One Sentence Summary: Joyce and Brandi call a very shaky truce.
Rachel: Like our friends on this show, I’m running out of new things to talk about, mostly because they’ve run out of new things to talk about. It’s the same stories every week… Brandi vs. Joyce: The Battle Of The Attention Seeking Models. Carlton loves all things kinky sex. Lisa is far too busy for pettiness. Kim wants to marry her dog. Yolanda was very sick but maintained manners throughout her battle. And Kyle… is Kyle. Did I miss anything? Didn’t think so. But I’m slammed this week so let’s just get to it so I can get back to the other job that keeps me living in the lap of poverty.
Tweet My Wiener
Rachel: Kyle, Kim and Kim Jr. go for a day of beauty before Jr.’s graduation party. Talk to turns to waxing of the privates and it seems the Richards girls cannot bring themselves to say the word vagina. Kyle thinks it’s gross. Really? If you can’t say it, you can’t wax it. I believe that’s the rule. Kim calls it her wiener… which explains a lot. Kyle calls it a tweeter, but that was ruined by Twitter. Girls, get a grip and please grow the fuck up. It’s not a cute look. Even your kids are horrified.
Oh goodie, and now we get to go into the waxing room with Kyle. Didn’t I already get mentally abused by having to watch Stassi on Vanderpump Rules? Now this? Sweet Mary, the waxer just offered Kyle either a brown dildo or a pink vibrator to hold on to for, um, comfort. That’s vile. And not because of what they are, but of where they probably have been…. like Carlton’s play room. We finish this scene with a nose wax. I had no idea this was a thing. Can we please be done with these two? You’re not that cool, ladies. Hate to break the news. But at least Kim left the dog at home.
Tequila Stirred Not Shaken
Carlton shows up drunk for a pole dancing class with Brandi. She says needed tequila before going and not because she’s afraid of pole. So then it’s just because you thought shooting tequila at noon before spinning around a pole was a good idea? I’m actually shocked Carlton’s never been on a pole. Well that kind of pole. Seems like something Miss I’m So Kinky would have managed by now. She just licked her pole. Does she know how many wieners and tweeters have slid down that pole? Oh wait, that’s the incentive. Brandi, as we know, is a pro on the pole, but it makes her dizzy. She gets bad motion sickness, which is why she can’t sit in the back of a car. And yet, she has no problem sitting in the back of a limo. Hmm… Anyway, they spin around and yeah… that’s it.
Kim is scrambling to get a luau arranged in her backyard for Kim Jr’s graduation party. It was originally supposed to be at her sister Kathy’s, but she bailed and went to Buckingham Palace. That Kathy’s a peach. So a luau at Kim’s it is!
WTF is Joyce wearing? She looks like the luau section at Party City exploded on her. Brandi & Carlton show up, but stop at the Fatburger truck outside before saying hello to the hosts inside. Then they cop a squat on the front stoop. Classy. When they finally do make it inside, Carlton makes it known that she is bummed there’s no alcohol. Genius, you’re at the home of a recovering alcoholic for a teenager’s party. Methinks you’ll be OK for a few hours. Me also thinks you’ve probably already had enough for the day. Then Brandi goes to the bathroom and pukes. The most fun party guests ever. And with that, they’re both out. Thanks for stopping by! That was fun.
Sister Can You Spare A Dress?
Lisa is going through her apartment-sized closet for clothes to donate to a charity. I’d like to be that charity. She calls the other girls and asks them to pop by her house tomorrow with clothes to donate as well. When she calls Brandi, she asks if she should have her come when Joyce has gone. Brandi says that she needs to speak to Joyce one-on-one so they can get past everything. No screaming. Lisa’s skeptical. We all are. We’re also confused how one-on-one means in the middle of Lisa’s gathering.
Joyce is doing an anti-bullying campaign where she gets to give the finger to bullying. Yes, she gets to stand, smize and flip the bird. She thinks bullying is a call for attention. That’s why Brandi does it. Yes. And you wear ridiculous outfits for attention. I mean if we’re calling things out…
Detente – And Other Words Housewives Don’t Use
Time for bagels and tea at Lisa’s. Joyce & Kim are the first to arrive. Kim brings clothes and attitude. She’s miffed about Lisa missing Kim Jr.’s graduation. Lisa said she was in Missouri. Kim says her hairdresser saw her at Sur. There’s some back & forth about it and it seems Lisa is a bit busted because she did come back early from Missouri with enough time to swing by Kim’s. However, she RSVP’d no, so she didn’t think she was obligated. She wasn’t. But she’s still busted and should have just said she was exhausted from the flight instead of arguing about it. It doesn’t help when Ken (aka: the guy that said husbands should stay out of their wive’s arguments) says that Kim missed a lot of things. You know, with the “when she was a drunk” implication. Yikes, Ken. That’s some serious shade. Kim thinks it’s rude and uncalled for. He tells her to stop it. Can someone take Ken inside and distract him with some pudding or something?
Brandi shows up and asks to speak to Joyce alone. Brandi says she says dumb things but she’s not a racist. And she may have been a bitch in Palm Springs, but she’s not a bully. Also, she is not an alcoholic. Thanks for the news flash, Brandi. Did you want to apologize for being a bitch? Or maybe say you’d like to move forward on neutral ground? No? Just wanted to make a statement of the facts as you see them? Alrighty. What say you Joyce? Joyce says it was a racist comment. Brandi says no, it was stupid. It was both. Brandi finally apologizes. Accepted. Joyce also takes exception to the “big, fat pig” comment and Brandi commenting on her speaking Spanish at Yolanda’s dinner. Brandi just says stupid things. Yeah, we got that. Apparently, this is going to be her excuse/rebuttal on all things going forward and everyone just needs to accept it. Kim comes back and tells Brandi she was out of line in Palm Springs. She should apologize. Brandi says she’s not sorry though and won’t apologize if Joyce doesn’t apologize. Didn’t realize that’s how apologies worked. Again, life lessons from Housewives.
And we have a stalemate. Lisa thinks they need to move on already. She tells this to Joyce. Carlton tells Joyce that she’s using too many labels on Brandi and it’s not fair. Carlton, stay the hell out of it. You haven’t even been around for most of this nonsense. So go ball gag someone please, preferably Brandi. And look what you’ve started. Fembot Joyce is now rattling off her points like a machine gun gone rogue. Lisa now tries to tell Brandi they need to move on already. Just put an end to it. Brandi shockingly agrees, and apologizes to Joyce for Palm Springs though she is hurt by the name calling, but she’s willing to move forward. Joyce apologizes back and hugs Brandi, which apparently is going too far for Brandi because it grosses her out. God, grow up!
Rachel: Now that Joyce and Brandi have signed a peace treaty to end the war of the Attention Seeking Models, looks like it’s time for Brandi to turn her fangs on Lisa. Well, someone has to be her punching bag.