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One Sentence Summary: Truth doesn’t get in the way of searching for love in Venice.
Rachel: Well, now that Andi has gotten rid of Patrick before I could find out if my crush was more than just on his hair, I find myself not thrilled with the posse she has left. I’m still Team JJ, but usually I have at least one runner-up that I’m rooting for behind the scenes. I mean I’m not mad at Dylan. He’s still a cutie, but I’m still waiting on the personality to bubble on up now that he’s shared his secret. Any day now… Any day… And I could like Josh if I actually believed he was for real. There’s something about him that makes me think we might have a Jake Pavelka on our hands. You know, seems all shiny and fabulous, until you make him mad. Hopefully, I’m wrong. Don’t think I am, though. Other than that, the rest of the playing field holds no special appeal… And someone PLEASE explain Cody to me. I’m sure he’s a lovely person but… well… I just don’t see it. So yeah, let’s go JJ and get this party started.
Left In The Dust
Rachel: Ah yes, now they’re in Venice. Because that’s fair. The boys sail into town, literally, and Nick knows he has some work to do, because he sucked on last week’s Group Date… Um, yeah, but I believe the term you’re looking for is “salty”. While the guys stand around and wonder who’s getting the date card, we get deep thoughts from Andi. What better place to fall in love than Venice? Her feelings are getting deeper. She still has questions though… someone wake me up when this part is over. There’s some more yada yada yada, until the guys roll up on their fair maiden herself.
Well, this is a change of pace. Are we having a total group date or is she just going to grab a guy and go from here? What happened to Chris Harrison? And has her hair been ombre the whole time and I’m just noticing? Oh the burning questions one has while watching the Bachelorette.
Anywho, she takes Nick on the one-on-one date and leaves a befuddled Cody in her wake. Nick’s getting a second one-on-one and Cody still hasn’t had his first. He feels like he’s the pet dog of the group. If the collar fits… But Andi needs to figure some things out after last week and that’s why Nick gets the date. So off they go in a gondola, while the rest of the guys stand around pretending this isn’t a death knell for Cody.
The left-behinds head off to their hotel, which is a gorgeous spa on the outskirts of Venice. I’m thinking they got the better deal here. Cody is still confused about being left in the dust. Chris tells him that maybe Andi took Nick because she has some questions after last week’s drama. Cody then says that either Andi really likes Nick or maybe she has some questions she needs answered after last week. You think so, Ace? Way to deduce that on your own. It’s almost like Chris JUST said the same thing…
Nick and Andi wander through town, stop for some pizza and feed some pigeons, who keep landing on their heads and shoulders. Yeah, that would not be happening in my book ever. Thanks, but pigeons shitting on my head seems like the opposite of romantic, but Nick does it all with a smile in hopes that Andi sees how not salty he is. Oh for the love, you are no longer allowed to say salty. And while she says she has a lot of questions for him, she seems more interested in kissing him.
It’s actually Nick that brings up the subject, while they cruise around in a gondola. He wants to know her opinion about what happened last week. They don’t really say much, but Andi feels better because he says he’ll do better. Way to get in there and get answers, girl. You really are one tough prosecutor.
They kiss under the Bridge of Sighs, and as urban legend goes, that means they’ll have eternal love… it just doesn’t say with whom. PS – It’s technically supposed to be a kiss at sunset as the bells of St. Mark’s toll. But hey, it’s the Bachelorette, so let’s not facts get in the way of fantasy.
Time for dinner and we’re pulling out the fancy duds! A tux for him and a ball gown for her. Correction: A ball gown and a masquerade mask. You know, all part of the mystery that is Andi.
At the table, she tells him that she brought him on this date for a reason. She still wonders if Sweet Little Nick isn’t that sweet. He says that the whole night in question was weird for him. She says she wants to be with a guy that other guys like. Well, honey, you put a bunch of hungry men in a cage and make them fight over one piece of meat, there’s bound to be some tension. Nick says being called arrogant hurt his feelings. He admits that it’s hard for him to believe that anyone else has the connection with her that he does. She’s his number one priority, so at the risk of ruffling feathers of the other guys, he does speak with confidence about her. Ah, so he actually gets the game, while the other guys pretend they’re in some weird fraternity, where instead of sharing Greek letters, they’re sharing a girl. I like Nick’s approach better. He does want to be their friend, and that night upset him. He likes that he & Andi can have real and uncomfortable conversations. Have to give them that. They have managed to get beyond the superficial “I want 3 babies and a dog” conversation. He’s definitely falling in love, but still understands they have a long way to go. If you thought for a second she had one foot out the door, I can telly you they are both firmly back inside. Oh, give him the rose already. She does and does it with out skepticism.
