One Sentence Summary: It’s time to catch-up with the genius brigade of Sur after the cameras have been turned off.
Rachel: A friend and blog reader said to me this weekend, over some frozen vodka lemonades, that she was impressed that I admitted to being wrong about Kristen & Jax sleeping together. She figured most bloggers would revise their posts and not look like total fools, kinda like I looked last week. But here’s the thing about the Two Winey Bitches – We are not afraid to put our thoughts out there and make rather large declarative statements at the risk of being completely wrong. Wine is helpful when saying things with certainty like “There’s no way Kristen slept with Jax. Those text messages were fake!” But the good thing is that we also aren’t afraid to eat crow and say we were totally wrong when we say things with certainty like “There’s no way Kristen slept with Jax. Those text messages were fake!” Trust me, I much prefer to be right. It’s so much more fun for me. But part of the fun here is going along for the ride even if I look like a fool in the end. But no one really cares about this because there’s a reunion to get to! Oh how I can’t wait for the shit to fly tonight. Rarely have I been so excited for something so terrible. I think the last time was the premiere of Grease 2… I’m still waiting for my Cool Rider, BTW. I digress, the reunion…
Rachel: Before a word can be uttered, I’d like to applaud Katie’s decision to dye her hair back to brown from that awful orange/blonde mess. I’ll let you know what I think about Stassi’s choice to go platinum later. I think I hate it, but I’m not sure. Oh we’re going to talk about the hair. Sorry, got ahead of myself. Katie agrees that the blonde didn’t work. We’re not sure how that took an entire season to figure out, but Katie’s not really known to be quick on the uptake.
But let’s the most important piece of information out of the way, Tom & Kristen are no longer together. Now, I need to know if this was filmed before or after they were on WWHL together. I’m hoping after because they were still, to use a favorite word of this crew, banging when that show aired. Did Andy have his beard then? I think… Someone help me out with the timeline please! You know I don’t like to have to do research.
More housekeeping… Everyone is still at Sur except for Stassi, whom Lisa says disappeared on her. Stassi says she began to give away shifts a few months ago and finally turned in her uniforms completely. So, you quit, but didn’t bother to tell Lisa, the person you went to with every thought that was in your empty head? The person that upgraded your hotel room in Cabo? Nice. Classy Stassi.
Oh joy, we get to rehash The Great Oral Surgery Debacle of 2013. Scheana was hurt that no one reached out after her very long & painful oral surgery. Stassi was mad at her so she didn’t think she needed to reach out. Lisa says she minimized Scheana’s surgery. Stassi, needless to say, defends being a bitch because she’s never wrong. Scheana calls Stassi out as being the girl that can’t have more than one best friend at a time. So true. And “friend” is a term that should be used loosely. It’s more like lemming. Andy says that the friendship was more important to Scheana than Stassi, which makes Stassi feel bad. She gets a dismissive “sorry” from him and I get a good giggle at that. Clearly, he is not a fan. Stassi has also been removed from Scheana’s bridal party. I’m sure that will change ten more times before the wedding.
Speaking of weddings… Stassi & Jax? Ever happening? They both say no. Because we didn’t already know this? Lisa says he’d get back with her in a heartbeat. He says not a chance. He’s done and much happier this way. Do sociopaths feel joy? Andy wonders if Stassi enjoyed Jax’s groveling. Of course she did. She says when you’re cheated on, of course you want the person to grovel. Yeah, as much as it kills me, I’ll agree that that’s true. And if we’re talking Stassi & Jax, we have to talk bad arm tattoos. He said, at that point, he’d have done anything to get her back. To which Stassi amends with “including Kristen.” And Stassi wins that round. You don’t come back from that. But they both knew after that awkward dinner at Beso’s, that it was over. Ish. I think Jax still had hope. Hello, he was still trying to kiss her in Arrowhead and shmooze her in Cabo. Wait, did Andy just use the word “awk-y” to describe the Arrowhead kiss? You know what’s more awkward than that kiss? A grown man using the word “awk-y”.
Stassi announces that she’s dating someone and he’s amazing. His name is Patrick and he’s on Sirius/XM. Now that I’ll look up… Seems his name is Patrick Meagher, from the show Cocktails With Patrick, and he lives in NY… and so does Stassi now. Ha, I’ve tried listening to that show and it’s just bad. Sorry, it is, but he is cute. So, this is why Stassi went MIA on Lisa, who again, is openly not pleased. Stassi knows she was wrong, but she was just so heartbroken by how she was treated that she couldn’t be around any of them in a professional manner. Victim Stassi yet again blames everyone else for skipping out on her job. It’s not that I don’t think she got shit on by Jax & Kristen, but girlfriend hasn’t exactly been a sweetheart either. She was driving the Bad Time Bus through that place on more than one occasion. Plus, you can still leave like a lady. Right, consider the source.
