PLAY THE “BACHELORETTE DRINKING GAME: ANDI EDITION” – CLICK HERE FOR THE RULES.
One Sentence Summary: Hometown dates are on the line, but only one of the bachelors thinks it’s in the bag.
Rachel: It’s official, Chris is now my number 1 guy. I know how you’ve been waiting with bated breath for that announcement. He’s just the only guy left that seems like an actual grown up to me. That and he’s hot. Like he’d totally pull your hair hot. Wait, did I say that out loud? Ahem, anyway… I find the rest of the guys boring as as hell, minus Nick who is just insane. Sorry, ladies, but the dude is not in his right head. Between the constant smug smile, the “Andi is mine” commentary and the soulless eyes (see photo to the left), I’m telling you, he’s one more group date away from bat shit. Something about that guy makes my skin crawl. I think he actually studied Courtney from Ben’s season and is mimicking her tactics. I’m just waiting for him to show up in a white bikini and go for a swim behind Andi while she’s having one-on-one time with a guy. Oh it could happen. Very easily…
Rachel: The boys arrive in Brussels and wander the streets in their scarves and hoodies. And once again, are they forced to dress like J Crew clones? Oh no, Dylan, no. A ponytail on a boy is never a good idea. A half ponytail is even worse. Hey look, Chris Harrision is working again. Nice of you to show up for a change. He has met them in the next in a series of sick hotels wearing his cashmere blazer to remind them that this is it before hometown dates. Oh right, it’s a hometown visit on the line this week. Shit’s about to get real. Well, real-ish. The only rose is on the group date this week.
Marcus gets the one-on-one and he’s pumped. Really? I couldn’t tell. No, I seriously couldn’t tell. I wonder if his blood pressure ever gets above 120. And those jeans are so bad. So so bad. Like Sean Lowe bad. I’d send him home for the jeans alone.
Okay, the producers literally don’t even try to plan dates anymore. Another day of wandering around town. So as they walk around, Andi says she’s hesitant about Marcus because he said he wanted to leave at one point. She wonders if he’s the guy that’s going to stick around. She brings it up and he says that he’s been journaling all good stuff about her… minus that leaving part, right? He was scared of the emotions. He was freaked out by feeling this way so soon. You know, because he’s in love with her. No you’re not. You’ve spent a grand total of, what, 5 hours with her? You don’t even know how she takes her coffee at this point. Andi thinks it’s romantic. It’s not romantic. It’s creepy.
But we need to walk around more now. Oh look! It’s a Belgian waffle! What a surprise! This is making me nod off into my wine glass… though I do dig that sweater. By the way, my watching buddy Colleen just asked how tall Marcus is. 6’2″ in case you were also wondering. And while I was researching that nugget, I just read that Enrique Iglesias is one of Marcus’s three favorite artists. Look, I get lovin’ a little Enrique when you’re a lady… but really Marcus? Top 3? You don’t really seem like a Bailamos kinda dude. But maybe the hips don’t lie, and we’re all not in on the secret.
Anyway, it’s time for dinner and she’s wearing the same dress we saw in the previews when Nick busts into her hotel room. So, have fun, Marcus, but there’s a dude ready to steal your thunder lurking in the background.
They talk hometown date. She’ll be meeting his sister, niece and nephew. There is no dad figure in his life because daddy walked out. Oh boy, daddy issues. Andi’s not concerned that his father won’t be there. Honey, it’s not about you. The boy is telling you he has daddy issues… which I guess are better than mommy issues. For a guy. Oy vey, he says his mom would say she did the best she could, but that she wasn’t a great mom. Their relationship was a struggle growing up. Oh Lord, mommy and daddy issues. Run, girl, run! But she thinks he’s aware and has accepted it. He says his relationship with his mother has progressed and he now sees her twice week. His sister, on the other hand, comes to his office everyday. Woo, the dysfunction is ripe. Andi thinks Marcus is the total package. Did you not hear a word he just said? He must have something powerful going on with those kisses because girl goes deaf and dumb around him.
