One Sentence Summary – The crew is off to the races and they also see some horses.
Rachel: Boy, that must have been one helluva hangover Mike woke up with the morning after his wanna-be baller routine fell flat with Reza. Guess he needs a few more lessons in baller-ality before he can set his jaw and make his opponent flinch. The way he’s going, he’s better suited to be hanging with Pauly D and The Situation than with this crew. Come to think of it, Jessica does look a little like Sammi. Maybe they can move east and do a spin-off show called The Shahs of Seaside where they have to work at a falafel stand while helping to rebuild the pier. It’s genius. Someone call Andy Cohen! Look, it couldn’t be a worse idea than “Princesses: Long Island”.
The Morning After
Rachel: Oh, here we are at the morning after with Mike realizing what an asshole he was. Jessica has to remind him of his behavior, including the tears, since he has pretty much no memory of what went down. How lucky you are that there were TV cameras there to record that for posterity. You’ll get to see it soon enough. Somehow this behavior is Reza’s fault and not the alcohol’s… or thesteroids… allegedly, maybe, not saying for sure, don’t sue me. But he loves Reza. He also wants to beat him up. Jessica says he’s that way with everyone he loves, including his brothers. Um, you may want to change that to everyone he loves that’s not a female, because if he gets that angry with you, leave now. Immediately. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Is Go still $200 in Monopoly? You’d think it’d be more with inflation after all these years… Wait, what were we talking about?
Peace, Love And Orchids
Asa is trying to broker harmony for her trip to Turkey. You can’t have a spiritual journey if people are fighting. There is that. But I’m thinking you might have invited the wrong crew then. The only way you could have invited a less spiritually enlightened group is if you invited the Beverly Hills Housewives. Well, any of the Housewives really, but they seem especially far from, um, spiritual.
MJ comes bearing the gift of an orchid. She also has covered almost all of her breasts which is a gift for those of us watching. GG is next and she also comes bearing the gift of an orchid, which MJ points out is the second orchid of the day. I would pay money if GG busted out the old playground taunt “First is the worst! Second is the best! Third is the one in the lady’s dress!” That would make me happy and be apropos for the emotional age of these two. Combined. Asa is brave to do this alone, and while being forced to serve Greek, not French, feta. The horror!
Asa cuts to the chase and says that she’s tired of their frenemy bullshit. They need to work it out before Turkey. Period. MJ still wants to know what she did wrong. GG starts by saying she brought her sister to Asa’s party. Asa explains it to MJ in terms she might actually understand. Keep your professional life pro. MJ gets it. There’s also that whole ratting GG out to Sean. But GG also apologizes for being aggressive, her only transgression. Ha, yeah, ok. MJ acknowledges crossing a line and apologizes. There’s a toast and a new peace settles over the land. See, there can be peace in the Middle East… or the westside of LA.
Passing The Peace Pipe Forward
MJ not only apologizes but also goes to work all in one episode. Shocking goings-on. She is actually in Mike’s building so she stops by to say hello. BTW, with all the other dozens of agents in that business, why doesn’t Mike find another mentor if Reza is MIA? I know, I know, that would make too much sense. Anywho, MJ is tasked with talking to Mike about hanging out with everyone in Turkey. And by everyone, she means Reza.
She says that she thinks it’s sad that they haven’t all hung out as a group in a long time so she thinks they should all go to opening day at Del Mar Racetrack. Way to get to the deep philosophical issues at the root of the problem. I’m thinking they should have sent Asa in on this one too. Mike knows MJ’s heart is in the right place but he’s not willing to forgive Reza who “defamated” his character. As an incentive, MJ promises that she’ll get Mike’s back if Reza is out of line with anything. Uh, Mike you better get some rules on what MJ considers “out of line” as I think you probably have different definitions. Then again, you think defamated is a word so you’re probably not that concerned with definition. He’ll go. That was easy.
Peace Plan Take 3
Now, it’s Asa’s turn to get Reza on board with forgiving Mike. So she takes him to yoga class. HA HA! If you tune into one minute of this show, let this be the minute. I have never seen someone struggle so hard to maintain composure while doing Warrior 1. The teacher talks about forgiveness the entire time and Reza is amazed that she would pick this subject of all subjects. How did she know what he’s going through??? Um, because the producers had to clear it with the yoga studio before they could film and probably told her to talk about it. I don’t know. Wild guess.
Asa tells Reza about MJ and GG brokering peace at her house. MJ mentioned to her that the owner of the Del Mar Racetrack offered his box to them so they’re all going to get dressed up and go. Reza hears nothing other than MJ invited Asa and not him directly. Grow up. She says everyone’s invited, including Mike. Can he deal? He is hurt and betrayed – not defamated however – but there is too much there to just let it go, so he will deal. And with that, he leaves the studio and his mat for someone else to roll up. Entitled ass.
Grasping At Storylines
Oh yeah, Lilly. And yes, I will say that every time we get a random scene with her that the producers insist gets shoved in because they’re paying her after all. She’s decided to clean out her closet, sell the clothes and donate the money to charity. Very nice. However, she can’t decide alone so her partner’s assistant comes over to help with her brutal honesty and her Ikea bag.
We get a lesson in shoe boogers. Gross. Move on. We do. Lilly’s concerned about going to Turkey with MJ. She doesn’t know how she can stand to be around her that long. Honey, I don’t think anyone will actually care if you skip the trip.
