One Sentence Summary: Stassi takes her crazy and makes it a detective game.
Rachel: This catch-up thing is sure a lot of work. Guess I should have put down the egg nog for a minute and fired up the DVR… although technically I could have worked the DVR with one hand and kept the nog in the other. Granted, that whole typing thing would have proven slightly more difficult. Well, that’s neither her nor there – much like my waistline post egg nog season – so it’s time for two whole hours of Vanderpump Rules just in time for another hour tonight. Boy I hope I have some of the “spiking” rum left. Let’s fly through this mess.
The title of this episode already has me annoyed. I’m sure she is going to really crack the code on some secret shit. AKA – disprove probably one of the dumbest rumors every told by a drunken mess – Jax sleeping with Kristen. We start again with Katie’s tearful exit from the garage sale (which has exactly zero customers). Stassi follows her to
make sure she’s ok find out the scoop now that she’s sober. Katie says it was just a rumor but she did hear it. Meanwhile, Kristen tells Kristina that it’s a ridiculous rumor with no merit. She seems annoyed by it. Hmm… like Ariana is annoyed by the rumors about her & Tom? Stassi thinks that Kristen might be guilty because she’s not flipping out. God these girls are stupid. But Sherlock Stassi is 98% convinced the rumors are true because she is putting the pieces together in her head. Yeah, those pieces are what’s left of your brain. But she’s going to get to the bottom of this, dammit. News flash: you are at the bottom of it.
Lisa decides to have a secret diner come into Sur so that she & her partners can see if the bad service reviews online are true. More detective work on things that seem pretty obvious to the world at large. You haven’t exactly hired the classiest crew of people to run your restaurant. What do you expect? However, I need to put on my detective hat and figure out how to get myself a secret diner gig. Getting paid to eat and talk smack? I think we can all agree this job is tailor-made for me.
Wait, Kristen plays the guitar? Who knew. But Tom is home so it’s time to put down the music and yell at him about something, which would be how he folds laundry. Um, he just did your laundry. You should be thanking him in the way men most liked to be thanked. I know no man that does his woman’s laundry. Not one. But she’d rather talk about Katie’s big mouth. Tom believes zero part of the rumor. A man who does laundry and trusts his woman… Kristen you need to start kissing his ass. Oh right, the cheating… well… there is that.
Peter, Stassi, Jax, Schwartz, Katie and Kristina head out for brunch… which also looks like a rave. There’s not part of me that is interested in having people trancing their pants off at the next table while I’m elbow-deep in a frittata. Keep your glow sticks out of my home fries please. Kristen didn’t show up, which screws up Stassi’s plan to wrestle the truth from her. Well, everyone knows that no good detective story gets solved on the first attempt. One must be foiled in order to come up with a better plan. Plan B as they call it. I’m sure they’ve all heard of Plan B considering this crew’s sexual histories. Same concept. Different result. Watching these fucknuts drink and party like it’s Spring Break makes me so happy I’m no longer in my 20’s (though could someone please give me back my 30’s). Kristina fuels Stassi’s fire by agreeing that the rumor is probably true… someone wants airtime… so off Stassi goes to confront Jax. She’ll have to wait until he gets down from dancing on the bar however.
After Jax collects a few bucks from some very desperate women, Stassi asks Jax
flat out if he slept with Kristen. He laughs in her face. However, he looked to the left so she thinks he’s lying. What a twit. These girls so want to be right that they’re begging him to say he did it. Good friends. Sorry, Stassi, you’ll have to find some other drama to give your life purpose somewhere else.
Stassi tries playing her hand with Lisa so she can get the big dogs on her team. Lisa tells us that she heard the rumor, but she isn’t interested in repeating gossip. She doesn’t want to be part of the madness. She also doesn’t care what happens as long as it doesn’t happen in the restaurant; especially on the night that the secret diner is coming in.
The secret diners – Alina & Melina – show up. I swear these are their names. It was printed and not my bad hearing for a change. Service starts out poor since Scheana is busy too gossiping at the bar to greet her table. She gets their drink orders and back to gossip she goes. After bad service and waiting too long for food, the diners leave the lounge and head to the restaurant. Of course they get Stassi, who is at the bar telling Jax she knows he banged Kristen. They send back a drink & Jax sends them back the same drink in a different glass. Nice. Scheana pulls Stassi away to have a convo in the bathroom about Peter’s birthday. I hope no one ever has to pee at Sur. Now Katie is in the restaurant apologizing to Jax. Are we supposed to believe these fools are actually the real waitstaff at Sur? No way that restaurant runs with them, but yeah yeah, TV show. I know. The secret diners have their info and are ready to write the review.
Lisa stops by Sur the next day and asks to see Scheana. Seems Stassi rocked the service portion of events. Scheana, not so much. She was busted for not greeting a table because she was busy being annoyed at having to work with Katie. Lisa ain’t having it. Scheana’s personal life is not above the customers. BTW, what the hell is happening with her earring? Is it me or is it attached to her neck? WTF? Anyway, apology to Lisa. Apology accepted. Next up, Jax. Being on the cell phone and making jalapeño margaritas that taste like lemonade doesn’t make Lisa a happy camper. He blames it on the rumors going around. Lisa would just like the whole thing to be squashed asap so that her restaurant would run better. No you don’t. If it did, there would be no need for the TV cameras.
Meanwhile, Stassi has come up with her Plan B, which she is sharing with Katie so she can get all the details about the rumor. I find Stassi’s ability to dramatize over-inflate the importance of everything hilarious. It’s really a talent. Katie says “the other Katie” – is that like the other white meat? – was at Sur and Jax told her in a drunken stupor that he slept with Kristen. With the information she needs in her pocket, Stassi can now share her plan, which is to text Jax from Kristen’s phone to get him to admit to the affair. She hopes she’s wrong and looks really stupid. Oh sweetie, you already do.
Stassi barges into Tom & Kristen’s apartment and demands Kristen hand over her phone. Kristen hands it over with zero problem, which really should have turned on a lightbulb over Stassi’s head. Unfortunately, the electricity was turned off long ago. She texts Jax who responds with total confusion proving Stassi wrong. One would think this is where Stassi eats some crow and takes her lumps with humility, but no, she yells at Tom for being irritated with her behavior. She half apologizes to Kristen. She’s a lunatic. An asshole and a lunatic. Deadly combo.