The Bachelor Season 18 – Juan Pablo Meets The Crazies

REMINDER: The Juan Pablo Drinking Game is here! Click the link for all the fun details: Juan Pablo Drinking Game Rules.

One Sentence Summary: The dates begin and so do the meltdowns.

Our Thoughts: 

Are you sure I can't pick two?

Are you sure I can’t pick two?

Rachel: Well, I was firmly a nonbeliever in Juan Pablo’s ability to carry a show on his own when he was announced as the next Bachelor. I was also wrong. He definitely won me over last week. Yeah, me likey. Granted, we’re only a week in so we’ll see how long my moony teenage lust lasts. I have to say that I can see why the women would want to go to the mat over this guy… and with this guy. He’s not just a pretty face. Dammit, what the hell was I doing letting that guy cruise around Miami completely unattached? I clearly need to work on my man hunting skills. Anyway, tonight begin the dates, which means tonight begins the women losing all concept of reality. Ought to be fun.

Melissa:  Here we go friends, it’s week 2 so you know everyone is in love and 100% there for the right reasons.  Listen, I’m here for the right reasons too – and by reasons, I mean a glass or 3 of Pinot – but this is cutting into my Rev Run Renovations rerun viewing.  I loves me some Rev Run… just saying.  JP and the ladies had better bring it tonight to make it up to me.  At least there’s a “photo shoot” and you know that means we’re going to have a topless JP (drink).

Walking In A Winter Wonderland

Usually this is the kind of date seen on Discovery ID

Usually this is the kind of date seen on Discovery ID

Rachel: Juan Pablo shows up to pick up Clare for their first date… Hold the phone. When did the date card arrive? I just stepped away during the previews to get a Jello pudding. Don’t judge me. They’re delicious. I guess we’re being punished for not watching the Sunday night “Behind The Scenes” episode where they must have announced the first date card. Look, abc, you own enough of my time. Don’t try and take Sunday too.

Anywho, like I said, it’s Clare, La Latina. I wonder if the whole date is going to be in Spanish. OMG, he has to stop saying Latin Lover. We get it. You’re Latin. Latin is sexy. Therefore, Juan Pablo is sexy. Basic math. Wait, she’s going on this date blindfolded? I need at least a couple glasses of wine and a dinner before I let a dude blindfold me. She can’t see him, but she can smell him and he smells like Heaven in a bottle. That’s Latin Heaven in a bottle, young lady.

They pull up to a winter wonderland in the middle of LA. Wait, where the hell is that? And why do I know nothing of this place? It is pretty gorgeous and she gets a piggy back ride up the mountain. They do some sledding, ice skating and snowball fighting. Sledding is a great way to get a little lap time. She says that they’re having a great date. Check. And he’s hilarious. Check. You need to stop. Check. She hasn’t felt this alive in a long time. Pretty sure it’s just the cold.

Melissa: Wait, did I miss something? The first date was already given to Clare?   Hang on.  I know I haven’t had that many sips so far tonight, but this makes no sense to me. Oh, she’s already hopeful that it will mean something but I’m still confused as hell that I’ve somehow missed 15 minutes of the show.  Hey now, it’s a 50 shades nod from JP.  You know the ladies are seething inside.  OK, what does heaven in a bottle smell like Clare?  Come on, you’re sledding… hardly qualifies as fairytale stuff if you ask me.

How do you like my stem?

How do you like my stem?

Rachel: Wow, hot tub date already. They’re not messing around this season. Guess they need to get some awesome ratings so we can watch this nonsense for a 19th time. Time for Clare to tell JP about her dad. She’s going to wait for forever for the right guy, because he has to be the perfect mix like her dad. She has a necklace to remind her of her dad and that it’s good to feel. All of this is being said half-naked while she massages him. He’s moved by the high relationship standards she has – That or he’s just woozy – and gives her the rose. And we have the first make-out session of the season. I will say that he looks like a MUCH better kisser than Sean.