There must be something else, right? Ah yes, a masquerade ball… for two. Um, aren’t there usually other people at a ball? I mean other than the 3 Italian musicians. Wearing masks when it’s just the two of you is just awkward… like Eyes Wide Shut awkward. I need a drink.
The next morning, Andi gets the third letter from her Secret Admirer. Now, while I get that this is super romantic and cute, it’s also slightly confusing to me. I mean, what happens if you get sent home before you are revealed, Mr. Secret Admirer Dude? Just a thought…
What Lies Ahead
Group date card arrives: Josh, Brian, Dylan, Marcus, JJ, and Chris get the call. That means Cody and his little hair are getting a one-on-one date. Aw, all the boys are excited for their little buddy. It’s almost embarrassing how pathetic this whole scene is. Well, until you realize what you’re watching.
The six group daters show up for their adventure. They walk around the town, but we all know there must be something more humiliating waiting for them. Here we go… We enter a very scary room full of weapons. Why weapons you ask? Because truth is a weapon… Wait, is it? I think that’s not the correct metaphor, but let’s not tell the producers at ABC, who have used this setting for lie detector tests. Andi believes in honesty, and this is how she’s going to get some truthiness from the guys. Just me or does Josh look like he’s swallowing hard? Whatcha hiding, Joshie?
Oh, well looky here… It’s Chris who is saying he has a big secret he’s been keeping. He’s been waiting to tell Andi, but he wasn’t planning on doing it just yet. Uh, you’re running out of time, guy. I’m thinking now is as good a time as any. Hmm… I wonder if he’s the secret admirer. Are we being set up to think it’s something totally dark and it’s going to be that? Probably. Or maybe it’s that he spent time in a Turkish prison. Nah, I’m going with secret admirer.
While the guys sit around and freak out about what’s about to happen, Andi takes her own lie detector test. Josh is the first of the guys to go and is not happy about this situation. The questions are what you’d expect them to be: Are you here for the right reasons? Are you ready for marriage? Can you see yourself falling in love with Andi? And then there’s the very deep and revealing question of do you prefer blondes to brunettes? Really? That’s important? I mean prefer chocolate to vanilla, but I’m not mad at a little vanilla every now and again, you know what I’m sayin? If Josh can’t answer these questions honestly, I’m thinking he’s got some issues.
Remember when I was saying how I was hoping Dylan’s personality would show up? Well, perhaps I’m regretting those words, because we just found out that he has slept with more than 20 women and does not wash his hands after going to the bathroom. I’m sure those 20+ women are thrilled to hear that… and are probably feeling a little sick to their stomachs. He’s not feeling so hot either after the stressful truth telling, and tells Andi he needs to go back to the hotel. She feels badly for him and offers to walk him out… while holding his hand. Yeah, you might want to think twice about that.
While Andi sends Penis Hands (Dylan’s new nickname) home, we find out that Chris is, indeed, Andi’s secret admirer. Damn, I’m good! And damn, are the producers bad at setting us up. But this makes me like Chris a little bit more. If he washes his hands post-pee, he may even move up the ranks to a close second to JJ.
Finally, it’s time for the results… But first I have to ask, did they get told that they all have to wear blue today? And I also have to ask if Marcus trims his chest hair with a lawn mower. It’s the straightest line of chest hair, which weirdly grows up, ever. Okay sorry, test results…
3 men told no lies, one man told two lies, and 2 men told 3 lies. But wait! There’s more! That’s right, Andi has some results too and she told… count ’em, folks!… two lies. Yeah, that’s right. Our perfect little bachelorette done lied to the machine. What did she lie about you ask? Well, Italy is not her favorite country (lame) and she doesn’t think all the guys are here for the right reasons (interesting).
Andi debates whether or not she should open the envelope with the men’s results… OPEN IT! Is that really a question? She not only doesn’t open up the envelope, she tears up the results. You dumb ass. She wants to do this authentically. There’s nothing authentic about this process, so why start now? Can someone give me the envelope? I want to know which dudes lied 3 times. Well, that was a colossal waste of time.
