One Sentence Summary: The world tour continues back in the good ol’ USofA, but one woman decides this is her last stop on the party train.
Rachel: Yawn, is this thing still on? I’m just not feeling this season, as we already know. But aside from my missing the memo on our dashing hero, I also have to say that these have been some truly boring dates. It’s just a total retread of every other season thus far. The waterfall was cool, but I’m seriously slipping into a date coma. And it’s not just seeing the same dates over and over, it’s listening to the same conversation over and over. I find it hard to believe that they discuss nothing other than his kid, the desire for more children and the desperate need for love. I mean I get it. It’s a dating show, but for the love of all that is holy, switch it up! Come on, writers. Stop resting on your laurels and give us something a little more exciting than “vulnerability” and “taking it to the next level”. I know you have it in you. I know you can do it. Channel the Little Engine That Could… I think I can. I think I can. And please do it before I fall asleep on my keyboard.
Melissa: OK, so let’s see… Last week I missed frolicking with our bachelor and his hopefuls due to a bit of a… how can I put this delicately… Well, let’s just say I had my head in the toilet for 2 days, and unfortunately there was no alcohol involved at all. I’m also going to share with you that the time has finally come. Yes, all good things must come to an end and maybe it was all the sickness last week, but Juan Pablo’s really starting to annoy me. It’s not the constant English is his second language reminder… though truth be told it’s getting a little old. It’s not even the overly eager ladies who clearly have never seen an episode to realize they are up against ALL the other ladies. Pssst, he’s not your boyfriend. He’s EVERYONE’S boyfriend. It’s the whole “I want to set a good example for my daughter” and “I need respect the mothers” yarn he’s spinning. I’m done with that story. I’d be cool if that’s really what he thinks, but it’s clearly not, because trying to set a good example for his daughter isn’t swallowing half of these ‘ettes faces 2 seconds after he sees them. Don’t even get me started on that whole Clare conversation. That was straight up shenanigans if you ask me. But I’ll spare you my rant since that was last week and it’s time to move on. So let’s move on…
Bienvenidos A Miami
Rachel: Time to return to the States where Juan Pablo gets to be #1 Dad in person again, instead of over Skype. He immediately heads to his family’s home to surprise her. Why does their house look like no one lives there from the outside? I will admit that Camilla is one stinkin’ cute kid and I like seeing her so happy to see her daddy. So, I’ll give that one to him. But just that one.
While Juan Pablo spends time with his family, the girls arrive and check into the Mack Daddy suite at the Loews Hotel in South Beach. Damn, the closest I’ve gotten to that room is hopping the hotel fence after dark and hanging out on their beach. I also managed to lose my boss’s digital camera in the process, but that’s a story for another day.
While they wait for the next date card, Sharleen tells us that she needs a one-on-one date to determine if she’s going to stay on and potentially take Juan Pablo home to meet her family. Right now, it’s not looking so good and we all know from the previews that she’s probably going home. This is a bummer, because I’d love to meet her family. And you know, it’s all about me. While she ponders leaving, Juan Pablo tells his cousin how amazing he thinks she is and how she could be the one. She’s different and he likes that. OK, now I’m sure she’s going home. Haven’t we all been watching long enough to know this is how the game is played?
Melissa: So he’s been gone for 3 weeks without seeing his little girl… that sucks. For her I’m saying. What’s that like for her can you imagine? I watch this scene trying to grasp what she must think about all of this and how she misses her father.
Wait a minute with the ladies’ hotel!! I know I’ve said it before, but I’m going to say it again that I want to be a Bachelorette to hang in these awesome places. Sharleen still isn’t sure how she’s feeling about everything? No stunner there. I love her and all, but she basically recoils the second he kisses her. Did you ever notice? Looks like JP might want to get the situation straight with Sharleen, if he thinks she might be the one, because I’m thinking they aren’t necessarily on the same page.
You’re So Pretty
Rachel: The date card arrives in the form of Juan Pablo. He is hand-delivering it and it’s a little scary to me how excited he is about it. Pretty proud of yourself, aren’t ya, guy? The date goes to Sharleen who is about as excited as someone going for a dental extraction. Clare is amused by the awkwardness of it all. Oh Clare, put your claws away. Your jealousy is showing, though the rest of the girls question what Juan Pablo sees in her as well. Well, probably that she’s smart and not throwing herself at him like a crackhead in need of her next fix. Pretty sure it’s Dating 101 that men like the chase.
