One Sentence Summary: Juan Pablo makes his way through four hometown dates without having one meaningful conversation.
Rachel: And so begins night one of two long nights of Bachelor fun. I don’t even have any energy left to think about what is going to go down. They are promising the most shocking Fantasy Suite dates in Bachelor history. But considering that they say this every week, I’m feeling a little boy-that-cried-drama scenario here and think Chris Harrison should start dressing like a little shepherd boy. That actually might make this more entertaining. Too bad I think he’s over Juan Pablo also seeing as how he skipped out on the final rose announcement last week and made us count to one all by ourselves. Thankfully, I had one giant glass of wine with me. Sweet sweet comfort. Alright, let’s go.
Rachel: What??? No deep thoughts tonight? You’re just going to throw me in without a life vest? Fine. Be that way. My wine bottle floats so I don’t need no stinkin’ life vest. It seems I probably don’t need any more wine either, but that’s never stopped me. Where were we… Oh yeah, hometowns.
We start with Nikki in Kansas City and her literally running into Juan Pablo’s arms at his arrival. Maybe that’s why I’m still single. I have never run through a park to jump into my man’s arms after not seeing him for 2 days. Yeah yeah, tell it to a shrink. Nikki’s wondering if Juan Pablo has any cowboy in him, so she takes him for some BBQ. Damn, that looks tasty. He loves the BBQ and I love the midwestern folk in their non-ironic trucker hats suspiciously eyeing up the fer’ner.
Next up, mechanical bull riding. Yes, now that he’s stuffed with meats and beans, let’s get tossed around on a bull! They give him the baby version of the ride and he manages to stay in the saddle. You know, the speed they use to make girls’ boobs shake. The operator has had enough and turns it up to 11 sending Juan Pablo to the mat. Nikki’s turn but she wants Juan Pablo on the bull with her. This time we start off rough so that we can get to the kissing when they hit the mat. Nikki really wants to tell Juan Pablo that she loves him, but is having a hard time getting out the words. She doesn’t know why she is having such a hard time. Oh, I don’t know… Maybe because you’ve only known him for 3 weeks and there’s zero chance of him saying it back to you? Or that there are 3 other girls saying it? Or that he’s lame?
Time to meet the ‘rents and holy manse! That house is no joke. And as my good friend pointed out, he shows up with a bouquet of gas station flowers. C’mon abc, you had to scope that out and know that wasn’t going to cut it. Jesus, the fire place in the dining room is better than my bedroom.
I’m pretty sure there was zero food consumed before it was time for the mother-daughter chat. Nikki tells mom that it’s so normal and comfortable with Juan Pablo. She’s waiting for the right moment to say she loves him. Mom doesn’t seem sold – Who can blame her? – but she supports her daughter and figures dad will scare the shit out of him anyway. However, dad is happy that Juan Pablo has the maturity to know what a father would be going through in this situation. Uh, I wouldn’t say that, necessarily. Juan Pablo tells dad that he loves Nikki’s honesty and how easy it is with her. Dad also doesn’t seem 100% sold but says that he trusts his daughter and just asks that Juan Pablo not propose if it’s not there. So yeah, there was a lot of “We trust Nikki” coming from mom & dad, which I’m pretty sure translates to “This is a whole lot of BS.” Dad talks to Nikki next. She can’t put her finger on what it is, but she just knows that it works. She has been shown love of family and feels like she has love to give. He tells her again that he trusts her. I would love to be a fly on that wall as the two lovebirds leave the estate. I’m sure dad’s thinking, don’t let the giant gates hit you in the ass on the way out.
Andi’s up next and it’s off to Atlanta we go. Juan Pablo tells us that Andi is so “mm”. Oh, there are the deep thoughts I was missing from the opening scene. Now it’s Andi’s turn to test Juan Pablo, so she takes him to the shooting range to see how tough he is. He’s pretty excited about it and she’s loving making him a little uncomfortable. Push buttons, lady. Push buttons. Holy assault rifle, girl! Is that a hint about the kind of fire power your require? The fact that, at the same time, he is holding a tiny handgun is not lost on me. Andi says that he has to hit the bullseye to get to go home with her. He finally shoots a one, and let’s just say that it didn’t come easy.