The next date card arrives and Josh gets the next one-on-one date. Bah, should have gone to Chris. Josh feels good about the date. Yeah, methinks she’s taking you because she isn’t feeling it after your Bitter Betty routine last week. And please put a shirt on.
But before dawn comes and Josh sets off for romance among the waffles, Marcus comes back from his date, which means it’s time for Nick to sneak out and find Andi. I’m telling you, he has crazy eyes. Nick tells us that he’s been persistent his whole life, so he’s going after what he wants. Now instead of getting Andi’s room number by just telling the producers he needs to talk to her, he goes to the front desk to get his “lost” room key by pretending he’s Andi’s husband. Without showing ID or calling her room, they just send him up on his way. I mean are we supposed to pretend that was real? You know, with the giant TV camera pointed in the receptionist’s face? Come on.
Anyway, he knocks on the door and greets a very surprised Andi. Her heart is pounding. Okay, I know you weren’t expecting him, but it’s not like your boyfriend from the first grade just showed up out of the blue. Pick your jaw up off the floor and take the dramatics down a few decibels.
Needless to say, Andi takes him up on the offer to hand. They go for a walk and stop for a drink. She thinks this is awesome and the other guys should want to sneak over. It’s week 7 after all. Yes, everyone knows that week 7 of a relationship is the traditional “Show up unannounced” week. She’s never seen Nick this nervous… in the whole 7 weeks she’s known him? He tells her that the feelings that he feels are insane. I would agree with insane. He knows he’s going to marry her… even if he has to hog tie her and drag her down the aisle. Has anyone checked his closets for the gimp? He makes my skin crawl. There is some serious making out against a lamp post. He’ll never forget this night. Neither will that lamp post.
Another walking around date for Josh and Andi… Seriously, guys. Try. Just a little bit. Andi says her feelings are undeniable with Josh but she’s afraid he can break her heart. Any guy can break your heart, but you’re worried because you don’t believe he’s genuine. Oh wait, that’s me. I don’t think he’s genuine. But all joking aside, can we just find out what he does now? Is he really just sitting around all day being an ex-athlete? It is possible. He’s dumb like stump. He tells Andi that he’s excited to see his family and can’t wait for her to meet them. He also tells her that being vulnerable is hard for him and this whole situation is tough because of the feelings he has.
She likes hearing this, but she doesn’t think he’s in the same place as Marcus and Nick, so she’s worried. Yeah, but Marcus and Nick are bananas. Josh says he hates group dates, because he wants her all for himself. And he was mad about the lie detector, because she should trust him. Are we discussing this again? Wait, did he just say this isn’t too good to be true? Uh, high opinion of yourself there buddy. She thinks it might be too good to be true. Someone help me out here. Isn’t he on the one-on-one because she’s not sure about their connection and his feelings? So how does that fall under too good to be true? Seems like it’s more in the “not good enough” category. He says he’s never been in a position to have to be the vulnerable one. Oh that’s not a good sign. That means he’s used to being pursued. Can we just pick Chris now and go home? Please?
It’s time for dinner and they are sitting in a gorgeous castle. I’ve got a very irritated friend next to me right now. Colleen loves herself a castle and finds it offensive that they’re having this inane conversation there. Yes, it’s disrespectful to the castle. Has she been drinking behind my back?
Anyway, Josh proclaims – because you proclaim things in a castle – that he’s going to tell his parents that he’s falling in love with her. Oh! The magic words! And just like that she’s back in Josh’s fog. He doesn’t throw I love yous around willy nilly, you see. He saves it for the woman he wants to marry. Panty dropper word number two: marry. Yeah, she’s now surgically attached to his lips. He looks like a bad kisser. He also “mmms” when he kisses. There are two very ill women in the audience right now. Please make it stop. Oh look, it’s another band. American Young is this week’s entertainment. Did ABC buy a record label in the last year? Oh right, dinner and a show. That’s what we get this season.