They head out for a day on a yacht. Never seen this before. A yacht ride in Miami. How novel. She still doesn’t think they get each other and she worries that she’s uptight around him. She knows that she might not vibe with him intellectually, but she is physically attracted to him. The chemistry makes it hard for her to stay focused. I feel you sister. Gotten me way too far down the path with a lot of men that I should have kicked to the curb. That tingle is way dangerous. Damn you, libido!
They saddle on up to the beach for a sunset picnic and she tells him that she’s ready to not be so career-focused. She is ready to make a relationship a priority. I think she thinks that’s true. But right now, she is taken with our Latin Lover as they float in the bay and make out. You would not catch me in that water for anything. I’ve seen Jaws. That shit ain’t safe. But I’m pretty sure that Sharleen is focused on another monster in that water right now. Go on, girl. Enjoy the buzz while it lasts.
Time for dinner and another fantastic dress from Sharleen. She definitely wins for best-dressed bachelorette of all time. He’s impressed by her not trying to impress him. He is happy being with her and really wants to meet her parents. Too bad she is still concerned that they don’t have anything more than the physical. She’s voices her hesitation at him meeting her family, and he says he likes her smile. Yeah, not the most cerebral of connections. She wishes she were dumber. Honey, I say that all the time. Wouldn’t life be blissful if you were as sharp as a Kardashian?
The date ends and she leaves feeling torn. She goes home and find House Mother Renee still awake. She’s freaking out right now because she was hoping the relationship would be clearer to her. How do you know in such a short period of time? Renee says time is irrelevant. Yes, but no. It’s irrelevant if you don’t have a looming deadline where you have to make a decision about the rest of your life. But when a network is making you pick your life partner in 6 short weeks, time becomes very relevant. Sharleen is torn about whether to stay or go. Oh, she’s so out of there.
Melissa: Here we go, hopefully Sharleen will get her head in the game and get her cerebral connection that’s missing.
Oh I love how the ladies dish on Sharleen trying to figure out why she’s there. Um, for the same reason you all are. She’s just not as over the top as the rest of you. Plus, she needed a place to show off her awesome wardrobe.
BTW, I want a yacht hang-out day. Can anyone hook that up? So she wants to always kiss him, but I swear half the time she looks like she’s trying to pull away from him. I find it interesting she always wants to kiss him yet is so conflicted.
Oh but let me just say she looks awesome in that swimsuit. Oh who am I kidding? She looks awesome in everything and I want to raid her closet. And cue the equally fantastic dress for the evening. OK, I can do without the close-ups of the tongues darting. Yeah, that sets an AWESOME example for your daughter – sorry, I’ll stop. HA, “I wish I could be a little dumber”… like the other ladies Sharleen? I’m not gonna lie, that brought a smile to my face. So there’s a little voice telling her it’s not right? Girl, you need to have a good talking to that voice.
It’s A Family Affair
Rachel: The next date card arrives and it’s for Nikki. She hopes she doesn’t have to dance again, which elicits a collective groan from the other girls. Hey, the card said something about dancing and she doesn’t like dancing. Chill out, ladies. Chelsie wonders why Negative Nikki gets the date and she doesn’t? Cause he digs her more than he digs you. Sorry. Chelsie is so next up on the chopping block.
Nikki heads out on her date and finds out that she’s going to meet Camilla at her dance recital. Oh man, Clare is going to come out of her skin when she hears this. But I have to ask, introducing your daughter to a woman you barely know is acceptable, but heaven forbid you kiss Renee for the first 4 weeks? I cannot for the life of me understand this guy’s boundaries. Not only is Nikki meeting Camilla, but she’s also meeting his parents and the ex. Alrighty then. This recital is pretty damn cute. And the ex is pretty damn cool to let this all go down; especially the part where the kid runs to daddy and the new girl first.
The evening portion of events takes place at Marlins Stadium. Damn, that girl has some serious pins on her. Color me jealous. They hang out on a blanket and talk about the day. She wants Juan Pablo to explain his relationship with ex, Carla, and how another woman will fit in to his life. Good question. He says Carla just wants him to be happy, so if the moon and the skies want them to be together, that’s just how it is. Ummm… sure. Is she walking around a stadium barefoot? That’s Britney-Spears-barefoot-in-a-bathroom gnarly.
Melissa: Hang on now, he’s taking Nikki to his little girl’s dance recital? Are you serious dude? That’s not cool at this stage. Did anyone catch the look from the ex? HA! I’m going to add this date to my list of things that trouble me about JP.
