The Bachelor Season 18, Episode 5 – Juan Pablo Is Still Mumbling

UPDATED: The Juan Pablo Drinking Game has some new rules! Click the link for all the fun details: Juan Pablo Drinking Game Rules.

One Sentence Summary: Juan Pablo takes “getting to know you” to the next level with one of the bachelorettes.

Our Thoughts: 

Yes, this whole experiment is about as real a love story as the one in Titanic.

Yes, this whole experiment is about as real a love story as the one in Titanic.

Rachel: Is it just me or are Juan Pablo’s speech patterns getting more and more annoying? And trust me, it has nothing to do with his accent. I don’t mind that he asks the girls to “assep” his rose. I don’t even mind that he can’t figure out when to use “in” and when to use “on”. I really don’t. What I do mind, however, is the incessant mumbling and draaaaawing out wooooords when he liiiiiikes a girl. And what’s with the high pitched voice thing too? It’s actually driving me bananas. I don’t even process half of what he’s saying because I’m so irritated by how he’s saying it. I was lulled into a false sense of attraction to Juan Pablo the first couple of weeks, but the fog has lifted and I’m back to wondering how this guy is the Bachelor. Yeah, I’m done with the greatest-dancer, no-kissing-yet-kissing-everyone, best-dad-in-the-world-minus-the-time-I-had-to-go-to-court-over-unpaid-child-support, mumbling Bachelor. Now, let’s drink.

Melissa: I’m baaack!  And friends do I have a fantastic new drink to recommend. Drumroll please… the “strawberry caipiroska”!  This yummy bit of muddled goodness is the Russian answer to the Brazilian caipirinha – but naturally, it’s made with vodka.  Consider this my return-from-vacation gift for your next poolside good time. You know, after polar vortex season.

Recipe: 2 ounces vodka, 1-cup strawberries, hulled, 1 tablespoon sugar and ice – in a shaker, muddle all but 1 of the strawberries with the sugar until juicy. Add enough ice to fill a rocks glass and top with the vodka. Shake to chill, pour into a rocks glass and garnish with the remaining strawberry (depending on your bartender they may add lime and soda).  Vashe zdorovye!  OK, I’ve totally digressed, but for a very good reason. I promise you!

They’re Baaaaack: Deep Thoughts

These deep thoughts hurt my brain.

These deep thoughts hurt my brain.

Rachel: Off we go to Vietnam for some more Asian adventures. And watch out folks, Juan Pablo is ready to take the relationships to the next level. Everyone drink! We find this out as we have moved into the deep thoughts with Juan Pablo portion of events. Yes, what does this Latin Lover think about life and love as he cruises up and down a Vietnamese river? He says that he needs to talk to the girls he hasn’t had much time with yet so that he can get to know them more. That’s the goal of tonight’s show… or not seeing as how the previews have already blown that secret.

Suck My Kiss

Do my strong legs turn you on?

Do my strong legs turn you on?

Rachel: Um, can we talk about the hotel the girls are staying in? It’s beyond ridic. And did they all get a note pinned to their backpack that today’s field trip was all about the scarf? They’re all wearing them in 100 degree weather. Have they pricked their fingers yet and become blood sisters too?

We can talk about that later, a date card has arrived! And the winner is…. Renee! Since Nikki has vowed to not be Bitter Betty this week, Andi steps in and is the one pissed about not getting the date. She needs one-on-one time to know she’s not wasting her time. But it’s Renee who’s going to get the answer to that question…. and finally get a kiss. She’s so excited for her date that her palms hurt. I’m thinking you might want to loosen your grip on the curling iron. Could be the issue.

