One Sentence Summary: The dates start and one bachelor can’t handle the pressure… or his liquor.
Rachel: Alright people, I am feeling rather confident that we’ve got a pretty good drinking game brewing here. Rules are being finalized and will be posted before the next episode, which it so happens is Sunday. The 90-minute premiere, it turns out, was a total fake-out. I really thought maybe they were going to respect our time this year. Nope. We have four solid hours of the Bachelorette this week. Snooze. I actually just yawned so hard at the thought of it that I may have popped my jaw out of joint. Not sure seeing as how the nice wine buzz I’ve got going is masking all manner of pain right now. So let’s get the first dates of the season started. I’m still Team JJ and Team Carl, though I know nothing about either. I want to be Team Eric, but well…. yeah. Alright, let’s get going… I have a jaw to reset.
Rachel: Dawn breaks and Ali fake applies her make-up over her professionally applied make-up, then makes her way around the property to feel the warm sun on her already made-up face and talk about how much fun this is going to be. She’s excited! So are we, Ali! Oh wait, that’s not true. We’re just buzzed. Eh, same thing.
Meanwhile, the men are also waking up to another glorious day in the frat house and anticipating the first date card. This anticipation is only made greater by the Bloody Marys that have already been poured. Andi, who? Oh right, that girl Chris Harrison keeps talking about. He also tells us that there will be two one-on-ones and a group date tonight. And in case you have never watched an episode before, Chris explains how this all works: get a rose, you stay. No rose, no stay. Capisce?
Life Is Cruel
Aaaaaaand the first date card goes to…. Eric. Oh for the love, of course it does. Bringing the pain early this week. He’s thrilled to be chosen fist. When he talks about this being the start of his fairy tale, I really just want to curl up into the fetal position and cry. This is going to be a loooong season.
Andi picks up her date and drives off as the 18 remaining men wave good-bye; half of whom are shirtless. You know, lest Andi forget what they were packing under their v-neck t-shirts.
As they head up PCH in her convertible, he tells her tales of his travels around the world. It sounds amazing and it make me even sadder that this light has been extinguished. Though, at the same time, I’m glad that he lived more life in 31 years than most do in a lifetime. And while I contemplate this cruel world, I also contemplate why Andi would not put her hair in a ponytail if she was going to ride with the top down.
Eric and Andi hit the beach, build sandcastles and fly a kite. As if the frolicking in the sand weren’t enough, a helicopter arrives. Damn, rocking the Wings Of Love already! They go from sand to snow as they land on top of Bear Mountain… still in bathing suits. They throw a few snowballs, but that’s not why they’re there, naturally. They’re going snowboarding. She’s not so much graceful on that board, but I kinda love that. Eric, is turns out, is a patient and kind teacher. Killing me here. I seriously am about to start bawling over the cruelty of it all.
After I use the commercial break to get my shit together, we begin the evening portion of events. They’re having dinner in a cabin and they actually eat! Full on bites of food. They talk about what they’re good at and Andi says she’s good at skiing but not stopping. She just “plummets” down. Ack, this is just not going to get less uncomfortable, is it? What is worse – can it be worse? – is that they actually have an interesting conversation about their actual lives and not the canned BS family talk we’ve heard over and over again. He talks about how scary Syria was and how he thought he was going to die. He even wrote a text to his parents saying “good-bye” to them. I’m seriously going to have a breakdown before the end of this date. Okay, more wine and more deep breathing (for me). Andi asks if he would take these risks if he had a wife and family. The answer is a quick no. His goal in life is to have a family and he’s ready. Finally. Daggers in my heart.
Andi gives him the rose and feels like this was the perfect first date. He gladly accepts it. The date continues with s’mores over a roaring fire. Okay, I’m not sure how much more of this I can take with sweet Eric. I think I need a time out to regroup.
Rachel: The next date card arrives. It’s the group date and Brian, Marquel, Bradley, Brett, Craig, Cody, Patrick, Carl, Tasos, Josh, Ron, Marcus, Nick S and Dylan are on the clock. That leaves JJ, Chris, Andrew and Nick V vying for the second one-on-one date.
As the lucky 14 head off for their adventure, Craig says he hopes Andi sees him in a good light because he loves her. Okay, Crazy. Remember when I said he should be bounced after getting out of the limo and wasting champagne? I’m pretty sure that was a solid call on my part. Wait, which guy is wearing hot pink sneakers? Ah, Nick the golfer. Bad facial hair, bad shoes. He can go too.
