One Sentence Summary: We are finally released from the pain that is Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor
Rachel: I’m already yawning and this hasn’t even started. There is no part of me that thinks this is actually going to be the most controversial finale in Bachelor history. Unless Juan Pablo asks them both to marry him, move to Utah and star in the Latin version of Sister Wives, I’m pretty sure we’ve seen it all before. There will be tears and heartbreak and really long, boring dates. That I am sure of. Controversy, however? To quote Juan Pablo, “Mmm.” But the upside to all of this is that we can finally free ourselves of this train wreck and move along to more important things, like watching Dancing With The Stars try every desperate move they can to salvage the show. I’m thinking finding an actual star to be on the show would have been a good first move. But we’re not here to discuss the American Idol of dancing shows. We’re here to discuss The Bachelor, the show that thinks 25 women fighting over a man is the recipe for true love. Let’s do it already. I’ve popped champers for the occasion.
I’ll Be Your Daddy
Rachel: It’s time for the girls to meet Juan Pablo’s family. Well, Nikki already met the family so it’s a re-meet for her. Oh my bad, it’s actually time for the live audience and Chris Harrison to waste my time with crap I don’t care about like what’s going to happen tonight & what also-rans are in the studio audience. Seriously dude, either find new things to talk about or let us just watch the show. We may be dumb enough to waste 3 solid hours of our life on this, but we are smart enough to figure out how this all works.
Finally, we start the show. Clare is first up to meet Juan Pablo’s family. He is excited to see her – as always – and mentions his physical attraction to her – as always. Yeah, we know. Too bad she doesn’t quite get that that’s why she’s still around. Then again, that might be about as deep as our boy goes, so maybe it is enough. She is also excited – because the writers have run out of words – to see him and meet his family. She puts on her best pageant smile and in she goes. Seriously, this girl is always “on”. I feel like she has carefully crafted a persona for herself that isn’t actually real. Hence the lip licks and head flicks before, during and after every answer.
Nelly, Juan Pablo’s mom, and Clare step away from lunch to talk. Clare more than likes him. She thinks he sees her for who she is and that’s important. She asks Mom if there’s anything she should know that he wouldn’t tell her. Nelly says that he is hyperactive and sometimes can be very rude. Clare takes up for him by saying it’s just his honesty and he isn’t trying to hurt her. Honey, listen to mama. She just told you her son is rude. She probably knows better than you. What’s the saying? Oh yeah, mother knows best. Clare somehow finds this a comforting conversation. She is a banana.
Juan Pablo’s cousin, Rudolfo, is up next. Clare is definitely falling in love with Juan Pablo, but will only say it if she feels it. Rudolfo says that Juan Pablo has a tendency to walk away from relationships when they get tough. Well, there’s a ringing endorsement. Clare says she will do anything in the world to fight for love. Yes, including letting a guy treating you like shit. Nice try, Rudolfo.
Rudolfo and Juan Pablo have a post-mortem. Rudolfo says that Clare is really in love and is really ready for marriage. Really really… really ready. Juan Pablo is aware. Rudolfo tells him to go for it if he feels that one of these women is meant for him. Juan Pablo, as usual, gives us nothing.
So, we move on to Clare and Saul, Juan Pablo’s dad. He thinks she’s a nice and mature girl. His door is open for her to be part of the family and he will be a father to her always. Aw, that was really nice. How does Juan Pablo have such kind, loving parents and he’s so… him? I’m pretty sure that declaration just put Clare into hyperdrive to get into this family.
As she gets set to leave, she tells Juan Pablo that she knows he was raised right. She loves how he talks about his family. She’s really happy. Per usual, he says nothing and just makes out with her. She is fine with that because it just gives her one more chance to pull that weird sex kitten act she loves so much. I seriously couldn’t be happier that I never have to watch that again come 11pm EDT.
We’re back in the live audience and Chris is taking a poll to see who they think Juan Pablo is going to pick. Clare gets a smattering of applause. Nikki gets a few more plus some whoops, and yet Chris thinks it’s split evenly. Thanks for that insight. Time for Nikki.
