One Sentence Summary – Lochnessa rears her ugly head.
Rachel: Man, they are really just ramming these Shahs down our throats aren’t they? What’s up with that. But the good news is that Reza showed signs of life last week. That makes me happy. Now, all is not forgiven. He has a long way to go, but I am hopeful that he’s making baby steps back to his old self. It’s the holiday season, so why not ask for a holiday miracle? Right? I mean if I can’t have one in real life, I’ll take one in reality life. It’s a trade-off I’m willing to make.
Lift & Separate
Oh look, it’s MJ poured into yet another outfit with her tits on display. Does she have a mirror? Or is it one of those magical mirrors that tells you you look amazing no matter what’s going on? I need me one of those. Mine keeps telling me to go to the gym. Bitch. But today, MJ is at a dress maker’s shop asking to design her own bra. So you’re at a dressmaker? What am I missing? MJ needs a new apparatus to help restrain her giant breasts. And in case we didn’t know what that meant, we get a lesson in how exhausting it is for her to have to adjust her boobs. I believed you. I didn’t need the visual.
MJ and the poor sales lady go into the dressing room and start squeezing her into a corset-type situation. There must be something wrong though because MJ has, and I quote, the “tiniest waist” and this isn’t accentuating that. Just curious what tiniest is in comparison to. So, there’s that. MJ gets a new bra.
Jessica & Mike go to Jessica’s conversion class. Yes, Jessica is converting to Judaism with no ring on her finger. Oh lady, no. I’m over here wagging my own ringless finger at you. You gotta get some guarantee of commitment before you pledge to eat gefilte fish for life. Mike sees the conversion as one less barrier to moving forward in their relationship. How many barriers are there? I’d need that information before I changed my religion. I mean maybe it’s just me – and I’m a Jew – but this seems crazy for her to be doing before the promise of a future. Granted, I date men who can’t make a promise for the weekend, so maybe I’m a bit bitter. And by a bit, I mean totally. When they simulate a Jewish marriage, Mike start profusely sweating. Run girl, run… to Tiffany and get yourself a diamond. Oh wait, he’s Jewish. Run girl, run… to the Jewelry District and get yourself a diamond.
It’s beauty day for GG & Leila who are getting their nails did together. Conversation turns to MJ and how she copies GG. Because you have the same nail shape? Oh ok. Sure. Just then, MJ texts Leila about a property she showed her, which prompts GG to tell us that Leila is in competition with her and that’s why she’s now friends with MJ. So the whole world just wants to be you or beat you, is that right? I guess she has one of those delusional mirrors as well. Do they sell them on eBay? Leila tells her that MJ has been great to her by helping her paint – don’t know that help is the right word – and bringing her sushi. Needless to say, GG ain’t happy about that. She hasn’t so much as received a text from MJ. Leila thinks they should all go to dinner and work it out. GG thinks MJ needs to be medicated. And until she apologizes, she shouldn’t be around her family. Well, I am not going to disagree about the meds, but you kinda don’t get to tell your sister who she can and cannot be friends with… though your sister ought to have your back when some beatch goes meddling in your relationship. Just sayin…
Hard To Say I’m Sorry
Reza & Adam are waking up and getting ready for their days. Adam’s day consists of going to the gym. How do I get that job? If that’s all I had to do all day, I’d have the body of Suzanne Somers. Don’t laugh, that bitch is firm. And she makes a three-way poncho in black and mocha that can take you from day to evening. These are the things you learn when you have chronic insomnia. Anywho, Adam makes Reza want to be a better man. So, when is that happening?
Adam wants to have a housewarming party and he wants to invite Sasha. Do I need to tell you how Reza feels about that? Didn’t think so. Adam says he’s spoken with Sasha who feels badly about how things went down. Granted, he also thinks Reza is mean and a jerk. Reza agrees and says he will apologize, but don’t expect them to be homies anytime soon. Trust us, no one is expecting that, but you need to get up on that apologizing thing.
OK, pet lovers, turn your heads. You won’t like what I’m about to say. I seriously do not get the concept of throwing a birthday party for your pet. I don’t. It’s ridiculous. You know they have no idea what the hell is going on. It’s such a waste of money. But being that we’re talking about Lilly, it’s also not surprising. It’s Coconut’s 4th birthday so she’s having a party for the pup and all her pup friends. She’s buying hats and cakes and clothes for the event. Only those with dogs are invited, plus Asa because she’s cool and minus MJ because she’s not. How exciting.
You Like Me.
Oh I like GG with the straight hair. For some reason, she’s meeting up with Sasha at The Grove for lunch. Ah, got it. They follow each other on Instagram and “cyber-clicked” immediately. OMG, I’m so one bad internet cliche from becoming that old crotchety woman screaming at the kids to get off her lawn. Seriously, we live our lives online. Though now that I’m a single girl, yet again, I guess I have to be happy for Internet dating. Gag. Seriously, doesn’t anyone want to come sweep me off of my feet and make me a kept woman? I’m not getting any younger, you know. Don’t judge me. It’s hard out here for a pimp.
