One Sentence Summary: The girls find peace in Palm Springs until bad news sets it off yet again.
Rachel: Jesus, here we go again. I’m not sure I’m mentally prepared to go back into that lion’s den that is Palm Springs. I mean I just came home from seeing the Nutcracker and am feeling rather serene and happy. And if you’ve ever read this blog before, you know this is not a common sensation for me. So yeah, I’m not sure I want it wrecked by Brandi’s inability to not stay stupid shit and Kyle’s inability to not be an asshole. But sadly, I have an inability to turn away from a train wreck so I’m gonna stop bitching and press play.
I Know You Are, But What Am I?
Rachel: Aaaaand we’re back in Palm Springs where the tension between Yolanda & Kyle has been escalated by Brandi calling Kyle a crazy asshole. Even Lisa thinks that’s out of line and that lady is not trying to defend anyone in the Richards family. Someone needs to pull the plug on Brandi or shove a cork in her. Anything. She’s really an embarrassment right now. She thinks her kids were horrified by hearing her be called a bully? Imagine when they see this. And they will see this. Not everyone’s mommy uses the parental controls on their cable boxes.
But back to the issue at hand; Yolanda and Kyle hating each other. Yolanda says that Kyle has bigger fish to fry (aka: the tabloids saying Mauricio cheated) than worrying about their argument. She wishes her well and hopes that her family is safe. Translation: Clean up your mess at home and leave me alone. And with that, it seems a calm has settled over the table. Oh, nope… Brandi’s slurring again about Yolanda’s fabulosity. Lisa suggests that everyone just leave the subject alone already. Yes, I beg of you. Let it go.
Kyle leaves the table and somehow ends up sobbing in Yolanda’s arms. OK, this is strange, but at the same time, I get it. When you see someone hurting that badly – unless you’re completely soulless – you step in. And Yolanda steps in. Is it bad that all I can think is that Kyle’s going to get make-up all over Yolanda’s white lace? Probably. I do think it’s shitty that the tabloids are dragging her marriage through the mud. Like her or not, that’s shitty. Even Lisa, who has now walked into the mess, gives Kyle hugs and love. But that lasts 30 seconds because Kim decides this would be a good time to snap at Lisa. I guess she didn’t like that Lisa didn’t want to watch her pee and closed the bathroom door. In Kim’s world, that is dismissing her. Well, I don’t want to see your panties “literally in a bunch” either. So now Kim is kicking Lisa out of the room even though Kyle is asking her not to. Messy gets messier. I’m with Carlton that this drama is ridiculous. Can we please be done with dinner now?
Nope, more Kim vs Lisa and Kyle vs Lisa and Yolanda vs Kim. Kim actually wants Yolanda’s friendship. Yolanda says it takes time but she’s willing to do the work to build something. OK, baby steps. Kim then apologizes to Lisa. More baby steps. I want the episode to end now so I can salvage the remaining warm & fuzzies from the Nutcracker. No such luck…
And we’re moving on to skinny dipping and Brandi dying over how amazing Carlton’s body is. She’s just so sexy. They are sharing a room, you know. Yeah, we know, mainly because you keep talking about it. I may hurl. Can we go back to fighting? Sorry, I just am so over Brandi and her brazenly desperate need for attention. I have no issue with two girls loving each other however makes them happy. I do have an issue when one of them is doing it so she can keep milking her 15 minutes. I swear Brandi’s one shot of booze away from marching through the house naked wearing a one-man band rig.
Oh Baby Baby
Carlton rolls Brandi back to their bungalow and helps her up the stairs, while Kyle swims. Joyce, who wouldn’t go near the water earlier, suddenly finds the courage to get in the pool. Man, this chick is one bad mood away from going Single Black/Indian/Spanish Female on Kyle.
Upstairs, we have another woman that wants to skin and wear their friend like a coat. Yes, Brandi is trying to molest Carlton, who isn’t ready to play for the cameras just yet. Maybe if she just chases her around the house a bit. Downstairs, Kyle dares to drop her top. OK, Joyce, your move. I guess Miss Puerto Rico isn’t quite ready to tarnish that crown. I give it two more episodes.
As Kyle & Joyce discuss the “injustice” of being picked on all day, Brandi & Carlton head back outside. Brandi, because she clearly needs it, opens another bottle of wine. They find Yolanda & Lisa, the latter taking the bottle away from Brandi. Thank you. She responds by telling Lisa she doesn’t want her strategizing anymore. Say what? Please muzzle this bitch. I really want to beat her about the head with that bottle of wine, but that would be wasteful and the real injustice. No grape should have to make that sacrifice.
