One Sentence Summary: Juan Pablo’s magic doesn’t work in the Fantasy Suite for one woman.
Rachel: Sweet Fancy Moses on buttered toast, were those hometown dates boring or what? I could have written my post without having even watched the show. The previews pretty much told the whole story. Did anyone see the rose ceremony going a different way? I’m thinking no. Andi’s dad was worth the watch, I will say that. But the rest… The rest could be used as a torture device. And now I’m being told that tonight I will be shocked by what goes down in the Fantasy Suite. I’m telling you right now, abc, you better not disappoint me. I will do nothing but make veiled threats and bitch a lot if you do, but I would really appreciate it if you didn’t. OK, let’s do it.
Rachel: We’re back to deep thoughts in St. Lucia. I’d like to have some deep thoughts there. That’s ridiculously gorgeous. Juan Pablo is excited for the overnights, because he can talk about all the things he wants to talk about with no cameras. Yeah, that’s why you’re excited: talking. wink wink
Clare is first up and she can’t believe it’s finally her turn to fall in love. She’s no longer on the outside looking in. Oh honey, you’re not in yet. Don’t get too ahead of yourself. But she’s so excited to spend all day together with Juan Pablo… and maybe all night. She’s been going back and forth about the night portion of events in her head. Sure ya have. As she tells us this, they roll up to the yacht that they’ll be hanging out on all day. Thinking a little more about that Fantasy Suite now that you’re out of the dinghy, eh?
But lest we think that Clare isn’t sincere in her concern about spending the night with Juan Pablo, we have to hear spew more BS about her respecting his boundaries when it comes to his daughter. It really made an impact on her when they had their “conversation” back in Vietnam how important those boundaries are to him. Yeah, would love to see your face while you were watching this at home on playback.
She wants to know how he felt about her family and Sacramento. He liked her family and says that they weren’t too hard on him. He realizes that her being tense was because she was worried about her sister Laura, who kept saying it’s a TV show so it’s not real. Man, let me tell you if Clare isn’t the last girl standing, she is going to have sit through some painful family dinners with Laura looking like the cat that ate the canary. Clare plans to tell Juan Pablo tonight that she’s falling in love with him. But first they have to jump off a yacht into the crystal blue water because we’ve never seen this before. Yawn.
Time for dinner and lots of Clare making faces and lip licking. They’re killing me here. Seriously it’s on overdrive tonight and the shoulder shrugging is new. She wants to know if things work out with them, is it weird that she will want to meet Camilla? Is that a real question? Do you think he’s going to hide you in the basement? She’s really worried about being perceived as the evil stepmom. She wants Camilla to know that this is just added love. Is Clare drunk? Her behavior reminds me of the episode of Sex & The City where Miranda drinks too much and gets a little overly impressed with herself on the date with the cop. It’s just too… too.
Juan Pablo has had enough of the talking as well, and pulls out the Fantasy Suite card. There’s some fake hesitation and Clare tells him that she wants to make sure that she is taking Camilla into consideration. It matters to her that it matters to him. Yeah, so that’s a question. Based on their previous conversations about appropriate behavior, how is this acceptable? OH, because he wants to do it this time. Well color me shocked. Clare is accepting his offer. I did not see that coming.
Time to talk about things since that’s why we’re in the Fantasy Suite… So, let’s talk…. Any time… Oh sorry, Clare’s thinking right now. Pretty sure we don’t need to be present for her thinking. She finally speaks and says she’s loving falling in love with him. His response is to make out. This is really awkward. Can we get to the no camera part of this? She tells him that he doesn’t have to say anything back… He’s very thrilled about that, because he wasn’t planning on it. We’ll pretend it’s because contractually he can’t. He has melted her ice cold heart. Interestingly, he’s made mine totally frost up. Now we’re in the hot tub. Barf.
The next day, as he moons over spending the night “talking” with Clare, he meets up with Andi. I know this is not the first time we’re doing the Fantasy Suite thing, but it feels just a little dirtier this time around. Just me? He’s excited to see Andi because she’s so easy going and fun. They head off to the seafood festival and ask the band if they can play the steel drums. Her lack of rhythm doesn’t help her here. They get some food and sit with some local kids. He gets juice for some local kids, because apparently abc think they should use the “needy” locals to entertain us and show what a great dad he is. Now it’s a pick-up soccer game because we haven’t had enough ab shots this episode. Ack, he’s sweaty. Please take this land buggy you’re in to the water immediately. It’s a shame that this is all going to go pear-shaped, because I like her. Then again, I think she’ll be our next bachelorette and get to pick someone much cooler. They park the buggy and waterfall number two is waiting for them.