What’s that? Music in the distance? What a total surprise, Josh Krajcik is playing just for them. That never happens all the time. Time to dance in bathing suits and make out. I seriously want to interview these musicians after they tape episodes of the Bachelor to find out just how torturous it was.

Melissa: Um, what’s wrong abc… you’ve made me go 13 minutes into this before giving me a topless JP?  What you don’t like #2 on the drinking rules?  Oh… is this a way of trying to keep folks mildly sober?  Nice try.  So now the poor guy has to listen to Clare’s story about her dad and realizes the bar is set pretty damn high.  Well at least it scores her the first official kiss. I am just going to put this out there… I like Clare, but I think she has the potential for a cray-cray gonzo episode, which I’ll be honest, makes me like her even a little more.

Rock Down To Electric Avenue

Basking in the glow stick of love.

Basking in the glow stick of love.

Rachel: Time to find out who gets the next date car. Wait, is Lucy topless? Yes, yes she is. Oh right, she’s a free spirit. Way to play to every hippie stereotype. Need attention much?

Date card arrives: Kat gets the next one on one.

As she waits for her future maybe husband to arrive, Kat says that this is real life. This is not real life. No part about this is real life. Side note: I wonder if they weigh these girls before they can audition. Can’t we get a token real-sized bachelorette served up the way they serve us up a token person of color? Yeah, I don’t know why I waste my time either.

Juan Pablo picks up Kat at the mansion and they take the Maserati (I think) to a private jet. Yes, totally real life. I imagine this is exactly how your life will be when the cameras go away. Also, I disagree strongly with her shoes. As they fly to their destination, JP goes to the bathroom and comes back in a track suit that lights up. She gets a tacky outfit of her own. Lucky girl.

They land in Utah, run down a neon lit sidewalk into a rave. Oh hell to the no. I don’t do raves. Oh oops, it’s a neon run. I take back my premature speculation. That’s actually pretty hilarious and does look like a good time. They run and dance and frolic and grope and fall madly in love in the span of 3 miles. Too bad they’re in the ‘Tah and can’t have a proper cocktail at the end of the run, but hey, these kids are high on life. They get up on stage and get their groove on. Anyone else think he’s channeling his inner Matthew McConaughey? Kat can work the dance floor so she gets a rose. What a deep meaningful connection these two have. But hey, they have electricity, which I think Kat said no less than 15 times.

PS – Two dates and zero food. I know we fake eat on these shows but are we now for real starving these girls?

Melissa:  I love all the ladies dishing on the date while the free spirit opts for some topless time as all the ‘ettes try to keep their eyes up top – heehee… makes me laugh.  Hey, at least she managed some bottoms so they aren’t confronted with a disco bush. Btw, I love that the dog gets to live at the house. 

OK, so it’s no helicopter, but you know I’ve got “On the Wings of Love” in my head… yet again.  Now that’s an ensemble right there (who picks these outfits??).  Well, it’s actually not as bad on, as it was on the hanger.  Um, let me get this straight, their date is a 5K?  What if a chica doesn’t want to run 3 miles for a guy?  I get it’s JP but still… who wants to be all 5K sweaty on their first date? 

Group Love

Apparently that is supposed to be a dog. And apparently that make-up artist didn't have to show a portfolio.

Apparently that is supposed to be a dog. And apparently that make-up artist didn’t have to show a portfolio.

Rachel: Another date card arrives and the girls pray their name is on it: Chelsea, Christy, Kelly, Cassie, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Lucy. That leaves Sharleen, Amy and Danielle panicked.

The girls meet Juan Pablo and he summons a garage door to open with his massive Latin Lover powers. Behind the door is a studio ready for a photo shoot. It’s for a good cause, naturally. There is a Creative Director with a turquoise goatee behind the door. The facial hair doesn’t bother me as much as his overall persona creeps me out, but we’re here to shoot some pics with dogs for the charity Models and Mutts. They’re working with Best Friend’s Animal Society, which tries to save dogs from kill shelters. All the dogs there today need to be adopted. I like this. And speaking of needy, Lucy borrowed shoes today. What? This girl bugs. And probably has bugs.

