The Bachelorette Season 10, Episode 5: Arrêtez!

PLAY THE “BACHELORETTE DRINKING GAME: ANDI EDITION” – CLICK HERE FOR THE RULES.

One Sentence Summary: The crew heads oversees to find love in French.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  Not gonna lie. This has been written since last Monday and waiting for some love from me to finish it up. Just. Didn’t. Happen. You’d think spending a weekend with the other Winey Bitch would have inspired us to catch up, but the only thing we caught up on was our alcohol consumption. Whoops. But here it is… quickly… in time for tonight’s episode. You know, in case you need it.

Merde

Rachel: Oh right, these fuckers get to go to France. I’m seriously très jaloux. I mean those baguettes! That cheese! That… everything! I need to get me to Marseilles. It seems like a place I should go. Again, Cougar Bachelorette could make that dream come true. Make it happen people. I’m just a few hundred gym visits away from being hot tub ready.

Anyway, the boys show up to their hotel and it’s redunk. Once again, they jump around like 10-year-olds let loose in a candy shop until a date card shows up and they’re reminded as to why they’re there. Oh yeah, Andi…

Tonight’s first date card goes to Josh, but we’re not rushing out on the date just yet. We have to first have a moment with Chris and Andi. And here I thought we had gotten lucky and skipped out on deep thoughts this week. He’s just checking in and wants to know if she’s falling in love yet. She says… wait for it… wait for it… Stoooopppp. Who would have ever expected that? But yes, she is falling in love. It just happens to be with more than one person.

Now Josh can go on the infamous “Let’s walk around and pretend everything that happens is spontaneous and born out of love” date, which leads to the equally as infamous “Let’s get on a boat and cruise around” date. Andi is nervous today, because Josh is the typical athlete guy she always dates. She tells him this and he promises her that he’s not like that. He also says he wouldn’t want to play professional sports again, because he wants to settle down and have a family, which is why he quit playing in the first place. If this guy is for real, someone should clone him immediately.

They climb up on a rock and talk about traveling. She’d like to backpack Europe and so would he. She could say she’d like to clean outhouses in the Gobi desert at high noon, and he’d be like, yeah, that’d be AWESOME! Take it down a notch, friend. The hyper puppy routine is killing my buzz.

For the evening portion of events, they are having dinner in a castle. Andi hopes they can get deep tonight, and not just with the tongues down each others throats. She’s worried that he may just be looks and perma-grin. When they start to talk about cheating in relationships and how she has been cheated on by guys like him, things start to get deep… ish. He knew she was judging him from the beginning, and she’s not the only one who has done it.

He dated a girl while he was playing and she kept hearing form her friends about how athletes cheat. So, she ended up cheating on him. Well, that’s some interesting math. But, this is why it’s hard for him to trust people. The last girlfriend he had was great, but it wasn’t marriage love. Meanwhile, he’s leaning so hard that I’m convinced he’s going to face plant right into Andi’s chest… Oh that might be the plan. Regardless, she’s eating it all up, and he gets the rose, because he got her to let her guard down.

And for the 4th time this season, it’s a private concert. This time it’s with Ben Fields. Wow, the producers aren’t even trying anymore. I’m pretty sure that’s Andrew’s doppelganger singing. Well, if Andrew and Lyle Lovett had a love child and they had a doppelganger. Anyway, there’s dancing and talk of falling in love.

By the way, we keep talking about what Josh did… play sports. What does Josh do now? Is anyone else curious? Oh, and Andi is nervous they’re relationship is all physical. Ya think?

Mums The Word

Group date card time: Marcus, Drew, Chris, Cody, JJ, Marquel, Nick, Patrick, and Andrew all get the call. The date card, however, is as blank as their minds, as they try to figure out what that means. I really want Patrick to get a one-on-one date. He needs some shine time.

But before the guys head out, they are back at home talking about the two-on-one date. Do they do those anymore? That, they need to bring back.  They want to see Andrew on that date. Seems he hasn’t recovered his rep since the hostess/number situation. Nick & JJ tell Marquel that, at the first rose ceremony… Oh lord, I know where this is going… Andrew said, “Wow, she gave the rose to the blackies.” JJ admits to us, not Marquel, that it might have been black guy not “blackie”, but is that better? Really? And need I tell you how Marquel feels about it? He’s pretty hurt, and I don’t blame him. He hates having people only see the color of his skin. Aw, I want to hug him. I hate it too, Marquel.

