One Sentence Summary: Carole and Aviva finally agree on something: they don’t like each other.
Rachel: So yeah, it’s happened. I’ve rejoined the real world and gotten myself a day job. Well, I had a day job this whole time, but it was working for myself… at home… with no one paying attention to whether or not I took a Candy Crush break. But now, I have to set an alarm and it’s hard. But you probably already know this. And you probably have very little sympathy for me. OK, no sympathy for me. I don’t blame you. Anyway, the point of me telling you this is not to complain – I’m actually pretty happy – but to explain why it’s been pretty quiet over her at Two Winey Bitches. Once I’m back into the swing of things, I will get back up to speed. But please understand that if I’m behind or miss an episode, it’s because I chose to end the day in a bottle of wine and passed out before I could type anything. Trust me, it’s better that I don’t in that situation. OK, so… the RHONY. I’m still Team Carole and still want to beat Aviva about the head. That much has remained the same. We’ll see how the rest pans out…
And we’re back to the fight between Carole & Aviva. I get why Carole’s angry, but I’m not sure I get why she’s THIS angry. Personally, I just think she can’t stand Aviva and is taking this way too far as a way to just say all the nasty things she thinks… like how Aviva’s never had a job outside the home. Aviva thinks Carole’s pompous and unsupportive. Carole thinks Aviva’s out of line and a liar. I think they both need to stop injecting shit into their lips. But seriously, are they really going this around the bend over a ghost writer? I’m ready for this to be done. Carole just go home. Do like Ramona just did and bail. Granted, Ramona is running for the door before Aviva can get to her and let her know how she feels about tattle tales. I imagine it’s probably about the same as she feels about ghost writers.
Sweet Mary, these two are still screaming at each other all the way down the stairs and calling each other crazy. Neither of you is looking very sane right now. I have a feeling a shrink would put you both on meds after having watched this. Shit, I need meds after having watched this. Meds or some wine… Ah yes, the wine. Come hither, you sexy grape. Anyway, Carole tells Heather that Aviva is a psychopath. I think you mean sociopath, but again, meds. Sonja thinks Carole might be this unhinged because of “The Change”. When do we stop blaming emotional outbursts on hormones? It’s PMS… It’s my period… It’s peri-menopause… It’s the full pause… How about it’s just that you really pissed me off? It’s enough.
Anyway, why is Carole still at Aviva’s? Wait, did Aviva just say no one writes their own book? Uh, how you figure that one? I believe Mark Twain just rolled over in his grave. Do people have editors and proofreaders? Yes. But that is not remotely the same as having a ghost writer… not that Aviva gives a shit about details. Oh right, Aviva just needs to make herself feel better about her ghost writer… who is probably writing their own book about how crazy Aviva is right now. Maybe they can hire Carole to be their ghost writer. Really bring it full circle.
Finally, Carole is leaving, but first she has to tell Aviva’s husband that his wife is insane and her ex-husband that she understands why he divorced her. No, Carole, no. Not behavior becoming a princess. You know better. Please don’t tell me you’ve succumbed to Housewife Head – that terrible ailment that these women get by Season 2 where they think they can behave any way they like while judging everyone else’s behavior. Ack…
Oh and here goes another… Heather tells Aviva that spreading rumors about other people’s careers is not nice and to be careful. While that’s totally true, you didn’t need to go there. But I guess you’re confused what to do when there’s drama and you’re not part of it.
BTW, I am not buying this whole Sonja loves Aviva routine.
Peace Is The Answer
Heather pops by Ramona’s to hear about her trip to Africa with Mario and Avery. OK, that’s not why. Let’s not play. Lions, tigers and gossip, oh my! That’s right, we’re really here to talk about the showdown at Aviva’s. Ramona can’t believe it got so heated. Really? Do you not remember “Take a Xanax!!!!” over how Aviva wasn’t greeted properly? Apparently not, because suddenly Ramona is all about keeping the peace. Yeah, we’ll see how long this lasts. Heather thinks Aviva need not be dissing someone’s career. Ramona doesn’t understand why she is inserting herself in someone else’s business. And I don’t understand this Ramona. Maybe she took her own advice and got some Xanax.
It’s Not You, It’s Me
Carole is meeting with her Editor – uh oh is she writing the book too?! – to go over her latest edit. She’s a little worked up about someone changing her words after she’s changed them back. She wants it the way she wrote it! Holy panties in a bunch, Wordsworth. We know what this is all about. No one thinks you didn’t write your book. And anyone that believes Aviva needs their head examined. Carole actually admits that she’s on edge because of what Aviva said about her. She is laughing at herself over it, but it’s getting to her at the same time. Her Editor thinks it’s ridiculous to even say there was a ghost writer. Exactly. Aviva is ridiculous.
The Business of Being Sonja
I would like to suggest that Sonja is not allowed to be on-camera this season unless her hottie boy toy is with her. Can we manage that? Please. We desperately need some eye candy. Oh wait, I already have an amendment to the rule. Sonja is also not allowed to dress like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s ever again. Thank you. Carry on.
