One Sentence Summary: Stassi takes her scheming to new lows.
Rachel: You know, I’m starting to think that this show is either an elaborate hoax, like The Hills was. I mean are there really people this terrible existing in the real world? So it’s either a hoax or Lisa Vanderpump has succeeded in finding the 5 worst people in LA (Stassi, Jax, Kristen, Tom & Katie) and hiring them for her show… er, I mean restaurant. I mean I just can’t decide who is the biggest asshole of the group since they are constantly battling for that crown. I wouldn’t have put Tom in here a couple weeks ago, because while he clearly is ball-less, he didn’t seem like a total douchebag. I’ve changed my mind. When you are exposed as a serial cheater that made Kristen almost … ALMOST… seem like a sympathetic character, you have reached complete suckitude and are now added to the worst people ever list. You made me almost …ALMOST… feel sympathy for that lunatic girlfriend of yours and that is not cool. Not cool at all. Here’s a hint to the producers at Bravo, we need someone to root for. You cannot have an entire cast of assholes with zero redeeming qualities and expect us to keep coming back for more. I think Peter & Ariana might be root-able, but they’re not around enough to matter. Work it out while I go and watch these dipshits sink to new levels of suck. It’s amazing how such shallow people can sink so low.
Rachel: So, we’re catching up post-Kristen’s meltdown with Stassi, Katie and Kristina. After Kristen stormed out of Sur, the girls were sitting at a table with Lisa, who for some reason, asked about the Jax & Kristen situation. Why? Why, Lisa? You’re supposed to be above this nonsense. So, they call Jax over and he admits that he and Kristen did, indeed, have sex. I’m calling such bullshit on this. Look, I don’t think anyone in this crew is above cheating, but I don’t, for a second, think Kristen slept with Jax… mostly because the thought of it makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. That and because Jax is a sociopath and a pathological liar. Oh and apparently it happened twice. You know Stassi so wants to believe it’s true, because it gives her something to be drama over for attention. Oh poor little Stassi, the victim. How could Kristen do that? She is evil and Stassi can no longer be friends with her. And the rest of the crew falls right in line like good little lemmings. I mean Katie is pretty much too dumb to think for herself, but Lord, does no one have an iota of common sense? Jax wouldn’t know the truth if it was a pair of balled up socks resting in his jock. Morons. But now Stassi is on a quest to destroy Kristen because well, boredom.
Meanwhile, Kristen is at home working on her resumé so she doesn’t have to go back to Sur ever. And it will get done just as soon as she can figure out how to make a bullet point. Facepalm. So, you won’t be applying for any jobs the require computer skills then? She also thinks it would be good to include the fact that she’s good in group situations. You do realize that that is a TV camera pointed at you, right?
Lisa is trying to make an escape from Sur when Stassi chases her down in her car. They’re both still “gobsmacked” from Jax’s huge confession. Oh Lisa, you’re not buying this are you? Stassi tells Lisa that she wants to destroy Kristen. Lisa understands, but would like her to not do it at Sur. Well, if Lisa would fire Kristen, it would be helpful. Lisa explains, again, that she can’t fire someone because of Stassi’s personal issues. Yeah, there’d be exactly zero people working there. She also doesn’t want Stassi ganging up on Kristen. Yeah, right.
It’s Jax’s birthday and he just got dropped off in a Mercedes. What? Anyway, he’s having dinner with his boys, sans Tom Sandoval, at The Palms. He’s excited for a night without women, which is when Stassi walks in. Since he’s crashed her birthdays, she can crash his. Besides, she needs to discuss him banging Kristen… in front of all his boys. This is news to the guys and they are all pretty much disgusted. They can’t believe he would do that. This is pretty to funny watching them all bro out while wearing bibs. But Stassi has more up her sleeve, she wants all the gory details about Jax & Kristen, because she needs them for her evil plan to ruin Kristen. She also needs him to be present at said take-down, because if he really cares about her like he says he does, he will show up and help ruin someone’s life. Ain’t love grand? God forbid Jax stand up to Stassi. He’ll be there for her so she can execute her master plan. Worst. Person. Ever.
Kristen & Tom meet with an editor who is going to redo Kristen’s reel. How fun! We get to watch Kristen’s bad acting and really awkward sex scenes. While he works, Kristen tells Tom that she’s nervous about seeing Stassi & Katie tonight. She just wants to clear the air and move on. She’s at the end of her rope with the drama at Sur and really needs to get her acting career going. You mean outside of this show, right?
