One Sentence Summary: Brandi’s new scheme for attention – Take Down Lisa – goes into launch mode.
Rachel: And so it begins… The mob mentality is back and this time it’s Lisa that is being burned at the stake. I was really hoping Brandi was this year’s target, but turns out she’s this year’s mastermind. Fuck, I can’t stand her. You know I rarely drop an f-bomb up in here, so I must really be disgusted. And I am. I literally cannot stand to even look at her anymore. The desperate need for attention in any way she can get it – lying, scheming, being controversial – is getting old. No, change that. It IS old. Lisa was the only one that stuck up for her when the entire cast was plotting her demise, so I find it amusing that she’s now plotting Lisa’s. I don’t for one minute think she’s scared of Lisa. I think she’s enjoying it. I will acknowledge that Lisa has gotten rather self-righteous as of late and likes to give her opinion on EVERYTHING. It’s annoying, but is it worthy of a takedown? I don’t think so but I do know this how these shows are played as I mentioned last week. So, let’s just get this over with…
Light My Wick
Rachel: We start this week with Carlton buying candles for spiritual protection. Can you pick me up a few of those please? Yolanda meets her for some love and light. Carlton invited her because she’s the only one that would understand the hocus pocus. I’m all about the hocus pocus and wish this was the Carlton we were dealing with on the reg, instead of the you-don’t-command-me-I’m-a-sexual-deviant Carlton. Yolanda likes that Carlton doesn’t find her spirituality on Rodeo Drive. Makes two of us.
And then we have Kyle & Joyce… Pretty sure they find their spirituality on Rodeo Drive. They’re catching up on the fight at Mauricio & Ken’s birthday. Naturally, Joyce is Team Kyle, while Yolanda hears Carlton’s side and thinks that calling someone anti-semetic is a serious charge. It is, but at that point, the fight was totally out of control and Carlton isn’t exactly telling the whole story.
But I’m thinking these girls might want to stop messing with Carlton and saying they don’t believe in Wicca. Joyce poked the bear and her husband paid the price. Kyle did it this time and now her computer is sending her messages from beyond. That’s right, her screen saver, which has always been a picture of her family, somehow switched to the dictionary screen saver and started flashing words like bigot and travesty. Hmm… pay attention, Kyle. The universe is speaking.
Conversation turns to Puerto Rico, and Kyle tells Joyce that she invited Brandi. Joyce is totally fine with it because they’re past everything. It’s truly amazing how these women choose to just float in and out of friendships. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised being that they’re manufactured for the show in the first place, but it’s still fascinating. I just can’t imagine picking a new friend to dislike every few months and then letting them back in when I’m done being a raging twat to them. I also can’t imagine someone doing it to me and then just forgiving them because I want to hang out and drink wine. Well, depends on what kind of wine… But I supposed only one person can be left out of a trip so as to really send the message of exclusion and this time it’s Carlton. Kyle isn’t interested in her joining and Joyce isn’t interested in risking her place on Team Kyle.
So bottom line… Carlton is burning away the negativity with candles and Kyle is burning away the negativity by not inviting Carlton to Puerto Rico. I have to say shame on Joyce for that. She just made peace with her. Sweet. Way to let Kyle be the boss of your thoughts. Hope your hubby’s tummy doesn’t pay the price yet again.
Oh look, it’s the new BFFs – Kim & Brandi. See what I mean about flexible friendships? So, Kim isn’t going to Gigi’s party because she has other things to do like help her daughter move, but Lisa not going to her daughter’s graduation party is not OK because she had other things to do, like charity? Just keeping score.
And with that, Brandi brings up Lisa again. She says she’s intimidated by Lisa & Ken. Ken? The guy that’s been nothing but sweet and supportive to you? She’s such an asshole. Of course, Kim can’t wait to get in on the bashing. Finally, someone is letting her in on the fight! She’s been waiting since dinner with crazy psychic Allison at Camille’s house. I’m starting to wonder if maybe Brandi is just really hungry and a burger and fries would make her less terrible. Doubtful, but she could still use a burger and fries. Enough with the Lisa bashing, and off they go to get sprayed tans for their trip to… Where ya going, Kim? She can’t seem to decide if it’s Puerto Rico or Puerto Vallarta. Yeah, one’s a territory and one’s a city in Mexico. How does she not fall down more?
Gigi’s Night To Remember
Yolanda arrives at Mohammed’s manse – we cannot call this place a house – to prepare for Gigi’s party. I do like that Mohammed is actually doing the cooking himself. Well, probably not all of it. Let’s not be crazy. Yolanda says that Joyce cancelled, but before she can bag on her for her lack of manners, Mohammed says he hopes everything is OK. I like this guy. He doesn’t take it personally like some other people in the room.
