PLAY THE “BACHELORETTE DRINKING GAME: ANDI EDITION” – CLICK HERE FOR THE RULES.
One Sentence Summary: Boyz II Men show the guys how real smooth works.
Rachel: Not gonna lie. I’m seriously exhausted, so I cannot promise the world’s most enlightened write-up. Well, not that it’s really ever all that enlightened, let’s be honest. But dammit if I don’t try. Well, that’s not true either. I don’t really try. Well, I do try to be funny and entertaining. That is true. But enlightenment, well if that’s what you were looking for I doubt you’d have ended up here anyway. But we do have drinking! And we even have organized drinking! Clearly that shows an incredible amount of dedication. So don’t forget to check-out the Andi Edition of the Bachelorette Drinking Game. Link above.
Melissa: OK, I’m back… last week was a bit of a cluster. Unfortunately, the day job kept me from seeing abc’s PG-version of Magic Mike So, since I missed that, I am now missing chilling by the fire pit with my family and inhaling s’mores like my life depends on it, while tossing back some yummy Pinot. Ah, the sacrifices one makes… Oh, who am I kidding? My glass is right next to the remote control and I’ve texted the hubs to bring me a s’more stat.
Hiking The Andis
Rachel: Oh look, Andi’s going to Santa Barbara and staying at the Bacara Resort. That’s only one of the nicest resorts in the country. Rough life being the bachelorette. When oh when are they going to do the Cougar Bachelorette and when oh when are they casting me in the role? Anyway, as Andi heads on up to Santa Barbara, Chris, in a jacket that’s about two sizes too small for him, tells the guys that they will be headed up the coast this week for their dates.
Who’s traveling first? That would be Nick.
Yep, Nick gets tonight’s first one-on-one date and meets Andi on the wharf in Santa Barbara. They’re starting off with a bike ride around town, which is great because this is totally something they’d do in real life says Andi. Riding a bike, yes. Having streets already blocked off so you don’t have to worry about traffic, no. Yeah, just like real life. But, let’s keep going…
Oh first we have to stop back at the house and listen in as the guys discuss whether or not Nick will get a rose. They have given him a 50/50 chance at coming home. Nick is a skeptic while the rest of them are optimists. Is that so? At least Andrew and Marcus – and Marcus’s very distracting chest hair – think so. Seriously though, does Marcus comb that shit out? It confuses me.
Back on the date, Nick The Negator and Andi go hiking. He seems like he’s happy to be there to me, though he does voice his skepticism about the process to Andi. She knows it’s a risk, but thinks he should just say what he feels. And he should be skeptical, let’s be honest. I do love that he says has a crush on Andi and that he’s a little awkward. A crush seems fully appropriate unlike those that are talking about love already. Looking at you (and your chest hair) Marcus.
Melissa: So the crew is off to Santa Barbara, which is more romantic for Andi and her would-be suitors. If this is romantic, she’s not going to know what to do with herself when she hops the pond.
Did Nick just say he’s not desperate for love? Um, isn’t that why folks go on the show? Well that and their shot at 15 minutes of fame and hopes for their own show.
Meanwhile, this conversation about whether Nick believes in the process is the most un-guy-like conversation ever. Are you kidding me? Is this a Playtex ad?
So it’s a biking and hiking date, which is cool, I guess, if that’s what she really likes to do. Oh, I didn’t notice the wine… now, this could be my kind of date. I often wonder just how much input they get for their dates or the producers just have a big fish bowl with random notes on it that they draw at the beginning of the week to decide what they’ll do.
Rachel: Dinner tonight will be at the Santa Barbara courthouse. That’s quite the location. I approve. Andi wants to know how Nick is still single; especially when he says most of his close friends are married. He says he was in a 7.5-year relationship, then ran straight into another relationship, which he now thinks was to get over the previous one. Ya think? He was engaged to the rebound… for a minute. But he learned a lot and Andi likes that he’s so open about that.