Cocktails are upon us, and Andi hopes the guys come clean. Yeah, right. You should have opened that envelope if you want truth. Brian is up first, and he lets Andi give him a new lie detector test. He says he’s never lied to a girlfriend. Cough, bullshit. She asks if he’s ever told a girl she looks good when she didn’t. Yes. Well then you lied… busted. Maybe our lawyer is lawyerly after all. And I still don’t get Brian. Next up, Marcus. This dude is such a snooze. He says this has been hard for him and thought about leaving. But he feels strongly about her and realized she is worth it, because he’s in love with her. And there it is, folks. The first premature ejacu-love-tion of the season. I almost fell over, my eyes rolled so hard on that one. But Andi is all in for that news and the lawn mower chest hair.
Next, Josh tells Andi that he is not pleased about the lie detector test. A relationship is built on trust and that was proof that she didn’t trust him. Dude, it’s a reality show. Do you think she had anything to do with planning that? I mean I’m sure she could have said she refused to do it, but to act like she made the decision is ridiculous. She wonders why his guard up and what he’s hiding. He says nothing is being hidden. He feels their relationship is going in the right direction. She’s less sure. Man, this girl does not like to be pushed. I’m not saying Josh is right here, but she gets defensive fast. So, he’s not allowed to not like something she did? I guess not, because now, of course, she questions everything… while crying. Lord give me strength. Woman, no man in the world is going to spend the rest of their lives with you and not piss you off or be pissed off every now and again. It’s not the end of the world. It’s actually just real life… but then again, this isn’t real life no matter how many times we’re told it is.
But just when the night is coming apart in dramatic fashion, in comes Chris to save the day… maybe. Starting his story by saying he hasn’t been completely honest, might not be the best way to approach this, but Imma let him handle this. She knows before he says it that he’s her secret admirer. She says she knew it all along. No, you didn’t. She is happy, because he’s shown his romantic side to her. He’s happy, because he got a little ass cuppage for the effort. The night is saved everyone! You can relax now. Exhale. Sip some wine. That was close.
And now the rose… Things are weird for her and it’s getting confusing. She thinks it was an interesting group date… It was for us all. But Chris gets the rose for giving her hope and confidence. I’m thinking Chris is really working his way up that ladder of mine too.
With that Andi leaves the men to sit around with their buzzes on and start snapping at each other. Snapping first would be JJ, who is sick of everyone congratulating the guy that gets the rose, and the date and any special response from Andi. They shouldn’t be happy. They should be bummed it’s not them. True, but this line of rational reasoning never goes well, JJ. Why don’t you get the make-up people to blot your shiny forehead and take a time out? He does not heed my advice and says that he feels like he can’t pretend to be happy for the guys anymore. Chris says he needs to just stop talking. Agreed. Let Brian, the congratulator, do Brian, and JJ can do JJ… aka Sour Grapes. Ha, methinks Chris might have just become my number one dude.
Meanwhile, in other awkward moments, Cody & Nick share a sauna. Silently. Usually you have to pay money to watch two men in a sauna… I mean, so I’ve heard.
Romeo, You Ain’t
As Andi goes into her date with Cody, she tells us she’s emotionally drained. But hey, Cody has amazing eyes, so that might just make up for it all. It’s time to turn up the romance on their relationship (wasn’t aware they had one) in Verona, the birthplace of Romeo & Juliet. Gag. And of course they have to go to the courtyard where Juliet shouted to Romeo. We also find out that, apparently, people write to Juliet from all over the world and tell her about their love woes. There’s an entire foundation that handles this, and amazingly, they answer every letter. I think that’s weird. Is that weird?
Cody & Andi are going to respond to some of the letters themselves. Are they really going to let Cody write a letter? They read some letters and Cody reads one that is so clearly a plant from the producers. Come on, guys, how dumb do you think we are? Don’t answer. But Cody responds – and does quite well I have to admit – telling a guy that is nervous around the beautiful woman that he should just be himself. And that everyone, is your lesson for today. Just be yourself and your crush will fall madly in love with you. Also, unicorns are real.
Cody is moved by all this love lettering and lays it all on the line with Andi telling her how much he likes being around her. He thinks she’s great and is appreciative of this date. He actually gets pretty emotional in his confessional, and I’m starting to think I may have had Cody all wrong. I still want to fix his hair, but we can work on that later.
