One Sentence Summary: Carole is queen of the mermaids while Aviva faces her fears as the two battle it out for most fabulous… in their own minds.
Rachel: Can someone please explain to me why Carole insists on engaging Aviva? I really thought she was smarter than that. I mean the woman has more nuts stored away in that brain of hers than a squirrel ready for the winter, so why oh why would you bother trying to take that on? And all that happens is Carole devolves into a bitchy insult-slinger just like her friend Aviva. I was all kinds of proud of her for apologizing to LuAnn and then… meltdown. I actually get embarrassed for these ladies. I do. You’d think after all these years, I’d be immune, but I’m not. Their immature sniping and scene-causing still makes me uncomfortable. On the other hand, Heather telling Aviva’s friend, Amanda – who is clearly there to jockey for the next open slot on the show – to deck her is pure gold. I love when the Diddy Days come flooding back and Heather goes full ‘hood while wearing a $500 maxi-dress. Ah, if only Bitchy Von Attention Whore would really haul off and hit Heather. Not that I’m condoning violence… well, I am a little… But to see Heather take it to the mat just once would take that golden moment and elevate it to platinum. So, let’s see how this goes down (or doesn’t).
Hit The Deck
Rachel: Well, we start the night with Heather and Amanda in each others faces. Both think the other is rude and inappropriate. Jonathan, Heather’s husband, makes the mistake of trying to intervene and is promptly reminded of who is wearing the penis tonight. (Hint: It’s not him.) Well, at least she said excuse me. Amanda walks away while Heather offers her another opportunity to deck her. Poor LuAnn, she just wants to serve dessert. Fruit tart anyone?
As the drama bleeds into another room, our image consultant friend Amanda says she doesn’t have to make a good first impression. She must be really good at her job. Yes, I’d hire her to make over my image after seeing this. Sonja gets in on the action by making fun, I think, of Amanda’s chosen occupation. It’s hard to tell sometimes what angle Sonja’s coming from. I’m not sure she is always in the know either.
Amanda decides that a better place for her would be in the middle of Carole and Aviva’s conversation. Carole is confused seeing as how she doesn’t even know this woman, and would appreciate her standing about 3 rooms away. Thankfully Heather hasn’t given up the fight, literally, so she follows Amanda in and asks her to leave them alone. Their conversation is not her business. Heather wants the bitch taken out… of the house. LuAnn says let them eat cake. And if that’s not enough going on for you, Sonja peed her panties even though she’s not wearing any. Well, there’s an image I can never scrub from my brain.
Finally, LuAnn shoves some cake down Amanda’s throat to distract her from trying to get camera time. Carole and Aviva end their conversation with nothing resolved, unsurprisingly. As they meander into LuAnn’s dessert cornucopia, Aviva attempts to make a toast about supporting all women who write. I’ll toast to that! But as we know, I’ll toast to anything. Carole, not so much. She isn’t feeling the love. Heather, who was just leading the “I’ll take you to the mat before I let you butt into someone else business” march, decides to butt in and tell Aviva that she’s so not a supporter of other women. I’ll toast to that! Wait, that wasn’t a toast. Eh, let’s all drink anyway.
Aviva doesn’t want to deal with Heather so she walks away… with Heather following after her. This is really a three-ring-circus. Since Aviva won’t engage further, Reid will on her behalf. He tells Heather that three women told him that Carole didn’t write her book. So that makes it true? And makes spreading the gossip okay? Shame on you, Reid. Not only is this none of your business, but that’s just low down dirty. Way to lower yourself to their level. We now have two separate dramas going on with Carole’s posse on one side of the room and Aviva’s posse on the other. The real victim here is Kristen, who doesn’t know which way to turn so as to avoid being hit with a low blow. Remember, she’s a model and must protect her face at all times.
You’d think this is when the party ended and everyone went home, but no…. Heather loses what little composure she has left and calls Aviva a mother-effer. Well, that was just classy. But it does officially end the party. Imagine if Ramona had been there…
Another beautiful Hamptons day is upon us and Sonja is getting ready for her brunch… in a home she’s borrowing. How do you manage that? No really, I’d love to know. Oh look, Harry Dubin is there and apparently sharing a room with our fair Sonja. Yeah, what happened to hottie Ben? I much prefer looking at him. But Sonja prefers Harry and prefers he not be flirting with the terrible Amanda. She thinks he’s doing it because she’s crazy and crazy girls are good in bed. He doesn’t say she’s wrong. I fully missed the memo on the attraction factor of one Harry Dubin, but I’m not generally attracted to wallets.
The guests arrive, but it looks like Heather and Carole have other plans. Coincidence? I think not. I’d have opted for another plan myself. Sonja takes the opportunity to crawl up Aviva’s ass since no one else is around. They talk about her “raw” memoir. You know, how it took a lot for Aviva to put it all out there. Um, you put it all out there all the time. Spare us the bullshit. Just for one tiny moment. Please. However, Aviva’s self-righteous rant about all the good she’s doing for the world has to be put on hold because Sonja’s tooth fell out. Yes, her actual tooth fell out of her mouth and she needs to go Polydent it. Here’s an idea. How about you take the money that brunch is costing you and put it toward a visit to the dentist?