Is it just me or are the guys smarter this season? And I realize that’s not the highest bar ever set, but I mean these conversations actually have some depth and are kinda interesting. I haven’t heard one inane conversation about how many kids they want to have and how they want what their parents have – not that there’s anything wrong with it – but it’s become so canned on this show that it’s nausea inducing. This actually feels more genuine. Must be for Andi too, because she gives Nick the rose. They do some rooftop making out, and the lip train has officially left the station.
Melissa: So over dinner, Andi wants to get to know Nick better… didn’t they just spend the day together? Did they not talk? Yikes, it’s the how are you still single conversation. Um, I’m thinking it’s the same way you are still single my dear.
I still don’t know how you sit with food in front of you and not eat it…
Shhh Baby, Don’t Sing
Rachel: Time for the Group Date card: Brian, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brett, Ron, Bradley, Josh, Eric, Andrew, Patrick and Marcus are the lucky winners this week. So no Dylan, Chris or JJ. Hold up, didn’t ever notice that Josh has tats on the back of his arms. Herro! And please stop sulking Marcus about going on a group date. You signed up for this nonsense.
The guys head on up the coast and meet Andi at the Music Academy Of The West. Man, I really want to mess up Patrick’s hair. He’d be so much cuter without the hair helmet. Anywho, they head inside where Boyz II Men are on stage singing and hilariously not acknowledging any of the guys as they clap, and shout, and ooh and ahh. Eric says he touched his first butt to Boyz II Men in 7th grade. Hilarious… and then, so sad. SMH… dammit. DAMMIT, ERIC!
Today they will all be singing “I’ll Make Love To You”, which Bradley takes as his cue to start belting out the operatic version of the song. Take it down a notch, Figaro.
Rehearsals start and the guys aren’t exactly lighting up the joint. Bradley and Tasos are the only ones managing not to make dogs all over the neighborhood howl in pain. As for Andi, I’ll say this: She’s as good a singer as she is a dancer. Honestly, if Bradley would relax a bit and not make this out to be like he’s rehearsing for a night at The Met, he might actually be kinda cool.
They will be singing the song tonight, in public, and terrorizing a lot of people that paid good money to hear Boyz II Men sing this song. Oh, it’s a Bachelorette-sanctioned event. These people are here for free so they get what they deserve on this one. The singing begins and Bradley opens it up, giving everyone false hope. One-by-one, guys give Andi their best solo. Aw, Eric is kinda good. And I give the ones that are really terrible more credit for going for it and making it a good time. I’m actually finding myself smiling… and it’s not just the wine for a change. Boyz II Men are pretty damn funny themselves.
Melissa: I swear if Phantom of the Opera is going to sing the scales all day, I’m turning the television off. I mean it!! Don’t tempt me, Bradley!
I’m not gonna lie, I’m a huge fan of Boys II Men. (Temple boys don’t ya know.) Though it was a bit of a dagger to the ego hearing these guys talk about listening to them in 7th grade… OUCH!! Let’s just pretend I was CLOSE to 7th grade when I heard them. Someone needs to please tell Phantom to pipe down because I’m about done with him and his singing. I’ll happily listen to the tone-deaf boys instead of his over the top destruction of Boys II Men lyrics. Someone needs to give him a gong and move on to the rest of the boys.
Rachel: Cocktail time. Cody needs more hair on his head. Seriously, he’s got to let some of that grow out. It’s like he’s wearing a kid’s wig on his head. Doesn’t work. This is my big thought for the night. Probably the week. But he gets the first one-on-one time, so I can’t help but notice this. She asks Cody about chatter in the house that she’s heard, which is that he has a girlfriend. Wait, I didn’t hear this. He says he’s been single for 3 and a half years. Turns out she just fucking with him. Nice. I will give her that one.
Eric is having some insecurity about being on the group date after having the solo date. He wonders if it’s weird for them specifically or if just the whole thing’s weird. The whole thing is weird. Trust me. Andi tells him the same as she proceeds to cycle through the guys.