Shoot assignments go out and Elise gets a nude shoot. So does Andi. Wait, is this America’s Next Top Model? I’m kind of not cool with this. Neither are the girls. I don’t blame them. One is a teacher and one is an attorney. Neither profession is really going to appreciate nakedness. And I don’t appreciate pressuring girls to drop trou in order to make a boy like them. I mean this show isn’t exactly flying the female empowerment flag, but this is a whole new low. Shaking the shame stick directly at you abc. Nice message you’re sending. Asses.

Elise works a deal to get herself out of the nude shoot by changing outfits with Lucy, who clearly doesn’t have a problem being nude. So much so that she walks her dog, naked, down the streets of LA… barefoot. Yep, bugs.

The shoot starts and there are some interesting outfits. Cassandra gets a spaghetti kiss. Renee gets some up close and personal time too. Kelly does her shoot dressed, I think, as a brown dog. She just looks like an alien with leprosy to me. Meanwhile, Andi continues to try to talk herself off the ledge. Juan Pablo sees her looking freaked out and goes to talk  to her. He tells her he’s going to be naked too. Suddenly, this is less scary for her. Yeah, I bet. Well, if he’s going to be naked, then she guesses it’s ok. It’s not ok. At all. Look, I’m not a big stand on my soapbox about feminism kind of girl. I definitely tend to sway to the “free to be you and me” side of life, but this is such a gross violation of these women. This is someone you’re on a first date with. Not a model. Shame shame abc. But nude they go as Juan Pablo tries to keep his eyes forward.  Sigh. I would have had so much respect for Andi if she had said no.

Melissa: Oh that’s a big old group o’ ladies for the group date.  Is there always this many for group dates?  I guess Lucy is the nekkid boobies girl of the season.  OK, this is a great idea to raise awareness for pet adoption.  I don’t know that I want to be the fire hydrant though.  Check that, what’s with the signs as wardrobe?  I feel for you here Andi, you got the shaft with this wardrobe malfunction.  I’m not sure I get the idea behind it either.  Is it like when they make the ladies jump out of perfectly good helicopters or off of perfectly sturdy bridges to prove their bachelor love?  Consider this my suspect sideways glance abc… you’ve been warned.

I’m sorry, but there’s no reason for anyone to be naked if they don’t want to be.  Soapbox away now.  Now see… I like how this has taken a turn for Andi.  Gurl, you work this right and you get yourself a rose for the date.  That’s right… a rose and JP au natural just like he was the day he was born.  Good on ya!

Well, at least she didn't decide to have a breakdown in a 7-11 bathroom.

Well, at least she didn’t decide to have a breakdown in a 7-11 bathroom.

Time for the cocktail party. Cassandra tells Juan Pablo that she calls her mom 10 times a day because she has her two-year-old son with her. He is very excited about that and it’s a bonding moment for them. Wait a sec… Former NBA dancer with a 2-year-old son… Anyone else think we may have a basketball daddy here? Let me look this up… YEP. Rodney Stuckey of the Detroit Pistons is the baby daddy. How cliché. Click here for more.

Renee & Juan Pablo go up to the rooftop and check out the city. It is a pretty amazing skyline. She says that she & her son are writing a journal to each other every night. More kiddie bonding. And then lots of giggling and hugging, but no kissing. Do we have our female Doug?

Downstairs, the girls try to get Victoria to tone down the drinking. She says she’s sober. This is just how she is sober.  Yeah, Anna Nicole Smith said that too. She’s just fuuuuunnn… slur. So much fun that she’s having a party in the hot tub alone. Now she’s telling us about how she did the hymen maneuver on Juan Pablo, who by the way, is her boyfriend. And that is not a typo. She said hymen maneuver, which I hear can only be done once before it’s broken. Enough rambling for Victoria, she’s going to go find JP because she is his girlfriend. And off she goes…

Dios mio! He’s with another girl! Time to go completely off the reservation, after she puts on a cover up. She’s now locked in a bathroom stall hysterically crying. Renee goes to get her and girlfriend goes off the rails about one-on-one time. There’s a lot of screaming and some “f**k Juan Pablos” thrown in for fun. I think she really thought Juan Pablo was her boyfriend. Yeah, she’s that crazy. So, now she wants to go home. The producer won’t let her go without shoes… or a flight… or a cab.  So back to the bathroom floor she goes… Seriously there is a major break with reality happening here.

