The Bachelor Season 18, Episode 5 – Juan Pablo Hates Birthdays

UPDATED: Don’t forget to dull the pain with the Juan Pablo Drinking Game. Click the link for all the fun details: Juan Pablo Drinking Game Rules.

One Sentence Summary: The numbers are dwindling as more women take the Tear Train home.

Our Thoughts: 

You did what with Clare? And then said what?

You did what with Clare? And then said what?

Rachel: Well, here we are again, fresh off the heels of the most controversial ocean swim in Bachelor history. I’ve read about a dozen different articles about what happened between Juan Pablo & Clare and his behavior afterwards. I’ve seen terms like “slut shaming” and “misogyny” bandied about and I’ve been asked what I think about the whole thing. So, here is one more (unnecessary) voice added to the cacophony of self-righteous opinions flying all over the interwebs.

Plain and simple, they’re both guilty of being assholes. Yes, I said it. Both. Clearly, there is no love lost for me with our dashing hero this season. Yes, I was momentarily swayed early on, but I no longer am Team Juan Pablo. I no longer find him attractive. And I stopped buying what he was selling a long time ago, but I have the benefit of being an objective observer. These girls do not. They’re cut off from the outside world and competing game-show-style for the affection of a man. What do you expect is going to happen? Exactly what abc wants to happen: drama, jealousy and women hellbent on “winning”. So, I can’t necessarily blame Clare for being overtaken by lust/passion/competition and staking out Juan Pablo in the middle of the night. Hell, it worked for Courtney on Ben’s season. And our Latin Lover has done quite the job of playing lothario with Clare – while playing the angel daddy with Renee and sensitive protector with Andi – so I can see why she’d think sneaking out at 4am was acceptable. I mean he did steal her away from the group date for some hot tub alone time just hours before.

That being said, it’s not like Clare didn’t know there were 11 girls back at the house dating the same man. All of them signed contracts too, because this is reality TV and not reality. This was a choice she made and a risk she took as a grown-ass woman. Knowing how this game is played, she put it all out there with Juan Pablo without a commitment, without monogamy and without any thought of the ramifications beyond that moment. Does that make what she did wrong? Hell no. But she did voluntarily make that decision. And it is the reality of that decision. No one pressured her to do anything. This was her call… as far as the information shows.

When the light of day came and Juan Pablo realized what the implications were for HIM with the other girls, he regretted it and needed to get to Clare before the other girls caught wind. And when he did, he acted like a self-righteous, insensitive jerk. He used his daughter as an excuse – which is gross – to weasel his was out of responsibility. I don’t let him off the hook at all for how he treated Clare, nor for how he spoke to her. When he told her to stop crying, I wanted to fly through the TV and kick him hard in the baby maker… a few times. There are about 1,000 kinder and more tactful ways to have handled that.

But here’s the part that bums me out. The part that I don’t hear anyone talking about. The part where Clare didn’t have enough self-respect to get up and walk out, or at the very least, give him a solid piece of her mind. Yes, he’s a low-down dirty shame, but she’s the one that sent the message that it’s OK to sit there and take it. What woman wouldn’t be cheering for her if she had looked him in the eye and told him to go fuck himself. That would be a lesson for moms to share with their daughters. The “have enough respect for yourself to never let a man do you like that” conversation that we women need to be having WAY more often with our daughters, sisters, friends. That and the conversation of being a little more selective with the men with whom we share a bed. Look, I’m a liberated woman and no part of me is judging anyone for breaking off a little sumthin sumthin just for the fun of it, but I am saying there are consequences for choices. That needs to be talked about. That’s what keeps our women safe. Clare made a choice. She made it with the wrong guy, IMO. She couldn’t control how Juan Pablo treated her, but she could control how she responded to it.

And there you have my two cents. Feel free to bawl me out or cheers me in solidarity in the comments. And if you’re part of the latter, here’s the recap from tonight’s show…

Next Level

Sign me up!

Sign me up!

Rachel: Deep thoughts start us off and I’ve paid zero attention to anything coming out of his mouth. I’m not even sure where he is. Oh, New Zealand. That’s super cool. Juan Pablo is excited to continue his adventure with the ladies. He’s ready to take it to the next level and fall in love. He might as well be holding a script as he says this. Can they please get new writers next season who can find new ways to say “taking it to the next level”?

The ladies arrive and are staying at the Huka Lodge. Holy gorgeous. Wow, this place is amazing. OK, I might tongue kiss Juan Pablo to spend a night here because, if I haven’t mentioned it, it’s holy gorgeous. Everyone’s excited to spend time with Juan Pablo there, especially Clare who wants to feel secure again. So getting the first date in New Zealand is crucial. Take the desperation down a notch, lady.

