One Sentence Summary: Another one of the nuts in this group cracks.
Rachel: So, one of the five Two Winey Bitches readers commented last week that Stassi was a piece of work and shuddered at the thought of a life with her. While he’s absolutely correct that a life with Stassi would be torture, I couldn’t help wonder if it would be better or worse than a life with Kristen? I mean if you had to choose between the two evils, which would be the lesser? Do you spend your life being yelled at for always breaking the ever-changing rules or do you spend your life being emotionally manipulated to the point of thinking you’re crazy? I gotta say, I think I’d take Stassi over Kristen. I don’t know why, but that’s what I’m going with. Would love to hear your thoughts on the subject. In the meantime, it’s Peter’s birthday…
Rachel: Oh Lord, do we really have to go get waxed with Stassi and Katie? I don’t even want to go get waxed with my best friend, let alone hear about the state of
someone else’s business end. And I most certainly do not want to be in the room with them while their forest gets cleared. Why would you want to see that? Do you go to the OB/GYN together too? Some things friends – and TV audiences – don’t need to share. Wow, and there’s the ass shot. That was like a drive-by. Not cool, Bravo. Not cool. You’ll be getting the bill from my shrink. It’s Katie’s turn, but she doesn’t make it through and leaves with a lopsided vagine. I hate myself for even typing that sentence.
During the after-wax cocktail session, Stassi gets a text from Jax telling her that he’s not ready to date because she still has his heart. Wow, there is pathetic and then there’s Jax. Dude, maybe you should take all the energy you’re putting into stalking Stassi and organize a mission to recover your balls from her mantlepiece. I’m pretty sure your man card has been pulled at this point. Stassi thinks Jax is a sex addict and he behaves how he behaves only to piss her off, which pisses her off. Bitch please, you love it. If you didn’t, you’d stop reacting. Psych 101.
Time for work and Scheana lets Stassi know that her column is up on Divine Addiction. Oh, and she looks great. Who needs compliments from others when you have yourself? Stassi says she’s going to leave mean comments for Scheana like everyone does to her. Well, it’s because you’re an asshole. But Scheana is still desperate for Stassi’s friendship, so she asks if they can meet for a drink and go over her article. Stassi should bottle whatever pheromones she’s emitting that makes people fall at her feet and sell it. She could make millions because Lord knows it’s not her sparkling personality keeping ’em coming back for more.
It’s the end of the night and Jax wants to know why Stassi is avoiding him. She says it’s because he’s a sociopath and a pathological liar. Well, that sums it up nicely. She would like him to stop texting and calling or she will quit her job to get away from him. Doubtful, but I like where this is going. She doesn’t like him. She’s done. Pretty sure neither Jax nor myself believe her. The smirk on her face certainly makes me think this was just for her own entertainment. She loves him fawning all over her. Honestly Jax, the best thing you can do is go radio silent. Try it… for all of us. The fight continues in front of the rest of the staff. How anyone can watch Stassi behave the way she does and still be friends with her is a wonder. She’s the sociopath, I’m pretty sure. At the minimum, she’s a raging sadist bitch.
In other news of the sad and pathetic, Tom is still trying to butter up Kristen and
kiss her ass to prove that her he’s trying to make it right. So, tonight he’s taking her out for some Korean BBQ. I do love that the restaurant made sure to hang paper cut-outs of their name above the table. Smooth marketing skills. As usual, high-maintenance Kristen doesn’t like the vegetarian options at the restaurant and is disgusted by Tom cooking meat in front of her. Oh Tom, you failed again. Let’s take your manhood down another peg. He changes the subject to Jax & Stassi. Yes, talk about a man that disgusts Kristen more than you do. Nope, didn’t work. She still finds a way to make a dig and tells him that she’s having no fun. OMG, I can’t stand her. Yes, he cheated and there’s no excuse for it. I get that. I do. But you either forgive and rebuild together or move on. Dr. Phil says this all the time so it must be true.
Schwartz comes over to Jax’s to watch him get ready for his date tonight. What is with these people? Can no one do anything alone? I mean I thought Melissa and I were codependent, but this on a whole different level. Jax manages to go on the actual date by himself. Well, the girl is there as well. Is this the ballet dancer? I can’t keep up. But seriously listening to Jax wax poetic about his not having game which is his game is making me ill. Listening to him run it on this girl is making it worse. And when she pulls the infamous “I’m not trying to have drama or settle down. It is what it is.” story, my dinner starts making its way back up. The girls that say that are generally the girls that will crawl through your window in the middle of the night to tell you they miss you. You’ve been warned.