She asks about him meeting her family. He doesn’t give much up. Her sister asked a lot of questions. Mom was easy. And dad… Juan Pablo actually liked what dad had to say about him dating other women and how he will only give his blessing when Andi is the only woman in his life. Well, color me impressed that he actually got it. Another one-piece for Andi, but this isn’t working quite as well as the black one. But I guess it works if you’re sitting under a waterfall for an hour.
Nightfall is upon us. They head to dinner and he wants to know what she meant on her hometown when she told him she wanted to fall in love badly; like she was forcing herself to fall for him. Forcing things turns out badly. She says it’s different to want something badly than to force it. She says that because he has a child she would never force it no matter how badly she wants it. It’s serious to her, even though she may overthink it a little bit. She’s glad he listened to her. He says that he listens all the time because this is his life. He doesn’t want to make a mistake and regret it later. She wonders about things too like does he think she can be a good mother? He doesn’t know if she will be a good mother but she fits into his life now. Wow, this is an actual real conversation. But before we can get deeper – literally and euphemistically – Andi has to decide if she’s going to the Fantasy Suite. If he’s serious about this, then yes, she’ll join him. He’s serious and ready for the questions.
This looks like the exact same date as Clare’s. Same couch, same toast, same champagne glasses. Then not so much talking. And that’s all we get.
Juan Pablo wakes up happy about his date with Andi. They talked and laughed for hours. He is surprised by how much he feels for her. He just likes how she is… And then there’s Andi, who was apparently on a different date. She couldn’t wait to get out of the Suite this morning, because she saw a side to him she didn’t really like. The whole night was a disaster. Say what? She hopes he doesn’t think that went well. Um, news flash. She realized that he doesn’t care about who she is or what she wants in life. It’s all about him. Ya think? Welcome to the party. Sadly, she’s the only girl that gets it.
Things Andi doesn’t like about Juan Pablo: The name dropping. The talking about Clare’s Fantasy Suite date. The endless talking about himself. Yeah, I don’t blame her for being annoyed about that. No girl wants to hear about another woman; especially when they’re also currently dating him. It’s important for her to be with a guy that loves her more than he loves himself. Oh daddy is going to be jumping for joy. She just knows it’s not going to work. Welcome to why this process is bullshit. Spare one Fantasy Suite date, you don’t get to know the person you’re “in love with” until after you’ve accepted a ring. That’s why there have been 26 Bachelor/Bachelorettes and only 4 marriages. I have a feeling Juan Pablo won’t make that 5.
I Love Love
But we’ll hold please on that conversation because it’s time for Nikki’s date. What the hell is she wearing? I didn’t realize Pocahontas chic made the runways at Fashion Week this year. They start their date with a horse ride and I’m thinking that horse better not manage more than a trot or we’re going to have a wardrobe malfunction. Of course Juan Pablo would like that because Nikki is so sexy and “mm”. Yes, the “mm” is back. She thinks he’s a great guy and a great dad and a great guy for her. So he’s great? She’s ready for all this and trying not to pull back because of the fear of getting hurt.
It’s Nikki’s turn for dinner on a couch. Another conversation about how much she’s thinking and him wondering what he can do to get to the kissing portion of events. She wonders if he has doubts about her being ready for this. No, he just wanted to know what she was thinking. He has to make a decision soon, so this time is important. And here is the Fantasy Suite card. She says yes, naturally.
Juan Pablo thinks that Nikki can be a good partner for him for life because she’s honest, sexy, pretty and cares about people. Yes, heaven forbid you marry a pig. And we’re back to the couch. Man, I hope they steam clean that shit between women. No champagne toast? This night means a lot to her. She wouldn’t be here if she didn’t feel the way she does and…. she loves him. It’s hard for her to say but he probably already knew that. Kissing. Lots of kissing. Yeah, I don’t think he actually cares. With that, we get the lights out shot from outside the room. These have not been the most shocking Fantasy Suite dates ever. I’m coming for you, Chris Harrison, if this doesn’t get turned up a few notches.
It’s Not OK
Time for Chris Harrison and Juan Pablo to chat and dig into the psychology of it all. Juan Pablo doesn’t know what to do and is afraid he’ll send home someone he’ll regret. I have a feeling you won’t be making that decision tonight, hombre. But Juan Pablo feels good about the girls. He likes them. Chris wants to know what “feels good about these girls” means? And also when he says he “likes” someone, it doesn’t sound like his feelings are that deep. No, that’s not it. He’s feeling very good about these women. Again, with the good. Well, that was a great chat. Yes, we really learned a lot about what he’s thinking. So let’s move on to the personal videos.