Renee and Juan Pablo are going to spend the day tooling around Hoi An. Thank God they spell these cities out, because with Juan Pablo’s mumbling it’s impossible to understand. I like that Renee is super casual girl, but didn’t she basically wear that same thing when she rolled out of bed the morning he made breakfast? I’m just thinking maybe one step up from jammies might have been cool. Look, it’s a contest here. Play the game. Anyway, they go for a ride in a pedicab and talk about the only thing they ever talk about: parenthood. But he likes that they’re both single parents. Plus, she’s 32. He’s 32. She wants more kids. He wants more kids. It’s a match made in heaven. 

They stop in a dress shop so she can get a custom one made for her. She’s getting fitted for her dress and is sweating from the brutal heat, so he runs across the street and gets a fan for her. Points for that. She think it’s sweet that he’s buying her a dress. Pretty sure abc is buying you a dress, sweetie. While they wait for the dress, they wander around some more. I’m waiting for the spontaneous street band to play. I will say that I’m a fan of Renee. I hope he is too.

They stop off for a beer and she is feeling the desire for a kiss… again. He avoids it… again. I fear she’s slipping into the dreaded Friend Zone.

Melissa: Hang on now… Why is he still waiting on the smooch?? Hasn’t he lip locked every other lady there? Not a good sign. At least she’s going to get a great dress out of the deal. Then again, depending how the date goes (or doesn’t) she might not want the pretty reminder. Um, I hate to be the Debby Downer here but I question he’s the one picking up the tab for the gifts. DAMN, what’s a girl got to do to get a smooch?!

Admiring the dress... Well, the ass in the dress.

Admiring the dress… Well, the ass in the dress.

Rachel: Time for dinner and she is rocking the purple dress. She even got a raised eyebrow out of Juan Pablo. But will she actually work a smooch out of him? He wants to know about Ben’s dad. She says they were married too young, and grew apart as they grew up. This is the first time that she feels deserving of something for herself. He thinks they’re on the same page and maybe there might be something between them. Hey, he’s blowing on her face! Foreplay, maybe? He is mesmerized by her eyes and has fun with her so she gets a rose. But still no lip. Girl, you better stick your tongue down his throat soon or you won’t make it past next week. She thinks it’s ok if he doesn’t kiss her. No! It’s not ok.

They wander off into the streets and run into kids with lighted wish boxes. Boy, they like making a wish on this show. She wishes for a kiss, but like most romantic dreams on this show, it ain’t coming true. He is concerned for her son and what he might think if he sees mommy kissing that Mushmouth Latin guy. I’m not buying what you’re selling, JP. I’m pretty sure you almost swallowed Cassandra’s head and she’s got a kiddie at home too. Poor, Renee.

Melissa: So he thinks there could be something, but he has yet to go in for the lipper?  Oh snap, she thought that pucker was for a kiss!!  That has to be a kick in the gut… especially if he hasn’t minted up since he’s not passing out a kiss.

Color me completely shocked she’s getting a rose.  I swear, the way he was just talking about her expectations for mean and then no kiss that for sure she was going to get the “I don’t want to keep you away from your son” send-off.  Um, methinks she’s wanting that kiss more than that rose. She just wants a smidge of what he’s giving the other ladies.  Sorry, sweetie.

Solo Group Date

Look! People eating food! On The Bachelor!

Look! People eating food! On The Bachelor!

Rachel:  The group date card arrives: Sharleen, Cheslie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelly, Alli, Danielle and Andi are in. That means Nikki gets the one-on-one. So Nikki continues to keep Bitter Betty at bay. Andi, on the other hand, isn’t so successful.

Today, they’re doing Vietnamese things – actual term. First, they paddle around in bamboo boats. It’s two per boat and Clare snags herself JP as her partner. They get caught in some bushes during their ride, which is a perfect time to kiss her. So Clare is cool to kiss in front of all the other girls, but it’s not cool to kiss Renee in private? This guy is confusing me.  It’s a very strange set of morals he’s carved out for himself.