Time to meet the family, and let’s just say that dad is not exactly overjoyed to meet Juan Pablo. I already love dad. Andi & Juan Pablo tell stories about their travels and how Andi didn’t get a one-on-one until there were only 8 girls left. Dad isn’t any more impressed now than he was when this joker walked in the door. I think Juan Pablo is feeling the pressure, because daddy isn’t giving an inch. He thinks they’re just infatuated with each other and knows Juan Pablo is probably infatuated with the other three girls too. Mighty fine point there, sir. Did Juan Pablo just say that he can’t be concerned with Andi’s dad’s feelings about him. Um, I think you might have to be concerned about that. He’s eaten steaks bigger than you. And where do you think she learned to shoot a gun like that?
Luckily for Andi, mom gets Juan Pablo first. She wants to know what he sees in Andi? Beauty, brains and her quickness. Don’t forget the “mm”! Mom wants to see him dance, but he would prefer Andi be his partner. Yeah, no need to upset dad any further. Wow, she is a really terrible dancer.
But the fun and games are over because it’s daddy time. He wants to know why Juan Pablo chose to go on the show? He says so that people will know who he is, that he has a daughter and that he has a family. Say what? Do you maybe want to throw in that you went on to find love? You know something that isn’t about your ego? No? OK, then. Juan Pablo wants to know if Andi’s father will accept him and his daughter into the family. Dad hasn’t answered yet, but I’m already laughing. Dad tells us that he doesn’t wish Juan Pablo ill will, but with Andi, it’s an issue of finding someone good enough for her. He tells Juan Pablo to think about it from his perspective since he’s a father too. Reverse roles for a moment. If someone came to Juan Pablo, said they were dating three other people and then said “If I do, will you?”, what would his response be? Juan Pablo just looks confused. Doesn’t dad know that Juan Pablo only looks at things from his perspective? Ultimately, dad won’t answer the question, because the person that comes to him for his daughter will say there is no one else. ROCK ON, DAD! Love this guy!
Inside, Andi & her sister talk about how hot he is but also how she needs to dig deeper with Juan Pablo. Sis doesn’t know if she sees him with Andi. She doesn’t want to be the Debby Downer, but she hasn’t heard her sister say this is the one, so she can’t say she knows. Smart sister too. Liking Andi’s family. Can I come hang out?
Dad sits with Andi and tells her that he’s concerned about things evolving too quickly. She says that she’s still figuring it out and she’ll deal with it if he doesn’t choose her. Seriously, Andi’s dad is the best Bachelor dad ever. Hands down. Even in that burnt sienna shirt. Dude, no one played with that crayon for a reason.
Next up, Renee in Sarasota, Florida. She is excited to be home and can’t wait to see her son. I can’t believe that she’s back in town and they haven’t let her see her kid. Oh right, first we have to see Juan Pablo and then her kid. Maybe give her a minute to reunite and spend some time with her son? Oh no, that would be so anti-climatic. She finally gets to see Ben and it’s very sweet. She’s really too good for Juan Pablo. I’m sorry but it’s true. He gives Renee a minute with her kid and then introduces himself. What’s with the shoulder squeeze, dude? The kid looks like he wants to be anywhere else, like playing his baseball game without a camera shoved in his face. This is Juan Pablo’s first little league game and he can’t wait to have a son. So wait, he won’t hold a girl’s hand in front of his daughter, but he can put his arm around Renee in front of her kid? This dude is such a hypocrite… among other adjectives.
Time to meet mom, dad and brother. Renee is feeling disconnected from her kid and hopes this separation will have been worth it. While she puts Ben to bed, Juan Pablo talks to her brother. Juan Pablo says that Renee knows what she wants and he likes that. Bro agrees. And with that mom’s up. Well, that was deep. Juan Pablo likes that Renee doesn’t have to show off and is just who she is. Also deep. Man, they must really have been grasping at straws to make this edit work.
Mom grabs Renee before she comes downstairs so they can talk. Mom wants to see the sparkle in Renee’s eye and wants her to be happy more than anything. Renee says she’s totally, madly, crazy in love with Juan Pablo, but she hasn’t told him. Mom’s a bit nervous by that news.
Meanwhile, dad thinks Juan Pablo is a good guy and gets a good read. Need to check your detector there dad. He sees the glow on his daughter and he hasn’t seen it in a long time. Oh dad, I wish you could see coming what the rest of see coming.
