleading practice and Melissa insists the Gorga’s are doing well despite last season’s rumors. Tre wants the girls to twerk for them… way to set her up for the pole Tre.
Amber is our new control freak demanding her party wait staff can’t be stupid. Her party food arrives in the form of the whole pig… OMFG it’s just sitting on the kitchen counter!! There’s no amount of Clorox to clean that image for me… or Amber’s kids.
UGH, therapy Dina?! She and the hubs have separate lives but still kick it in the boudoir. Yep, TOTALLY normal.
Tre’s has new dessert line… to pay legal fees.
Finally the twins Teresa & Nicole… who couldn’t be more stereotypical Jersey. Is that bitch stirring a Bellini with a spoon?? Sweet Mary what is wrong with you?! Funny how “twins” start looking different when the nips and tucks commence.
Officially 29 minutes in with Joey’s first gut churning comments – stunned he made it that long.
Tre clearly thinks the disco ball eye shadow will avert party gossip… good plan. Melissa gets introduced to the twins and I think Joey found a soul mate in Rino while Amber twitches over Teresa’s friends slopping up her pristine home. Amber tells her breast cancer backstory – ok, cheers and congrats on 5 years!! Amber wants to know why Melissa disappear but Melissa had no idea about her cancer. Is anyone else distracted by the wall-mounted phone behind Melissa? Eyes roll as Rino bellows he’s had enough and wants to go.
The day of the family portrait Tre pushes they are building family memories… to get them through your time in the pokey I assume. Joe raises a toast on the balcony to his grandmother and family with a “I loves you all”. Gia tears up with love for her father thus moving him to waterworks. Pops reminds Joe they did nothing wrong… and as I was about to snark they showed his memoriam. That’s enough for tonight… now I feel bad… where’s my wine.
Pretty tame opening show… condolences to the Guidice family on their loss. Oh, and those twins are already stomping their Louboutins on my last nerve.