The Bachelor Season 18, Episode 4 – Juan Pablo Is Not Kissing You

UPDATED: The Juan Pablo Drinking Game has some new rules! Click the link for all the fun details: Juan Pablo Drinking Game Rules.

One Sentence Summary: Juan Pablo continues his quest to be the first Bachelor to dance his way around the world.

Our Thoughts: 

jofie

Lord Of The Prance

Rachel: Tonight we begin our trip around the world to see if love blooms more brightly on foreign soil. I will tell you that I hope the dates are more exciting on foreign soil because I’m honestly bored thus far. I mean Lucy – aka: Tits Magee – is gone so I’m not sure what crazy is left for my entertainment purposes. I think Clare might be a woman on the verge so hopefully she’ll crack open a bottle of bat shit and keep this girl’s eyes on the prize. Something’s gotta give because the thrill of Juan Pablo is gone. The charm of his little whisper/mumble thing and love of the dance is now just grating on my nerves. I still think someone needs to slip some 5 Hour Energy into his breakfast and crank this party up a few notches. I’ll be slipping some Mulderbosch rosé into my glass tonight and cranking up this party of one since Melissa is in Aruba again… without me… again.

Pop and Cock Block

Our last precious moment with daddy and child for a few week.

Our last precious moment with daddy and child for a few week.

Rachel: We’re starting with the typical Best Daddy In The World bit. He says that he’s going to be traveling now, and he’s sad to say good bye to Camilla. And yet, he is somehow finding the strength to focus on himself and go on this adventure. Yeah, that was the fastest turn around from “I’m so sad to leave my daughter” to “Let me get my swerve on” I’ve ever seen. Really hard to rip yourself away, eh?

Meanwhile, Chris, wearing a much better shirt than last week, tells the girls that they’re going to the home of K-Pop and Gangnam Style. Only one girl knows what that means, and that’s Sharleen, of course. The rest of the girls are blank. Chris lets them in on the fact that they’re going to South Korea and that they have one hour to pack. Mass hysteria! Clare can’t believe she’s going to go to Seoul when she doesn’t even have a kimono. Yes, how can one go to Korea without a Japanese robe? She probably doesn’t have her chopsticks for all that sushi either! Sometimes I forget that Asia is just one giant country too! Kinda like Africa. What a twit.

Dance Dance Revolution

Juan Pablo is really digging Kat's, um, moves.

Juan Pablo is really digging Kat’s, um, moves.

The girls get settled into their hotel room as the first date card arrives. It’s a group date for: Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat and Nikki. Nikki is super bummed because she does not excel in a group setting and is officially annoyed by the other girls. I’m gonna have to give her an “I feel you sister” glance on that one. I’d have to be permanently knee-walking drunk to put up with all that squealing and crying.

Juan Pablo arrives and tells the girls that they are going to be experiencing K-Pop  (Korean Pop music) today. Gawd, K-Pop makes my head hurt, and I’m pretty sure it is NOT taking over America, JP. They’re going to be dancing, of course, with Twenty One, the biggest K-Pop band in South Korea. Are we sure Juan Pablo is here to find love? I’m starting to think it’s one giant audition for him to be a back-up dancer on Beyonce’s next tour.

The crew shows up to the band’s dance rehearsal to learn some moves. But first, it’s time for the girls to dance down the line and show off their moves. Kat goes all hip-hop Rockettes, while Nikki gives us her best sprinkler. Chelsie is loving it because her dream was to be a back-up dancer. Reach for the stars. Kat isn’t worried about this routine, because she’s a dancer and will be the best of the group. Does Kat know that Cassandra was a professional dancer in the NBA? You know, before she became a cliche and got knocked up by a player. I don’t think that fact has dawned on her.

They learn a dance and get the good news that they are going to be performing it with the band at their show tonight. Oh Nikki is not a happy camper. How long before she starts crying? But really, how did you not see that coming? The show, by the way, is in a mall. I’m having visions of Tiffany dancing in my head. They do their routine and Kat turns into a pop-and-lock maniac. She thinks she’s rocking it and that the crowd is all focused on her. She’s really drinking her own Kool-Aid. While Kat basks in the glow of her mall debut, Nikki is thrilled the whole date is over. So are we, dear. So are we.

Juan Pablo is impressed by a girl that isn't afraid to bust out the Running Man.

Juan Pablo is impressed by a girl that isn’t afraid to bust out the Running Man.

