The Bachelor Season 18 – Juan Pablo Is Disappointing

UPDATED: The Juan Pablo Drinking Game has some new rules! Click the link for all the fun details: Juan Pablo Drinking Game Rules.

One Sentence Summary: Juan Pablo’s public stock took a hit this week, but in henhouse he’s still king rooster.

Our Thoughts: 

Chris, when your stylist starts making you wear her kid's home ec project, it's time for a new one.

Chris, when your stylist starts making you wear her kid’s home ec project, it’s time for a new one.

Rachel: Having a hard time making tonight’s episode happen. After Juan Pablo gave the world his views on homosexuality and news broke that he skipped out on some of his child support payments, I’m feeling less caliente about our Latin Lover. I get that I don’t tune into The Bachelor for moral guidance from its stars, but it makes it hard to root for someone that is ignorant enough to say the things he said and plays the role of perfect father. I’m sure he’ll be coached by abc in time for the reunion show where he can make amends by answering carefully crafted questions lobbed gently at him by an understanding and tender Chris Harrison. I also get that he didn’t go all Phil Robertson, but I’m bummed. That’s the bottom line. So, I watch tonight half-heartedly and we’ll see what happens.

Melissa:  I have to be honest friends, I have no clue what our little crew is up to this week.  It’s been a long week (yes, it’s only Monday) and I’m headed out of the country in a day and still haven’t packed.  So I’m relying on my little info button to provide details like JP is cooking up some breakie for the ladies.  This should be interesting.  I wonder what the over / under is for how long it takes them to come down knowing he’s there.

Splish Splash

Taking off-roading to new levels.

Taking off-roading to new levels.

Rachel: The girls are all sitting around waiting for the next date card with the anxiety level of teenage girl peeing on an EPT stick. Chris walks in with his terrible shirt and tells the girls that there’s a group date and 2 one-on-one dates tonight. With that, he does his version of the mic drop – leaves the date card and bails before anyone can get drama on him.

Cassandra gets the date. I guess baby tears gets you a date and drunk tears gets you sent home. I’m already dreading the date with vacant Cassandra. She bugs me. Sorry. While she gets ready, Juan Pablo force feeds his kid chicken as he gets his obligatory on-camera “Best Dad In The World” time. He wants this date with mommy Cassandra to make sure there’s something there between them so he doesn’t waste her time.

She shows up and they hop in an open-air car thing (technical name) for a drive. She’s nervous since she hasn’t been on a first date since she was 18… 3 whole years ago. How ever did she survive? Turns out the car is an amphibious car and their car ride turns into a boat ride. OK, that is pretty cool. The boat ride then turns into a yacht ride. Are they going to take off in a helicopter from here? Immediately they jump into the water which must be freaking freezing seeing as how it’s California and it’s sunset. But love means never having to say I’m cold.

Back at home, Renee and Kat discuss the fact that Juan Pablo is very concerned about mommies so Cassandra might be going home. I love the random thinking that happens when you shut off all access to the outside world and add alcohol.

Melissa:  I suppose the ladies are all getting a little stir crazy at the house… who can blame them.  I mean I’d be offering to run out for groceries just to escape all the estrogen.  But there’s Chris with the first date card to break the monotony – yeah, that will help. Cassandra lucks out with the first date card of the week and according to previews it looks like Bachelor is following their tried and true “do something completely ridiculous / jump off of something to prove your love” approach.

So we get a little Dad time while JP thinks about how important it is to not waste Cassandra’s time on a date which again, I will say is super cool of him not to want to drag the ladies along.  Every week, he just reels me in.  He’s like Latin quick sand (but in a good way)… the more you fight it, the more you just get sucked in.  Um, so they’re just going to car/boat around?

OK, I’ll just put it out there that I wouldn’t hate going on the Bachelor to chill on yachts for dates.  Oh and there’s the obligatory jump for love!!  Is that on the drinking game?  It should be.

I like Renee getting the scoop with the ladies for our benefit.  It helps having a friend on the inside.  I’ve been saying this all along… we need to have a mole in the house who digs the dirt and let’s us see the “real” ladies.  Come on Bachelor… let’s make that happen!  I would offer, but I’m old as dirt and someone might figure it out.

Juan Pablo admires Cassandra's personality.

