One Sentence Summary: Carlton’s naughty and nice are on display tonight, and we’re not just talking about her bits.
Rachel: Yeah, so I’m straight up skipping last week’s show. I sincerely doubt I missed much more than Lisa & Brandi sniping and Kyle trying to win back her Most Popular tiara. I prefer to jump straight to Carlton casting spells on people. That sounds like a far better time to me. I’ve got to pick out a big, deep red wine for this event. Feels like a good spicy Zin would match up well with a spell, don’t you? Besides, I’m feeling a little run down after a week with family so I think the antioxidants in the wine will help make me feel better as well. Yep, it’s my medicine people. Don’t judge.
Rachel: Carlton is preparing for her pool party and explaining to her children that they cannot come because the adult behavior will be too… adult. Thankfully, they’re out of the house when the people from the Hustler shop arrive and the um, models, start getting painted gold. She’s ready to shock the other ladies because they’re going to see the real Carlton today. Yeah, we know. You’re so risqué and adventurous. It’s not like you shove it down our throats or anything… oh wait.
PS – If you want to see real body painting and risqué behavior, spend a week in Key West for Fantasy Fest. It’ll make your gold models look like you found them in the 99¢ Store.
We are attending the Hollywood Autograph Collectors Show with Kim. Wait, I’m sorry are people really paying for Kim’s autograph? And can we discuss the people that we’re calling famous? Amy Dolenz? Diane Franklin? She was in “Better Off Dead” in the 80’s and…. that’s it. Dancing With The Stars is even a few levels up from this. But OK, if you can still make money off of it, go for it. Can’t be mad at someone for getting theirs. Kim says she has all kinds of fans including her “Hello, Larry” fans. Really? There are “Hello, Larry” fans out there? I forgot that was even a show. This is a really bizarre event. I feel a little dirty just watching. And it certainly gets no better when Jimmy McNichol rolls up, chomping on his gum like he’s Kenickie, and hits on Kim. Can we get out of here now?
Shout At The Devil
I’ve never been so thankful to see a half-naked Carlton after that nonsense. Time for her party and her nanny to touch her boobs. The party’s in full swing with pole dancers, painted ladies (literally and figuratively), booze and bits hanging out everywhere. Even Yolanda came dressed for the part in her Wonder Woman bathing suit, which I kinda love and kinda need to have. I also kinda need to have her body.
Everyone’s having fun until Lisa reprimands Brandi for not having gone to the doctor yet for her bruised hand. Honestly Lisa, enough. She doesn’t enjoy your mothering her, so stop. She doesn’t work at Sur. She can handle her own mess. And even if she can’t, it’s her mess. Yolanda nails it when she says that Brandi doesn’t want to be mothered, so she’s revolting like a child. Yep.
Kyle eyes the Hustler bags and wants to know what’s inside. Carlton says nothing that can chip your teeth. My brain can’t even process that and probably doesn’t want to. She tells Lisa & Kyle that there’s a candle and the wax can be used as massage oil or to be dripped on their men. Kyle would rather discuss Carlton’s pentagram tattoo that she mistakes for a Jewish star. Oh Kyle, I missed the pentagram for a minute too, but I didn’t go the Jewish star route. Six-pointed star vs a 5-pointed star? Come on, now. That’s embarrassing for you, my Jewess.
Sweet baby cheeses! WTF is that woman holding??? Yes, we’re back at the freak fest with Kim and she’s talking to a woman that is holding a WerePup doll. You read that right and it’s exactly what you think it is. That is the stuff of nightmares right there. And I just looked it up to see how much people spend on such an item… They start at $500. People be crazy up in this bitch. Kim takes a pic with the WerePup and is admonished by the owner to be careful with it. You know, because WerePup is a real baby. Then some chick rolls up and gives Kim her great-grandmother’s turtle pin, because she loves turtles. Seriously, this place makes Comic Con look like an insurance convention. I’m so confused by all of this. Kim feels loved. I feel like I need more wine.
Peace & Tequila
Back to the debauchery by the pool. Um, actually in the pool. Okie doke, you go get your sumthin sumthin in public. Meanwhile, Kyle gives Carlton her necklace as a peace offering. Carlton actually is touched and thinks maybe she could be wrong about Kyle. That thought freaks her out and she immediately gets herself a shot.
Paint By Numbers
Yolanda is home making fresh lemonade with lemons from her garden, natch, for the painting party she’s hosting for the ladies. They’re going to make pictures for Gigi to make her less lonely, while she’s away at school. That’s sweet. Does Bella ever get anything? We only ever hear about Gigi.
Yolanda gets a text from Lisa at 3:28 saying she won’t be making the party that starts at 3:30. Whoops. Lisa’s not doing a great job of showing up these days. Over-committed much? Yolanda, our resident stickler for manners, thinks she should have heard from Lisa the night before. Quite true. Lisa, you know better.
Joyce & Carlton are the first to arrive and I’m pretty sure Carlton was smoking something on the way over. She’s all purry and stroky and strange. Yolanda has her put her hands on a crystal to help calm her. It doesn’t work because when Joyce says something about Brandi wanting a glass of wine when she shows up, Carlton goes off on her for putting labels on Brandi. Say what? First of all, if no one is drinking and Brandi is the only one not there, then it would make sense to think that they only need the wine if Brandi is drinking. Second, Brandi is going to drink the wine. Third, calm down Carlton.
The girls get to painting and Carlton wants to know if anyone has heard anyone talking shit about her. The girls all do the wide-eyed, innocent “Noooo”. So nothing about her witchcraft? “Noooo.” Carlton says that she woke up a few nights ago with the feeling that Kyle is talking shit behind her back. They all think she should just talk to Kyle directly and try to get back to painting happy little fluffy clouds. Um, I have no idea what is going on with Carlton right now, but she’s like a cat in heat that’s ready to pounce. I get that she’s protective of her religion and feels like she should be able to practice whatever faith she chooses. I’m a huge HUGE proponent of that and not judging other people’s choices. There’s a reason it’s called a faith and not a fact. But, that being said, I’m not sure Kyle is as much talking shit as she is being curious and discussing it in a really immature manner. I mean it is Kyle we’re talking about. Yolanda is done with the conversation and would like them to focus on the painting. Good call.
Aaaaand that doesn’t work so we’re back to talking about Kyle. Everyone keeps saying to go directly to the source. Brandi thinks Kyle is afraid of having a spell cast on her. I’m thinking right now they should all be afraid. Idiot Joyce chimes in that spells only get to you if you believe in them. Oh Lord, why must you poke the spell-casting bear? And really, if she believes it and you don’t, just smile like the pageant queen you are and keep your pie hole shut. You’ve now disrespected someone that was already feeling disrespected and that ain’t cool. And this is the second time Joyce has put her religion up above someone else’s. That’ll put you on my shit list for life. It’s just so arrogant, but let’s consider the source. Joyce thinks she and her life are pure perfection.
But there’s an interesting ending to this story… Joyce went home that night and her husband Michael got violently ill. Coincidence? Or more…. Muhahahaha!
Kyle is doing a stint on Days Of Our Lives. She gets her hair done, talks about memorizing lines and her acting career. Then she does a scene and talks to Deirdre Hall. Yeah… So there’s that.
Rachel: I feel badly that Michael, who I actually like, got punished for Joyce’s arrogance, but maybe she’ll think twice before she talks shit the next time.