For that matter, I wish Renee did too. But she walks Juan Pablo out and tells him how great the day was. There’s some kissing and some goofy smiling. She wants to say “I love you” but she can’t get it out of her mouth. She’s frustrated. Sweetie, pour yourself a scotch and don’t worry about it. I have a feeling you’ll be happy you didn’t. Sorry to say.
And finally, to Sacramento we go to meet Clare’s family. I can’t wait for the scary sister. But first they sit and spend time in a park that her daddy would take her to when she was a kid. She talks about his getting sick and how they had a daughter-father dance the week before he died since he wouldn’t live to see her get married. OK, that is killing me. I’m such a daddy’s girl and it breaks my heart to even think about that.
Time to meet the mom and ALL the sisters. Nice that they brought one dude along to cut the estrogen. Granted, I think Juan Pablo has as much as any girl in that room. Are they really talking about the swimming incident with her family? Yes, they are. Sister 1 (You know I can’t bother with names) takes her aside to talk about the situation. She’s happy for Clare but wants to know if she’d accept a proposal. Of course Clare would accept, but she has to make a whole drama out of it first. She says that her parents knew each other 3 weeks before they got engaged, and were married 30 years. So why can’t she and Juan Pablo be the same? Ah, because your parents are the exception to the rule. You and Juan Pablo are the rule. Also, probably because your father wasn’t a dick to your mom the way Juan Pablo was to you after the “swimming” episode.
Juan Pablo talks to two other sisters about her being his wife. He is here for a reason. At first it was a physical attraction with Clare, but now, every day, he’s more “mm”. What does that mean? I don’t think it’s a compliment about her personality or her brain? Really, that’s the best thing he can manage? Mm? But he wants his daughter to think of him the way Clare thinks of her dad. Well, then maybe find new adjectives for women outside of hot, sexy and mm.
Then it’s mom and sister Laura. She’s the scary sister so she gets a name. Clare starts gushing about Juan Pablo, but Laura isn’t interested in the flowery talk. She wants to know how hard it will be if he doesn’t choose her. Clare says it’s OK because of how strong she is … as she cries. Laura doesn’t think they’re in a place to give a blessing. She’s speaking for her and her mom, but Clare thinks mom can speak for herself. Clare is following her heart and it’s not because it’s a show. Clare wants them to trust her. She would be devastated if her family got in the way. Laura warns Clare about manipulating their mom. Clare says mom should speak for herself. Well, that would be great, except for the fact that no one is letting her get a word in. And with that, the conversation is over.
Juan Pablo is about to talk to get to speak with mom except that Laura jumps in again. Clare interjects and tells Laura to leave. Nope. Poor mom just gets bossed around. Juan Pablo tells Clare that it’s ok if he talks to Laura and she backs off. Yes, never go against the word of Juan Pablo. Laura says that they are very protective of Clare. He says that he is very family-oriented and he understands where they are coming from. With that, Laura feels comfortable leaving mom alone with the guy. Dammit Laura, I thought you had more than that in you. They speak Spanish to each other for a while. Oh, does she not speak English? Was that this issue? Nope, mom says, in English, that they are from a religious family and marriage is forever. Mom says that whatever he makes as his decision, she trusts will be the best thing. She welcomes him to the family, if that’s what he chooses. Well, that was easy. Why didn’t they just let mom speak? She has her total shit together! More than the rest of those bat shit crazies.
Rose ceremony time. Are they back in Miami? Ah yes. Juan Pablo says he is honored that they opened up their houses to him and this is very hard for him. Well, we know Renee is going home, right? I mean we already saw half the fantasy suite drama right in the previews and they barely showed a clip of her. So I think we’re all clear she is going home tonight. Or am I missing something?
Gets a rose: Nikki, Clare, Andi
Going home: Renee
Least suspenseful rose ceremony in Bachelor history.
What happened to not making the moms go through a rose ceremony? Another bullshit rule of his that only comes into play when it suits him. As he walks her out, she finally tells him that she loves him and that she’s OK because this has opened her eyes. He respects her and she’s so great. She is great. Too great for him. She can and will do so much better.
Rachel: The better bring the funk in a big way tomorrow because this was beyond boring!