One Sentence Summary: Andi is back to find love… without an accent.
Rachel: In the immortal words of Whitesnake: Here I go again… Well really, here we go again. Another also-ran tries to find love on television by group-dating men and putting them in contrived situations in order to prove their love. I really hope the producers stepped it up from last season. Those might have been the laziest date ideas on television ever. Also, I’m not sure how I feel about Andi yet. On the likability meter, she’s wavering down around the “not so much” area, but there is hope. I did like her early on in the Juan Pablo debacle, but then the whole “Ees not okay” power trip turned me off… so did watching her dance. I’m also hoping they don’t spend the season playing up her shrewd lawyering skills, because that will get old fast. Kinda like Dez and her sketch pad grew stale after the first daydreamy drawing of her fantasy wedding dress. Not quite sure how you romanticize prosecuting gang members, but I have a feeling we’re about to find out…
Melissa: Well color me blissfully shocked I don’t have to sit through 2 hours of the first night. I mean the fact that I’m struggling with having to deal with anything over 30 minutes has nothing to do with my joy. We all know the drill on this what… 78th season? We’re going to take America’s (latest) Sweetheart and let her tour the world looking for love… in all the wrong places… looking for love… Oh sorry, totally went off topic there. Ugh, now we all know what’s going to be stuck in my head at 3am. Anyway, I can’t wait to see what brain-trust they’ve scraped up for us this season.
Rachel: Oh yeah, the guy that died. I forgot about that. So sad. In case you missed it, one of the contestants, Eric Hill, was killed in a paragliding accident after the show had completed filming. This season is dedicated to him. I will leave it at that because there’s not much you can say and it certainly isn’t something about which one would joke.
But Andi and this show are something worth a joke or 10…. Let’s start with Andi’s life as a lawyer. We follow her as she hunts down bad people while in heels and perfect hair and make-up… because that’s how it happens. But she’s giving up this prestigious job all in the name of love. And by love she means some more camera time and earning checks by making personal appearances at B-level events in Vegas.
As she packs up her empty office, she reminisces about earning her law degree… all those months ago. Yes, how the time flies. But it’s worth giving it all up to walk around in a dress that barely covers her chooch, think deep thoughts that were written for her and find her true love.
Andi stops at her parents’ house and we get to re-meet her awesome dad that was having no part of Juan Pablo last season. Ha, love him! Can’t wait to see him stick it to the final two this season. Maybe we change it up and he gets to meet the 4 Hometowners!
Ah, Andi’s going to be the “keeping it real” bachelorette. Got it. Real but also fun, natch. Can I say that I’m happy that Andi’s not bone thin with two giant fun bags threatening to knock her at the first strong wind to blow through? Not mentioning any names…. Emily.
Andi moves into her manse and gets a visit from her sister. She needs the moral support…. and to preempt any judgements we have about her kissing everyone on the show. That’s right, drop some “kissing should be fun!” philosophy on us, so we don’t go all “but you gave Juan Pablo a hard time about kissing everyone” on you. You put it out there, and now we’re all ready, drink in hand, to watch you swap spit with every J. Crew poster child they selected for you this season.
Melissa: Wait a moment… Eric Hill… one of the cast passed away?! Say what now? I’m so confused!! When and how did this happen? During the show? Does anyone else feel a little strange watching knowing one of these guys isn’t going to make it… literally? I’m not trying to be sarcastic there, just… it’s strange no?
Here we go with Andi’s tough as nails life. You know I’d totally give her props if she wasn’t doing the follow up “search for love” this season. And on that note… hey ABC – can we get a fresh face one of these seasons? I’d like to meet someone new please. How sad is it that I barely remember her family? I’m going to pretend I was really drunk by that episode. Oh who am I trying to kid… odds are I was.
Let’s Meet The Meat… Er, Men
Rachel: I love love love that we have skipped the mini-segments on the men we’ll be meeting tonight and are getting straight to the parade o’ flesh. Ba-ring it. I’m ready to jump into the shallow end of the pool and rank men based solely on their looks. But first we have to cry with Andi and try on her pageant dresses… neither of which are doing her any justice.