Nikki arrives and we do the usual pleasantries with the family. Then it’s time for Saul to get some time with her. He wants to know what she thinks about Juan Pablo being a single father. She says it’s made him who he is today and she wants to have a relationship with Camilla as well. Dad says his son is not an easy guy and is someone that is always right. Nikki says Juan Pablo has said he’s stubborn. Yeah, I’m not sure stubborn is the right word. Nikki’s ready though. Saul agrees and thinks she can handle Juan Pablo.
Mom is next and Nikki tells her that her son is so full of love. Nelly says he’s a simple guy and she is pretty sure he is ready for this. Pretty sure? These are not exactly ringing endorsements for a long and harmonious life with Juan Pablo. These girls should be scared.
Rudolfo’s turn and Nikki tells him that she’s in love with Juan Pablo. He fills in all the things that were missing in past relationships. Really? What the hell kind of relationships were you in before this? He wants to know how much Nikki can take because, again, Juan Pablo bails on relationships when things are rough. She’s not scared about that. Girl, you should be. Rudolfo has tried twice to warn the ladies and failed twice. So, he wishes her luck and sends her on her way.
Juan Pablo and Nikki chat about the day and he is so clearly more smitten with Nikki than Clare… He genuinely speaks to her. I mean as much as he actually can be. He doesn’t just wait for her to stop talking so he can make out with her… though he does manage to do that a lot.
Back to the studio and Chris wastes more time asking Catherine – as in Catherine & Sean – what she thinks. Listen, if you’re going to bring the also-rans out, can we have some airtime for Ari. Why make him just sit there filling a seat when he could be filling up my screen with his Vinnie Barbarino cuteness? But no, that would take away from Chris doing his hosting duties and openly disliking Juan Pablo. Clearly, they did not hit the BFF train on this run.
Aw crap, I forgot there was another date we have to sit through. First up, Clare and a helicopter. Off they go to see St. Lucia from the air. She’s ready to be engaged. He’s ready to see if he likes her a lot. He does know that she’s hot, sexy and ai yi yi. I wonder if that is better than mm. There’s nothing but love in the air until the mics are shut off and Juan Pablo whispers a not-so-sweet nothing in her ear. From what I can piece together from her mini thought bursts is that he basically told her that he doesn’t know her but he sure likes hooking up with her… and I use the term “hooking up” loosely. She ain’t happy. Maybe she got him all wrong. Maybe he’s just interested in her physically. Ya think?
It’s time for the evening portion of events, but Clare isn’t feeling it. She’s crying and wondering if she’s going to stay. Honey, you’re going to stay. We know it and you know it. He told you that he’s physically attracted to you, but he still needs to get to know you better. You get to decide if that’s enough for you and I have a feeling it is. She says she doesn’t want another relationship that’s all about the physical, but I’m thinking she hasn’t exactly been communicated super well. I’m not blaming her people! Don’t yell at me. I’m just blaming her… a little. Dr. Phil says we show people how we want to be treated. She’s shown him that she’s a Good Time Sally. And yes, I just said Good Time Sally. I live in South Florida around a lot of old people. Some stuff just creeps in.
Juan Pablo arrives thinking he’s walking into another night of Grab The Salami, but gets the cold shoulder. She tells him that what he said upset her. He says that he said he doesn’t know her enough, but he doesn’t need the physical. Riiiight. She wants so much more than that. He says that he’s being honest and maybe there are things about her he doesn’t like and vice versa. He’s telling her how he feels. He could say things to just make her feel good but that’s not honest. Well, that’s true. I mean he’s handing her the truth… granted, it’s served cold, on a silver platter… but it’s honest. Remember, that’s what you like so much about him. She has the freedom to accept it or not. No one’s making her stay. Ask Sharleen and Andi. Plus, she’ll save us like a whole hour if she bails out. Go! Run! Be gone!
The conversation continues to go in circles. She wants assurance. He isn’t going to make any promises to her. She just doesn’t want to be all about the kissing. He reminds her that she was the one that instituted the no kissing rule and she’s also the one that broke it. God he is so condescending when he says that. He apparently is tired of hearing her talk, so he tells her the things that he likes about her. It’s not just physical. However, a proposal for him and his daughter is huge. He just doesn’t know if he’s ready to propose. And the ice caps start to melt. He senses the thaw and continues… She’s there because he wants her to be here. If he chooses her, they will have a baby in a year. He feels great about her. Ice caps melted and the kissing has returned. And if there was any doubt left, he erases it by playing the song they heard on their first date. Man, she collapsed easier than a cheap lawn chair. I hope she realizes that he promised her exactly zero things tonight, but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t.