Mermaids In The City
Back in the city, Kristen, Heather and Carole go shopping at a costume store for the Mermaid Parade, which benefits Coney Island. Carole is the queen of the parade this year and gets to officially open the summer season. I wonder how long before Aviva finds a parade for herself. She can’t possibly let Carole one-up her. Again.
Speaking of the crazy, Sonja and Aviva are at a dermatologist’s office for a little refresh. Sonja believes an ounce of prevention goes a long way. One might even say it’s worth a pound of cure, eh Sonja?
While Team Carole tries on shell bras, Team Sonja discusses how Carole doesn’t give Aviva the same latitude she gives other women. Well, because Aviva’s an asshole. Am I wrong? But Aviva thinks Heather and Carole were verbally raping her. Yeah? Well, the whole Michael Myers thing you have going on right now is visually raping me. But seriously, Aviva takes everything to the most dramatic point. The never-ending victim thing is exhausting. How does Reid do it?
More About Me
Aviva and Reid take the kids for some arts & crafts time… of which they spend zero with the kids. Aviva shows Reid a note that she got from Becky Morgan, the girl at whose house Aviva was staying when “the accident” happened. She hasn’t spoken to Becky for 35 years. Becky says she often wonders about her and would like to meet after all these year. Aviva remembers her and knows she was afraid to write her an email back when the accident happened. Wait, this girl had email 35 years ago? Now, that is impressive.
Becky wants Aviva to come to the farm where she is still living. Aviva is touched by Becky’s courage to contact her and thinks this meeting could alleviate some of the burden they both carry. Um, am I alone here in thinking that this is so not remotely a random reach-out? Yeah, no part of her contacting Aviva now that she’s on a show and writing a book about it are coincidental, but thanks for trying to play us Bravo. Ah yes, and of course this is one more opportunity for Aviva to remind us of all the good she is doing for other people, in part, because of this accident. Maybe while she’s at the crafts store, she can fashion herself a halo.
The Princess Is A Queen
Kristen and Carole go to get their make-up done for the Mermaid Parade. I guess we know which team Kristen has decided to play for. Don’t blame her. On the other side of town, Sonja is getting ready by having a costume designer rummage through her closet for something appropriate. OH NO! Someone put Colorado clothes in Sonja’s St. Tropez closet! Hurry get an intern before that sweater molts all over those tropical prints! Ah, the problems of the 1%… and those pretending to still be there.
The parade is getting underway and Carole has found her king and their throne. Kristen & LuAnn show up and get on the wrong float. They’re supposed to be with high school cheerleaders. Instead, they hop on with drag queens. Stay with the drag queens, ladies. I promise they’re more fun. Apparently they agree and choose to stay with the queens. Good call. Sonja finally arrives with her homemade outfit and another broken tooth. What the hell are you chewing on, Sonja? Never mind, don’t answer. I’m sure I don’t want to know.
Heather shows up late, but in time for some frolicking on the beach with the other ‘Maids and a friendship pledge from Carole. A good time is had by all, because the bad time satellite that is Aviva is bringing her special brand of gloom to Becky’s farm instead.
Face The Fear
Time for the visit with Becky, the girl whose idea it was to go on the machine that took Aviva’s leg… not that she blames her. Wink wink. Nudge nudge. As Aviva & Reid head up to the farm, she tells him that not a day goes by that Becky doesn’t think of Aviva. Really, I thought she said a week at the craft store… but hey, it’s Aviva’s world, and that means it’s a day. It also means that when Becky had her first kid she was thinking about Aviva. Same with her wedding day. Wow, that’s a lot of your own Kool-Aid you’re drinking there Aviva.
Aviva arrives at the farm. She and Becky greet each other with an embrace and some tears. Reid begs off for the farm office and some wifi – this must be where Becky used email 35 years ago. I wonder if you can email into the future back there too? Or maybe even time travel? But we aren’t here to talk about that, unfortunately. We’re here to relive the accident. Aviva wants to know what Becky remembers. Was there blood? Becky doesn’t remember, but she feels a sense of responsibility. Aviva says Becky saved her life because she’s the one that turned off the machine. Poor Becky looks like she wants this day to end… now. The empty wine glass says it all.
However, we have more we have to do. Since Aviva refuses to shy away in the face of fear anymore, she has Becky bring her and Reid out to the barn where the accident happened. The machine is still there and all the memories come flooding back. Wait, did Aviva just drop a mother-effer bomb? I guess she wants to prove that she can be gangsta too. I will give her credit – though it kills me – she handles the whole situation pretty damn well. Demon officially exorcised.
Rachel: Gotta say, not missing Ramona. I wouldn’t be mad if she stayed in Africa to be honest. And Kristen is starting to grow on me.