One Sentence Summary: The venom begins to spew as the anti-Lisa campaign kicks into gear.
Rachel: Are the New York Housewives on yet? I’ve run my course with the Bev Hills ladies, but we have at least, what, 5 more, if not 10 to go? Blargh. It’s like these ladies don’t know when it’s time to leave a party so that people want to invite them back. I think that the seasons really only need to be 12 episodes long. Get in, get annoying, get out. You can come back in 6 months when I’ve forgotten why I abandoned you. I also think that I’m dreading the ostracizing of Lisa by the crew. I know that every season, someone has to be the enemy so that the women have something to do. I was cool with it being Kim and her drinking, Taylor and her drama, Camille and her pomposity and Brandi and her big mouth. I’m not cool with it being Lisa. I know she can be bossy and overbearing, but it’s coming from a good place. Everyone’s her kid. Yes, it can get annoying, but is it really gang-up-worthy? Honestly, her snarky sense of humor is one of the only things keeping me riding this train. But it was bound to happen. When is it Kyle’s turn for the love of all things holy? I really thought this was it. Ah well…. can’t stop it, so I might as well enjoy the ride as much as possible.
Week 14 Quickie
Rachel: First of all, I want Bravo to do an entire show on Nancy, the ball buster from Brandi’s photo shoot. She’s awesome. Less awesome was the lunch between Carlton and Joyce. Sorry Joyce, you are “flippanty” about other people’s belief systems and it’s an ugly ugly trait. Then there’s Carlton who is so self-righteous that she doesn’t even realize what a hypocrite she is. You don’t threaten to put a curse on someone and then get mad when they think you put a curse on them. But at least they didn’t scream at each other and did manage to walk out amicably. Then there’s Lisa & Kyle’s party. Those water nymphs were an epic fail. But I suppose in comparison Jax & Kevin’s attempt at water ballet, they were the twin reincarnation of Esther Williams. But let’s get to Carlton. WTF is wrong with her? She was seriously all kinds of wicked witch that night. Listen, we all know Kyle’s not my favorite person in the universe, but I was 100% behind her in that fight. That’s how off-base Carlton was. She totally has a bug up her ass about Kyle and it sprouted wings at the party. The second she said that she doesn’t care that it’s Mauricio’s birthday, she lost. Low blow. Low class. Kyle is also right that she shouldn’t have taken her necklace. And I just have to laugh at Carlton and the “you don’t command me” command. I’m going to have to work that into dinner party convo at some point. The whole thing was ugly and I will say that Kyle should have just ignored her for the sake of her husband’s birthday. Carlton might not care, but she should.
Miss Manners Strikes Again
So daddy billionaire and mommy Yolanda are going to throw Gigi a graduation party. Damn, must be nice to be born into that. I can’t even lie and say that I am not jealous to my core. Love my parents to the moon and back, but going to the moon & back in first class wouldn’t suck. Just sayin… I do think it’s kind of funny that the kids are embarrassed of Mohammed’s house. I also admire that Yolanda & Mohammed put their differences aside to make sure their kids were happy. That’s seriously making function out of dysfunction. Wow, even David’s daughter got married at Mohammed’s. This family should be studied.
After the party plans for Gigi are discussed, Yolanda goes on a rant about Lisa. She still has an issue about her missing Gigi’s painting party. Oh for the love, that’s ridiculous. She’s also pissed because Lisa planned a party on the day of her stepdaughter’s wedding so she couldn’t attend. So what? Why shouldn’t Lisa AND KYLE plan a party for their husbands on a date that works for them? I didn’t realize their husbands’ birthday celebrations should revolve around your schedule? Mohammed defends Lisa by saying she has a lot going on. Yolanda isn’t interested.
Invited, Not Invited
After some shooting hoops in her high heels, Kyle asks Mauricio if he would like to go to Puerto Rico with Joyce and her hubby. Joyce has to do a photo shoot there for her Queen of The Universe pageant. That makes me laugh every time I type it. He says sure and he’ll see if there’s any work to be done there. She wonders why a romantic weekend with her isn’t enough. You mean a romantic weekend with you, Joyce and her husband.
Meanwhile, Carlton stops by her husband’s office to check in on an event she’s planning for his company’s 40th anniversary. Did that event planner have too much Botox? Is that why his face if barely moving?
While Carlton puts on the final touches, Kyle tells Mauricio that she received an email uninviting her to the party. Mauricio, on the other hand, is still invited. That might be the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard… and childish. As if Mauricio would go, which is exactly what he just said.
Joyce is training at home with Ivete, the current Queen of The Universe. Does she live with Joyce? She’s always by her side. Doesn’t she have some duties… I mean besides being Joyce’s pet? Joyce tells us that she’s excited to show Kyle & Mauricio how nice Puerto Ricans can be. Do the have a reputation for being mean? I missed that one. And wait, she doesn’t work out? If she just looks like that naturally, I’m going to kick her in her cupcake. That’s not fair.
The Tides Begin To Turn
For the record, I hate balloons. And I really hate them as decoration for an event for anyone over the age of 12. That being said, it’s time for Carlton’s balloon arch and party.
