One Sentence Summary: ABC is back with the Latin Lover and to steal our souls one hour at a time
Rachel: Here we go again; finding love with a Spanish accent. I’m not feeling as tingly all over about Juan Pablo as the rest of America. I don’t know what it is but I think part of it is that I think he might be a “Shh, Baby Don’t Talk” guy. You know the ones that are way hotter before they open their mouths. Then there’s the level of the shrieking of the women feels like it’s going to be off the charts. And yet, I remain open to being proven wrong. Open-ish. But thankfully we have our Bachelor Drinking Game to keep us busy. What’s that? You haven’t read about this fun-filled game? Well, you’re in luck. All you have to do is click here for all the fun details: Juan Pablo Drinking Game Rules.
Melissa: OK, so I’m not a fan of this preview episode. I struggle with why we need EXTRA episodes. We all know I was a BIG fan of Juan Pablo in Des’s season: read me the phone book and it’s just sexy as hell, but I’m worried it’s going to get real old, real fast and he’s going to be just as my partner called it: “Shh, baby don’t talk”… which then leads to me spending the seasons going “What was I thinking? You’re a complete idiot.” But the stakes are high this season, since this is the most attractive Bachelor we’ve had since… well, ever. While we all know I like the over-the-top crazies, I have this dreadful feeling these ladies are going to start stomping on my last nerve by the end of the first cocktail party. That being said, I kinda can’t wait to see all the tears of the girls sent home the first night… but sadly we’ll have to wade through tonight’s backstory episode first.
Rachel: Oh jesus, I’ve already had enough and we haven’t even left the preview of the preview yet. And if you’ve started playing our drinking game, then you’re probably already drunk. Sweet Mary, this is going to be a long season for me and my liver. No offense people, but tonight is all about the fast forward button.
Holy desperate audition tapes of women that didn’t make it. Desperate and embarrassing. Now, this I could watch all night. Well, minus the girl with her whole fist in her mouth. Hold the phone, that drunk girl that’s spread eagle in the hot tub has a martini glass that can hold an entire bottle of wine. That’s important information to have. The spread eagle part of that sentence is less important. Oh boy, I’m sure the girl in the towel wasn’t expecting her tape to make national TV. That’s gonna be embarrassing tomorrow at work.
Is it a requirement that the potential bachelorettes wear skirts and dresses so short that they are one leg cross away from a Sharon Stone moment? Jesus ladies, Juan Pablo isn’t even in the room yet. Put it away! Wait, did a chick just say she was a virgin until two weeks ago? Yes. Yes, she did. Can we please go back to that story? This I gotta hear.
Here comes the reveal that it’s Juan Pablo this season. For the love of all that is holy, turn down the volume on your TV sets immediately! It’s going to get squee up in here. Well, that wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Did they roofie the girls before their interviews?
Melissa: So I was reading that Chris has hosted this and ‘ette since 2001. That’s a serious acting gig if you ask me. I’m also stunned the show has managed to stay on that long. That being said, these previews of the ladies are cracking me up. “I need to get married… I don’t want to be alone… I can stick my fist in my mouth… grandma wants her granddaughter on the pageant show”… oh it just goes on and on. Sadly, there isn’t a single one of them over what… 25?
OH MY GOD HE’S SO CUTE/SEXY/HOT!! Ugh, how many times are we going to hear that? I think we might have to change #8 on the Drinking Game rules because after that “It’s Juan Pablo” montage I’m kinda drunk. Oh, I like the girl who is going to pray on it to make it happen. You know, the one who was a virgin until about 2 weeks ago. Um, say what now?? Seriously, I would love to be on this selection committee for this show. I would have a field day with these ladies!
Rachel: This is really a giant waste of my time. I don’t care how these women found out they’re on the show. I really don’t. Like at all. But let’s go on the trip. First up, is Lucy. Did she just jump on Chris and wrap her legs around him? I think Chris might want to date her. And the dress she just put on isn’t helping. Sweetie, I think that’s a shirt.
Melissa: So the trick this year is personal announcements? OK, I guess this will take up a good 30 minutes. First up, is Lucinda who I’m assuming according to the cheat sheet is Lucy whose occupation is “Free Spirit” – I always wanted career as a Free Spirit. Sadly, I’m not a trust fund child. Last I checked, free spiritedness doesn’t really pay the bills and this bitch likes a roof over her head. Hey, at least she likes bacon… there’s one thing she’s got going for her, though that hair playing twisting hoppy thing is a bit much.
