One Sentence Summary: Stassi’s birthday comes to an end with her getting nothing she wanted except for the drunk part.
Rachel: Yeah, there are a couple episodes missing from this blogger, but I’m really over this crew of idiots. Honestly, I’m convinced the combined IQ of the entire lot of them is a whopping 30 and that’s being generous. I will give them credit for dropping a couple laugh bombs on the table during Lisa’s crazy dinner with the RHOBH crew, but put a monkey in front of a typewriter long enough and he’ll bang out a sentence. Plus, those women are pretty easy targets. And then there’s Stassi’s birthday trip to Cabo. And in case you didn’t know, it was Stassi’s birthday. But if you forget she’ll remind you that it’s her birthday. I am pretty sure the military could air that episode on a loop as a torture method to get the enemy to talk. “Please, I’ll tell you anything! Just make her stop saying it’s her birthday!” And while I don’t necessarily condone Schwartz’s behavior, I kinda really loved him dumping a bottle of water all over Katie. That had to be brewing for a while. She’s awful. They’re all awful. And if you happened to catch Kristen on WWHL, you’ll agree that she’s just as awful in real life. Wow, full of yourself much? I got news for you, you aren’t all that. And Tom, the glasses aren’t fooling anyone into thinking you’re a brainiac. All that being said, I can’t wait to watch Kristen try and throw an ultimatum at Lisa. I hope Lisa rips her a new asshole.
Rachel: And we’re back to the birthday dinner post-Katie’s exit and in the middle of Stassi’s tantrum. She can’t even order her dinner now because Katie is ruining everything. I’ve seriously seen 5-year-olds that manage themselves better than this twit. Kristen tries to calm Katie down so they don’t have to spend the next 3 days kissing Stassi’s ass. Doesn’t work. Stassi finds Katie to let her know how
disappointed she is, which somehow becomes a fight between her and Kristen. My head already hurts and we’re 3 minutes in. Now Stassi is screaming at Katie for leaving before ordering a drink or an appetizer. I swear I’m not making this up. This is an actual conversation. How are any of these people friends with Stassi? She’s a horrible horrible person. Now Schwartz is trying to calm Katie down by promising to change if she enjoys herself tonight. These guys all have man-ginas. Seriously, the message they send every week is that it’s OK to date raging bitches who treat you like shit because they look good in a bikini. The cool girls of the world thank you profusely.
Ariana is back at Sur holding down the bar and relishing in the fact that all the insanity is south of the border. Lisa is so impressed with her skills that she thinks she should make her a manager. Do it! Oh that will just piss Kristen off so badly that it’s delicious.
Oh for fuck’s sake, Stassi is now in bed pretending she’s not going out because Katie ruined her birthday. First of all, you’re ruining your birthday. Second of all, the whole world can see through this sham of an act. Stevie Wonder can see through it. You just want everyone to beg you to go out so you can get the attention you so desperately need. Shockingly, she is persuaded to go get some drinks and go swimming with the girls. And by shockingly, I mean obviously.
Meanwhile, the guys are out celebrating the fact that all the women have disappeared and they might be allowed to have some fun for a change. Then they toast to being terrified of them. Pathetic. Even more pathetic is Jax going to check on Stassi to make sure she’s OK. Of course she is.
He finds her half-naked in the pool and asks to speak to her in the shallow end. Aren’t they always in the shallow end? He asks how she’s doing and she responds by being a bitch, as if there were another option. Jax thought they were getting along this trip and even being a little flirty. Nope. His mistake. He’s a liar so she can’t be friends with him. I really think this girl needs meds. Next on the hit list: Tom & Ariana. You know, since Stassi hasn’t managed to fully break-up that relationship yet. If she has to be single then so does everyone else. Jax says he never said Tom & Ariana hooked up. Besides, he’s not going to throw his friend under the bus. And then he throws his friend under the bus because he is so pathetically desperate to get the tiniest bit of approval from Stassi. I can’t decide what’s more sickening, Jax’s pawing all over Stassi or Stassi’s delight in her friends’ misery.