Lisa & Ken are the first to arrive and Carlton apologizes for her behavior at Lisa’s party. Lisa thinks that Carlton called this one wrong and overreacted about the star tattoo. Uh, just a little. Carlton says it was not just about that, but a build up of things. Lisa admits she hasn’t seen the build up but doesn’t want Carlton to be seen as irrational or mean. Lisa thinks Carlton has more to say to Kyle and should talk to her. Carlton says she does not, twice. Lisa, I love you and your intentions are pure, but you have to learn when to step off. Now would be a good time seeing as how Carlton is half in tears, because clearly she’s the real victim here. She’s also in tears in her confessional because she witnessed apartheid which is related to anti-semetism somehow. I’m a little unclear on that parallel. She’s also worried that her being seen as an anti-semite will ruin her husband’s business. I think that’s a bit dramatic. I mean think Carlton’s behavior was terrible, but she’s certainly not anti-semetic. Anyone with half a brain can figure that out.
Speaking of, here’s Kim! She’s the only other Housewife to show up thus far, and I have to say I’m shocked that Kyle would allow that. She runs into Ken & Lisa on the way out and makes it clear that she’s still pissed at Ken…. and about the luau. I can see the Ken thing. He did hit below the belt, but let the luau go, honey. Off she goes inside to mingle. Oh and Brandi finally shows up too, with a swollen tongue. She apparently ate something that gave her a reaction. She tells us that it could continue to swell, in which case she would choke on it and die. Does someone want to tell her about epi pens? I’m not going to, but you could be nicer than I am.
Brandi pulls Kim aside to talk to her about what happened at the party. Not about Kyle & Carlton, but about Scheana being there. She wasn’t prepared to see the Sur staff there. You weren’t? They’re at every party Lisa throws. They were even at Kyle’s party. Shit, I’m surprised they’re not there tonight. So I’m not sure how surprise is involved here. As far as the Scheana part of that equation, yes, Lisa could have had other servers there, but then there wouldn’t be the potential for drama. And at this point, who actually cares anymore? The bitch is serving you. Enjoy it. Now we’ve entered into a total Lisa dish session. Suddenly Joyce being ridiculous for confronting Lisa about her hair is now Lisa belittling Joyce. Ah, how the opinions turn. Don’t they realize this is all on film?
Not Born In The USA
Earlier in the show, we saw Yolanda studying for her citizenship exam with David. She has been in America for 30 years but has not become a full citizen yet. She’s having a hard time remembering things because the Lyme disease affected her brain function, which is hard since she’s such a perfectionist… and expects the same from everyone else. That last part is my own addition.
She goes for the citizenship test and aces it. Yolanda is now an American. Welcome.
PS – I bet you the majority of Americans couldn’t pass that test. Randomly, I took it online the other day for shits and giggles. I passed but I’m embarrassed by the stuff I don’t know. Can you tell me how many senators and members of the house we have? WITHOUT GOOGLE!
A Tale Of Two Queens
Lisa is doing a photoshoot for Genlux magazine and has given Stassi the opportunity to style it since that’s what she wants to do. I’ve never heard of Genlux Magazine. Granted I’m not even remotely living in the neighborhood of hip & cool any longer. Sigh… Age, she is an evil mistress.
While Lisa gets glam, Brandi and her still-swollen tongue meets up with Kyle for a hike. None of the meds she’s been given are working. Maybe you’re allergic to being a shitty person. Try changing that. Kyle tells Brandi that she’s going to Puerto Rico and invites her along. Um, you mean on Joyce’s vacation? How is that fun for Joyce? Brandi can manage to coexist with Joyce because she thinks it sounds like a fun vacation. Imagine if Brandi’s tongue swelled like Pinocchio’s nose every time she said something obnoxious…
Now that Brandi has justified going on trip she has no business going on, she wants to talk about Lisa. She wants to know how Kyle got over them having such a rift because she feels one happening between them. Her morning calls have been slipping away, while Kyle’s have been becoming more frequent. I get how Brandi feels like she’s losing a friend – and that’s a real concern – but it always shocks me how little introspection these women have. It never dawns on her at any point that she’s having this conversation with a woman she once threatened to beat up and whose friendship has been a roller coaster to say the least. How did you get past that? But we all know that my enemy’s enemy is my friend, so of course she’d run to the one person that has been on the outs with Lisa. And let’s all be honest, there are friendships we have in life that never waiver. Ever. And then there are friendships that have an ebb and flow to them. This is one and you’re ebbing. It’s not like they’ve got a decade together under their belt. And sadly, not everyone’s meant to be friends for life. Some are for a reason and some are for a season. I read that on Facebook so it must be true.
Hold the phone, Kyle, you are not seriously saying Lisa wanted to hurt you over the Mauricio cheating rumors because she made a joke at your house? And you are not saying that to the woman who brought it up at a dinner party? Who is also the woman that was screaming at you about saying you’re sorry on Twitter for calling her a bully? Just checking. I don’t know why I’m surprised at Kyle taking any opportunity to climb her way back up the popularity ladder. She’s been waiting like a dog in heat for this moment. And really??? Now Brandi is saying it’s Lisa’s fault that she and Adrienne fell out? Pretty sure it was her big mouth talking shit about her using a surrogate. But if that’s the case, then it’s somehow also Lisa’s fault Brandi called Joyce the wrong name and told Mauricio to STFU last year? Interesting. I thought that was because she just says stuff and that’s just who she is. But the groundwork is laid and Kyle will now regain the queen tiara on the back of Brandi. I imagine when this friendship goes sour, because Kyle got what she wanted, Brandi will have to find someone else to take care of her. But Brand did get one thing right, Lisa is smarter than all of you.
I do love that, as they talk smack, Lisa is being photographed for the cover of a magazine. Winning.
Rachel: I hope Joyce goes bananas when she finds out Brandi is coming to Puerto Rico.