Nikki arrives for her date in a bikini… Oh sorry, there’s also a scarf around her hips. Granted if I had that body, I’d be walking around half-naked constantly too. Maybe if I put down the chocolate almonds, I’d stand a chance. Off they go on a catamaran and chat about his family. She thinks Juan Pablo might be a little guarded. He doesn’t think so. He’ll open up when he feels it. This doesn’t help Nikki feel better, and yet she is confident in their relationship. Oh, ladies…
They hit the beach and talk about what he’ll do when he’s home alone after the show. He says watching TV and hanging out is his thing. I believe this is his version of opening up. Yeah, it’s not going to get much deeper than this. The guy isn’t exactly Shakespeare and he’s so clearly not comfortable talking about his feelings, because he has talked about them exactly not at all this season. If that is something you need in a relationship, you might need to hit up Match.com instead.
Time for them to hang out in Nikki’s room and talk some more. She’s scared and excited at the same time. She knows how she feels about him and when she’s with him, but he hasn’t said he loves her back. And he ain’t gonna. Did abc even interview him before they chose him? She gives him a picture of their date on the horses and a card she wrote about her feelings. Listening to him read out loud is slightly painful. She signs it by saying she loves him. He accepts it by kissing her. Then he leaves and another girl is brought to tears by Juan Pablo. I’m assuming hers are out of nerves, but who actually knows for sure.
Rose Ceremony Part I
Interestingly we see Juan Pablo with his Neil Lane ring, but we don’t get any of the excitement of him picking it out and hearing how he can’t wait to tell the girl he chooses that he’s in love with her. Gee, I wonder why. Oh yeah, because he isn’t in love with either. You know, I kinda can’t be mad at that really. I mean I’d much rather a dude not say he loves me and mean it than say he loves me and not mean it. That’s way worse. And PS – some people need more than 4 dates and 8 weeks to fall in love. Oh, and they also need to not be dating a couple dozen other people.
Time for the final rose ceremony. Hallelujah! The girls head off to meet him and first up is…
Clare. Oh she’s going to go apoplectic when she gets rejected. Juan Pablo is waiting at the final rose and looks like he’s going to puke. Yeah, she’s convinced it’s her, because he didn’t have any doubts the other night. Are you insane? That was one long, giant, noncommittal pile of doubt he dropped at your feet. How did you miss it? She says she nervous. He says it’s ok, naturally. He’s nervous too. She launches into her speech about what a special relationship they have and how she believes in him. He starts talking about how unbelievable she is, but he wishes the earth sucked him today because this is the hardest decision ever. LOL… yeah, I wish the earth sucked me a few times myself. But while I’m laughing at that, it’s starting to dawn on Clare that she is getting bounced. He has to do what’s best for him and say goodbye to her.
He goes to hug her and she pushes him away. The audience goes wild. Why? Oh right, because the shine has worn off of our Latin Lover. Clare’s mad because he had the opportunity to tell her the night before but he didn’t. Uh yeah, because that’s what today is for. He told her all these things that made her believe in him. She saved this moment for the man of her dreams. He should have told her he wasn’t feeling it like Sharleen and Andi did for him. Pretty sure he just told you. Did you not read the rules when you signed up? This is how the game gets played. And make no mistake, this is a game. He tries to explain himself but she’s not interested and bolts. Oh first she tells him that she’d never want a father for her children like him. Juan Pablo thinks ees okay. With that, she’s gone and he is openly glad he didn’t choose her. I’m still confused why the audience is clapping for Clare. That was not strength. That was bitter. Strength would have been gone last night, if not before that. Listen, getting blindsided like that hurts like hell. I’m not saying it’s easy. I had it happen to me recently. Nothing feels good about it, but he was never her boyfriend and she was never promised a happy ending. Sorry. It may be cold, but it is true.
Rose Ceremony Part II
Well, Juan Pablo doesn’t look like he’s overly excited at the arrival of Nikki either. Perhaps he’s going to pull a Womack and diss both chicks. But then that wouldn’t be the most controversial ending ever. Oh right, it never is the most exciting, dramatic or controversial. It just gives Chris something to do. She looks amazing, regardless of how it goes.
