One Sentence Summary: The ladies spend a lot of time getting ready.
Rachel: Seeing as how I am about as exhausted by the Housewives as a person could be, I was skeptical about this new iteration. Even if they don’t technically call them Housewives, it’s the same damn thing. So, to that end, I was not looking forward to watching. However, by the same token, these are all new women so perhaps some fresh faces will renew my love of watching bitchy women be bitchy. And this time they’ll insult each other with lovely British accents!
Here are my opening thoughts on each lady:
Caroline – Miss perfection. Oh yeah, she is going to get on my nerves. So are those crazy overblown lips. Back away from the needle lady.
Caprice – I like her. I like that she’s got a hot boyfriend that I can ogle from afar. Wait, she’s only 39? Really? Then I don’t feel so bad saying I’m 30.
Annabelle – I think she’s going to make me wince a lot, but I think I’m going to like her. She’s a younger, hipper Lisa Vanderpump and I’m all good with that.
Noelle – Not sure I’m going to like her. My gut is shouting gold digger. Caprice says she’s not. Will remain to be seen.
Marissa – Well, you’d have fun if you were friends with her… if you like going to clubs. She seems okay. Sweet. Harmless. She’s going to get devoured by these women.
Juliet – Oh the ol’ ad biz. I seriously get the shakes thinking about those days, so hopefully her husband will be mostly in the background. I have a feeling she’s going to be all the things Ugly American. Oh, how I hate when people perpetuate that reputation.
Let’s see what they get into tonight…
Rachel: We start with Juliet at home talking about how she’s a more hands-on mom than British moms. You know, because that’s how American moms are. So, basically we’re going to spend the entire series comparing Americans to Brits and vice-versa. That will get old. Fast. Oh look, it’s already old. What else ya got for me?
Marissa is at her restaurant, Bumpkin, and we watch her work. I guess this is how American women work in the UK. Juliet meets her for lunch and they talk about how Americans have more fun than Brits. You know, because the Brits are too cool to have fun. I think they’re too cool to hoot and holler. That’s different.
So that’s two scenes of Americans vs. Brits. We going for three? Noelle meets her boyfriend, Scot, for some lunch and divorce talk. His ex has run out of funding so they are adjourning for the second time, which delays their being able to get married. Apparently, the ex has spent $4MM in the courts trying to squeeze him for his money. So now she’s looking for $2MM more to keep fighting. That’s insane. If you haven’t found the pot of gold yet, I’m thinking it doesn’t exist. Or that it’s hidden so well, you’re never going to find it, which might as well be the same as it not existing. I’m also thinking $6MM for a divorce is insane.
Anyway, she’s found a few flats for her. He thinks she should find a few flats for them. She thinks they should wait until after the divorce is final to move in together. He says it will be over in October so why not just do it now. She reluctantly agrees and they seal the deal with a fist bump. You might want to seal it with a contract.
Oh, hello Ty, Caprice’s cutie boyfriend. They’re just hanging out and listening to the baby’s heartbeat. This is a miracle baby for them because she had been told she couldn’t carry a baby to term, so they went down the surrogacy road. Like all the way down. Then she got pregnant on her own, which for those doing math at home, means she’s having two babies. I’d die. No really, I think I’d die. So yeah, Caprice will have a newborn at home when she’s 8 months pregnant. Have I mentioned that I’d die? I’d have to be seriously medicated, and I mean more than my normal wine buzz.
Holy house, Caroline! That place is insane. Wait, how many kids are running around there? A dozen? Oh, just three. Feels like a dozen. I think I’m on kid overload. Oh how fancy, she has a driver take her kids to school. And when she found out that she was having twins, she told her housekeeper that she was having twins… and by “she”, I mean the housekeeper. As in, I’m just birthing these things and naming them. You get to raise them. Shit, that’s how I’d do it, if I
had kids… which is also why I didn’t have kids. Well, that and the whole life partner business.
She tells her husband that the American ladies are very American, but she likes them. She’s more like them than the reserved Brits. Well, that’s surprising. I was sure she’d be the least amused. I love that her husband gives her crap about complaining about how hard it all is what with a make-up artist and a housekeeper. And I like that she likes that her husband keeps her in her place. Hmm…. I just might like this chick after all.
Back to Caprice who is Skyping with her mom about the lows of pregnancy. Mom isn’t shy about telling her how much the last couple months just suck. Yeah, and add a newborn crying in the middle of the night into the mix and you have a whole new level of suck. That’s gonna be a good time. Caprice tells her mom that a story about the two babies will be in the press tomorrow. She gave an interview because she wants to get the truth out before the media has time to make up lies. Smart, but some of them will probably still lie anyway.