Blessings & Bullshit
Time for the group date: Nick, Dylan, Brian & Chris are the lucky winners this week. Nick tells the guys that he’s excited to see Andi and to never be on a group date again. I’m unclear on what they’re doing today other than wandering through castle ruins. Did Dylan just ask if these were closed in with walls at one time? What the fuck do you think castle ruins are? Lord…
They’re going to finish the tour via rail bikes. For those at home, a rail bike is four pedal stations on four corners that take a seat in the middle up some railroad tracks. Needless to say who the four slaves are and who is getting the ride. Now, this date I could manage, though at the end of the ride, you have four men that are seriously pitting out. Less sexy.
The ride ends at a monastery and Andi tells them that there is no kissing within the walls. Can you get a little ass grab and over the shirt action? Oh you were wondering the same thing. Don’t play. As they sit around the ubiquitous group date table, Brian is shocked by the rose being there. Because Chris didn’t tell you that there was a rose tonight? Did you hit your head on the basketball court too many times? Now, I’m confused.
While Brian ponders the existence of a rose, Chris and Andi sneak off to the pottery barn… Not THAT Pottery Barn, an actual pottery barn where they reenact Ghost – even hottie Chris can’t make that not cheesy – and they kiss… which I thought they weren’t supposed to do. They have a little clay battle and I’m telling you, she’s an idiot if she doesn’t keep him around. Granted, I’d be happy to take him off her hands. It’s the charitable side of me.
Andi & Chris come back and I wonder how awkward it must be to have to stop and get your lips redone between make-out sessions, because her lipstick is perfect. She tells the guys that whoever gets the rose today, gets the rest of the date. The rest of the guys go home with their egos shattered. Time to up the ante, boys. Dylan grabs her first. He tells her that she would meet his grandmother on their hometown… and cut to Brian freaking out. Having a rough day, eh Brian? Brian is worried about Nick, who is smarter than him, but fake. Chris thinks Nick’s all about strategy.
Brian gets his time and also thinks he’s falling in love with Andi. Zero swagger with this dude. Zero. And while he pleads his case for a hometown, Nick pontificates. Brian and Chris are in the same category… They don’t count. That’s lovely. He thinks everyone else should just leave. Apparently, Dylan doesn’t even blip his radar. I’m not sure Dylan blips his own radar to be honest. Colleen and I are convinced that Dylan doesn’t actually know where he is half the time. Back to Nick and his feelings. He tells Andi that he isn’t nervous. He’s excited. He’s never felt someone fall for him but he feels it with her… though he doesn’t want to put words in her mouth. Maybe just a ball gag. She’s his other half, and he knows she feels the same way… He’s bat shit crazy. For real. He’s got stalker potential written all over him. I’d even go so far as saying there might be “She puts the lotion in the basket” potential there too.
Time for the rose, which is very important to her, because it means she’s going to have the honor of meeting someone’s family. And she gives it to Nick. Facepalm. Wake up and smell the chloroform! The rest of the guys are pisssssed. Well, Dylan is confused, but the rest are pissed. Nick is bursting at the seams, because this means that she loves him. His confidence is at its peak and he’s happy to see the other guys go. He has dead eyes. Is no one else scared by him?
As the guys head back, they are baffled by what just happened. Chris admits that Nick plays the game well. Brian says he’s a snake. I’m actually shocked no one has gotten frustrated enough to just go, “Fuck it” already.
I actually don’t even want to hear Nick & Andi’s conversation. He has no soul and watching him is like stealing a piece of mine.