Melissa: Seriously producers, if we nixed half of this behind the scenes with Andi we could have done this first episode in 30 minutes. Also, girlfriend needs to ditch that gold lame dress. Unless she’s channeling her inner Dynasty character, that needs to go right back onto the hanger, and right back to the wardrobe closet.
Meanwhile, what happened to getting bachelor backstories? Aren’t we supposed to start with her deep thoughts then intertwine with the boys back home and why they are looking for love (in all the wrong places… looking for love… in too many faces)?
Rachel: And in case you forgot (and why would you remember) here is our handy dandy man ranking system:
1 – Aw suki suki now!!! Mama likey!
2 – He could be a good time.
3 – Talk to me after a couple glasses of wine.
4 – Do I look that desperate?
5 – Not even with someone else’s vajayjay.
Rachel: What is a Sports Medicine Manager? He’s pretty cute… at certain angles. I’ll give him a 3.
Melissa: The first one to step his size 12s out of the limo. Yep, they’re hanging on to the shoe size detail. He’s cute though. He’s a solid 3.
Rachel: A farmer… okay. He probably has some nice guns from all that hay baling. Do they still do that. He’s cute but there’s an upper lip thing happening that’s throwing me off. I give him a 3.
Melissa: The farmer and his size 13s!! Hey now! He’s a 3.
Rachel: WTF is a pantsapreneur? I refuse to capitalize it until it’s explained further. I can’t tell if he’s a dork in a charming way or a douchy hipster way. So for now a 3 with definite 2 potential.
Melissa: JJ and his 14s… seriously? To quote my girl, WTF is a pantsapreneur? Did he just call it a love quest? A noble quest to find true love? Dude, you’re on the Bachelorette. Ain’t nothing noble going on in that house. I can’t believe we’re wasting 14s on this one. He’s a 2.
Rachel: Vegas, baby! Our first token man of color arrives and he is not hard on the eyes. Will Andi be the first to be colorblind? I’m thinking Marcus might be worth it. He’s a 2.
Melissa: Our first man of color with his awesome smile and his… WHOMP… WHOMP… WHOMP… 10.5s makes his intro. Aw, and he gave her a ‘Yes, ma’am’. I love some manners on a gentleman, not to mention 3 tats. Plus, “Coming to America” is one of his favorite movies. He’s a 2 if only to sit and recite lines with me. “The royal penis is clean, your Highness.”
Rachel: I like that he is bringing Paris to the party with the Lovers Lock. Howver, the earrings and the hair do not get this girl’s party started. So, I may have to go 4 on him. Sorry…
Melissa: Tasos is cute… and he brought her a lock! He’s a 3 for sure.
Rachel: Commence major eye rolling. Is he really pushing the limo into the driveway? Oh right, because he’s personal trainer. The hair is bad, the jacket is bad, the grammar is bad… He’s a 4. He missed 5 only because he doesn’t seem like a total dick. Just a meathead.
Melissa: Yeah, here we go with our first shtick of the night. Entrée Cody the personal trainer… There’s a chance he’s a 4.
Rachel: Our first shaggy-haired surfer boy has arrived and he said “stoked”. But I say “stoked” daily so I can’t ping him for that. Still, I’m going with a 3.
Melissa: Steven with our smallest shoe of the evening eking in at a 9.5. Meh, he’s a 4-ish.
Rachel – Oh a professional match. He’s pretty cute. I’m thinking he might be a 2.
Melissa: Rudie wants to go with some attorney humor. Alright. – 2.
Rachel: The profession alone starts you at a 3. The cute gift makes you a 2. The local boy cutie pie makes you a 1. If Andi sends him home, I may have to start cruising the Ft. Lauderdale area pulling random fire alarms.
Melissa: Carl the size 13, tatted firefighter! That puts you automatically at a 3.
Rachel: That hair is KILLING me. Then the bad joke about her having a fever because she’s hot just does me in. He looks like a Nelson Brother reject. He’s a 5.
Melissa: Yeah, Jason needs a haircut, and I’m thinking that shtick just plummeted him to a 5. A solid you’re-trying-way-too-hard-buddy 5.
Rachel: Not doing anything for me and I’m solidly into a second glass of wine. He’s a 4.