Noelle and her boyfriend whose name I can’t freaking remember are looking at flats. Ah yes, it’s Scot. Wow, London rent makes New York rent look downright affordable. Noelle isn’t feeling this one. She also isn’t feeling the fact that there are no more tickets available for the Serpentine Summer Party. Scot said he did everything he could to get them, but it’s sold out. Now, where will Noelle wear her new Carolina Herrera dress? Maybe you should have shopped for the tickets before you shopped for the dress? She thinks they didn’t get tickets because of the scandal, so she calls Marissa hoping for a favor. Marissa will ask on their behalf, but methinks if you weren’t on the invite list in the first place, you weren’t for a reason.
Well this is a first… Caroline is getting her toes done at work while she holds a meeting. Um, really? Because you don’t have enough free time, what with everyone taking care of everything else for you? Seriously though, who wants to sit and discuss work while their boss’s toes get filed? Not me. She is shown the paper with Caprice’s story. She’s shocked to see it on the cover of the paper even though she knew the story already. She would never sell a story… Yes, you should be pointing fingers of judgement.
Meanwhile, Juliet is also catching the news and sharing it with Marissa. Juliet also thinks it’s gross to have your babies in the news before they’re born. And then there’s Marissa who wonders out loud if Caprice knew about the surrogate. Oh, sweet thing. You’re not that bright are you?
Oh yeah, Annabelle. Almost forgot about my friend. She has run to the newsstand to read the news and is on the phone with Caprice. She also wouldn’t give the press a story. Well, aren’t you all saints? Caprice says she is thrilled with the story and glad to get it out there. So, if she’s happy, who cares what anyone else thinks.
Caprice continues her media blitz at The Sun. The journalist shows her all the press that picked up their story about Caprice. She made the cover over the Dutchess of Cambridge. So, there’s that.
Noelle is getting her hair done for the Serpentine Summer Party, even though she still doesn’t have tickets. So this is wishful hair dressing? Caroline is also getting done up, but she’s actually invited. However, she’s not in the mood for the Caprice show. Hmm, jealousy? And now, we’re getting ready with Caprice and Marissa. Are we going to hear how Brits vs. Americans get ready for a party? Oh, I am so not feeling that dress, Marissa. I’m hoping that color just isn’t translating on TV.
Back at the hair salon, Noelle gets the bad news from Scot. No tickets. But hey, they’ll still go to Marissa’s for drinks. I mean she bought a dress for the occasion. Noelle wants to walk the red carpet so she & Scot can have their picture taken for something positive, instead of something about his divorce. You want some positive press? How about do some charity work?
They head off to Marissa’s for drinks and hopefully good news about tickets. None such. Marissa struck out as well. Noelle doesn’t take the news well. Scot, on the other hand, is gracious and thankful for the effort. But not all is lost. Caroline shows up with her husband’s ticket. She offers it and I think expects them to decline since there’s only one extra. Uh no, Noelle is very clear that she is taking it and Scot is going home alone.
Juliet shows up and she thinks it’s weird that Scot is there “lingering in the background”. Um, first of all, you nitwit, he’s her fiancé. Of course he’s going to be around. Second of all, he’s not lingering in the background. He’s sitting with everyone at the 4-person party. And finally, did you just actually call him a lurker to his face? You did, didn’t you? Yeah, can’t stand her.
Caprice arrives in a pick dress with green lamé beetles… or are they cockroaches… all over it. Please make this bug fad go away. It’s bad. Really really bad. Please don’t tell me there are no ideas left in fashion so we’re wearing bugs. Annabella finally shows up just in time to down a glass of champers and head out.
The girls leave and poor Scot is left behind like a chump. Why do men put up with shit like this? Look, I’m not saying it’s wrong she went to the party. It’s just how she went about it. I don’t dig entitlement complex in any way. I also get how frustrated she must be that her fiancé can’t get a divorce, but unless he really is hiding $4B under the mattress, that’s not his fault. Why punish him for it?
Finally, The Serpentine Summer Party is upon us. There are quite a few names on the carpet. Some of the girls love the paparazzi and some not so much, but Noelle is thrilled to be on the red carpet alone. This way she can get press for her business… which I’m thinking is actually for her.
Rachel: I’m going to assume this is going to get more interesting as the stories develop… right? Please? I’m barely keeping my eyes open.