Rachel: WTF does Elise do? That’s a nice house in the middle of Hollywood, though we’re supposed to think of her as a small-town PA girl. Wait wait wait, hold the phone. She’s a first grade teacher? She doesn’t. Did anyone check to see if she had a profile on sugardaddy.com? And do these girls really sit around all day with full hair and make-up? Let me tell you what Chris Harrison and crew would find me looking like if they knocked on my door on a random Tuesday afternoon. It ain’t pretty.
Melissa: Elise is our 1st grade teacher who is so much prettier than her cast photo. Unfortunately, that head swing back and forth is going to be tough to take after a while. We get it. You have nice hair, but this isn’t a Suave commercial.
Rachel: Seriously, who hangs out at home in that outfit? I guess girls with flat stomachs. I’m pretty sure I left mine somewhere in the 90’s. I will let the house slide as I think there are 19 girls living there. Are you really ready for marriage when you still have more than a dozen roommates?
Melissa: Next is Christy who again is another one prettier than her bio photo. Are all these ladies her roommates? That was such an odd interaction.
Rachel: Do all these girls live with their parents? Lauren lives in a manse and is no way 25 by the way. Let me break down a little math for you. Lauren is to 25 what Rachel is to 30.
Melissa: I’m curious what a Mineral Coordinator does. I could do without that screeching though.
Rachel: Alli actually looks like someone that wasn’t expecting a TV camera, and I mean that in a nice way. Really. She also really looks 26. Less is more, ladies.
Melissa: Now we’re off to Chicago to give a rose to Alli. Does anyone else notice all these ladies have that same super white smile? I also don’t care for these staged rose scenarios, not to mention the jumping. Why must you jump ladies?
The Man, The Myth, The Juan Pablo
Rachel: OK, let’s hit Miami. I’m really trying very hard not to hit FF. I don’t need to watch this to know that we will see him working out and most of it will be shirtless. I don’t need to watch this to know that he loves his daughter and she is the most important thing in his life. And I don’t need to watch this to know that he is hopeful and excited about finding true love. Right? Am I right or what? So far I’m spot on, but he gets two thumbs up for the practicing of his English. That was pretty funny. And the rest is exactly what you expect… Miami is home because his daugther is there and he loves her and she’s his life and he loves being a dad, but I’m actually thinking Juan Pablo might have a little more going on upstairs than I gave him credit for. He’s kinda funny too. Hmm… I am slowly (aka: quickly) coming around. I dig his family too and I’d happily eat that food. And how about sis upstaging JP with her baby news? She’s aces in my book.
Melissa: Here we go… what’s the shirtless over / under friends… DAMN, not even giving us a second before that fade-in on shirtless stretching. Aw, and he’s working on his English for the ladies. I wasn’t aware he needed to work on it though. So, it’s important for him to give back to his country because… he grew up there? Oh, no… I’ll let it go. Not on the first night, I can’t do it.
He’s co-parenting his daughter Camila? Why did I think he was a single parent? Camila by the way is so stinking cute!! I’m a little worried about the rocking out to the Spanish pop music though.
So a deciding factor for the ladies is that they must like Venezuelan food. I’ll happily fit in with this family. Hell, I want to hang out with this family! Oh, I can’t wait for the family visit with these cousins. I’ll learn Spanish if that’s what I need to be a fly on that wall. Oh Saul, I like you! You’re a good Daddy. Hopefully they’ll video you in a few times to be the voice of reason.
Rachel: OK, this is heartbreaking. They’re doing a tribute to Gia, who passed away last year after committing suicide. I just can’t wrap my brain around it. Please get help if you ever even consider taking your own life. Please. I’m fully in tears. Such a beautiful girl inside and out.
PS – Did Ames’s head get huger? WTF?
Melissa: Oh man, let me take a big pull on my glass before this segment. She was such a pretty girl, both inside and out. It’s such a senseless tragedy. Whew, this is rough… I think I have a bug in my eye… or maybe PMS… yeah, that’s it. I’m emotional. Again, I don’t understand the senselessness but I also know I can’t fathom what happens in the minds of others. I just wish she had reached out for help. The world might benefit from people being a little more like Gia. I hope she’s at peace.
Rachel: I skipped the season preview because I’m a girl that likes surprises. And I think Juan Pablo might have earned a thumbs up from this girl.
Melissa: OK, I still like him, and I love his family. I’m back on the bandwagon and can’t wait for tomorrow. It’s mildly evil of me, but friends, I’m going to pop a bowl of popcorn and cozy up because that looks like a hell of a lot of tears and crazy just waiting to be enjoyed.