And it’s time for the take down. The entire Sur crew shows up at Beso so they can witness this nonsense. I can’t even believe people showed up for this. Wait, yes, I can. These people have no moral compass. Tom and Kristen enter the lion’s den and Scheana is immediately out of her seat to show off her ring. Yes, let’s get congrats from the people you are there to watch get crucified. Does it get faker and more self-centered than that?
Stassi lets Kristen make apologies and explain herself before lowering the “you banged my boyfriend” boom on her. Kristen replies with, “Which one?” Which one???? Oh no, you didn’t just ask that? Talk about poking the beast. Once they
sort out which boyfriend, Stassi lays out the whole tale for Kristen and gets Jax to back it up. Kristen denies all of it. Yeah, I’m still not buying Jax’s story. Neither is Tom. But Stassi reasons that Jax has to be telling the truth because why would Jax say something to make him look bad if it was a lie? Um, cause he’s a sociopath and he feeds off of this drama? Stassi is done with Kristen for forever. And here we go with the back and forth STFUs. But it’s Stassi that strikes the final blow, literally, as she backhands Kristen across the face. OK, Zsa Zsa, take it down a notch. You’re way out of line top to bottom here. She’s not done though and drinks get tossed. Girl fight! They get pulled apart so Tom & Jax can start screaming at each other. Tom & Kristen realize they are outnumbered and leave. I am not sure how anyone sitting there can feel good about themselves.
The next day, Stassi tells Lisa about her Bad Girls Club moment and is rather amused by herself. Lisa isn’t quite as amused and would like Stassi to let it go, now. Nope, ain’t happening. Lisa reminds her that she’s the one in charge. If she sees any nonsense from her, she’s getting sent home. I’d love to see that.
Tom & Kristen are at home planning to move somewhere that’s not LA where they can still act. They come up with Canada. Right, because New York wouldn’t have made more sense. Kristen can’t understand why anyone would believe Jax when he’s proven to be a liar about everything, including his name. Because they all thrive on drama. All the other bullshit has been resolved, so they had to come up with something else to feed on. Jax has no more skin in the game now that the Ariana & Tom thing is done, so he came up with something else. How does no one get that?
Jax sees Lisa at Sur and goes off on him for creating yet another mess. She thinks he gets away with too much and takes no responsibility. He thinks admitting the truth – and we use the term truth lightly – is taking responsibility. No, saying you’re sorry is. Making amends is. Then again, you’d have to actually be telling the real truth to do that. Lisa’s had it with him and dismisses him. Sorry sweetie, not everyone is mesmerized by your bullshit.
Kristina, the replacement member for Kristen in the evil troika, goes for some tanning with Stassi & Katie. They’re tanning before they go to the beach. Yep. That’s happening. But first they have to talk about how much they hate Kristen and hope that she doesn’t come. Do they know they sound like petty teenagers?
Beach day for the crew so they can recuperate from the really tough few days they’ve had. Yeah, really rough. They all drink and hate on Kristen while making excuses for Jax. Everyone already knows he’s a piece of shit, so it’s ok. No, it’s
actually not, but why am I even bothering to apply logic to this crew? Jax says he’s not remorseful and he’s chosen to not be Tom’s friend anymore. Stassi thinks he’s disgusting. Scheana thinks he’s the worst person ever. Schwartz is shocked that he feels no remorse. And yet, you’re all continuing to hang out with him. What does that say about you? With that, Tom shows up and asks to see Jax’s phone. He finds texts that totally incriminate Kristen and is gutted. He then asks Jax questions none of us wanted to answers to ever: They only used protection once; they never kissed; she went down on him with no protection. Hurl. And yet, I still don’t believe Jax. I don’t. You can fake texts. I wouldn’t put it past him to have gone into Kristen’s purse at work and sent them himself. I wouldn’t put it past Stassi either. Regardless, Tom feels betrayed and confused. Jax pretends he’s sorry, which we know he’s not. He doesn’t see why Tom’s upset. He cheated too. Yes, he did, but do you not get the extra line that was crossed? Unreal. The whole thing.
Rachel: I hope Tom really beats the shit out of Jax next week. Like not TV show beat up. Like Mike Tyson on bath salts beat up.