Juan Pablo admires Cassandra’s personality.

Rachel: Juan Pablo has brought Cassandra back to his place so she can feel at home. (FYI, the kid is with his parents so there will be no awkward interruptions.) OK, Cassandra has now said for the third time that it’s her first date in three years. We get it. We do. They cook – we have food! – and dance. She mostly giggles. Hey guess what! Cassandra hasn’t been on a date since she was 18! Thanks, it usually takes me being told something 4 times before I can do the math on it. Man, if this was in the drinking game, we’d all be wasted by now. And seriously, it’s 3 measly years and you were pregnant for 1 of them. You’re not teetering on the brink of having your face featured on a set of Old Maid cards at the ripe old age of 21. Let it go. Granted, I don’t think she’s bringing much more to the table.

This date is boring the tar out of me. They eat chocolate and look at pics of their kids. And then they giggle some more. Please let this date end! Juan Pablo likes her because she’s a mom…. she’s also a caring mom… and he also likes that she’s an overprotective mom. Oh and she’s hot. She gets the rose. She hasn’t felt this way about anyone in… you guessed it, three years. Shoot me.

Melissa: Wait, JP has Cassandra to his house?  No offense, but how many times are we going to hear this is her first date in 3 years?  {DRINK}  But even more note worthy is the actual making of dinner… dare we think we’ll see them eat??  Say it isn’t so!  It’s a Bachelor first.  Yeah, that would make it a remarkable season… “This season we’ll go where none have ever gone before… they’ll eat!”

I’ll admit, I like their date and the casual dialogue.  Though I guess it’s not about the dialogue now is it?  But here’s my question… why does she keep basing everything on 3 years ago? {drink} Let go… let yourself move on girlie.

Kick It

The girls forget which scoring they're supposed to be focused on.

The girls forget which scoring they’re supposed to be focused on.

Rachel: Back at the house, Renee and Elise are chatting about why they’re both here. We know Renee’s single mom story. Elise’s mom passed away from cancer, but had written a letter to get her on the Bachelor that she never sent. When Elise was cleaning out her mom’s stuff she found it and it was a sign that she was supposed to be here… in a castle. Wait, do you know what a castle actually looks like? Look, I get the heart stuff with parents that have passed but I’m not sure this was a sign that your mother wanted you in a “castle”, as much as your mom wanting to marry you off.

Anywho, the date card arrives and it’s: Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Christy, Lucy, and Nikki. That leaves Elise and Chelsea who haven’t had one-on-ones sitting at home with Kat and Clare.

Time for a soccer date. Surprised it took this long. The girls arrive and get to see Juan Pablo playing with the guys from the Galaxy. Oh he’s so dreamy when he sweats! The girls get to play a game so he can see who has a good time with it. Ah yes, another test. Kelly is scared that she’s going to get hurt. Shut up. Try something new, Miss I Love Dogs For A Living.

While the girls practice their ball handling skills, the left-behinds talk about if someone will kiss Juan Pablo on a group date – God forbid! – and whether Chelsea or Elise will get the one-on-one date.

Time for a real game and it’s blue vs red. It’s not exactly the most graceful game I’ve ever watched, but they tried. Red wins by a lot.

Melissa: Here we go… the group date to “kick it” and if any of these girls wonder what their date could be I may have to kick them. I guess it was too much to be expected that they NOT circle back to some soccer.

Oh, back at the house the ladies are breaking down who might try to do the sneak attack kissing on JP.  Come on, it wouldn’t be the Bachelor without a little cattiness.

Most awkward kiss in Bachelorette history.

Most awkward kiss in Bachelor history.

Rachel: Time for the cocktail party at the stadium. Nikki gets the first one-on-one time and they talk about her fear of being there. He reassures her about his feelings. She’s sexy and he likes her. Andi’s next and she gets some lip out of her time alone. The girls cycle through and it’s Sharleen’s turn. Another amazing dress, btw. She’s far more serious than the rest of the girls and he likes it because she has class. She also gets a kiss with a way too close camera giving us too much info. That didn’t look like it was gonna curl any toes, but she gets many points for pulling the “Let’s try this one more time because I’m not so sure” move to rock herself another kiss, which looks a lot more natural. The rest of the ladies weigh in on the kiss since they chose to do it way way out in the open. She calls him smooth, but I’m thinking she’s the smooth operator here. But not smooth enough for the date rose. That goes to Nikki.