And now that we’ve stirred the pot for drama, let’s go on a group date! Oh JJ and the pants… Are people actually buying these? Anyway, it’s another “fun date” planned for Andi and the guys. Is it a rule that at least one Bachelor has to be wearing red shorts at all times? Since Sean started with it, it’s been non-stop. Today, it’s Chris.

But I feel I’ve said too much as I am now in the presence of a mime. Well, not I’m not exactly, but Andi and her boys are. Chris has no idea what a mime does. Dylan is slightly closer when he says they use their hands to do acitivies. Well, alrighty then. The Genius Squad has arrived. They learn some moves and spend time practicing, when it’s sprung on them that they’re not just going to mime in private. That’s right! They’re going to mime in public! I did not see that coming. Because no other group date has ever lead to public humiliation…

I am amazed that there is an unending supply of men willing to make total jack-asses out of themselves in the name of love. How come I never meet these guys? I’m actually horrified for them right now. This is more embarrassing than the stripping, and that’s saying something. But everyone is making their best effort… everyone except for Nick. He’s sulking. It’s not natural for him and he’s not going to pretend it is. Andi says she gets it, but you’re on the date, so make the most of it. Kick his bitch ass to the curb, I say.

Time for the cocktails and Andi has decided to wear her Skating With The Stars outfit tonight. JJ grabs her first and takes her for a ferris wheel ride. That’s pretty cute. They smooch among the stars, while the left-behinds talk about how the game is changing as feelings are developing. Cody thinks Nick feels like he is better than everyone else. Nick says he is confident in his feelings, and doesn’t get why anyone cares what he’s thinking. Patrick calls him smug, and he is a bit. He does think he’s the frontrunner, after all.

With that, Andi walks back in and senses the tension. She takes Chris aside and asks him what’s going on. He is feeling awkward about gossiping, but tells her there are difficult conversations happening and that Nick isn’t handling things well. As he dances around the subject, Cody & Nick start going at it in the next room…. which is amazingly Andi won’t hear since every other bachelorette/bachelor has magically missed all the drama, as well. I guess Nick called Cody “Mr. Lucky”… which he is… and he didn’t like it. For what it’s worth, Nick apologizes, though no one, least of all Cody, seems to notice. Andi tries to get it out of Chris, who is too nice to fully rat out Nick. I’m glad Andi didn’t push him too hard.

Beside Cody’s up next and he’s still hot under the collar so he’s probably going to spew like Vesuvius. Yep, there he goes.. telling Andi that Nick is making fun of him for being thankful. So, now Andi has to confront Nick. She says he’s salty on group dates. Wait, do people still say “salty”? So he wasn’t sulky, he was salty. I had no idea that was still a thing. Neato.

Nick says it’s hard for him. It’s hard for her too. I’m thinking probably a little less hard for you, dear. She says she feels something going on in the room and would like to talk about it. If she were his wife, he’d tell her. Oh, that’s a new one. Haven’t heard a bachelorette play that card before. Tip o’ the hat, Andi. Nick admits he was mocking Cody. He also admits it was wrong, but they all tease each other. She wonders if he’s downplaying it and if she’s getting fooled. Lest you think she’s ready to pull the ripcord, he whips out a love letter and she’s right back in there. And there’s kissing. And there’s also kissing Marcus. Not at the same time.

As if there wasn’t enough tension, it’s time for Marquel to address Andrew in front of everyone, though he doesn’t want them to chime in. Then, um, why don’t you pull him aside? Andrew laughs at the thought of him being racist. He says that he would never say that. Marquel isn’t hearing it. Andrew says he treats everyone with equal respect and doesn’t understand why someone would make that statement. Marquel doesn’t know who’s telling the truth, but he spoke his peace and that’s it. We shall see…

Andrew gets his time next, and he’s not sure why he’s being attacked by everyone. He tells her what went down with Marquel, and it makes him question whether he should even be there. The drama stinks, and he’s not here for bullshit. He thinks this drama overshadows his ability to form a relationship with her. She doesn’t disagree. Hmmm, Andrew may have seen his last moments on the show.

Well, this should be a fun date rose. Andi says that this rose is for the person that made her feel special tonight, and it goes to JJ. Woo, Team JJ! I’m all in for JJ. Nick sulks again. Sorry, is getting salty again.