Andi takes the boys inside a theater where they are treated to a male striptease act. Yeah, we know where this is going. I guess if Andi had to get naked for Juan Pablo, these guys have to bare it all for love too… oh, love and charity. Forgive me. That makes it classier. Needless to say, the men will be performing today. Some are all in and some look like they’re ready to vomit.
Auditions begin and not everyone should be dancing in public. I’m including Marcus in that group, but Andi is totally mesmerized by this guy and gives him a solo routine. Well, I guess considering what she calls “moves”, I can’t be super surprised. She says that everyone just needs to have fun with this because it’s for a good cause. Yes, we get it, Andi. Fun is the theme this year. Stop it, already. Stop. You know what that word means.
Rehearsals begin and I’m laughing my ass off. These guys must feel like such fools. I’ve never quite found the male stripping thing sexy. I just think it’s so funny and awkward. Nick is given a really unsexy robot costume, while the rest are handed their banana hammocks. Wow, some of these guys are not working with triple digit IQs… I’m looking at you Cody and Craig. But Cody brought his abs for Andi, not his brains, so I guess there’s that. And I think Craig is just drunk… all the time. At least, I hope that’s what’s happening.
Last season’s also-rans, Kelly and Sharlene, show up to give Andi some moral support and watch some bouncing ball sacs. Yeah, I said that. Am I wrong? The cowboys are up first and holy body Marquel! Nick does his robot and overexposes his, um, wires. The firemen show up in time to save the day and I’m all in for these boys. Holy tats, Carl. Mama likey. The marines are up next, but get no air time because Marcus is about to pass out from fear back stage. Yet somehow, he manages to bring the noise. Thankfully this is all over because I’m on twerking overload. Twerkerload?
Time for some fully clothed cocktailing… Well, I’m not sure Andi can be considered fully clothed with that much cleavage. Craig starts off with a toast… so he can get to drinking. You’ve had enough, friend, and the party hasn’t even started.
Brian quickly grabs the first one-on-one time, and is excited to hear that he impressed Andi with his moves on the stage. He said he was nervous, but it was worth it for the kids. Yes, the kids. Josh is next and he is shiiiiny tonight. Someone in make-up needs to bring that buff puff over stat. He doesn’t want to be stereotyped as an athlete. He’s a good guy and isn’t the typical womanizer. He hasn’t dated in 5 years. I don’t know if I’m buying the humility yet.
Back in the living room, Craig is pounding the drinks and his mouth is running at about 120mph. The other guys are more than happy to sit back and watch the train go fully off the rails. One less guy to worry about. And as Craig pours more drunken nonsense from his mouth, Bradley uses his to serenade Andi. Has the guy actually spoken to her? I’ve heard nothing but singing.
Well, we won’t find out that answer quite yet, because we are following Craig around the house searching for Andi. He finds her – unfortunately for Andi – and asks her what she thinks of all the other guys. She might not know about them yet, but she sure knows you’re a mess. It doesn’t get better when he asks what’s the worst thing about her parents. Yeah, we’re gonna move on from you now, honey. Head on over to craft services and find a nice pot of coffee. Needless to say, that doesn’t happen, but more tequila does – as does him interrupting Brett’s time with Andi. Someone might want to put a leash on Craig.
The guys lure Craig back into the living room, but he doesn’t hang for long as he is now swimming in his clothes. Andi tries to get some time with Ron, but it’s being interrupted by the sounds of a drunk, shouting Craig, who has found a pool partner in Nick S. At least, Nick managed swim trunks. Andi is less than amused by the antics.
The fun and games turn less fun and gamey when Patrick intervenes and gets pushed by Craig. Yeah, that dude could squash you like a bug. I’d be careful with the booze muscles. The guys are not enjoying the drama and the fact that it’s taking time away from them. Finally, the producers step in and put Craig in their version of a drunk tank, but not before we have tears from Andi. Really? Is this worth tears? This makes her question why everyone is there. Does it? One dude got drunk. It happens… especially when you have an open bar in a room full of men competing with each other. Get a grip, Andi.