Marcus is getting jealous, so he makes his move and is hoping to get a first kiss tonight. Well, first for him. She’s more than willing to help him out. He says he feels a connection and is pretty sure he’s getting the date rose. But first, she has to hang with Josh. Here’s hoping he doesn’t put his hand over her face again. That was just weird. I just can’t get a beat on this guy. I can’t figure out if he’s sincere. That much insecurity and vulnerability generally doesn’t come from an athlete who looks like he looks, so he is still a question mark in my mind. He is not so much one in Ali’s because he gets the rose tonight. Marcus is displeased, but he knows she and Josh don’t have what he has with her. Um, okay, Crazy. Been a half a minute so maybe take a deep breath and pump the love brakes.
Melissa: Are you kidding that she’s going to try to set Cody up with the girlfriend story? Wow, he took that a hell of a lot better than I would have. Clearly I’ve missed an inside joke or something.
I hate that I really like Eric. This is so hard to watch. I really wish they had gone and pulled his segments out so we don’t completely fall for him… because let’s face it, he’s one of my front-runners.
No Botox Needed
Rachel: The next date card arrives and it’s for JJ. Dylan is bummed because he apparently has a long story to tell Andi. Personally, I’m excited it’s JJ, since I’ve never been on a date with a pantsapreneur before. Whatever are we going to do???
Okay, he’s pretty cute this guy. And tall. But the pants are killing me, which is a problem being that this is his “craft”. On today’s date, they are going to grow old together. Yes, that’s right. They’re getting hair and make-up to make themselves look old so they can roll around town on their 50th wedding anniversary. I would think this is utterly ridiculous if it wasn’t so damn funny. Maybe the exhaustion has messed with my normal levels of bitterness, but this is funny shit.
They walk around a park asking people to take pictures of them, and cruise the city in hoverounds. When JJ started doing cartwheels in the park, I think I fell a little bit in love with him. I think Andi might be right there with me. No, he did not just pull a Werther’s out of his pocket! Genius. The day ends with a ride on the carousel and kisses. Okay, two thumbs up for this date… as silly as it is.
Back at home, Ron gets a phone call and it seems pretty serious. Next we see him, he’s packing. That’s not good. He comes downstairs and tells the guys that a close friend passed away so he isn’t in the right space to be there. Sad. Take care, Ron. We hardly knew ye.
Melissa: Let me get this straight, the idea is to fast forward 50 years so they can have an old person date? I’ve got to agree that JJ looks like a creepy old man. They also aren’t very good old people. What’s with the crazy hunching over JJ? I do like them riding off into the sunset on their rascals though.
OK, so we just found out Ron’s friend passed away. Wow, this is just a sad season!! He’s not even going to say good-bye to Andi? Thoughts are with you my dear.
Back to the old people having butterscotches together. Here’s a question… why do they have to be wearing floods? Don’t you get shorter when you age?
Rachel: Time for dinner and they get to come as their real selves. Okay he’s damn cute. Shiny, but cute. Do they not have a make-up person on this set? Buff puff a dude, would ya? He says he’s a quirky guy and feels a bit nervous being the full quirky that he is. He admits to being a dork growing up and was even pulled out of public school, because he functioned better in private school. He worries about a girl like her not accepting a guy like him. I fully dig him. Let your freak flag fly, dude! Dorks of the world should watch this. JJ is proof that it does get better and chicks will dig your goodness. Andi had fun with him and loves that he embraces his uniqueness, so he gets the date rose. And a kiss.
Back at home, Dylan is still wishing he had some time with Andi to tell her his story. Wait, what is Dylan’s story? He says, that four years ago, his sister passed away from a drug overdoes. His brother was very close to their sister and started doing drugs after she died as a way to cope. Subsequently, he ended up dying from an overdose as well. Holy shit. HOLY SHIT. How tragic. I want to hug him and his parents. And Eric’s parents. And Ron. Not taking it easy on us this season, are ya abc?
Melissa: What no dinner in their old people make-up? Did he just thank her for the thought SHE put into their date? Does he really think she came up with that idea? I will give her credit for having normal conversations though. JJ seems sweet enough, but I swear I just glimpsed some serious crazy-eye for a second there. Hmmm, is he one bad date away from banana town?
