One Sentence Summary: It’s Gay Pride but the behavior of the Sur employees is nothing to be proud of.
Rachel: Well, it’s time to watch these assholes again. Sorry, I really can’t find one redeeming soul in the bunch. I can’t. I think pretty much they suck. But I’ve put off watching this crap as long as I can. Should be exceptionally painful seeing as how I’m hungover and not-very-well-rested. Granted, that’s because I was celebrating a friend’s wedding down in gorgeous and sunny Islamorada, so I can’t really complain. I seriously don’t understand how people live in cold weather. Sitting poolside in the middle of December sharing stories with good friends makes all the weirdness that is Florida worth it. Mostly. But I’m rambling now and procrastinating hitting play on the DVR. I can’t promise it’s going to get any better from here. The screen is pretty bleary.
Rachel: I know this isn’t new news, but Lisa’s house is just ridic. Also ridic is Scheana doing cartwheels in the backyard while Katie swings on the swing. Why are they there and why are they together and why is Scheana still wearing an ace bandage on her bruise? Two of those questions are answered as the rest of the Sur staff shows up to discuss the float for this year’s Gay Pride Parade. Oh no, Kevin Lee just showed up too. No matter how many times he’s on screen, it’s still startling for me. Also, startling is Scheana saying her latest single is “huge” in the gay community so she’s love to perform it on the float. The rest of the staff rolls their eyes right along with me. Also happening on the float, men in angel wings. Kevin says it will be fab-a-less. Tom looks unconvinced. Oh honey, you’re one ball wax away from being a gay man, so just wear your wings and have some fun.
Jax, Tom & Schwartz go for a bike ride and Jax has some news about his lump… It’s… insert dramatic pause… a cyst. No way! This is the most shocking news since hearing that the Pope’s Catholic. Idiot. But he’s feeling empowered since the
Great Cancer Scare of 2013, and is out hitting on the ladies again. Yes, life truly is precious, Jax. So good to see you dig deep and find the meaning of life. And as if Tom knew there would be a reason to celebrate, he pulls some beers in brown bags from his backpack for the boys as they cheers to the beauty of life. I mean, I feel like I’m watching Gandhi, it’s getting so deep in here. Oh wait, it’s the bullshit that’s getting deep. My bad. Tom tells the guys about the Gay Pride angel wings and Scheana’s performance. Suddenly, Schwartz is really happy he didn’t get the job at Sur. Tom then entertains us with an imitation of Scheana’s dancing and I’m thinking he’s been practicing that routine. Flows way too easily.
Sur staff meeting time. Lisa starts with talking about how awesome Ariana is just to amp up the tension in the room before she talks Gay Pride. This is an important event for her and she wants none of the nonsense from last year, this year. Yes you do. There’s nothing to watch if there’s no drama, but we’ll play along. wink wink. She needs one person to hang back to handle Sur business and that would be Kristen. Still paying for her big mouth. Jax would like to discuss the angel wings and how it’s a bad a idea. Kristina calls him out and says the Stassi tattoo is why Jax doesn’t want to be shirtless. Who cares about this anymore? Would have been funnier if she called out the the cyst as the reason. I guess this is why she’s a waitress and not writing for Jimmy Fallon.
Time to make the Pride float and Lisa wants to know who has an issue with Ariana. No one. Lisa says Kristen does. Wait, shouldn’t Lisa’s meddling and pot stirring be done off-camera so we believe her when she feigns disgust over all the drama? Stassi says that Tom gets friends that are girls and Kristen gets mad. No one has been able to find out anything dirty about Tom & Ariana but rumors keep swirling. OK, you don’t need to keep setting this up so that when there’s a blow-up we’ll understand why. We all graduated the fifth grade and can follow pretty simple plots.
Oh joy, time to hear Scheana sing. She’s back in the studio to record a new song. She needs to find the right track so she can get her booty popping on. My brain is popping with pain from this, especially when she says the message for her next song will be sexy, party, drinking, and hot. Stupid, lame, ridiculous and annoying.