Lucy goes to get Juan Pablo to see if he wants to deal with the situation. I’m suspecting that he does not, but he has to go now. He walks into the bathroom where she is still crying. He asks repeatedly if she’ll talk to him. She just screams “No!” at him. Sexy. How many men have put up with these temper tantrums? I shudder to think. He doesn’t know what else to do so he says he’ll wait outside. Run, dude, run. No one would blame you. He says he can’t judge her. You kinda can. Lord knows, everyone out in TV Land is.

He realizes this is a lost cause so he goes back to the rest of the girls and gives the date rose to Kelly. Really, painting yourself brown gets a rose, but being naked doesn’t? Jesus, I really need to clock my priorities. As for Victoria, he would like the girls to make sure that she gets home safely so he can speak with her tomorrow. And with one sentence of care for a drunken mess, he makes 12 girls swoon.

Melissa: So Cassandra is going to spill the beans about her son tonight? Wait, did I know she had a son?  No because she’s the baby of the group at the ripe old age of 21.  Man, I didn’t see that one coming. I still like mommy Renee too.

Oh Victoria, if that’s your first glass of champers, I think someone done roofied you, because damn girl, you are a slur away from passing out with your head in the toilet.  I give Nikki props trying to get her to tone it down a bit, but sadly, I don’t think she’s going to listen.  Say what now Victoria?  You gave JP your hymen?  Oh sweetie, you really should just curl up and go to sleep – it’s safer than the path you’re headed down.  Um, what the hell was that Sneaky Sally approach to find JP?  WOW, Renee just scored some massive props for crawling on the bathroom floor to check on Victoria.  That skeeves me out and I need to wash it away with Pinot.  Oh Uncle Drunkle is a hot mess.  These producers can’t get paid enough money to put up with some of this shit if you ask me.  Now, she’s sitting on the toilet room floor. I wouldn’t want to walk barefoot on that floor let alone put any legit part of my body on it.

The Light Of Day

But it was kinda cute, no?

But it was kinda cute, no?

Rachel: It’s the next morning and while the girls talk shit about Victoria, she’s apparently in a hotel somewhere recovering. Recovering and regretting. You know she’s having that post-drinking morning where every few minutes you remember another moment from the night before as the pieces of the train wreck that was  you start to form a very scary puzzle. Not that I have any first-hand knowledge of that. Mid-Alka-Selzer, Juan Pablo stops by and pays her a visit. I wonder if she was just pulling a Tierra drama for attention? She says she overreacted a little bit. A little bit? Dear God, what does a big overreaction look like? She tries to play it off as this is just a side effect of feeling everything really intensely. Like alcohol. She’s really really sorry. He isn’t moved. He is 32 with a daughter so he can’t have that kind of “little overreaction” around his kid. Time for her to go. He very kindly tells her now so she doesn’t have to wait for the rose ceremony. Classy move, Juan Pablo.

Melissa: Good morning Victoria. How’s your head feeling today?  Wait, you GUESS you should apologize? Are you kidding? It’s funny, she sounds completely normal this day… not all slurring like she was last night when she wasn’t drunk.  Hmmm.  Damn JP, I like you more and more.  That was totally cool of you to save her from having to go back to the house to face the ladies.

Cocktail Party

You're a much cuter crier than Victoria.

You’re a much cuter crier than Victoria. (PS – Can’t you totally see this on the cover of a Harlequin Romance novel?)

Rachel: Juan Pablo arrives and tells the girls that he had to send Victoria home, because she’s a nutter. OK, he didn’t say that. He said he has to be careful who he brings around his daughter… so she can’t be a nutter. He knows some girls didn’t get dates, so he wants to make sure to spend time with them. Amy goes first. She’s a journalist and she’s going to interview him with a fake mic. She goes straight into reporter mode and talks to the camera. Tonight just keeps getting weirder by the moment.