No Heat In The Kitchen

Andi heads out with Brian on their one-on-one date. He’s so pumped. Better than being salty. I think. They wander into their own private movie theater and watch “The 100 Foot Journey”, which they showed a preview for but I was fast-forwarding through the commercials so I can’t help you with any details. But it’s in France and it’s about food, so I’m all about it. Oh God, here come the allegories between recipes and love. I’m already getting a toothache.

After the movie, they go to the local market and shop for food. Man, I would love to be there right now. Well, up until the sea urchin moment. Been there, done that, hated it. No on the urchin for them as well, but apparently yes on the frog’s legs. Good thing they didn’t just watch the Muppets.

Andi & Brian get in the kitchen, and there is no heat. See, I can make bad recipe/love puns too. He doesn’t like to cook, and apparently he doesn’t like to talk either. Andi is wondering what happened to his personality. Makes two of us, though I wasn’t as convinced of there being one in the first place.

Needless to say, dinner is a flop. Completely. So they go out for a real dinner instead, and he realizes he missed a few opportunities to make some moves back in the kitchen. He says he loved the movie and the shopping… and he didn’t seize the moment. Dude, that would be twice in a row. Not hot. Is he going to take her back to the kitchen and kiss her? I don’t know, but he goes in for the kiss here at the second dinner. Really? I’m so over this guy. But nothing like a good kiss to make Andi forget everything, so he gets the rose. Why? Why? Whyyyy? And yep, he took her back to the kitchen to kiss her again. I mean come on.

No Cocktail For You!

Time for the cocktail party and another pageant dress, though this one isn’t terrible. I’m a sucker for a navy dress. Oh sorry, first we have another heart-to-heart with Chris. She says that she doesn’t need a cocktail party and is ready to cut bait on 3 guys. Hmm… Cody, Marquel… and Andrew? Patrick? I can’t decide on the third.

Chris breaks the news and the guys are buuuummed. Well, the guys without roses, anyway.  So, it’s off to the rose ceremony we go…

Has a rose: Josh, JJ and Brian

Gets a rose:  Marcus, Nick, Chris, Dylan, Cody {{{{ WHAT???? }}}}

Going home: Patrick, Marquel, Andrew

What the what the what???? I am so not understanding Cody. The hair that’s too small for his head, the too deep v-necks… Just no. Patrick needs a do over. He and Carl can both be on the Cougar Bachelorette. Rough week for Marquel. He wonders if he’s special. Aw, you are special. You can be on Cougar Bachelorette too!

Next on the docket for the remaining milquetoast men… Venice.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Well, at least JJ is still around. Don’t I say that every week?

 

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One response to “The Bachelorette Season 10, Episode 5: Arrêtez!

  1. Yipes. Okay I write my comment here even though I’ve already watched the Venice episode. No spoiler alerts needed; won’t spew the news. Anyway, I’m still creeped out by Julia Louise-Dreyfus’, I mean Andi’s arm/hand deportment. It’s that whole praying mantis gone bowling thing I guess. Anyone notice she always walks that way too, and that during the rose ceremony she face looks as if she is near a latrine (all crinkled up in some sort of painful trial), and she eerily develops duck lips. Just saying. Check it out. Sorry for the tangents: getting back to this episode. You made me laugh so hard about Cody’s hair being too small for his head. Does anyone American-born like frog’s legs? Don’t tell me it tastes like chicken. I’ve been too chicken and grossed out at the thought if eating amphibian reptile to ever try it. I’ve also wondered what the hell Josh does for a living now. We’ve figured out by now that Andrew is an all out tool. But WHY oh WHY does Andi keep Nick around? Puhleeze! And seriously, I agree; Who the fuck says “salty” anymore? And over a dozen times no less? How ’bout adjectives such as “passive aggressive”, “wet blanket”, “stick in the mud”, or potential phoney who is not on the show for the right reason? How come Bravo, we have to sit through a date of sitting through a movie? It’s so phoney with the, “oh I loved that movie… It effing spoke to me…” blah blah. I hate it when product placement commandeers one-third of a show. I thought that was what commercial breaks were for. I can’t figure out what Andi’s type is. Narcissistic douche bags? I’ll say one thing; one of the men who survived the rose ceremony seems to have had to in order to make asinine annoying subplots to work. LAME.

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