The first date card arrives and it’s time for someone to go drama over not being chosen. Finally, Andi gets her date. Who gets angry this week? Clare. Not a surprise. Cassie is also having issues not getting the date, because she is missing her son and wants to make sure she’s there for the right reasons… another term that needs to be stricken from the vernacular. She never expected Andi to get the date. Um, she’s the only one that hasn’t had one. I’m thinking she’s the only one that could expect to get the date. Once again, Cassandra starts talking about not dating for those long three years. Shut up shut up shut UP!! But she gets sympathy from Single Mom #2, Renee, because they both want to find baby daddies.

Ex-Squeeze Me

Nice boobies.

Nice boobies.

Time for Andi’s date and an escape from the bitching. Off they go, speed boating down the river. Juan Pablo talked to the locals and they told him about a place called the Squeeze. Does anyone actually believe that he was out talking to locals to find date ideas? Didn’t he just arrive 5 minutes before the girls? Anyway, it’s time to go swimming. They get into the freezing water because hypothermia proves you’re ready for love. PS – Girlfriend is rocking the one piece. They wade into some deep crevices and narrow spaces and holy shit my claustrophobia is kicking in and I’m not even there. This place should be called Hell and there had better be wine on the other end of this adventure. There’s not, but I’m going to forgive that because there’s a sick water fall and it’s a hot spring waiting on the other side. Seriously, that’d be romantic with Quasimodo as your date. Yeah, go on and get your mack on. I don’t blame you.

Juan Pablo learns a new English word: geyser.

Juan Pablo learns a new English word: geyser.

Time to have some wine and relax in a beautiful location. Wow, they actually are eating food! Just then, a geyser blows and interrupts them, because no one eats on The Bachelor! Everything is wet and ruined so they decide to take a walk. How are they shocked by this when they’re sitting right in front of a giant geyser? I mean last I checked, that’s what geysers do. Anyway, they find dry land and she tells him that she can’t wait to have a family. Ah yes, the magic words, “I want babies.”and he reveals the rose from inside his jacket.  She says “give me a kiss” in Spanish and I’m pretty sure he just wet his pants.

Balls Deep

Juan Pablo's balls

Juan Pablo’s balls

Back at the lodge, everyone’s waiting on the next date card… and it arrives. Group date: Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Nikki, Kat and Cassandra. That leaves Clare with a one-on-one date, which makes her happy because she feels like maybe it’s actually OK that they boned in the ocean.

The group heads out for Cassandra’s 22nd birthday, which I imagine we’ll hear about 22 times. They start with a picnic and a toast. Chelsie steals some alone time and teaches Juan Pablo how to make noises with a blade of grass, while the other girls look on with jealousy. Enough fun with grass. It’s time to go rolling down a hill in a giant ball filled with water. I don’t know what the hell that’s called, but I need to do it. Kat dives into Juan Pablo’s ball… ha ha. I so was dying to say that. Then Chelsie and Renee get into Juan Pablo’s ball. Nikki gets lip and ball. Sorry, I’ll stop. I think my favorite part is that, at the end, they pop out the bottom like breach babies. Plop.

A man and his girlie umbrella.

A man and his thought.

Time for the cocktail part and Renee gets the first one-on-one time. She tells him about Cassandra being upset and how they miss their babies. He tells her that they’re his special ones. Really? Ones? Who doesn’t want to be one of the ones? She’s happy he doesn’t look at her and Cassandra as having baggage. Now that the kissing is on the menu for the two of them, it’s full on all the time. Next up, Nikki. She wants to tell him how she feels and is the first to say that she’s falling for him. Ah yes, the falling for you line. So it begins. Sharleen’s turn and immediately they’re kissing. She wants to know how he’s feeling. Great! Then she wants to know if he knows how’s she feeling? He says scared but good. She agrees but is also concerned because this process is so inorganic. He tells her to enjoy it and not question it. Then there’s more kissing. Is it me or does their kissing look so uncomfortable? Next up, the birthday girl, Cassandra. She thinks he’s a special guy and is happy to be there even though she misses her son. He’s happy too. But I guess he’s not that happy, because Sharleen gets the rose. Poor Renee, man.

Post-rose, he pulls Cassandra aside, which is never good. He tells her that she’s one of his special ones and that she’s funny, gorgeous and so nice… here comes the but… but he wishes they were in the same chapter of their lives. They’re not so he needs to let her go because Trey misses her. She respects him for not waiting for the rose ceremony, but she’s disappointed. It’s not about being disappointed. It’s about growing. And Juan Pablo thinks she’s grown. Happy birthday, Cassandra! You’ve grown! She wants love so bad and and has been waiting so long. You’re 22! Like minutes into 22. STFU. You haven’t waited dick long. He heads back and tells the girls that he sent her home because he didn’t see a future but he sees a future in the room.

Make It Better

Woo, this is painful.

Woo, this is painful.