Melissa: Nick V is a meh… 4 it is for you, my friend.
Rachel: He’s got that Matthew McConaughey thing happening. I’m waiting for him to say “Alright, alright, alright”. Kinda wish he would. He’s ca-ute and a 2.
Melissa: Dylan the accountant who likes apple juice and Connect Four. I guess he’s clinging to his youth… and possibly a sippy cup. I kinda dig the nervousness. He’s a 3.
Rachel: I have an automatic dislike for all things advertising right now. So that’s not helpful, but the soccer ball joke was pretty funny. He’s cute too, so I’ll go with a 2.5.
Melissa: Patrick, the Jersey boy, with his size 13s. A 3.
Rachel: Lots of local Cali boys this year. Running out of the “willing to travel” folks? I don’t know how I feel about him but rhyming his name with anal didn’t help. At all. Sorry, dude, you’re a 4.
Melissa: Emil almost had me with his liking Love Actually, but plunged to a 4.5 with his love of twerking. Anal with an M… that’s going to leave an impression dude… and not the best one if you ask me. There’s a chance you won’t even survive the night because no woman really wants to think of her man and anal in the same train of thought.
Rachel: Brett brought a floor lamp with him. You know, because he doesn’t like to show up empty-handed. I want to cut the back of his hair off… badly. I also fear a Brooks-like ‘do happening once the product is removed. He’s a 3.
Melissa: Brett the hairstylist, whose favorite actor is Ryan Reynolds. You will be a 3, because you could do my hair while we watch Blade 3.
Rachel: Ugh, did he really just waste an entire bottle of champers? That ain’t cool. He’s excited to celebrate her as the bachelorette. Lord, help me. He’s going to be on my nerves by… well, now. He’s a 4.
Melissa: Yes, Craig just wasted that bottle of bubbly, but it sort of goes with that bubbly personality of his. I’ll give him a 3.
Rachel: So he says he lives in Nashville, the chyron says Memphis but he’s originally from Israel and Barbados. I’m confused, but he’s cute so he gets a 3.
Melissa: Ron, whose job as a beverage sales manager, has me thinking that my glass is a bit empty for this stage of the night. If you can score me some vino, I’d give you a 3.
Rachel: Because nothing is original anymore, we have another opera singer. He seems a bit… um, stiff… and not in a good way. I’m generously going with a 3.5
Melissa: Oh dude, there’s no way you can hold a candle to my girl, Sharleen. Only one opera diva allowed on this show. I’m not feeling it. You’re a 4-ish.
Rachel: They must have had a mega-casting in Denver this year. Josh is fine. A fine 3.
Melissa: Josh B. is well… a 3
Rachel: This dude just rolled up in a golf cart. A pro golfer and pro yeller it seems. She’s right there, dude. I hate the facial hair. He’s getting a 4.
Melissa: So we finally have a professional athlete in the mix… with his size 9s… taking the prize for the smallest foot on the show. Um, did you need to explain the cart? That dings you… 4.
Rachel: Meh, he’s cute and I can see girls liking him, but I’ve never been one for the rosy-cheeked bashful dude. He’s a 3.
Melissa: Brian who likes the Notebook – I’m assuming because he thinks it helps him pick up chicks – is kind of adorbs, so he gets a 3.
Rachel: LA in the house! He’s cute. I dig. I may give him a 2, which is surprising seeing as how he’s an ad guy. But yeah, 2.
Melissa: Andrew is sort of sweet I think. Though the Andi/Andrew line would have been cuter if he would have gone with ‘A squared’. He’s a 3.
Rachel: Boy, I likes me a bartender, but not one with that hair who bartends in the least fun state in which to drink… Utah. Blargh. He’s a 4.
Melissa: Oh Mike, the bartender. If he’s smart, he starts mixing cocktails and roofies the other bachelors. He’s a 3.
Rachel: I was about to go on a tangent about calling yourself an explorer, but then I realized who he is. This is really uncomfortable watching and knowing he’s no longer with us… literally. He is still the second 1 of the evening. The dolls, the dimples, the smile…. Ugh, totally adorable.
Melissa: I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m a little not sure how to handle watching this knowing he’s dead. Aw, and I love this story about the dolls. You’re a 2… but it feels strange rating him.