Time for the after-party and they are in a pretty awesome spot I must say. Kat wants JP to know that she’s more than her awesome dance moves, so she pulls him aside and tells him that, but I think he’s more interested in flirting with her. Not good when a guy doesn’t take you seriously. Nikki brings up to the girls that she thinks Kat acts one way in front of the cameras and another in front of the girls. Meanwhile, Kat tells JP that her dad was an alcoholic who never got help. He also had 7 DUIs. Man, do not even get me started on that bullshit. Being vulnerable is her biggest fear and his… in case you missed it last week… is not being a good father. Kat comes back to a cold group of girls, which everyone says is because of Nikki and her negativity. I’m thinking she’s just sick of hanging out with these idiots. But Week 4 and the catty is out of the bag. Yay!

Elise is getting alone time and doing the worst thing she can do, which is tell him that some of the girls in the house would not be good mothers. Girl, have you never seen the show? The girl that brings drama to the Bachelor’s attention gets the boot. Hope your bags are still packed.

It’s Nikki’s turn and it’s been a hard day for her. She’s nervous and shy and it’s hard for her to open up because she shrinks around all the big personalities. He tells her to be herself. DRINK. Nikki says she loves kids and works around them every day. Kids, Elise. Talk about kids. That’s the secret to success. Nikki done good with Juan Pablo. So good that she gets pulled aside and gets the rose… AND some lip.

The Chase

The awkward moment when Sharleen realizes her IQ is twice that of Juan Pablo's.

The awkward moment when Sharleen realizes her IQ is twice that of Juan Pablo’s.

A new date card arrives and it’s the one-on-one date. It goes to Sharleen. Clare is about to claw her eyes out, you know, because there isn’t real chemistry between her and JP. Keep telling yourself that Clare. Sharleen gets ready and we find out that she’s still not sure about JP. Finally, a girl that isn’t in love on the first date. She’s actually interested in exploring her own feelings. I dig it! With that, we embark on our first official walk around the city date. They eat lots of interesting foods that are clearly not always pleasant tasting.

They stop by a tea house which is a good opportunity for them to get deep and see if they can connect. He asks about her singing and she tells him she’s been doing it since she’s been little. She thinks he’s a bit of a smart ass, which she likes. It makes him not bland, a word he doesn’t know. She is impressed by him in a way she didn’t expect to be. He seems totally in awe of her, which is interesting because it feels like the only relationship where he’s not 100% in the power position. Thumbs up from this girl, though I’m not yet convinced they make sense for the long run.

DId you not just hear me say I'm iffy on the kid thing?

DId you not just hear me say I’m iffy on the kid thing?

The sun goes down and they’re in a quiet square. He wants to hear her sing. She doesn’t want to, because for some reason, she doesn’t want the early stage of their relationship to be about opera. I don’t quite get that. You’re not a rock star where the awe of your fame will blind him to who you really are. She sings anyway.  He digs it so he makes out with her. She probably scares him in a lot of ways, but I like that he likes her. She’s sophisticated and a grown-up; a rare breed on this show.

At the no-food dinner, she tells him that she hated living in Germany at first, because no one spoke English. She misses the culture of some place that feels like home. They talk about culture and life and have a real conversation. Then he drops the bomb: how many kids does she want? She’s evasive. He says that to be with a man with a kid you have to be mature and realize it’s hard. She concurs, so he asks her again. How many kids? She never thought about kids because she’s been so career focused. She dated a man who had a kid and it was hard for her because he did that first with someone else. She wasn’t ready for the situation. I’m not sure that was an actual answer, but it’s time for the rose so we’ll see how Juan Pablo liked it. He says that he likes her and he especially likes that she’s different. He appreciates her honesty, and gives her the rose. Interesting…

Meanwhile, the girls are back home talking smack about Sharleen. He wants a mother for his daughter and someone that wants kids. Renee doesn’t see her wanting to be on the ground chasing a newborn. Yeah, well, she’s coming home with a rose, so I guess the one person that matters does see it.

Little Fishies 

A man and his back-up singers.

A man and his back-up singers.

Another group date is upon us and the remaining girls – Renee, Clare, Lauren, Alli, Andi & Kelly – are headed out for some karaoke. Really more singing and dancing? Wait, now they’re paddle boating. I swear I just looked away for a second. Clare is having a moment because he’s in the boat with Andi & Renee and she hasn’t spent time with him in a long time. Chill. Next, they head to one of those weird pedicures where the fish eat the dead skin off your feet. No thanks. Clare finds a way to seat herself next to him when she sees Renee getting too much attention. This girl is a level 5 clinger. They move on to street food and Clare hopes there’s no octopus. So naturally, they’re eating octopus and she refuses to try it. Jesus, it’s not a cricket. But Clare is all drama for attention so she makes a scene for 5 minutes before trying her fingernail-sized piece of octopus, which must be laced with poison from her reaction. It’s almost like his daughter is with them.