Must we ride along with the women while they limo off to every event? I guess so as we head out with Brandi and another allergic reaction. Tonight’s anti-Lisa rant is that Lisa knew that Scheana slept with Brandi’s husband and set her up to be in the same room last year at the Sur party. And apparently, Lisa is so powerful that she also had Cedric deported. Now, I might buy that Bravo set it up that Scheana and Brandi were in the same room to set us up for Vanderpump Rules. We can all do the math on that. I would also be willing to bet that Brandi also knew if Lisa knew. I mean they signed up for a drama TV show. There is going to be some manufactured drama. So please spare us the innocent bystander routine. But I guess it makes her stories about a diabolical Lisa seem more plausible. Not. And how about you just sit down like grown-up and tell Lisa you’re hurt about Scheana? I actually agree that she shouldn’t keep bringing her around. But really a conversation vs a full-scale takedown. Oh I know, what fun would that be? She isn’t the COA taking up a majority of my hour if it’s just a conversation.
Time for the Gigi’s party to begin. Now this how your throw a shindig. If Mohammed ever wants to throw me a party, I’d be very happy to allow that. I promise that my friends won’t make a scene about not sitting next to someone they don’t like. (Carlton, I’m looking at you.) Gigi gives a very beautiful speech to her parents and as much as I give Yolanda a hard time about being Miss Manners, I do admire how much her family means to her and how she has raised her children to not be spoiled brats. She gets much credit for that.
Lisa tries to engage in a conversation with Brandi who is being very cold to her. Brandi is thrilled that she can’t speak because of her swollen tongue. It’s literally saving her life. FOR THE LOVE WOMAN, stop with the drama! So totally ridiculous.
Yolanda takes Brandi aside to ask about Carlton not being invited to Puerto Rico. Shouldn’t you take Kyle aside since she didn’t the invite list? As they’re finishing up, Kyle comes out and gives Brandi a ring that goes with the necklace she gave Carlton. She wants Brandi to give it to her. Uh, why? You don’t like her so why are you giving her a gift? And if it’s a peace offering, perhaps you should have actually handed it to her yourself. Carlton thinks the same thing and returns the gift. Brandi is annoyed because Lisa has inserted herself into the situation and I have to say that Brandi is right in this situation. Yes, I said that. Lisa has no reason to be in the middle making an uncomfortable situation more so. Now she’s telling Carlton that she needs to address Kyle. Carlton and her husband do not want to deal with it at Gigi’s party, but Lisa keeps pushing. Yolanda tells Lisa to back off. Yeah, this is what I mean about Lisa being self-righteous and pushy. These women aren’t your SUR kids… or your actual kids for that matter. Butt out. None of this was even your business in the first place, Lisa.
Brandi gives the ring back to Kyle and rats Lisa out in the process for saying that the ring doesn’t match the necklace when she handed it to Carlton. Kyle confronts Lisa about what she said. Lisa denies saying it and says she tried to tell Carlton that it was a peace offering. Well, half of that is true. Kyle says it wasn’t a peace offering. She just didn’t want to look at the ring and be reminded of Carlton. So give it to your kid. Don’t bring it to a party, have it delivered by your stool pigeon and then deny it had any meaning. I call bullshit on that straight up. Everyone is a mess in this. Lisa is being bossy. Kyle is being passive aggressive. And Brandi is stirring the pot. Lisa now confronts Brandi, but thankfully it all gets interrupted by Gigi’s massive going-away cake.
Kyle, who is just sooo pissed and over Lisa, goes and sits next to her and asks if she wants to go shopping with her. Um, OK. She also tell Lisa that Joyce’s father passed away. Aw, that’s terrible. So sad. What’s also sad is Yolanda giving Gigi crap about eating cake because of her modeling career. Woman, it’s her party. One piece of cake isn’t going to do shit. She’s 18. She’ll burn it off before she gets to the car.
Try This On For Size
Lisa stops by Kyle’s shop for their shopping day. Seems Joyce still wants to go to Puerto Rico. Lisa hopes there won’t be any bullshit on the trip. There will be and speaking of it, let’s start some now. Kyle confronts Lisa about how people have been asking her how she can be friends with Lisa after what she’s said. First off, never ever start a conversation with “people say” if you expect the person to listen to you without being defensive. Also, if you’re going to rat people out, then be the total rat so the accused can face their accusers. Only fair. Kyle brings up what Lisa said about Mauricio cheating. You know, the joke she cracked at Kyle’s house. Come on. That is so petty. But Kyle wants Lisa to hear her and say she’s sorry. Lisa isn’t budging. She feels like it’s been talked to death and wants to move on. Just acknowledge her Lisa. It’s what friends do. You don’t always have to be right. But she will acknowledge that she is loyal to Kyle and always has been. Oh boy… This is just going to get worse… but at least we have a week to prepare… and by prepare, I mean drink.
Rachel: I think we will be visiting Scary Island – The Beverly Hills Edition next week. Ugh.