Next up, the crew wanders into a restaurant where they’re given traditional hats and bowls. Time to pick your own dinner! They are led out to a garden filled with fruits and veggies and “yummy stuff”, says Cassandra. She thinks we should have these community gardens in America. Wow, this girl is dumber than the dirt she’s digging in. Andi gets herself some private time & reassurance in the lemongrass with Juan Pablo. He tells her not to worry and the world is good again! Look, food! And girls eating food! Well, girls, minus Clare, who is barely eating again. But it’s still an actual meal!

Melissa: Wait, why wouldn’t any of the ladies hop on the chance for JP as a partner on the boats?? You just let Clare win by default. Dumb!  OK, let me just pose a question. He has too much respect for Renee to kiss her on her date, but he can tongue bathe Clare’s face in public, and that’s ok? WOW!  Holy cow, all the ladies are full on eating.  This really is the most shocking Bachelor ever.

It's a one-on-one group date.

What other girls?

Rachel: Time for the cocktail party and someone is drinking a blue drink. No blue drinks ever. Just like wire hangers. Juan Pablo grabs Clare first and no one is happy…. except Clare. Chelsie calls it like she sees it; they’re all jealous. Pretty much, but me no likey Clare anymore either. She wants to know what he wants in a woman. He says that she has to love him & Camilla, has to be fun and mature. Great, now that that’s out of the way, they can sneak off to his suite to go for a swim. Um, so basically he’s on a one-on-one group date. This is jacked up. Way uncool to the other girls.

He finally returns and it’s Sharleen’s turn. She wants to make sure that he sees that she’s a panda in room full of brown bears. I’m sure that makes sense to someone. I would not be that someone. By the way, she wins the week again for awesome dresses. I guess he’s into her panda bear on the beach routine, because he’s now sharing Clare’s leftover spit with Sharleen. Why do we always have to see them up close and personal when they kiss? It’s too much information, people. I’ve seen porn with less information… not that I watch porn, of course. She had a bunch of questions for him, but his tongue down her throat is all the answer she needed. Next he takes Andi to the beach and his cuddling makes her believe that all is OK. She also gets some mack daddy time. I guess he’s not playing the no kissing card tonight.

He comes back to hand out the rose and we get no Danielle or Alli time, yet again. This does not bode well for either of them. Clare gets the rose. What a surprise.

Melissa: OK ladies, let’s give me a little drunken merriment… PLEASE!  Just go on, throw back a few cocktails and let’s get the snark rolling.  Wait, he just ditched all the ladies to take Clare to his suite for swimming? Yeah, I wouldn’t even call that swimming adjacent.

Again Sharleen with an awesome dress!  For real, I would love to know where her wardrobe came from.  HA nice, way to play it close to your chest.  Keep him guessing girl.  Again, he’s had his tongue in all the ladies tonight, but poor Renee is still getting pecks on the cheek… that sucks.  I mean for her.  What’s the comfort zone Clare says she’s stepping out of?  Her clothes?

Riding The Wave



Rachel: The girls head home exhausted and pissed at Clare. Clare, on the other hand, is high from huffing rose petals and wants to swim in a warm ocean… with Juan Pablo… now. So off she sneaks at 4am to his hotel suite. He jumps at the chance to jump Clare and they’re splish-splashing through the waves 60 seconds later. They’re swept up in the moment and can’t stop themselves from getting to know each other better. And by getting to know each other better, I mean boning. Wait, is this the first pre-fantasy-suite coitus in Bachelor history?  And did she just compare ocean sex with a baby giraffe? For those at home that are going to say we don’t know for sure if they has sex, I’m going to tell you that they had sex. According to Clare, they “went for it” and it was “bliss”. Thems some humptastic words. And if he didn’t give Clare the final rose at the end of this, there is one pissed off bachelorette giving him some serious stink eye right now. Oh JP, you got some ‘splaining to do!

Melissa: Oh, please honey. You want to “swim? You couldn’t be more transparent if you were a window.  Well, I guess the ploy working for her as she’s getting her “special moment”.  I just hope there was some special protection for that moment.  Just sayin. Now THAT would be the most shocking Bachelor ever!!