Clare finds something she's not afraid to put in her mouth.

Clare finds something she’s not afraid to put in her mouth.

Time for the cocktails and boy does that Juan Pablo like some champers, not that I blame him. He grabs Renee first and they talk about kids and vulnerability. Renee is feeling the moment and wonders what Camilla would think if they kissed? Don’t bring the kid into the sexy. I guess JP agrees because he shoots her down, but says he’s not kissing anyone tonight. He needs to be an example for his daughter. Wait, suddenly he’s concerned about kissing people? Poor Renee, that can’t feel good. She may have just landed in the friend zone, but if he really sticks to not kissing anyone, then I may think she has a fighting chance.

Alli didn’t get lip either and Clare is happy to hear that. I think she’s about sixty shades of crazy. Kelly got no kisses either. Andi and he have some banter and he likes that she gets his humor. They definitely have chemistry. I may have to redo my top chicks list and put Andi on it.  We don’t see any kissing there either. Lauren’s turn. She would like to dance and get a kiss, but he says no, which is confusing to her since he’s suddenly gone all Pretty Woman with his no kissing rule. Lauren actually starts crying, and it’s not surprising because it’s got to be a shitty feeling getting shot down.

While Lauren calms down, Clare makes her move to get her own kiss. They chat and she tells him she threw up in her mouth after the octopus. Yes, because nothing says “kiss me” like telling a guy that you threw up earlier. She brings up how she had told him that she was taking kissing off the table because you can get to know each other better that way. What she never said, however, was for how long she was taking it off the table. Aaaaand they’re kissing. She’s just so hot and pretty and sexy so he can’t help it. Always digging deep, JP. Gee, what a shocker that he didn’t manage to not kiss anyone, and then he picks the loon to kiss. Clare’s feeling pretty good about herself until he gives the rose to Andi. Muhahahaha!

Andi gets the rose? That bitch had better sleep with one eye open tonight.

Andi gets the rose? That bitch had better sleep with one eye open tonight.

Cocktail Party

And so begins the battle of the blondes.

And so begins the battle of the blondes.

Tonight’s cocktail party takes place in a Korean palace. The tension is thick between the girls and Juan Pablo can feel it. Apparently the girls made a pact that the girls with roses wouldn’t try and get time with Juan Pablo. Yeah, that never works. And it doesn’t work this time either as Nikki goes to bust in on Clare. Needless to say, girlfriend ain’t happy. When Nikki talks to JP, he asks about issues in the house. That leads Nikki to believe that Clare opened her pie hole to him. Nikki goes to tell Kelly what happened and Kelly thinks Clare is just crazy. I agree. With that, Clare joins the conversation and Nikki tells her what she thinks went down. Clare denies it. They talk and it’s a bit of a passive-aggressive tete-a-tete until Clare pulls the “you’re one way with him and another way with the other girls” routine on Nikki… who just pulled it on Kat. Clare doesn’t think Nikki’s behavior warrants a rose. Nikki isn’t interested in what Clare thinks since she’s not handing out roses. Game, set, match: Nikki.

Rose Ceremony

Because getting sent home isn't humiliating enough, let's let everyone stare as you make your exit.

Because getting sent home isn’t humiliating enough, let’s let everyone stare as you make your exit.

Rachel: I don’t know how many girls are leaving tonight, but I’m not feeling good about Danielle, Elise & Lauren’s chances. Elise because they’ve made such a big deal about her feeling a connection. Lauren because well, the non-kiss. And Danielle because she’s had exactly 2 seconds of screen time.

Rose ceremony:

Has a rose: Nikki, Sharleen, Andi

Gets a rose: Renee, Chelsie, Kelly, Danielle, Cassandra, Alli, Clare, Kat

Going home: Elise & Lauren

In the words of Meatloaf, two out of three (predictions) ain’t bad. Man, this is one humiliating walk of shame. It’s up there with Ben in his dingy after Ashley sent him home. Elise is super bummed but her mom wouldn’t want her in the house with such ugly people. So it’s not a castle anymore?

Bottom Line:

Rachel: OK, I’ll admit the previews for next week have me sucked back in. My new top 3 is now: Sharleen, Andi and Alli.

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