And now we have Dylan’s story. Geez, can we catch a break here from all the death and sad stories?
Rachel: Andi comes into the cocktail party and tells the guys she knows about Ron and is very upset at the news. You know, because she cares about each and every one of them. Eric gets time with Andi and thanks her for the one-on-one date and realizes how lucky he was to have so much of time together. As they chat all things Boyz II Men, flowers show up for Andi. That makes it past security, but One-Lip Bukowski doesn’t. Love it. The flowers come with a letter from Nick, which makes her grin ear-to-ear… in front of Eric. That’s not cool. Clearly she doesn’t know what the future holds, but I do and it’s making me angry. BE NICE TO HIM ALWAYS.
But he got upstaged by flowers. And a note. From Nick. Who now gets the one-on-one time, even though he already has a rose. Gonna be some angry mens in the house. The flowers were his way of making an unnatural situation seem natural, since this is what he’d do in real life. Again, with the real life. Flowers, yes, that’s real life. Sending them while his girlfriend is spending time with one of her 17 other boyfriends, no. Alright, fine. I can’t be mad at him for that. Marry him now, Andi.
While Nick gets some lip, JJ gets real. He pulls Josh aside and tells him that he heard Andrew got a hostess’s number, during a group dinner, then proceeded to tell everyone in the car about it. Neither guy is happy about this and both think something needs to be done. This is what happens when you deprive men of ESPN. They must create their own “sport”. So, they take Andrew aside and confront him. They feel like it’s insulting to the process and disrespectful to Andi. I do love men that stand up for respect. There’s so little of it these days. So very very very very little. Very. Little. Like almost none…
Sorry, where were we? Right, Andrew doesn’t want to engage in this nonsense, which means he doesn’t want to admit to shit. With that, Andrew bails on the conversation. Not so fast, Bucko, the guys aren’t done with you yet. JJ and Josh follow him up the stairs shouting a lot of “dudes” and “like seriously-s”. They get nothing more than a door slamming in their faces.
While the guys powwow on what to do about Andrew, Marcus is talking to Andi about love at first sight and strong feelings. He slips her some tongue and then slips her a note. Did she just call him babe?
Andrew finally emerges and says the guys just see him as a threat. He is ready to tell his story and it’s that he was given a phone number. It was handed to him. He didn’t solicit it. He laughs in the face of confrontation, and by confrontation I mean the other guys. But he wishes them all luck. Sincerely. Ish.
Melissa: I would appreciate it if the boys stepped up the crazy a notch. This is far too tame a week if you ask me.
Look at Andi beaming while reading Nick’s note in front of Eric. Um, yeah sweetie… that’s not cool. Man, I seriously can’t watch scenes with him because I really like him. He’s completely adorbs and sweet!
Hang on now… Andrew scored digits from a waitress?? Look at JJ wanting to do right by Andi and the “process”. Is “the process” on the drinking game? It should be. It might be this season’s “not here for the right reason”. DAMN, they fully called him out and he just walked away. Like upstairs and closed the door behind him away.
Meanwhile Marcus is trying to score his ceremony rose with another lip lock and a note passed in the darkness? That’s cute. I guess the whole Boys II Men date sent him back to middle school passing notes… do you like me __ Yes or __ No.
OK, here we go with the Andrew drama. Anyone with eyes can read those facial expressions and methinks the gent doth protest too much. You LOOK guilty.
Rachel: Time for the roses.
Has a rose – Nick, Josh and JJ
Gets a rose – Marcus, Brian, Marquel, Tasos, Cody, Patrick, Chris, Eric, Dylan, Andrew
Already gone – Ron
Going home – Brett and Bradley
I think I was going to like Brett. Now, I’ll never know…
Aw, Bradley, don’t cry, boo. Don’t cry. You’ll be just fine. You seem like a sweet guy. Just back of the falsetto a bit.
Rachel: Still mad about Carl, but at least JJ sticks around another week.
Melissa: Oh that’s right… ANOTHER night of Andi and the boys tomorrow.