Time for Clare’s fix-it one-on-one date. You know the producers are behind this – not that I don’t think they’re behind everything. Damage control time. Juan Pablo and Clare go for a picnic and he tells her that he feels badly about upsetting her. He wants to make sure that she gets that it was his mistake and she shouldn’t worry about it. She says that she was upset because she would never do something that would be weird for his daughter. Apparently, if you haven’t been with someone with a kid, you have to learn that you can’t do certain things, like go swimming in the ocean at night when no kids are around. This is what he tells her. She wonders why he didn’t tell her this BEFORE they went into the ocean. Fantastic question. It’s because she caught him off-guard and he couldn’t say no because it would devastate her. Who keeps letting this guy talk? So you did something you are saying could damage your child because a 32-year-old woman who wouldn’t recover from hearing the word “no”? Get over yourself. She wants to know what the boundaries are. No holding hands, kissing or spending the night in front of Camilla. She’s cool with that, but is confused because technically they didn’t cross any boundaries according to his rules. It didn’t feel right. That’s his story and he’s sticking with it. But I guess she’s cool with that nonsense, because they’re kissing now. She tell us that she’s OK because he apologized. He did? I missed that? She says that in the past she has habitually bolted in these situations. Yeah, honey, I’m thinking you should bolt in this situation.

Once again, he gets Clare out of her pants and into his.

Once again, he gets Clare out of her pants and into his.

Time for cocktails in his suite. I think. Well, it’s inside. Close to a bed. She tells him that conflict makes her bolt. He has no idea what that means. She explains and says she thought about leaving, but how he handled it today made her want to stay. He handled it like a man and made it right. Were we on the same date? She loves the way he protects his daughter and would want that for kids. She also loves being casual. Weird segue but alright. He brings her a pair of sweats and says they should be comfy and just hang out. She’s thrilled because this is real life. Mmhmm… He sees her in his sweats and it makes him hot. Everything about her makes him hot. So she gets the rose. He doesn’t want her to bolt. Time to slow dance to the song from their first date. Oh right, Lord of the Dance hasn’t been kicking up his heels lately. What’s with the snapping?

Cocktail Party

Fascinating story. No, I mean it.

Fascinating story. No, I mean it.

Cocktail party time. Oh sorry, first, it’s time for a heart to heart with Chris Harrison. Right, we need filler now. Chris asks about Cassandra. His chemistry was bigger with other girls and it’s not fair to keep her if she can’t see her son. This begs the question, if they don’t actually get to go home because of the secrecy issues, then is she really seeing her son? He just needs to take tonight to assess conversations and see if there’s something there.

The cocktail party is upon us and Nikki’s nervous because it’s the first ceremony since the first week that she doesn’t have a rose already. Is that right? Who knows. The two of them are so busy flirting that I can’t even concentrate because I’m busy trying not to throw up. She just wants a happy ending. I know a massage parlor that will give you one for an extra $5. Next up, Renee. He thinks she might be worried because Cassandra left. She thinks it would be naive to not be worried at any point. She talks about Ben and her eyes glow which hypnotizes him. He’s having a hard time not kissing her, which is nice because I was worried about their chemistry… though I think she deserves better. I’m conflicted. Chelsie & Kat think one of them is going home tonight. Yeah, that’s a good guess. Chelsie gets her time and knows what she wants in a relationship. He gives her some confidence but I don’t think he’s super feeling her. Kat’s turn and she tells him she’s been journaling. This has been interesting for her and she goes back into her daddy issues. Not now, lady. Not now. I think he’s not feeling this whole “fear of disappointment” line of conversation and I’m gonna lay bets that she’s going home.

Rose Ceremony

Why is Sharleen behind the other girls? Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

Why is Sharleen behind the other girls? Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

Has a rose: Andi, Sharleen, Clare

Already gone: Cassandra

Gets a rose: Nikki, Renee, Chelsie

Going home: Kat

He walks Kat out… I see we’re at the personal escort portion of events. She’s been told she’s a catch her whole life and yet no man… Oh honey, that line forms to the rear.

Meanwhile, Sharleen is weepy and confused. She’s happy to be here and yet she’s feeling it’s wrong to stay on. She feels guilty in a way because other girls suit him better than she does. As he gives his speech about the next stop, Miami, she thinks she’ll give it another week. If it doesn’t happen next week, she’s out. I’d hate to see her leave, because I dig her. However, I don’t think he’s her dude.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:When’s the Thunderdome date? Don’t tell me they got rid of it! I’ll be so bummed.


2 responses to “The Bachelor Season 18, Episode 5 – Juan Pablo Hates Birthdays

  1. I think he did the right thing sending Cassandra home, I liked Andi’s style on the date it was refreshing to see a one piece in a world of bikinis. Clare was getting on my nerves by not giving up on that issue they had but im glad the worked through it.

    • Yeah, it was time for Cassandra to go home and start a community garden. I am a fan of Andi for sure. I think Chelsie will be the next to go home… And I have a feelings Sharleen leaves on her own tonight.

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