That aside, you know Clare is going to be livid. The girl puts out… I mean kisses JP in the ocean… and SHE didn’t get the dance recital with the family. Shit is going to hit the psycho fan back at the penthouse.
Clearly someone invested in some fashion tape throwing the ball like that and not having a wardrobe malfunction. I have to give her credit asking these questions about how people fit into his life. I’m still giving the intro to his little girl a sideways suspect glance.
Rachel: The group date card arrives and it’s for the remaining women. The card is from Chris Harrison – Oh yeah, I forgot about him – who tells the girls that there is rose on the date which is very important. This rose means the girl will be taking Juan Pablo home to meet her family.
Hearing these words makes Sharleen start to question again where she stands in all of this. After some consideration, she decides that it’s time for her to bail. She tells the girls first that she’s going because she’s conflicted and it’s not fair for her to take a spot from one of them. The girls are shocked. I half expect Clare to jump for joy. I’m sure deep down she is.
Next stop, Juan Pablo’s room. He knows immediately something’s wrong… Well, even he’s not that dumb to think this is another midnight booty call. She tells him that she’s not where she’s supposed to be emotionally. The idea of a proposal so soon isn’t right for her and she doesn’t want to take someone’s spot who knows they’re at that place. She has strong feelings but they’re not where they need to be. He hugs her and she couldn’t look more uncomfortable. But I give him credit, he plays it like a true gentleman. He is thankful to have met her and seen how wonderful she is. He’s just pissed – jokingly – that she didn’t see enough in him. A very mature parting of the ways, which honestly is sometimes far more painful than a shouting match. Ugh, my stomach hurts watching that. Juan Pablo tells us, through tears, that he appreciates the honesty. Man, break-ups, even half-baked TV ones, suck.
Melissa: Oh Sharleen, you need to get your shit together girl! In the words of Loretta Castorini “Snap out of it!” Meanwhile, you know Clare is salivating at the thought of getting rid of her. And you know he’s going to open the door thinking he’s going to get a Clare-esque treat. HOLY SHIT! Is this the first ever ‘ette with a head on her shoulders who gets it? Who knows she’s not there for the right reason and takes action? Good wardrobe, head on her shoulders… ah the one that got away! You will be missed, my dear. JP is actually redeeming himself a little here. A little.
The Only Rose
Rachel: The group date has barely begun and Andi is already crying. Girl, I like you, but the leaky faucet routine is getting old. Meanwhile, Juan Pablo shows up in sea plane that must have flown 50 feet to pick them up. He takes them all to a private island for a picnic and tells them that only one of them will get the rose and that person will be the only one going on the evening part of the date. Oh, it’s on.
Chelsie is first to plead her case for extra time, and her desperation to impress him is palpable. She brings letters her mom and dad wrote to her for this trip… sorry, journey… and reads them to Juan Pablo. OMG, did she drink a case of Red Bull before this date? Lighten up on the gas there, crazy. Andi is next and goes
into her typical lament about this process, tears and all. Lord, every week. She’s feeling super vulnerable, but it’s ok because it’s a side he hasn’t seen of her. What side is that? He’s seen you naked. I’m pretty sure he’s seen all sides of you. Clare goes next and talks some more about her dad, but I’m having a hard time listening because the facial tics have officially taken over. Between the lip licking, eye squinting and head flicking, I’m about to have a seizure. Seriously, she’s the disco strobe light of facial tics.
As the rain comes down, Juan Pablo hands out the rose. Andi is getting a hometown date. Clare breaks into her huge fake smile, while darts shoot from her eyes. She tells the cameras that she doesn’t understand why she is watching other girls go on dates. Pretty sure you had two one-on-ones and one unauthorized romp in the ocean. Keep your panties on… for a change.
Andi gets her one-on-one date and chose to wear shoes in which she can barley walk. Girl, that awkward thing you have going is not a good look. And did Juan Pablo just ask her if she’s liking South Beach? You know she lives in Miami, right? They wander into a club to hear a Latin singer named Romeo Santos. Juan Pablo leads her immediately onto a platform in the middle of the room to dance. Wow, the dancing is worse than the walking. Someone let the girl sit down and enjoy a cocktail. But I give her credit for knowing she’s terrible and laughing about it, because you know the chances of some tears is pretty high.