Go To Hell

Juan Pablo thinks the view from Hell is pretty good.

Juan Pablo thinks the view from Hell is pretty good.

Rachel: It’s time for Nikki’s date now. Too bad she’s getting a really gnarly version of Bachelor sloppy seconds. But she doesn’t care. She’s got her Let’s Get Physical headband rocking so she’s all good. There’s a lot of weird mumble talk between them, which I guess is flirting, before they go for a hike which leads to a giant crater in the ground… which leads to once again proving one’s love by doing something scary. This time it’s rappelling down to into a cave called Hell. Um, Hell to the no is more like it. But she trusts him and take risks for love. Ah, women with no backbone. She thinks she’s going to poop her pants. I think she might shit them too. There had better be a giant bottle of something deliciously alcoholic waiting in Hell. I say this every day about my own life too. Off she goes, and because he’s with her, she can do it. I’m happy to report that she lands in Hell shit-free.

Melissa: WTF is with that headband girl?  OK, so rapelling into a cave called Hell is the date she drew from the pile?  Um, no thanks. I’ll take my ticket home now.  Why Bachelor?  Why must people jump into holes for love?  HA, at least she’s honest about the pooping her pants.  Just watching, I’m feeling the need for some Depends of my own. No, Nikki, this is NOT like falling in love. I’m going to give you the suspect sideways glance over that comment.  WTF? Why is it a kiss from JP gives the ladies all the courage they need to go on?  Gone is the sideways glance and it’s replaced with BULLSHIT.  That’s right, I shot right past shenanigans straight to bullshit.

That awkward moment Nikki realizes she forgot to wear pants.

That awkward moment Nikki realizes she forgot to wear pants.

Rachel: They head into a different cave for evening cocktails. Apparently, they only give you half a dress in Hell. Granted, if I had her legs, I’d wear shirts as dresses too. They discuss flaws, life and pediatric nursing. There’s nothing she’s more proud of than her job. There’s an innocence and hope that comes from sick kids. Sorry, folks, I have to say that I like Nikki. Last week’s bitchiness and all. I think she’s probably pretty cool and is probably pretty sick of that house and those women. Lord knows I’d be. She’s never dated someone with a kid but thought long and hard about being a stepmom. She’s mature enough and has a lot of love to give a child. She knows it won’t be easy but she’s willing to take it on. She speaks like a grown up. Well, until she says that she feels electric. It’s probably your battery pack shorting out.

Melissa: I guess their love conquered Hell.  But where did she find a flat iron in Hell?  Being without a flat iron is one of Dante’s circles of Hell is it not?  I saw Rodin’s Gates of Hell, and guess what, not a single flat iron anywhere!  Sorry, total tangent – must be the drinking game.  I’m actually impressed she thought (at least claims to) so much about what it means to date someone with a child.

Cocktail Party

It's a bush-bottom boat!

It’s a bush-bottom boat!

Rachel: Cocktail party time: This is getting harder for Juan Pablo. Tonight he has to send home three people and it’s very hard for him. The room is very tense so Clare toasts to finding love, being loved and making love. Any doubts what went down now? But Juan Pablo takes Andi aside first. Clare’s afterglow just got a little dimmer. 

Andi wants to learn Spanish instead of talking about more serious stuff. He teaches her how to say, “Give me a little kiss.” Of course he does and of course they do. He’s feeling feelings for everyone right now. Yeah, that’s called a hard on. He says that Renee is one of his favorites and takes her aside. He wants to kiss her. THEN KISS HER DAMMIT! She’s probably the one girl there that deserves to be kissed. He tells her he’s worried about Ben. She gives him the don’t worry about it conversation and FINALLY he goes in for the kiss. Apparently, it’s a monumental moment being that the background music sounds like she’s about to don a milkmaid’s outfit and spin atop a mountain while singing “The Hills Are Alive”.  