Time for dinner and I really can’t handle Cody’s plunging v-neck. Dudes shouldn’t have that much cleavage. Also distracting is the fact that Andi’s pants are flesh-colored. I was pretty sure either she forgot pants or I had too much to drink for a second there. Well, the latter might be true, regardless. Also, has anyone else noticed that all the guys drink white wine? What’s up with that? Are they afraid of the red staining their overly white teeth? I need to know, people. I need to know.
Anyway, Cody showed up with a letter he wrote after being inspired by their visit today. It’s to Juliet, whom he tells he has met a wonderful girl with whom he hopes he will be able to write his own love story. Okay, not gonna lie, little Cody is surprising me with how emotionally vulnerable he is. Seriously, who knew this was all wrapped up in those bulging biceps? However, the more he goes on about his feelings – and it’s coming at a rapid fire pace now – the more Andi seems to be pained. Methinks our Romeo is about to get his dose of poison. Oh I just want to tell him to stop talking. Please please please pump the brakes, dude! I know it’s been bottled up for 6 weeks, but you need to realize you’ve lost your audience.
Thankfully, she cuts him off. That was hard for me to hear and I’m not at the table with him. She tells him that they have a friendship, but she doesn’t know if there’s potential for romance. He makes her feel amazing and appreciated, but it’s not there. For her. So, she can’t, in good conscience, take him to next week. He takes it like a man and knows that you can’t always get what you want in life. Man, just when I find a new respect for the guy, she kicks him to the curb. But let’s be honest, he should have been gone weeks ago.
Cut to Cody’s luggage being snatched from the hotel. And then tears… lots of tears from Andi and from Cody and from me because I’m sad for Andi’s vajayjay after seeing the camel toe those leather pants are giving her. Let your lady parts breathe before you find yourself needing some antibiotics. Damn.
Douche On The Rocks
Oh very dramatic music setting up this cocktail party. I assume some serious jockeying will be going down tonight. Hey, liking the sparkles on Andi’s dress tonight. I approve.
The second she walks in to greet the guys, Nick jumps in and steals her away. Marcus isn’t surprised. Chris says it was a jackass move. Josh says he’s playing the game and they all need to step it up. Yeah, well while you all sit around bitching and moaning, Nick is getting his lip on. And we’re getting a whole helping of side boob out here in TV Land. Andi’s impressed, even if the guys are not.
Meanwhile, Penis Hands is urged by the other guys to go interrupt them and get himself some time, which he does. That leaves Nick to have to go back and face the firing squad. He learns that the men are displeased with his behavior, but he’s not going to apologize. He’s not interested in fairness. He’s interested in Andi. Chris lets him know he’s arrogant. Apparently, Nick has not learned much from last week.
JJ and Marcus and Brian get their time with Andi, while Josh paces around like a caged tiger. He’s not feeling confident about their last conversation. It’s not helpful that, when he does get his time, Andi says she felt confused by their talk. She doesn’t know if she can win with him sometimes. Do you have to always win? I’m not sure how well this is going, but he insists he is not going to break her heart. I’m 50/50 on him getting a rose tonight.
Ack, time for another therapy session with Chris Harrison. I forgot he was even on this show anymore. He is almost non-existent this season. Chris tells Andi that he likes that she didn’t read the lie detector tests. Oh bullshit. I know it’s his job to agree with everything the bachelorette does, but she should have read those results. I want to read the damn results! Andi’s tired and she’s trying and she’s nervous… and blah blah blah. Can we get on with it?????
Here we go. Rose in hand, waiting to be rolled down the aisle like a bowling ball. Why does she hold it like that?
Has a rose: Nick and Chris
Gets a rose: Penis Hands (Dylan), Brian, Marcus, Josh
Already gone: Cody
Going home: JJ
What is this girl doing???? Well, she is making her bed and she can lie in it with whatever insanely boring guy she chooses from this crew. I mean seriously a crew of snoozers left. Well, minus Chris. Apparently, she wants to have a vanilla life. Fair enough. Don’t worry, JJ. You will not be single for long. There are a lot of ladies that would like to be Mrs. Pantsapreneur.
Rachel: Okay, I seriously want to know what the lie detector tests said.