So, Sonja has a new intern and she’s being welcomed by her new boss. She learns from Ms. Morgan that she’s there because she’s smart AND beautiful, but what they do is important so she could be fired at any time. And with that, the first very important task of the day is upon her… Burning candles to ward off all the jealousy coming at Sonja these days. I was going to say, “Jealous of what?”, but then… boy toy. Right.
As Sonja babbles on incessantly, her interns try to stay awake. Poor Tyler looks like he’s ready to peel off his skin just to get away from himself. You just might have to friend. You just might.
I’m A Model Too!
Oh boy… Aviva is doing a photo shoot for the cover of her book. I can’t decide if I’m going to be more angry at people that buy this book than I am at the people who have made Brandi Glanville a best-selling author. Probably gonna stick Brandi.
Aviva takes a few snaps in between her talking. That poor photographer. And as if there weren’t enough distractions, Kristen pops by for a chat. They talk about what went down at the housewarming party. Kristen gets where Carole is coming from since she has a background in writing having been a journalist. Oh just wait a minute there missy, Aviva has a background in writing too! She was an English major. And she went to law school which has a tremendous amount of writing. And, as if that weren’t credential enough, she’s even had one whole essay published! Well, yes, that is the exact same thing as being a journalist on network television. I hereby declare Aviva a writer! Just like me… I even hit the publish button all by myself! This calls for more wine. My version of a pat on the back.
Kristen thinks that scene was a side of Aviva she’s never seen. But she hopes everyone can make peace and get along. Have you not seen how this show works? She also thinks it’s not fair for Aviva to mess with Carole’s career, because her career is everything to her. I guess Aviva has had enough and isn’t interested in continuing a conversation that isn’t all about her awesomeness. Instead she is going to watch a turtle. No way! A turtle in nature! Who could imagine it?
Avery is going to the prom. Ramona is sad for her to be going away to college. Apparently this is the storyline for the Housewives this year. Daughters going to college and their hysterical mothers. Snooze.
It’s Not My Baby
Carole is hosting a baby shower for a friend in her home. She’s not 100% feeling it though, after being attacked by Aviva. OK, let it go already. We’ve heard enough. The peeps start rolling in, including Heather’s husband. So let me understand… Heather is running around in the mud while her husband and daughter go to a baby shower? Um, how did he get wrangled into going? I don’t like going to baby showers and I have a uterus.
While the girls discuss sperm donation, Ramona arrives ready to have a talk with Carole to make sure she’s not mad at her for stirring the pot. She’s mad at everyone so hold on tight to that halter top, Ramona. They step aside to chat and clear the air. Carole doesn’t know why Ramona was in the middle nor why she’s suddenly Aviva’s town crier. I think it’s more like Ramona just likes to know things… and likes to let people know she knows things. But she doesn’t want to lose Carole’s friendship because of making peace with Aviva. Carole is done with Aviva for defaming her character. Her first book was about her husband – the love of her life – and her career is her baby, so it’s doubly insulting. Yeah, I get that. For better or worse, I get it.
Not So Tough Mudder
Kristen’s husband, Josh, is sponsoring a race… in the rain. I’m not really sure what the point is but there are four of them, including Heather, running around a park. Are more people coming?
Ah, yes. Finally a crowd arrives for the Spartan Race… which I am thinking is Josh’s rip of a tough mudder. Seeing all the people sends Kristen into total panic. This is scary for her… to the point of tears. Really? Tears? Her husband isn’t interested in her being a pussy. Well, yeah, and yet… tears.
Everyone’s at the starting line and there’s a lot of screaming and cheering and bad wanna-be Rocky music happening. It’s hurting my brain. Then everyone starts running and it makes me just want to drink more wine. Jonathan, Heather’s husband – who was apparently allowed to retrieve his balls and join the race – takes off like a man who was just at a baby shower solo. Heather and Josh lag behind but are keeping up. Kristen, well, she gets winded and fakes a leg cramp after about 30 seconds. Her husband keeps on keeping on, which does not please her… at all. It’s the hardest thing she’s ever done in her life and now she has to do it alone. The hardest thing in your life? Damn, quite a nice life you got going there if that’s the worst of it. And now there’s barbed wire, which is very dangerous since she’s a model. Somehow if Heather & Josh were right there with her it would be less dangerous. Sigh, I want to like her but she’s really got to stop complaining about bullshit. That’s one seriously charmed life. Be thankful for it. Heather’s husband took off without her too, and she’s managed to not have a breakdown.
The crew finishes and goes back to find Kristen along the way. The cheer her into the finish line, and she’s all smiles until her husband tries to congratulate her. Then it’s tears again and her yelling at her husband to get the eff off of her. OMG, what a baby! Her husband isn’t having it either. He thinks she should embrace the fact that she did something she didn’t think she could do. Exactly. So utterly ridiculous. She should have stayed home and let the nanny change her diaper.
Rachel: I really wanted to like Kristen but it doesn’t look like it’s happening. Granted, I still rather watch her than Aviva any day of the week.