First up, Nikki. She’s happy and excited and loved meeting his family. Blah blah… She can’t wait to see what the future holds. Clare feels the chemistry and has just fallen in love. She can’t wait to see where this goes. Andi is next… She went from having a crush to having real feelings. She remembers him telling her in Vietnam to trust him. After the Fantasy Suite date she woke up with a ton of feelings and thoughts. She realized that she wanted to share those thoughts but not on a video message. And here she comes in white shorts which is apparently the break-up uniform as I believe that is also what Sharleen was wearing.
As she dramatically climbs the hill, she tells us again why she doesn’t want to be with him. She is upset because he doesn’t take this seriously and not once did he ask anything about her. When she tried to talk to him, he responded with kisses. Wait, are you trying to tell me Juan Pablo isn’t deep? I don’t believe it! He’s had such deep moments with…. um…. oh. Yeah, dude is about as deep as the kiddie pool and about as contaminated as one too. The only thing shocking about that revelation is that it too you 8 weeks to get it.
Andi finally reaches Juan Pablo and he’s happy to see her. That ain’t gonna last, son. She starts out on the positive about finding love and feeling giddy with him. However, the Fantasy Suite gave her pause. She realized that she isn’t in love with him and wasn’t ever going to be. It’s hard but it’s the truth. He is OK with that because what’s meant to be will be. He’s glad she’s telling him how she feels. Instead of being happy he let her off the hook with no drama, she says that she doesn’t think it should be OK. Oh honey, no. Don’t go there. He’s making it easy on you. Be thankful. Be a lady. Be gone. This is not a court of law. It’s not even Judge Judy. You don’t need to prove anything beyond a reasonable doubt.
He says that he can’t force her to feel something and can’t force something that’s not there. It’s her decision, not his. He respects her as a woman and a person, but it’s OK. He won’t die, but it is sad. That doesn’t seem real to her because everything is OK to him. What did she think was going to happen here? He’d promise to change his ways and beg her to stay? Ahhh… that’s what she was going for, wasn’t it? But she’s going to hammer this all the way home.
She didn’t need to know about the overnight with Clare. And she didn’t like that he joked with her about being there by default. That’s hurtful. He told her it was between her & Renee, and she was there by default. He says that he doesn’t even know the word default. He said that she barely made it here. Dude, that’s not better. She thinks it’s offensive. He thinks it’s honest. He had doubts in Atlanta but he thought about it and he brought her here. She tells him that there’s a difference between being honest and being an asshole. Amen sister. I have been on the receiving end of someone that didn’t know the difference. It suuuucks. But we’ve established that he’s an asshole, so why are you even bothering?
She asks him if he knows what religion she is, what her politics are, how she wants to raise kids? Nope. He doesn’t. Have I mentioned that this is why this show is bullshit. How can you be in love with someone if you don’t even know what they think????? He tries to turn it back on her and asks her what his religion is. She says Catholic. Boom. Point, set, match, Andi. Can you go now?
Seriously, go already. You’re wasting your time. Honey, he’s not deep. His requirements for a wife are hot, sexy and mm. I actually feel badly for him right now because she’s just coming at him from all sides. She needs to stop yelling at him for saying “OK” too. Listen, she 100% entitled to her feelings and she’s probably 100% right about them, but here’s the deal: this is dating. You aren’t into a dude, bail. And to serve back her own truth: there’s a difference between being honest and being an asshole. She’s bordering on asshole here. And I say this being a huge Andi fan and a huge Juan Pablo hater. Amazingly, he maintains his cool and says that he likes that she’s authentic and respects her. And finally realizing she’s not going to get a rise out of him, she’s out. He wishes she would have just said it wasn’t going to work, because then he would have been sad. But the arguments just made him disappointed.
Well this should be a short rose ceremony.
Oh Clare no. That dress is not good. You look like a good ‘n plenty. Anywho, now that Andi is gone, it’s down to the arch enemies, neither of whom apparently give a shit about depth. Chris shows up and tells them that Andi is no longer there, but Juan Pablo will explain what happened. Thanks for that, Chris. Juan Pablo says that Andi told him that she didn’t have strong feelings for him and wanted to go home. Obviously, it hurts but he cannot force someone to like him or spend the rest of their lives with him. He encourages the girls to talk to him about their feelings if they have concerns. There are two roses and two of them. They don’t have to accept the roses and he will understand. With that, he hands out the roses to Nikki first and Clare second. They both accept. I felt like I had to say that.
Rachel: Yeah, there’s no saving this season, but I do think the reunion next week should be a big bag of angry women. That’s always fun… Well, unless it’s Housewives show.