Melissa:  So Sharleen has finally found the chemistry that was lacking the first night… which is good if girlfriend wants to stay a few more rounds.  But why does my girl look like she wants to crawl away from him??  Doesn’t look like chemistry to me, unless dinner was stadium dogs with onions.  Nice recovery though with that repeat performance suggestion. Well played, my dear.  Clearly, someone didn’t pay attention to Sean when he said don’t let the ladies catch you smooching on another lady though.

Jump For My Love

Because nothing says love like hurtling yourself off of a bridge.

Because nothing says love like hurtling yourself off of a bridge.

Rachel: Since everyone thought Elise was getting the one-on-one date, it goes to Chelsie. Elise thinks she’s too immature to be here and that Juan Pablo doesn’t need another child. Bitter much?

When he shows up, Elise is confident in her connection with Juan Pablo because he looked right at her and not Chelsea. Honey, I think that was guilt for leaving you stranded more than it was passionate love. But hey, more power to you for feeling the positivity. Well, less positivity and more insecurity… I’m thinking you probably wouldn’t be talking so much smack back at the house if you weren’t slightly insecure.

Chelsea and Juan Pablo head off for their date and car dance the whole time to Venezuelan music. Do we have to listen to him sing all season? Their first stop is for arepas, which are yum. Now this date I could be down with… food, food and food. Wait, wait, wait… I take it back, I’m not down with this date at all. They’re going bungee jumping, which is always a good idea after stuffing your face full of greasy food. But you know, you have to do things you don’t want to do to prove your love. She freaks out, but he talks her off the ledge… literally. She knows she can trust him. I’m thinking it’s the cord you have to trust. But he was actually very cool about her being scared. And hey, she gets a kiss while hanging upside-down dangling from a bridge. How many bitches back at the house can say that? Pretty sure Miss Elise cannot.

Melissa: HA, look at schmoozie little Rico Suave chatting up Elise to keep her hanging on.  Hell, who am I kidding, I’d still be enthralled with him reading the phone book to me on a date…  “AAA 24Hr. Locksmith” Sigh, say it again, JP.

HA, I really do love these breakdowns back at the house about how serious the other ‘ettes are in this process.

Um, they just happen to stumble upon a Venezuelan restaurant while out and about?  Here we go… the Bachelor Trust Fall… you knew it was coming!  WHY do people need to jump off bridges to prove they are there for the right reasons?  It really makes no sense to me.  It’s a perfectly good bridge, why not have a little picnic instead?  That sounds like a lovely date too.  At least maybe give the girl a shot of liquid courage to get her to step to the ledge.  Seriously, I feel sick just thinking about this.  Why do they do this?  Oh see now, that would have been embarrassing if it were me because I would be completely covered in my own urine.  Seriously, that’s a terror tinkle just waiting to happen.  Well, at least Chelsie is all in after that amazing opportunity to face their fears together.

Oh honey, stand back because it's the Juan Pablo show right now.

Oh honey, stand back because it’s the Juan Pablo show right now.

Rachel: Time for the dinner no one eats. They talk about their fears in life. He’s afraid to not be a great role model for his daughter. Hers is not being happy. He likes that she’s a teacher. He feels like she’s maternal. OK, his weird, mumbly, no energy talking thing is working my nerves. Dude, have a 5 Hour Energy. You’re putting me to sleep.

Meanwhile at home, Elise is STILL talking about Chelsea. She seems so young. Kat lets Elise in on the secret that they’re actually about the same age. Take it down a notch, Elise. You’re jealousy is starting to show. Besides, Juan Pablo seems to have missed the memo on her immaturity because he just gave her the date rose. He also gave her a concert by Billy Currington. I have no idea who this person is. OK, we need to add Juan Pablo’s dancing to the drinking game. He really thinks he’s the Latin Fred Astaire.

Melissa: Seriously Elise, enough with your sour grapes.  Why do you need to attack poor Chelsie?  I almost want to see you on a date with JP to see what you bring to the table.

Pancakes, Anyone?

One grotto and a smoking jacket away from being the Playboy mansion.

One grotto and a smoking jacket away from being the Playboy mansion.