The Peace Stops Here
More Asa mediating, this time with Lilly. She feels like Lilly is disconnected from the group so she’s trying to connect through food. But the princess isn’t really feeling the cooking. She’ll just hire someone to do it when she marries her Persian prince. Could you get on that and leave the rest of us alone? She mentions that she buys saffron when she goes to Iran with her family every year. Asa wishes she could go back. Lilly says she knows many people that go back who fled illegally and no one gets thrown in jail. She tells us in her interview, while wearing a really bad wig, that it’s silly that they think they can’t go back. No one’s going to get thrown in jail. Asa says in her interview that she’s pretty sure there’s a good chance that if you go back as a refugee, you’re going to disappear. Call me crazy, but I think I’d go the safety route on this one, thank you. Asa isn’t loving Lilly trying to tell her what’s what in international politics. Yeah, I’m gonna have to agree on that one. Last I checked, that wasn’t Lilly’s forte. Stick with the bikinis, babe.
Win, Place or Blow
Oh boy, we get to spend time with MJ in her closet trying on clothes. Nothing about this is must-see TV. She can’t seem to make anything fit. Maybe stop buying your clothes 2 sizes too small. Sigh… I’ve now seen every bra she owns. Can we move on now? I’m really just so over MJ’s cans.
Mike goes to a wine store to buy Reza a bottle of bubbly. Price is no issue, because you know, he’s a baller baby! The salesperson recommends Cristal. Personally, I think a $50 bottle of Perrier-Jouet is better, but I’m not a baller. He hopes this goes a long way to repairing his friendship with Reza, because he loves the dude. Well, that’s a new song we’re singing.
The pick-ups begin and the crew is being ushered to the track in a Rolls Royce limo. I need new friends… Reza & Asa arrive at MJ’s, who is still trying on clothes. She finally settles on a dress and a giant, red hat, just as GG shows up looking all “Victoria Beckham” which pisses off MJ. Uh oh. Mike is next with his peace offering, which Reza accepts. So far, so good. He even admits to being wrong for coming to Asa’s party drunk and for having hate in his heart. Reza can’t be gracious in return, however. No, he has to start ridiculing Mike and narc him out for what he said about MJ. Dude, you’re such a bitch. Now, MJ is pissed at Mike. Mike snipes back. Then GG makes a joke about throwing down earrings to MJ, which I’m pretty sure is a dig at herself, to which MJ responds by warning GG that she’s walking a thin line. Sweet cheeses, these people are nuts.
Things don’t get better when they stop off at a Starbucks and Mike tells MJ she can’t eat a chocolate croissant. Baller say what? No, you didn’t go there. Sorry, I have to side with MJ on this one. Mike doesn’t get to tell her what she can and can’t eat. Should she eat it? Nope. Is it his business? Nope. Reza’s had enough. So has Asa. MJ, however, has not and brings up Mike’s lack of sales in business. I guess if you go for someone’s weak spot, you can’t be mad if they come for yours, eh Mike?
They finally make it to the private box and things seem to settle down. MJ flirts with the owner’s son, GG flirts with the alcohol and all is well. Mike & Reza talk to the owner about his horses and about how much money he made on one champion horse. Mike, I would like to introduce you to an actual baller. This guy eats your friends for breakfast. But Mike & Reza seem to be on solid ground so there’s that.
Time for Peter’s horse to race and he comes in second so no one wins. The owners leave the crew alone in their box and we all know nothing good can come from that. MJ is happy because the owner’s son hit on her and that makes her feel good. GG can’t help but clown MJ for it which starts it off between her and… Mike. Wait, what? His laughing prompts MJ to call him a loser? I’m confused. ‘Splain it to me. Ah, Mike called her fat + A guy hit on her, which proves she’s not fat = he’s a loser. And then there’s a lot of other really nasty shit being said by a drunk and miserable MJ that I’m tuning out. And now, Mike & Reza decide to air their laundry. But they actually have a conversation, which is not going well because MJ keeps opening her croissant hole. They step outside and actually work out their issues. Hallelujah!
They come back in as friends and Reza tells everyone that they have to stay out of other people’s conversations when they’re not involved. Good luck. With that, MJ forgives Mike – was he asking for forgiveness? – because the things they said were out of anger, but she’s done with GG. Nope, not forgiving her. Say what? I’m going to go with jealousy on this one. I got nothing else, people.
Well now you’ve gone and done it, MJ. You’ve conjured up the spirit of “W-w-wack” GG. Yep, the bat shit crazy is back and ready to rumble. Shit goes ham from here as GG knocks MJ’s hat off her head. Mike jumps in to try and stop it from coming to blows. GG says she’s not going to hit anyone. MJ says hitting her hat is hitting her. And the two twits just keep on screaming nonsense at each other. Reza finally takes MJ out of the room before it can get any worse. I’m pretty sure it’s about as low as it can go. Gonna be a loooong drive home.
Mike & GG tell Asa, who admits MJ was out of line, that they’re done excusing her behavior. Interestingly, same conversation happened last year about GG. Asa blames it on her relationship with her mom. Bullshit, she’s 40. She’s been to therapy. She needs to be a grown up. And she’s not.
Rachel: Weren’t Reza & Lilly supposed to chat today? Did I dream that?