The guys get home and it’s noticed right away that Nick is not with them. Josh and Marcus join the not-happy crew. Josh says that Nick has admitted to memorizing every episode and knows how the game is played. They think he’ll walk off the show if he’s the final two. He has other intentions, which do not have anything to do with Andi. Nick analyzes every country he they go to before they get there. Yeah, this guy is a douchebag. Lord knows I can pick a douchebag, and this guy is a big one. How is he still here?
Back to Andi and Nick and their love talk. I’ll spare you. It’s nauseating. She still has a surprise for him and I’m guessing it’s either another band or fireworks… It’s fireworks. It’s also not surprising.
Not surprisingly, the guys are still pissed off when Nick walks in with his rose. The room is only slightly awkward. And by slightly, I mean I’m uncomfortable. No one says a word. I really wish someone would smack that smug smile off of Nick’s face. Brian finally speaks about Nick’s game playing. Marcus thinks Nick preys on people that are insecure. He wouldn’t trust his sister with him. Chris says he talks more about strategy than he does about Andi. Nick thinks this is all BS and wants an example of his gaming. Chris helps him out with a few examples. He also says talking about who will be the next bachelor is disrespectful. Nick just loves hearing himself talk, says Chris. Josh says everyone has the same opinion about him so how can Andi not see it. Nick says they just handle their feelings in different ways. His relationship with Andi is on his mind more than anything, so accusing him of being strategic instead of being genuine is annoying. He just knows he’s going to end up with Andi… and will enjoy her liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
Do we have to watch her pull up in a car every week like she’s the Duchess of Windsor? Why not give her a crown too? Though that dress screams tiara more than crown.
Inside, Dylan thinks it’s going to be between him, Brian and Chris as to who is the fourth hometown date. Dylan wonders if a conversation now even will change her mind. Probably not, but that doesn’t stop Chris from trying. He tells Andi that their hometown date will be in a small town of 758 people. It’s beautiful and it’s special to him. He also wants her to know that he’s falling in love with her, which is why seeing where he’s from is important to him. It’s his heart. Iowa will always be a big part of his life and he wants to share it with her. I’m all about Chris right now. He was a slow burn, but I’m all kinds of on fire now.
Dylan gives his best effort with Andi, but I’m not feeling any heat in that room. Has he even kissed her? He’s so going home. Meanwhile, Nick is pacing around like a caged tiger because he’s tired of all this bullshit. So, he walks in and steals Andi away from Brian. Granted, he already knows Andi’s in love with him and they belong together so I guess it’s not stealing if she’s already his… He tells her he feels like he has a target on his back. He can’t do anything right as far as the other guys are concerned. He knows it’s real for the other guys, but it’s different for them. What they have is special. Yeah, a special kind of crazy. Crazytown Crazy. Like sniffing your laundry when you’re away so he can smell you crazy. And now he’s crying about it. Boy, I can’t wait to meet this family.
As Andi starts to leave to decide who’s going home, Chris says he needs one more moment. And that makes Nick aaaangry. I hope they have a tranquilizer gun on standby. Andi thinks Chris is going to tell her he’s leaving, but he’s actually just wanting a little kiss. She’s not mad at that and thinks “You go, Farmer!” Yeah, you go is right.
Has a rose: Nick
Gets a rose: Josh, Marcus, & Chris
Going home: Dylan, & Brian
And the tears begin… from Dylan and Andi. She even has a heaving sob moment, which they keeps showing as if she is crying uncontrollably. Yeah, we’re wise to your editing. Brian leaves and we get another sob… I mean same sob. He’s pretty broken up about it too. Andi tells the final four that this is bittersweet for her, but she’s excited too. They all laugh like good little trained monkeys, because she tells them to be happy. Meanwhile, Brian hears the laughter in the background and thinks it’s insensitive. It is! Now run back in there and tell her so…. And then throw in the fact that Nick’s a loon for good measure!
Bottom Line: Rachel: Did Chris just say that Andi could move to Iowa and be a homemaker in the previews? Please tell me that’s just bad editing. I can’t even take it if he ends up being a chauvinist.