Rachel: Juan Pablo sneaks into the girls’ house the next morning to make breakfast for them… and surprise them while they’re not wearing make-up.  HA HA HA! Best idea in Bachelor history. Kelly sees him first and pretty much ignores him because she doesn’t have her face on. She has to go. I’m done with her. Renee, on the other hand, rolls with it. That’s my girl. That breakfast looks pretty delish too.

He has so much fun with the girls at breakfast that he thinks they should have a pool party instead of a cocktail party. Yeah yeah, he just wants to check out their bods in bikinis. Naturally – or unnaturally in some of their cases – the girls are more than happy to oblige. Some more than others. Kat gets on his shoulders for a game of chicken. Kelly thinks it’s inappropriate. Well, that’s how you play the game, dear. Take off your oversized tank top and get in the pool, if you’re mad someone else is getting attention. Sharleen also gets her panties in a bunch about it. Again, it’s a game, ladies. You don’t play, you can’t win.

Sharleen pulls Juan Pablo aside and tells him that she’s having a hard time with all the cameras. He just wants her to be herself and say whatever she wants. He comforts her as she starts with the tears. Oh Sharleen, I didn’t peg your for a crier… though perhaps this is another in your repertoire of smooth moves, because you are getting some over-the-cover-up action along with some smooches. All the other girls see this and whisper about holding and kissing. Seriously, holding and kissing. And the playee has becomes the player.

Now, Clare’s upset. Lord. I get this isn’t the easiest of situations, but you put yourself in it so suck it up. Renee, the house mother, goes to calm her. Renee, I get you’re a good person, but seriously focus on your own shit. Sharleen finds Clare’s being upset silly. Wait, weren’t you just upset? These girls confuse me. And back to Clare who just wishes Juan Pablo would give her some reassurance that he’ll be back for her. Have you never seen this show? The girls that take theirs, go far. Go get yours. Go. Now.

She finally does and tells him that she’s having a hard morning. The process is weird for her. He hears her and she’s there because he wants her there. Another drinking game rule: every time he has to reassure a weepy girl by telling her that she’s there because he wants her there. And suddenly, Clare is on cloud 9 again. Bitches be crazy.

Melissa: A breakfast sneak attack by JP??  This is awesome!  I can’t wait to see the ladies running around trying to get their make-up on quickly so JP doesn’t see them without their “faces”.  Now look at Renee, she’s all sorts of gorgeous, first thing, without any makeup… bitch.  No, I jest, I love you Renee!

I like the pool party version of the cocktail party better… and no, not just because JP is topless {drink}.

Part of me wonders if Sharleen is really this taken aback by everything or is working an angle.  I mean I would hate that because she’s one of my girls with the awesome wardrobe, but again, it’s the Bachelor and you have to work it – so props there either way.

Side bar:  Seriously with the lack of drunken antics.  This “dry” season is going to get boring very quickly.

So given he told everyone he really liked them fresh faces and natural… how many ladies will carry that over into their Rose Ceremony “look”?  Hmmmm?

Rose Ceremony

Careful there, Nikki, Alli is seriously eyeing that rose of yours.

Careful there, Nikki, Alli is seriously eyeing that rose of yours.

Rachel: Time for more tears…

Already has a rose: Cassandra, Nikki and Chelsea

Gets a rose: Andi, Renee, Kelly, Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Alli, Clare, Lauren and Danielle

Going: Lucy and Christy

I don’t think Lucy was a good match for him, but I was kinda hoping to get a few more moments of crazy out of her. I mean it’s nothing if not entertaining. Christy… I have exactly zero opinion of her so I’m not anything to see her go.

Melissa: I can’t believe he asked Negative Nelly (er, Elise) to slip though another week! Hang on, did Chris just ass swat JP??  No really, rewind that business.  Sure, looked like it.

Oh Christy, maybe if it’s hard for you to open up you shouldn’t be on a show that requires you to put yourself out there.  I mean one would think you would want to avoid it.  I almost miss Lucy already.

Bottom Line:

Rachel: Yeah, the love is gone but I can’t help myself. I need to see how this all plays out. Sucker. That’s me.

Melissa: Oh that’s right, I forgot it’s the Sean & Catherine wedding!  Yeah, I’m going to miss it… yawn.


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