Morning breaks in Palm Springs and everyone is up and about. Brandi seems perfectly fine for having been that schnockered. I’d be in bed for a week if I drank half of what she drank. Yolanda breaks the news to Brandi that she’s leaving early. Lisa and Carlton are also leaving early, but Brandi can handle herself. Oh this should be rich.
The party moves outside the house so they can ride the tram to the top of a mountain and have lunch. Joyce planned this and she’s afraid of heights. Well, that’s genius. How about a spa day instead? Oh goodies, Kyle and Brandi don’t like heights either. This should be a pleasant trip. Like everything else these women do.
They make it to the top and Carlton finds a squirrel to feed. This pleases Kim who joins the party and finds herself in the middle of a squirrel menagerie. All this excitement causes her to babble incoherently on the mountaintop… and in her confessional. She really is marching to the beat of her own drum. I will say however that watching Carlton manage to pet a squirrel is pretty impressive.
They make it to lunch after a short hike and apparently the squirrels from the lower deck texted their friends on the upper deck that these ladies were handing out food like it’s their job. Kyle & Joyce are not pleased with the visitors and act like a rattlesnake is nipping at their ankles. Oh grow up. It’s a squirrel.
Seriously, is Kim on something? Yeah, I’m saying it. She makes no sense. I get that she wants to clear the air with Lisa, and that means not carrying a torch so she tells us. Now, I always thought that meant something else, but let’s play it Kim’s way for a second. So we’re not carrying torches in friendship, which is cool. But what’s with all the hand waving and woo-woo-ing? I wouldn’t be surprised if she wore tinfoil on her head at night to protect her from the aliens. For real.
Enough about that, Yolanda has an announcement. She will be hosting a dinner party at her home this Tuesday and all that are available are welcome; including Kyle. The Canadian Tenors will be in town and she would love everyone to meet them. Am I supposed to know who the Canadian Tenors are? I do not. Granted, with my hearing these days, she could have said something totally different, but right now, I’m thinking there are some Moosehead-drinking, maple-syrup-eating, Celine-Dion-listening tenors coming to dinner next week. Let me know if I’m wrong.
OK, if you thought I was crazy about Kim being on something before, tell me you still think it after you catch her praying next to a trash can. She just felt gratitude and needed to pray on it. Alrighty then. I should take a cue from Lisa and not be judgmental. HA! Yeah, right.
The day is over and Lisa & Yolanda have left for greener pastures. Well, it’s LA so I guess it would be smoggier pastures. Brandi reminds us that she’s not scared to be on her own. We shall see. At least she has Carlton with her…
Oh wait, Carlton, it seems, has a small bone to pick with Brandi. And no, that’s not a euphemism, but it does have to do with their kissing. Carlton was blindsided by Brandi’s announcement of their antics in the pool yesterday. Well, you better learn now Carlton that everything Brandi does is for the cameras; even when they’re not there. Thankfully, Carlton is a quick learner and realizes that she can’t tell Brandi any secrets. Brandi apologizes and says that she’s really not that girl. Um, what girl would that be? I’m pretty sure you are, in fact, that girl. And I don’t mean that in a Marlo Thomas awesomeness kind of way.
Time to attempt another dinner with the ladies. This time Brandi is in charge of cooking, which somehow has made everyone is happy. Can we manage to keep the mood? You’re serving tacos. No one can be angry over tacos, right? Dinner actually goes off without a hitch and the ladies take a break to call their kids before the next drama begins.
Brandi gets her phone and sees messages about cops being at her house. Nothing good can come from that. She calls her assistant who tells her that her house was broken into and one of her dogs is missing. Somehow this is her assistant’s fault because her dog got out once before. Her dogs don’t go missing on her watch. No they just shit and pee everywhere on your watch. But hey, blame your assistant for something that’s not her fault. That’s helpful in this situation. Look, I know she’s freaked, but that isn’t license to be an asshole. Sorry. It’s not.
Brandi needs to go home. The women try and give her hope that the dog is ok, but Brandi is pretty sure she’s dead. I’m going to refrain from commentary on this one because nothing nice is going to come from it… So it’s just the facts, ma’am. When Joyce tries to commiserate about losing a dog, Brandi snaps at her for making it a competition. I’m about to snap from keeping my comments to myself. Joyce would still like to give her a hug. She’s not interested. After more hysteria, Brandi leaves for LA with Carlton, who was leaving anyway. And then there were three…
Rachel: Well, I do hope Brandi finds her dog. But I still can’t effing stand her this season, and it looks like she’s back to her antics by Yolanda’s dinner party. Awesome.