Rachel: Dude looks way older than 29. He also seems awfully short for a b-ball player. And don’t Spudd Webb me. He’s okay. Mmm… 2.5.
Melissa: He reminded me of Mark Cuban when he got out of the limo. He’s cute, but I don’t know if it’s me or his hair is askew. He’ll earn a meh 3.
Rachel: And that does it for our parade of beefcake. I think the bartender isn’t long for the road. Calling that one right now.
Cocktails And Convo, Part 1
Rachel: Now it’s time for the men to jockey for attention. Let the peacocking begin! Someone has to win that first impression rose.
Oh first we have to hear the men ooh and coo over how beautiful she is. I will say she is very pretty, so I can’t really blame them for being gaga. But please stop, put your tongues back in your mouths, and listen up. Andi has some things to say and most of those things are “y’all” and “fun”.
First for some one-on-one is basketball guy, Josh. She says he’s so her type. And she is so his mom’s type. She’s not sure she’s buying the white knight routine, but she’s clearly willing to give it a chance.
Marquel has brought a cookie tasting to Andi. I think I think that’s adorable. I do have to laugh that he made it a point to bring the black and white cookie to her attention. Well played, sir.
Eric, sigh, tells her he’s only in the country 3 days a month right now. That can be sexy to some ladies, and to others a deal breaker. We’ll see where Andi falls… Oy, I said falls. See, this is just going to be awkward…
Chris Harrison has arrived to awkwardly place the First Impression rose in the middle of the room. Pressure’s on.
Melissa: Oh whew… it’s time for cocktails. Speaking of cocktails, Mama needs a top-off because I am not feeling it with this crew – or Andi truth be told. I really hope there’s some drunken foolishness about to kick-start itself soon, because I could seriously nod off. Where’s our bartender dropping roofies? I mean, at the very least, let’s get some dudes bombed and making gigantic asses of themselves.
Josh M is her type… So let’s breakdown her type: tall, dark-ish, handsome-ish, size 13… Yeah, he’s got a bit going for him. I like the rapid-fire exchange with these two.
Hey now, Marquel with some cookie tasting! You’ve gone and shot yourself to the top of my list!! I do love a man with cookies. Yep, Marquel is my man! I’d happily hang, eating cookies, watching some “this is beautiful, vhat is that velvet?”
OK, so I like Eric… which totally sucks. For real, totally sucks.
First Impression Rose… thanks for earning your keep Chris. How awesome would it be if one of these dudes got really drunk and decided to just hide it.
Rachel: No. No. No…. Just no. Chris Bukowski and his no-upper-lip-having self is not trying to come back. I won’t have it. I won’t. What, being rejected by Emily and losing on Bachelor Pad wasn’t enough humiliation for you? Sweet Mary on toast! I cannot take another season of him. Andi had better reject him immediately… if he even makes it back into the house. Can we stop with the tired runner-ups already?
I love that the security guard is having none of Chris and his red roses. But it wouldn’t make for good TV if we just turned him away immediately. Please.
Meanwhile as Andi frolicks with the mens inside, we learn that a pantsapreneur does indeed make pants, Tasos is cultured (or trying to be, which is almost as good), Nick V has 10 siblings, and that Greg looks strange when he sings opera. Oh we also learn that Andi doesn’t know that Seoul is pronounced “soul” and not “sal”. As for Chris, well he just waits at security.
While Andrew and Patrick begin a beautiful bromance inside, Chris Harrison tells Andi that she has a party crasher. He tells her that Chris Bukowski is so taken by her that he’s ready to throw his hat into the ring. Too bad she’s not having it. None of it. She doesn’t want to upset the guys in the house. Harrison just does his usual understanding nod. Anyone else think this was a ploy to try and throw some drama into the mix?
Harrison heads back down the hill to break the bad news and One-lip doesn’t take it well. He’s been in LA for 7 days waiting to meet her. He has to go up. Has to. I hope they have a straightjacket handy on that set because this dude is cuckoo. He’s also not leaving. Oh boy, Rent-A-Cop doesn’t look pleased.
Harrison uses his powers of calm persuasion to talk One-lip off the ledge. Manufactured crisis averted.