And there’s my dinner again… Jax is telling a Sur coworker that he’s slept with 7 girls in the last two weeks. I call bullshit. I also call dirty penis. That’s so foul. And who are these women? Have they no self-esteem? Don’t answer. Lisa comes over and tells Jax she’s not thrilled that he got into a fight with Stassi in the middle of the restaurant. She also thinks that he’s revenge dating to get a rise out of Stassi. Ya think? Though I think a lot of it is imaginary revenge dating. He tells Lisa that he’s thinking of going to therapy. Wait, wasn’t he already going to therapy? What happened to that? Clearly it didn’t take. Ah, he says he went but he was holding back – aka he lied the whole time – so it wasn’t going to work.
Time for Scheana to try and win back Stassi’s friendship with her award-winning journalism. Stassi listens to Scheana read her article and likes it… because the writing style reminds her of her own. The girls are getting along when Scheana takes the ass kissing a step too far. She tells Stassi that she told Lisa that the two of them were working it out, which is why Lisa isn’t mad at Stassi anymore. YOu must be kidding me. Hey Genius, stop telling Lisa – aka: the boss – everything if you want friends at work. Stassi says the same thing. Wow, Scheana is really dumber than a stump. But somehow they manage to leave as friends, which is really just Stassi’s plan to stay in Lisa’s good graces. Scheana, however, went home and made a friendship board for the two of them.
It’s Peter’s 30th birthday, and the crew got him a Pirates of The Caribbean hat. Kidding. But would someone please tell him the Jack Sparrow look has gone the way of the movie franchise. Bye bye. And I like Peter so this is coming from a place of goodness. Consider it my birthday gift. Jax is a no-show but Lisa & Ken make it out. Nice. Lisa tells the girls to turn it up for Peter. Scheana takes that to mean give him a lap dance, which is really a lot of twerking in Peter’s face. Oy. Katie is up next, but she takes a pass. She’s “practically engaged”! Ha, honey,
until there’s a ring on your finger, you’re not in the zip code of engaged. PS – Your boyfriend just told you he doesn’t care so why the drama? Oh right.
The “girls” go outside to smoke, drink and talk smack on Scheana. Scheana overhears them and sits down so Katie can give her an earful to her face. Clearly Scheana doesn’t respect her relationship. Oh come on. That’s actually ridiculous. Kristen doesn’t understand why she’s even there since she’s not friends with any of them. Mean girls. Total mean girls. Stassi is caught in the middle, so naturally, she says nothing as the digs go back and forth. Shay and Peter come out and try to defend Scheana, but the girls have gone Defcon 5 with the nasty. Guys, just bail. Why bother with these airheads?
Scheana & Shay take what’s left of their dignity and leave the party. Schwartz comes outside and tells Katie that she’s out of line. Katie responds by crying. Man, I really like this guy, but cannot for the life of me figure out what he’s doing with this group of jackholes. He actually is the only person I can say is better than this. And because no one can mind their business, Kristen is yelling at Schwartz. Shut up, Kristen. Worry about your own shitty relationship. Sweet Fancy Moses, these people are terrible.
Jax returns to therapy and tries again to find his truth. Ha, that’s just funny. Honestly, I’ve now rewound this 3 times and can’t seem to pay attention to what he’s saying. I really just don’t care anymore. I do know he’s talking about Stassi and how he can’t be faithful. Perhaps he’s a sex addict. Perhaps he’s an asshole. His therapist says he has to do the work to change or he’ll keep getting the same results. First step, no more dating. You might want to define dating for him. She also wants him to read a book. Um, are we sure Jax knows how to read?
Kristina is having a yard sale and the girls wonder if Katie is going to show up. I guess after we left her sweet self at the bar last night, she threw water on Stassi & Kristen and then accused Kristen of having sex with Jax in January. Wonder if she & Jax can get a two-for-one on that therapy. Now, if you think the light of day would have brought some clarity to Katie, you would be wrong. She texted Tom Sandoval at 9am to tell him that she knows all about him and Ariana. Wow, with friends like that… One assumes she was sober by the time 9am rolled around so you gotta wonder what the point was of that text.
Katie actually has the balls to show up, mostly because she doesn’t really remember what when down. I have a feeling you’re about to get refreshed. Katie says she was just repeating the Jax & Kristen rumor she heard. Yeah, no. When she’s confronted with the rest of her behavior, she starts crying… again… and says she hates herself more than they hate her. She doesn’t know what they want from her. Um, they probably want you to take responsibility for your behavior and apologize, dipshit. That’s not happening so she leaves. Good times.
Rachel: These people make me think that government sanctioned sterilization might not be a bad idea.