Sharleen is next. Another great dress. She definitely wins for wardrobe if for nothing else. She says that she wants to apologize for being ungracious when he gave her the rose. She was just surprised because the girls here are so intimidating. I like her so much more now. She’s real. Hey Kat, this is real life.

Sweet baby cheeses, we have another crying girl. This time it’s Cassandra who feels like this is super hard and she doesn’t know if it’s worth being away from her son. Juan Pablo goes chasing after her to make sure she’s ok. Poor guy. She is questioning everything and it’s really hard to see him with other girls. You’ve spent 10 minutes tops with him! Chill. He says he understands, but it’s a process for him. He has to talk to people, but he see her and Renee differently because they’re moms. If he doesn’t see a future, he will tell them right away. But he likes her and wants her to stay. And with that, no more tears. I’m also thinking if you put a mic up to chicky’s ear, you’d hear the ocean.

Melissa: Again, giving the non-date ladies some time… very smooth JP.  You are just reeling me in!!  I need to roll my eyes at Amy’s mock “Reporting from the scene” routine though.  I don’t like that on-camera voice of yours either.  Why can’t you be yourself?

Seriously, how does Sharleen have the most awesome dresses and some of the ladies are total busts in the ensemble department?  No seriously, are they pulling from a big selection of dresses like a sample sale and she’s just taking bitches out left and right for the good stuff or is she getting to work with a stylist?

Here’s the thing… I’m not really trying to be a bitch here, but what do the Mommies think it’s going to be like to leave their little ones behind in pursuit of a man?  I feel for Cassandra and Renee for that matter, but why would you think it’s going to even close to easy for you?  Come on.

Btw, I love after the whole Victoria incident all the ladies are now drinking tea.

I’m like a marlin on the line… here comes JP to sit and reassure Cassandra through her sadness.  I still can’t believe she’s 21 either.  But that’s not my point.  I’m all in is my point.  There’s a chance if he sent me home tonight, I’d be crying too.  And then I’d have to drink because I was crying and next thing you know I’m sitting on a toilet floor… that’s how in I am, friends.

Rose Ceremony

Google ChromeScreenSnapz015

Rachel: Time for more tears…

Already has a rose: Clare, Kat and Kelly

Gets a rose: Cassandra, Nikki, Andi, Elise, Sharleen, Renee, Danielle (looking good with that flat iron), Lucy, Alli, Chelsea, Lauren, Christie

Already gone: Victoria

Going: Amy, Cherise

Well, I guess Amy’s reporting style works better with Cajun folk than it does with Latin Lovers. And I wish I felt differently, but it makes me sad that Cherise thought she stood a chance.

Melissa: Um, Danielle looks COMPLETELY different with her hair blown out!!  I swear I thought I drank too much (aka pulled a Victoria) and forgot an ‘ette.  So he’s sending Chantel home?  Amy did it to herself with that interview, but I liked Chantel.

Bottom Line:

Rachel: I’m still liking Clare, Nikki and Alli. Andi slipped a little after she got conned into being nude. Oh, and Sharleen worked her way back into my cold little heart.

Melissa: Oh man… it’s like crack this season.  I literally can’t wait until next Monday to see this shit go down again!


4 responses to “The Bachelor Season 18 – Juan Pablo Meets The Crazies

  1. I like reading your opinions it gives me a laugh. Maybe they cut dining from the production budget. also I don’t see why they need to be dancing in their swimwear that kinda ruined part of the date for me and the artist wasn’t that great singing maybe no one else was available. I would not be doing exercise for a first date but for Kat it worked. I totally thought that Lucy was going to be the loose cannon this season but it was Victoria whom I’m glad that she went home would have loved to send Lucy with her.

  2. Yay – I don’t need to watch the show because your post-game wraps are way better than the show could possibly be. It’s bubbly all the way for you girls.

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