Melissa: Stop. Stop. It. Now. Really, is that Emily’s cast off… the one from Chicago? Or was it Des? OK, I’m sorry, but this particular “bit” is getting a little tired with the past season folks wanting to be back in the limelight. You had your chance dude, you did your world tour… move along. I mean really, they can barely keep a straight face with this bit. At least the past ones “called” Chris to ask if they could come back.
Look at Miss Andi getting herself all spoiled and doted on. Wait, does Tasos have screws in his ears? Oh Sweet Mary with the Opera singing!! Aw, look at the little bromances brewing in the house. That’s cute.
WOW, color me impressed Miss Andi for making the call to send Chris packing. Good on you. I just sat up and took notice. Well, I’m also trying to notice where the bottle of Pinot is.
Wait, so Chicago Chris tells Chris H he’s been out there “for so long”. Stalking the place? Is this not sending red flags to anyone else? No? Oh right, because this is the bit for this season. Plus, let’s be honest… 7 days? Not so long my friend, though I’m sure to a would-be stalker it’s an eternity. I do have to admit it was nice seeing Chris Harrison do something other than declare “final rose”. Way to earn this week’s paycheck!
Cocktails And Convo Take Two
Rachel: Okay, back to the house and our regularly scheduled anticipation of the First Impression Rose. The men keep rolling through and Andi is just overwhelmed with the awesomeness of them all. Is she going to say “stop” all season?
The farmer is kinda cute I have to say. He’s growing on me, but the thought of living in Northeast Iowa holds zero appeal. Andi, on the other hand, is already picking out her shit kickers.
Well, until “hot” Marcus rolls up. She’s mesmerized by his hotness and speaking of foreign languages. Yeah, I don’t see it, but I don’t have to. It ain’t my rose to give away.
And speaking of roses, Nick gets the first impression rose. I guess his tales of 11 children warmed her cockles…. and froze over the rest of the guys. Boy do they hate the guy with the First Impression rose. And poor Nick has no idea the target on his back. He does seem sweet. The rest of the guys will have to battle it out in the rose ceremony.
Melissa: OK, back to the party, without the eye-rolling party crasher. Andi is still loving all her dudes, and I’m loving our farmer. Really, how cute is he?? Oh man, Nick is getting the first impression rose? Let me wipe off my glasses, because I did not see that one coming!
Rachel: Our first ceremony is upon us and I’m pretty sure exactly zero names have taken hold in my brain… minus JJ, the pantsapreneur. Somehow that stuck… Figures. But I don’t have an earpiece like Andi reading off the names to me.
Here we go…
Has a rose: Nick V
Gets a rose: JJ, Eric, Marquel, Craig, Tasos, Josh M, Brian, Bradley, Marcus, Andrew, Ron, Carl, Chris, Dylan, Brett, Patrick, Cody, and Nick S
Going: Emil, Mike, Rudie, Jason, Josh B., and Steven
Why does Andi hold each rose in front of her like it’s a bowling ball she’s about to send down the alley?
Anyway, I like Rudie. Bummed about him. He had that Donnie Osmond thing going on, which I, sadly, find myself very attracted to. The rest don’t surprise me, especially when Josh starts crying and carrying on. Jason wonders what he could have done differently…. cut your hair. No really, cut it.
Melissa: SO the long hairs are out, as is “anal with an M”, as is the attorney whom I was struggling with who he was during the ceremony… yeah that’s the impression you left me with. At least he’s not crying. Thank goodness Jason held on to it and didn’t give in to the tear I can see forming as… he walks home? Do they not get limos to take them back to wherever they’re going on the first night? Josh B needs to hold on as well… wait; you’re going to get all-dramatic about a dare from a friend? You need to chill dude.
Rachel: Stop it, y’all. It’s gonna be a fun season.
Melissa: They are really touring about in Europe now aren’t they? I’m so jealous. Oh hey now, there are gonna be some tears this season. I know it’s horrible of me, but I kinda like when they get so caught up in the “reality” of life they can’t take it anymore. You know how tough it must be touring the world like the 1%. Seriously, I get how stressful that is. I can’t even imagine doing it with men singing your praises all along the way. Poor Andi.