Boy does Scheana like to drink her own Kool-Aid. Andy wants to know why she only releases a song once a year. She realizes she’s not a great singer, but she’s having fun and taking the chance to release singles while she can. Fair. I don’t blame her. But she’s ready to take Andy’s job when he retires because, in reality, she’s a presenter. He’s amused. Everyone’s amused. And he’s done with her.
Jax, your love life? Gag. He’s dating. GG from Shahs said he’s dating her. He says he is… among several others. Boy you better wear a knife-proof vest after she sees this. Stassi thinks he’s a sex addict. Jax thinks that’s probably true… and a great excuse to keep banging every chick in town. You know, then it’s not his fault. Lord, he really thinks he’s cool. Any woman that sleeps with him should have her head examined… Well, that and a full STD panel run.
Finally, we get to Kristen & Tom which is why we’re all here, right? Andy says they were both flagrantly cheating on each other even though they both claimed to be in a monogamous relationship so doesn’t that make both of them wrong? Kristen owns it. Tom does not. He was at a point where he didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore when he cheated. So break up with her, ya moron. He says because Kristen treated him like shit and had a three-month affair with another person at Sur, not named Jax, he felt like it wasn’t really cheating. Again, break
up with her, ya moron. Kristen didn’t deserve to know about him & Ariana because she wasn’t honest with him. My brain is swirling right now with the stupidity of these statements. Tom, you gotta own your shit too. Kristen says it was an emotional affair. She thinks he treated her like his assistant and they weren’t happy. Tom says it’s bullshit. They were happy. Really? When was that? But Kristen still is and always will be obsessively in love with Tom. So then tell me again why cheating was a good idea? Stassi thinks it’s ridiculous that they’re mad at each other for doing the same thing to each other. Tom doesn’t think it’s the same thing. Dude, you have to be kidding me. A bottle service chick in Vegas & Ariana vs an emotional affair and Jax? Same thing. Jax might be more personal, but by definition you’re both straight up cheaters. Don’t trust me? Check Websters.
Andy wants to know what’s happened since Krax-gate was exposed on the last episode. And Lisa wants to know why Tom & Kristen stayed in a relationship pretending nothing was wrong. Tom, who cannot stop screaming, just keeps yelling random bullshit excuses for their total and utter disfunction that exonerates him from any wrongdoing. Here’s the deal as I see it, since no one wants to talk about anything real: Basically, they were codependent and fed off of each others drama to the point that they couldn’t break-up because they needed it to get through the day. Solved. Let’s move on.
Nope, we have to discuss the kiss with Ariana. Lisa says Tom lied to her face when he said nothing happened between them. He says it’s because he didn’t want everyone to blame Ariana for something so minor that happened 3 years ago. I can’t blame him for that considering that the wrath of Kristen & Stassi is matched only by the wrath of Khan. He also knows if he admitted they kissed, they’d all twist it into a much bigger story with him having a full-blown affair. Kristen confirms this when she says that she believes that is in fact what happened. He says she just sabotaged everything he did for her. Ha. I guess he finally got his balls back.
And speaking of Ariana, let’s invite her and her tits to the stage. Is she wearing pants? I think Kristen’s head might pop off right now. So, Ariana and Scheana are still besties, but Scheana has also made up with Kristen so she feels like she’s in the middle. Oh Scheana, you love it because you love the attention. You’re also so desperate for approval that you’ll take in all the stray puppies. Kristen has no friends so she suddenly finds love for you when she had nothing but venom all season? You’re as transparent as a window. But Kristen says she can be friends with Scheana, even though she’s friends with Ariana, because she’s a “fucking adult”. Everyone’s laughing at that one.
Lisa, who clearly needs to keep finding reasons to be there, interjects and says Ariana lied to her about there being nothing going on with Tom, which is why she brought her over. Bullshit. You brought her over to create drama for your TV show. We’re not that stupid… though the fact that we watch this nonsense would prove otherwise.
So did Tom & Ariana really just stop at a kiss in Vegas. They both say yes. Ariana says it’s easy to stop at a kiss. No one’s buying it. Well, because you have a stage full of easy lays. Sorry, calling it like I see it. It is easy to stop at a kiss if you’re, as Kristen calls it, a “fucking adult”. Andy also wants to know why he told Jax, the least trustworthy person in the group, about the kiss. Tom didn’t care anymore at that point so he told Jax. Shut up, you thought he was your friend. Just admit to being played. As for the present time, he & Ariana have been “hanging out” and it’s been awesome. I actually like them as a couple, provided Tom grows and keeps a set.
Kristen is heartbroken over the news. Don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone, eh? She tells us that Tom broke up with her & she was in denial about it for a while.
Lisa doesn’t let her have her sad moment because she needs to let everyone know that Kristen is now with James, a scrawny 21-year-old busser at Sur. So, because she’s moved on – and by moved on, I mean getting herself some booty – she couldn’t have been heartbroken? I just don’t follow the logic of these people.