Melissa: I love the cutthroat date!! Bring it ladies! HA, I like Chelsie’s mom’s note. Wise lady with the 2-drink maximum, but Dad’s note to do the opposite is even better. Man, what’s with all the tears this episode? UGH, I liked Clare in the beginning, I did. I was going to share some decent wine with her. Now, she’s a PITA (Pain In The Ass, for those not familiar with my pet name). If she plays her daddy’s video during the hometown, I’m going to crawl through my television and donkey kick her. Wait, Andi got the rose? I totally didn’t see that coming.
Oh look… there’s dancing. Bad dancing, but dancing nonetheless.
Bring It, Bitch
The also-rans get home and tell Nikki about the rose situation. They awkwardly talk about how awkward it was with lots of awkward head nodding and smiling. Nikki says the girls are funny because Chelsie and Renee are smiling while Clare is checked out. Clare says she’s not checked out. She’s just not going to be fake… Does she mean fake like Renee & Chelsie who are smiling or fake to Nikki who she doesn’t like? Either way, snatch comment alert. Clare says she’s disappointed she didn’t get a rose, but maybe Andi got it because she needed the reassurance. Or maybe Juan Pablo just wanted to spend more time with her, beatch. Nikki, who is BFFs with Andi, says that the comment is stupid and leaves the conversation. Am I the only one that loves her for that?
Clare follows her upstairs and asks what just happened. Nikki says she doesn’t want to sit around and listen to people talk shit about her friend. She felt the conversation heading that way and chose to not be part of it. Seems fair enough to me. Probably could have done without the snide comment, but I feel you. Clare does not. She doesn’t appreciate her laughing at their not getting a rose. Um, she was laughing because the other girls were laughing and it was awkward. Nikki isn’t interested in continuing the fight with Clare and dismisses her from her room after telling her she doesn’t like her. Man, I love bitch fights. Clare responds maturely and walks away. Oh wait, no she doesn’t. She says it’s not Nikki’s room because she’s not paying for it. Good Lord, Clare. Grow up. Clare plays like she just came to make sure Nikki was OK. Nikki isn’t buying it. Clare calls Nikki a piece of work. Nikki calls Clare crazy. And scene.
Melissa: Here we go… Clare is going to explode. She’s just brewing for a fight. This is awesome. I love girlie fights; these bitches need to start watching Housewives to see how it’s done.
The cocktail party is upon us and the girls look like technicolor Robert Palmer girls. I guess you gotta show your colors in Miami? I’m pretty sure that the girl going home tonight is Chelsie, but let’s play along for the sake of 20 more minutes of show. I see we will spend the majority of the time watching Chelsie & Clare hate on Nikki and Nikki hate on them back. Nikki & Andi laugh about the torturous cocktail party. Clare and Chelsie talk about how terrible it will be if Juan Pablo ends up with Nikki. Then we get to watch Clare & Nikki sit in silence ignoring each other for a solid two minutes. Andi & Renee come back and we have more silence. We get it. It’s tense. Can we move on? But I do have to say I kinda like Nikki’s sarcastic and slightly caustic sense of humor… Gee, I wonder why.
Melissa: So Clare told Juan Pablo that she is the last one of her 5 sisters not married. Not too much pressure there. I hope Renee gets a hometown. I’ll be pissed if he goes with the whole it’s a big thing to meet her son. PISSED! Nikki and Clare… literally crickets! Oh you editors, you’re awesome!
Has a rose: Andi
Already gone: Sharleen
Gets a rose: Nikki, Clare, Renee
Going home: Chelsie
Wait, Chris didn’t tell us it was the final rose! How am I supposed to know there’s only one rose left? Do you really expect me to count to 1 by myself? Wait one more time, is Juan Pablo crying again? Yes, he is. I guess he means it when he says this is getting tough for him. I do like that he is man enough to cry…. though that’s pretty much all I like.
Melissa: Wait, where is Chris? I’m lost… is it the final rose? Is it not? Did Renee just get the last rose? I think so. Hard to tell. WTF, Chris!?!? What, are you off getting drunk somewhere? Here’s the other question I have… if Sharleen had stayed who would have been let go?
Rachel: Probably Renee and you would have been PISSED. I would have too.
Rachel: Ruh-roh. Looks like some family members might not be playing nice next week. And neither is abc with TWO nights in a row. Lord.
Melissa: What, 2 episodes for the hometowns? Are you kidding me? Wait, fantasy suite drama? And just like that I’m back in. I have no control.