Thankfully Marcus is there to rescue her from this terrible situation. Ah yes, the damsel in distress routine in a room full of testosterone. That worked out just fine. Maybe I should give her a tip o’ the hat on that gameplay. And boy, is she smitten with Marcus. He talks about being a romantic and I think Andi might drop her panties right there. But first, the date rose has to be given… to Marcus. Nothing surprising there, well other than her panties still being on.
The Horses Are On The Track
Rachel: The final four bachelors are anxiously awaiting their fate, when the date card arrives. Eric delivers the news… Chris, the farmer, wins. I still think he’s a dude hologram – from some angles he’s super hot, from other angles, not so much. But I like him so far, even if the upper lip issue is there. It’s probably just hangover from One-Lip Bukowski. I’ll get over it.
Chris meets Andi at Santa Anita Racetrack for some ponies. Loving the look she’s got going on. I also love Santa Anita. Having serious date jealousy right now. They have some juleps, make some bets and Andi forgets all about the drama of last night. As if the date weren’t already charming enough, a couple who has been married for 55 years just happens to sit next to them and ask them how long they’ve been together. Cue tales of lasting love and trust. Gee, that didn’t feel contrived at all.
The races went well so let’s go have some cocktails. Andi is feeling good about her date with Chris after what happened last night. Chris says he’s there for the right reasons – so early in the season we get a ‘right reasons’ – and he’s looking for his soulmate. He was engaged once, but it didn’t work out. This is very intriguing to Andi. How do I know? Because she has her pouty lip going, which is apparently her way of saying “I hear you.” Chris is really sweet and open, but I wish they’d let him take off his coat because he is sweating like one of the pigs on his farm. But Andi doesn’t seem bothered by it and gives Chris the date rose.
Ah, but we’re not done yet. How can we be when we haven’t had a private concert yet? This time it’s This Wild Life playing and Andi gets her first kiss of the season. She also woos us with her mad dancing skills. She should always just stand still. But I like the band. Gonna have to check them out. Management gets a thumbs up for making them be on this show. And you know they had to make them.
Rachel: There’s a lot of pressure on this cocktail party for the guys that didn’t get any one-one-one time, and for Craig who has some damage control to do. I’m saying that ain’t happening. If he looked like Marcus, maybe. But alas, he does not. Is Carl rocking specs? Yes, he is. Yeah, he is doing it all for me right now. The tats, the specs, the fire fighting… Someone light a match!
Nick V. gets the first one-on-one time and brings her his own date card… with champagne. Champers will almost always get you a rose… if you’re not Craig. He wants to have the “what are you looking for” talk, and while it bores the tar out of me, Andi is lapping it up like a hungry kitten at a milk bowl.
Marquel is up next to sell his story and hurt my senses with that tie/shirt combo. He, too, wants to know what she’s feeling. That’s followed by a sock puppet show, smashing plates and telling jokes all in the name of pleasing Andi. Josh is up and he really needs to stop talking about how shy and humble he is. It’s too much already and it’s starting to sound disingenuous. Talk about something real, dude. Wait, he’s a baseball player? I swear it said basketball player last week. I blame the wine. But she’s totally buying what he’s selling as he scores the second kiss of the season, which is surprising considering he just ran his hand over her face. What was that move?
Craig gets his shot to try and salvage his spot on the pu pu platter of men. So, he decides singing and playing guitar is the way to go. It’s not. I mean it’s a valiant effort, but I’m thinking it’s not gonna work. He’s just a goof. And not in the charming way. Seriously, he’s 12.
Rachel: Andi is feeling good about the men in the house and about her boobs apparently, since they’ve been out all night.
Time for the roses:
Has a rose: Eric, Marcus, Chris
Gets a rose: Ron, Dylan, JJ, Marquel, Andrew, Tasos, Josh, Cody, Nick V, Patrick, Brian, Brett, Bradley
Going: Craig, Nick S and Carl
What the what??? Carl is going home? Are you nuts, woman?
Um, if you’ll excuse me, I need to make a trip to Ft. Lauderdale immediately. I wonder exactly how many fire stations there are in the FLL area. I guess I’m about to find out.
Craig regrets his behavior and getting himself kicked off the show. He wonders what would have happened if he hadn’t made that mistake. You’d have gone home anyway, sweetie. Trust me.
Nick S. goes too and I’m okay with that. Very.
Rachel: I’m liking Andi more, but that “stop it” is going to drive me bananas.