This is not cool with Tom because he and James started a band together and were going to be roommates after he moved out with Kristen. Whoops. These people are hilarious in the most pathetic way. James had the choice to live with Tom or
bang Kristen. He picked Kristen and she’s not sorry. I gotta tip my hat to Kristen for getting the final “fuck you”. Pretty amazing. Even more amazing is that Tom walked in on them having sex and gave James his pants and underwear. I don’t even understand that – Where were James’s pants & underwear? He didn’t come over naked, did he? And the fact that Tom is so angrily announcing this to the world is cracking me up. Scheana thinks Tom might want to be mad at James and not his EX-girlfriend. Well, and also himself for offering a naked dude his underwear.
Meanwhile, Ariana isn’t worried about Tom cheating on her. She’s known him for 3 years and knows that’s not who he is… even though he cheated on Kristen numerous times in those 3 years? Uh, head in sand much? Kristen thinks the whole thing is hilarious, but she’s bipolar and delusional so what does she know. Ariana says she never said that. Roll tape of Ariana saying exactly that. Ah, she meant borderline personality disorder. Glad we got that clear. Tom says Kristen should have had his back like he did when the Jax rumors came out. Well, yes, but you were both lying so it seems a little… odd… to defend each other. Kristen admits to being an asshole and apologizes. Too little too late, sugar. Guess sleeping on the couch on V-Day instead of with your boyfriend was a bad call too. Andy wonders if Kristen, with all her paranoia, actually drove Tom & Ariana together. Nope, he made a choice. Uh, you did shove him pretty hard.
Time to talk about Stassi’s birthday. Stassi had to know Scheana wasn’t really serious when she said she’d rather be gang-banged by the guys than be in the van with the girls. Yeah, she knows but Jax made it sound bad. Andy wonders if Stassi has mind control over Jax besides thinking he’s weak and stupid. Lisa think he’s dumb when it comes to Stassi. Um, I think he’s dumb when it comes to life.
What about Schwartz & Katie and the infamous drink toss? Katie still thinks it was disrespectful. But was she so drunk she needed to be shut up? Andy, a girl never “needs” to be shut up. Katie says it was a sobering moment. Jax says that he doesn’t see much of them anymore because Katie has a problem with him. She says she doesn’t. Kristen wonders why she would then have a problem with her? Stassi also thinks that’s not right, so Katie backpedals. Jax calls out Katie for doing everything Stassi says… which she does. Tom calls out Stassi for thinking that everyone should listen to her… which she does. Kristen says Katie’s not friends with her because Stassi’s not friends with her… which is true. Katie says it’s because Kristen lied to her face. Shouldn’t it be more because she isn’t a trustworthy friend?
Stassi & Katie just got to the end of their ropes with Kristen when she slept with Tom in Cabo after another drama day of her drinking and threatening to move out. Kristen says that that’s just how they were when they fought… they fought and then they would come together… literally and figuratively. She says this like the cat who ate the canary and clearly intending to spark something in Tom. I don’t think he’s biting. Nope, he’s mad again because they were telling Kristen to break up with him. It wasn’t bad advice, dude. Scheana tries to get them to acknowledge that their relationship was a mess for years and should have been over long ago. Tom saw it as a glass half-full scenario. And that’s why Kristen owned your balls for as long as she did. That’s ridiculous.
Being baited by Andy, Ariana says that what Kristen & Jax did is worse than what she & Tom did. However, Kristen is clearly heartbroken over it and Ariana can see that she feels bad. Kristen is not moved by the revelation & accuses Ariana & Tom of hooking up numerous times over three years… again. And again, they deny it. Kristen says Ariana just wanted to be on the show this season to be close to Tom. Scheana says no she needed a friend. Wait, I thought Sur needed a bartender. Oh right right, that’s just the plot line. My bad. Lisa tells Kristen to zip it, but Kristen doesn’t need her to tell her what to do. It’s her relationship and she’ll do as she pleases. The only reason Ariana’s there is because she’s sleeping with Tom. Maybe, but who cares at this point? Ariana tries again to explain why her cheating with Tom is not as bad as Kristen sleeping with Jax. And Kristen keeps screaming about why Jax & Ariana will never be OK. Are we really trying to negotiate the levels of cheating? Yeah, one might have hurt more people but is there really an excuse for it? Not in my book. They’re all wrong, but no one wants to take any responsibility. Blame game. Boring. What’s next? Ah, Kristen storming off the set because Tom complimented Ariana for how she handled Kristen’s madness. No one’s going to go after her… whoops.
Rachel: Is anyone else as grossed out as I am by the sick amusement Andy gets from stirring up the drama & then making snide comments? I get being annoyed by Kristen interrupting, but I seriously thought Andy was going to lick his chops when she stormed off. His smile was as much of a sneer as Jax’s was after he got punched. So much for impartial jury.