As expected, Nikki talks first and babbles on about how happy she is and how she has never felt like this before… yada yada yada. You know the drill. He loves so many things about her. I think that is the closest to “I love you” she’s going to get. He loves how much she cares about people and he can see her stepping up for Camilla. Her dad told him that he needs to be 100% sure if he’s going to propose. He’s not 100% sure that he wants to propose but he is 100% sure that he doesn’t want to let her go. Can someone run up and dab her upper lip? We have a sweat situation going on. Anyway, she accepts his final rose and I guess we’re all happy. Well, it’s over so that makes me happy.
As for the most controversial finale ever…. Um, no. Maybe the most unromantic finale ever. Usually I’m pretending someone’s cutting onions in my vicinity when the last rose is handed out. Tonight I’m just searching for the bottle.
After The Final Rose
OK, I’m exhausted so I am powering through this faster than ever because I’m ready to be done. So, let’s see…
Clare is still pissed. She should have listened to her gut. She has nothing to say to him. She doesn’t need to confront him because she said what she need to say in St. Lucia. That was all the closure she needed, so she’ll just go on her merry lip-licking way.
But Chris is going to get Juan Pablo’s side because that’s only fair. He comes out to some pretty paltry applause. He made the decision that is right for him. It was tough for him but this was what is good for him. Does he regret anything yet? He doesn’t and he’s not happy that Chris interrupted him while he was speaking. Yeah, these two clearly do not like each other. But Juan Pablo says we only saw like 20 hours of 600 filmed hours. It’s hard to be judged when we are not seeing everything. We’re seeing enough. Trust. What about the comment that upset her on the helicopter? He says it was a private conversation and he respects what she has to say about it, but he has nothing to say on the subject, nor does he have anything bad to say about her. So no regrets.
Nikki is up and she is happily still with Juan Pablo. No, they are not engaged, but that’s okay. He also still hasn’t said he loves her. Kinda okay. They express things differently. He’s honest, and if he weren’t invested, he wouldn’t be with her. Chris keeps pressing the love issue. Does he get a bonus if he gets Juan Pablo to say the L word? She says that she’s happy and that’s what should matter most. Not to abc!
Juan Pablo and Nikki are reunited. He thinks they are doing great and happy to be out in the open. Chris wants to know about Juan Pablo’s big surprise for tonight. He has no clue what Chris is talking about. LOL… so much for that ratings boon. Juan Pablo’s ready for them to be private and have their relationship to themselves. He says he feels great about Nikki and he shows her how he feels. “So you love her?”, asks Chris. He’s not going to answer. If he’s not ready to say it, he’s not going to say it. Fair enough. Oh sorry, clearly it’s not fair because Chris has now asked 17 more times making everyone uncomfortable. STFU, Chris. He doesn’t feel comfortable saying the word “love” at this point, so don’t force him. Then he turns to Sean to get some more love conversation going. I feel really badly for Nikki. How shitty is this for her? She’s happy, but that isn’t good enough for Chris. Apparently, he needs some big, slobbery display to feel complete, since you know, this is all about him.
Officially, Chris Harrison is the biggest dick on that stage tonight. Who knew that was possible? He wants to say they’re in love but he can’t. No, you can’t. LET IT GOOOOO!!!! Nikki says the show isn’t realistic. It’s a fairy tale, but it’s not realistic. He has a daughter and they are doing what’s best for them, not the show. Preach, girl. But Chris isn’t done, so he asks Catherine, in front of Nikki, if she’d be happy if she were Nikki? That is just douchebaggery. Catherine says don’t slap the hand that feeds you. I think it’s bite but I get you. But um, Juan Pablo just said he’s grateful for the chance to meet Nikki. I am ready to punch Chris in the head. This would be the first time I am rooting for Juan Pablo. Finally, we are done and end with Chris being sanctimonious because he doesn’t get their relationship. Those in glass houses… And wasn’t he the one that said that Chris and Des “probably won’t make it down the aisle”? Yeah, me thinks so.
Anyway, Andi is the new bachelorette – shocking to no one – and is dressed like a disco ball. Then we get to go on a COPS-like montage so we know how dangerous her job is, which shows she’s tough. Welcome to next season’s running theme.
Rachel: It’s over!!!!! All is right with the world again!!!!