Melissa: Poor Renee is still hoping for her first kiss.  Way to argue your way into a kiss there Renee. Was it all you hoped?  Clearly it was with that whirly-twirl she just did. I was expecting hearts and flowers to come shooting out of her ass while bunnies and baby deer came out of the woods to frolic with her.

On a very special Bachelor, Clare becomes a cautionary tale.

On a very special Bachelor, Clare becomes a cautionary tale.

Rachel: All these ‘feelings’ Juan Pablo is feeling is making him realize what a mistake he made with Clare. He takes her aside and tells her that it was a little weird for him. It wasn’t fair to the other girls to do what they did. She feels silly but it’s about just them to her. She doesn’t think of the other girls. He gets it, but they’re not in that situation. She thinks it should just be about how he feels. Well, he feels it was a mistake, you twit.

There’s also Camilla that he has to worry about. Yes, he’s been so cautious about Camilla up to now with his making out with everyone, posing naked and pulling Clare into his pool and then his junk. He has some balls saying that there can’t be a gay bachelor because their lifestyle is too risqué for national TV. And now we have tears. I mean what did she think was going to happen? He was going to send the other 10 girls home? Oh, she did think that… She feels stupid and is embarrassed. He doesn’t want her to feel bad, but she does, but she shouldn’t, but she does.  And this, my sweet ladies, is why Patti Stanger is always screaming about no sex before commitment.

The girls notice the dip in happiness from Clare when she returns. But really no one cares as much about finding out why as they do about reapplying their lipstick. I’m sure Renee will come to her rescue though. Fucking hell, JP is the one that goes to find her crying in the dark. She’s wants to know if he wants the rose back? He says no, it was his mistake too, but he’s done talking about it. He wants her to just ‘delete it’. He only went to the beach with her to take away her emotion. Dick. It was sweet that she came to the room but it was a mistake. Back to they go to the house and everyone is wondering what all the drama is about. Wouldn’t you love to be in the living room of every one of those girls right about now?

Melissa: Oh, now he’s worried about his special moment with Clare?  This isn’t going to sit well, and I think there’s a chance he just bought a ticket on the bullet train to Crazytown.  See Clare, they’re always onboard in the moment, then the clear light of day comes, and they realize there were cameras rolling and it’s “oh shit” time.  What I can’t understand though is how the ladies can’t add 2 and 2? It’s not rocket science. Do you not watch the show?

Rose Ceremony

It's the most emotional rose ceremony in Bachelor history.

It’s the most emotional rose ceremony in Bachelor history.

Rachel: Well, I think we can pretty much say bye to Danielle tonight. I also think Alli is going because we have not spent a second with her. And my girls are also saying Kelly and her dog are getting sent packing too. I can see that.

Rose ceremony:

Has a rose: Nikki, Clare & Renee

Gets a rose: Sharleen, Cassandra, Chelsie, Kat, Andi

Going home: Alli, Danielle and Kelly

Wait, is he tearing up? Yes, he is. Tears of guilt? I’m kinda pissed about Alli. I think I liked her. Hard to tell since she’s been on for about 60 seconds.

Danielle says she knew there wasn’t a huge connection, but she was hoping to have time to explore it. Probably the most mature exit ever.

Melissa: What does Chris do while everyone is frolicking about around the globe?  Does he just chill on a yacht or get annoyed with the room service options at his hotel cursing the fact that he can’t he get a decent order of French fries?

No real surprises with that ceremony, though tears from JP was a little unexpected.

Bottom Line:

Rachel: Clare needs to spend some time with Steve Harvey’s “90-day Cookie Rule”. I can’t decide if I’m sad to see that Sharleen might be leaving next week. On one hand, she’s my favorite girl on the show. On the other hand, I think she can do better than Juan Pablo.

Melissa: Today’s lesson for all you young ladies out there… that “special moment” sometimes comes with a very awkward conversation after the fact.


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