It’s boys’ night out for Jax, Peter and some dudes we’ve never met before. Single Jax is back and it is on. Single women of LA, cross your legs! Within minutes, they’ve found themselves some ballet dancers to twirl with. As the shots continue to flow (shudder), Jax moves in for the kill and gets some lip. I find him so wholly unattractive that watching him make-out actually makes my stomach turn more than watching people do shots with this hangover. Gag.
Time for Pride. Oh no, Scheana in those nude hose is just a bad call. And it ain’t
gonna get better when the booty popping starts. The boys get their wings and the mean girls give someone named Tierney shit for being a dancer for Scheana instead of hanging with them. Oh grow up. Not that Scheana is being any more mature with her talk about having all the attention on her. Maybe they’ll all fall off and get run over by the float. More grown-up behavior abounds as Jax tells no one in particular about his date with a ballerina so that Stassi can hear it. Gee Jax, that wasn’t obvious. Stassi thinks Jax is disgusting & should go to the other team since no one like him over on their team. Seriously, put a bullet in me. I can’t take these assholes. It’s like a non-stop drunken game of Red Rover. Lisa has had it with them and tells them to shut-up and start waving. Please.
We survive – barely – the parade and it’s time to party at Sur. Everyone’s having fun…. everyone except Kristen, Katie and Stassi. They’re too busy plotting Ariana’s demise now that Kristen saw texts between her & Tom on his phone. Um, what did the texts say? Is he not allowed to talk to her? Oh, I see, she said that she wants it to be like Coachella again and he agreed. Yes, that is grounds for a fight. How dare they talk about a concert! Get in there and cause a scene immediately! Wow, Kristen is so lucky to have friends like Stassi & Katie to encourage her to get into a fight during working hours while she’s barely back from being suspended. Genius.
Kristen walks in and asks Adriana point-blank if she’s hooked up with Tom. Adriana says no. This the part where Kristen should be relieved, walk away and never bring this up again. But no, she has to ask 17 more times. Adriana isn’t fooled by the same-question-different-ways mind trick and just keeps saying no. Kristen thinks Adriana isn’t defensive enough so she must be hiding something. Dumb ass, it’s the other way around. How has no one hired you to be a detective? New tack as she goes deep and asks specifically about the Coachella texts. Nothing. One last attempt to shake down Ariana by crying about Tom cheating in Vegas. Ariana barely registers that Kristen is even standing there so she finally gives up and moves on. Meds, honey. Meds. Now’s the time.
Meanwhile, Jax is outside taking his break near Stassi & Katie who would like him to go away. He says no which is really just an invitation for Stassi to lay into him again. You told the dude to eff off. Now, you have to deal with it. Jax calls her out for bashing him to make herself feel better. Uh, welcome to the party. Stassi calls him out for playing the victim. Uh, welcome to the party.
And we’re back with crazy Kristen who tells Tom that Ariana just told her everything and wants to talk to him right now. This girl is a big bag of bonkers. I’m not sure scaring your boyfriend into some crazy confession is the way to go here. They go outside and she wants to know if there’s anything he’d like to tell her. No. Is she sure? He’s pretty sure that’s still a no. How’s that plan working out
for you, Kristen? Not so well, it seems. So, she pulls out a screen shot of the Coachella text convo, but he’s still unmoved. Hmm, any rounds left in that chamber? Pretty sure you’re shooting blanks here. He is not at all interested in playing your game. Since she can’t a rise out of him, she says she doesn’t think they’re in the right relationship if he can’t see what he’s done is wrong. Dangerous pool, Kristen. But this falls flat too and she just can’t manage to get a rise out of him so she just keeps yelling. How does he put up with this? She finally realizes she can’t win this round – not that anyone is clear on what the prize was here – she storms back inside. Run for your life, Tom.
Rachel: These bitches be crazy.