Stassi can’t wait to run and tell Kristen that Jax admitted something happened between Ariana and Tom. Kristen starts crying and Stassi goes for the jugular. He’s a liar and a cheater and it won’t stop. Break up. Come be single with me. Muhahaha… Kristen responds by pounding shots of tequila… because that always helps with making sound decisions.
The guys wake up and are contemplating the day ahead when there’s a knock at the door. It’s hilarious that everyone but Peter’s stomach drops at the thought of who is on the other side of that knock and what they’re pissed off about. It’s Scheana and she’s there to rat out the rat. Tell everyone what you said Jax. He narced Scheana out for the gang bang joke, she’s just returning the favor. Score one for Scheana. I’d high-five the bitch right now if I could. Tom says Jax needs to handle it because he’s lying. Jax tries to play it off as a misunderstanding but he’ll handle it. This guy is pathological. Why does anyone listen to a word that comes out of his mouth? He wants it to be done and so does Scheana. So does Tom. But Stassi doesn’t so it’s not gonna happen.
They hit the pool and Kristen confronts Jax. He doesn’t know anything for sure.
He just heard things. Kristen isn’t getting anywhere so she gets Stassi to do her dirty work. He isn’t budging from his story. Tom says he didn’t do anything and Jax is making it up. Somehow that seems impossible to Kristen and Stassi. I don’t get why these guys fight so hard for terrible relationships with hideous women. Scratch that, hideous girls. And off Kristen storms because it’s not a scene unless someone storms off.
Kristen comes back 20 minutes later pissed off that no one chased after her. Straight up bananas. She’s also decided that she can’t be friends with Jax and she can no longer work with Ariana. So she calls Lisa and tells her that she prefers Ariana not work at Sur any longer. And it’s either Ariana or her. Wow, this chick is bowl full of stupid. Your friends are laughing at you and your friends are idiots. What does that tell you about your decision making skills? Lisa puts her off and says they’ll talk when she’s back. Kristen has also decided that she’s moving out. Please. Do us all a favor.
Time for a booze cruise since this crew obviously needs more liquor. And that’s what they do, pound booze on a boat that can’t leave the harbor. Jax shows up late with a gang of girls. A pussy posse if you will. This is his way of showing the group that he doesn’t need them. Um, not showing up would have proven that. This just proves that you, like your psycho ex, need attention so badly that you’ll take negative attention. The girls are smart enough to not want to stay and they bail with Jax. No, leave Jax behind. Trust me, you don’t want to hang with him.
Back at Sur, Lisa sits down with Guillermo and tells him about her call from Kristen. He thinks Kristen should stay in Mexico because Ariana is great and Kirsten is insane. They call over Ariana who says she likes working at Sur and wants to stay at Sur. Nothing is going on with Tom and she is fine with Kristen. Lisa is happy to hear it.
In Cabo, the crew is enjoying their last night in town. Well, Tom isn’t exactly thrilled with the cold shoulder he’s getting…. which is weird because you think he’d be used to it. Jax shows up again with the pussy posse and thinks somehow this time it’ll be ok. He thinks because Stassi’s mad it shows that she still cares. But, he’ll leave and go hang out with the girls in their hot tub. It’s a no brainer. You can say that again. The whole group is a no brainer. But hey, Scheana and Stassi are friends again. Happy birthday! Groan.
Katie & Kristen go for a bathroom break so Katie can remind Kristen that she’s still breaking up with Tom tomorrow when they get back to LA. She sees Kristen faltering so she gives her the rah-rah-you-can-do-this speech. Ain’t gonna happen. Calling it right now.
Next morning Stassi is gathering the troops to leave. Kristen is MIA and was last seen with Tom from what I can gather from Katie’s ramblings. They leave to find her and it’s no surprise that she’s in bed with Tom. Don’t the doors in this hotel
lock? Need I tell you that the girls are very disappointed in their friend? According to Stassi, this is Kristen taking a shit on the entire trip. No, it’s her being spineless… though at this point, I think they all deserve each other. Kristen tells the girls to go fuck themselves and we’re off. Screaming. Lots of screaming. I do get why Katie & Stassi are done listening to Kristen bitch and moan, but the whole thing from top to bottom is a joke. This whole group is a joke.
Rachel: How are they not exhausted? I know I am.