Sasha & GG shoot the shit about Persian artists and culture. He is happy GG has accepted him because he thought everyone would hate him. GG says she knows what it feels like to be judged and she won’t do that. Yeah well, let’s be fair here, GG. You’ve been judged based on some pretty bad behavior. He tells her about his run-in with MJ and how she just rolled up on him with accusations. He also confirms that MJ walked out with Reza after he called Sasha’s brother the f-word. GG thinks there’s a double standard in the group with regard to behavior. Reza can do what he wants, but she gets in trouble for everything. Well, sorta but not really. Reza got called out for this and you have been causing trouble for a long ass time. It’s not like it was a one-time incident. But this is fresh meat and a chance for GG to rip MJ a new asshole. Sasha is eating this up and is ready to enlist as a VIP member of Team GG. Good luck, dude. You haven’t seen the rage yet. Makes Reza look like a pussycat.
Time for the doggie party in a dog park… a place Lilly’s dog hates, but hey it’s not about the dog. It’s about Lilly and her wearing stiletto heels on grass. Come on. You’re an idiot. Oh for the love of all that is holy, a pet psychic just showed up. You know what? I’m going to set up my own pet psychic hotline. It’s actually kind of a genius scam to make some money. It’s not like you can be proven wrong. And now the pet masseuse has arrived. This is why other countries want to bomb us back to the dinosaurs.
GG shows up with her pitbull and Sasha – her other pitbull. While Lilly entertains and the dogs get readings and massages, Asa & GG have a conversation about MJ. Wow, she’s really on a recruiting trip. GG’s done with MJ and she’s pissed no one has apologized to Sasha. Asa says it’s wrong, but Reza needs to process his own craziness. Oh, it’s done been processed. It’s just all about swallowing his ego long enough to actually say I’m sorry. Get some popcorn and settle in. This could take a while.
Feel Your Feelings
Reza goes for some therapy with Dr. Downs, the foremost expert on gay rage. I had no idea that was a thing. Good to know. And glad Reza found him. Lord knows there’s some serious gay rage happening there. He tells the doctor the story behind the Great F-Bomb of 2013. Reza’s mad that he and Sasha are in the same category; gay Persians. Sasha makes him feels shameful. Shit, I don’t need a master’s degree to tell you that no one can make you feel shame. Only you can make you feel shame. Send me the $250. The doctor has Reza look at Sasha being flamboyant from Sasha’s point of view. His need for attention resonates with Reza and he starts to feel compassion. He also admits that Sasha represents his pain and dark years. The doctor says it’s time to come from a place of empathy because most hate toward gay people comes from not knowing them. This guy’s good. Maybe Reza only should send me $100. Doc thinks if Reza learns more about Sasha he will understand him and be less angry, which leads to him behaving in a way that is inconsistent with his moral code. OK, I’m liking where this is headed. Reza may have some redemption coming his way. Finally.
Reza heads out for some drinks with MJ & Asa… and MJ’s leopard leggings. Oh lady. Again with that mirror. In other drunken news, GG is out with her girls getting rocked while she waits for Sean to get off of work. And guess what, they all just happen to be in the same bar. What. A. Coincidence.
The shots are flowing, which means nothing good can come from this as far as GG is concerned. The more she sees MJ and Asa all cozy cozy, the more it pisses her off that MJ has tossed their friendship aside. We all know where this is going.
GG walks over to the table and asks MJ for a minute. Reza tells us that he wishes they could just have one night where they didn’t have to deal with “Lochnessa”. OK, that’s funny. Points for him. MJ, who is feeling no pain, asks GG if she’s there to tell her that she loves her and misses her. Apparently, these are fighting words to GG who asks her what her problem is as she gets into fight stance. You know the stance: shoulders squared, chin up, eyes squinty. The best part of this whole thing is watching Reza & Asa watch MJ & GG.
GG says it’s shitty that she was the only person that stood by MJ last year and now she’s being tossed aside. MJ is sick of hearing it. So are we, dear. So please apologize so we don’t have to hear it anymore. Meanwhile, Reza & Asa find the nearest exit and go for some fresh air. MJ tries to do the same thing, but GG physically gets in her way. She wants to finish this now. She also wants to wax her car with MJ’s tits. Wait, what? That’s a new one and one that I don’t quite understand. But it’s certainly original.
Sean walks in and GG wants him to tell MJ what’s what. Meanwhile, Reza comes rolling back in against the protests of Asa who says it’s better that they stay uninvolved. Listen to your girl. Reza says he doesn’t want to get involved, but just wants to make sure everyone is ok. Then he gets involved by telling GG that they were drunk in a club when the whole MJ/Sean thing went down, and then there’s screaming. How is that not getting involved? And now Asa is involved. But lo and behold, MJ actually diffuses the situation and apologizes to Sean for making a jerky comment. What say you, GG? I believe that was “Go fuck yourself.” Nice. Apparently, she doesn’t like MJ’s tone. Yeah, you know what people, when someone says, “I’m sorry”, you say thank you and move on. You definitely don’t say go fuck yourself. And you don’t keep having the same argument. Why does no one get this?
MJ responds by saying that their friendship is over. GG is shocked. How are you shocked? I’m shocked you’re shocked. With that, Asa, MJ & Reza leave without even having gotten to eat a slider. Tragic times.
Rachel: OK, baby steps are being made. I didn’t want to cut Reza’s balls off tonight. That’s progress.