Shahs Of Sunset Season 3, Episode 5 – Fresh Off The Boat

One Sentence Summary – Reza jumps off the angry cliff into the abyss of crazy.

My Thoughts:

Hang on to your weaves, ladies, there's a new gay Persian in town.

Hang on to your weaves, ladies, there’s a new gay Persian in town.

Rachel:  Man, I just can’t make it happen for the Shahs this season. What I loved about this show when it started was how awesome Reza was and how interesting and down-to-earth Asa was.  Not so much anymore. They have gone from being the brokers of love and peace to the popular kids that decide who gets to play and who doesn’t. And Heaven help you if you’re not invited to play because it’s a cold, lonely place to be. After watching MJ’s behavior at dinner and not one person stepping in when she told Lilly that none of the people at the table were her friends, I just totally lost the will to watch anymore. And we all know, I have a high tolerance for low class. I am hoping that Reza pulls a NeNe and recovers from the fame aneurism that is clearly making him act like a pompous ass. Yes, he still makes some funny quips – as did NeNe. Yes, he is still the center of the group – as was NeNe. But his arrogance is toxic – as was NeNe’s. So, maybe there’s still hope. As for Asa, meh. I’m not as invested, but I’d be happy to see her actually live by her mantra of spirituality. Come on, Asa, I know you can do it.

A Hairy Situation

Reza takes Mike to a hair clinic so he can make himself feel better.

No, seriously. There are two hairs missing right here.

Reza & Mike are at a hair restoration clinic. Really? Which one of them needs hair? Maybe they’re there to make a donation. Mike says it’s he who needs the hair, but I’m so confused as to exactly where this hair is going. I mean I guess there is a little spot on the hairline, but this seems extreme. Let’s see what the doctor says. Doc is with me and says that Mike is not a candidate for a hair transplant. There’s thinning but no balding. Seriously, the vanity is ridiculous. And while Mike is there voluntarily, it turns out it was at Reza’s suggestion so that he wouldn’t end up bald. Are we supposed to pretend that we don’t know that this is about Reza needing to feel power over Mike to make himself feel better? Oh, OK. Got it.

Well, the hair humiliation was a fail, so Reza says that Mike also has issues with having stuff in his ears. Stuff? What stuff? We’re in luck because the hair doctor’s brother is also a doctor and just happens to be available. Brother doctor comes in and checks Mike’s ears for stuff. Seems he has dandruff of the ear. Don’t look at me like that. I’m not scripting this show. This is what the doctor is saying: ear dandruff. But it’s just dry skin and there’s a cream for that. Well, thank God. You found something “wrong” Reza. Feel better now?


Because nothing says golfing like gladiator heels.

Because nothing says golfing like gladiator heels.

Oh boy, more MJ and her mother, Vida. Today, they are going for a golf lesson together and mom gets to drive the golf cart… very very slowly. MJ tells her pro that she’s there because she spends most of her time in West Hollywood and would prefer to be around straight male energy. You might want to hit up a Home Depot then. I suggest heading straight to the power tools section. Mom & MJ hit some balls at the driving range – well, MJ hits some balls, while mom just whiffs it. But they still manage to have a good time, which we know is never a given with these two. Vida even manages a compliment. Today was a good day.

Proud Parents

Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.

Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.

Asa brings her parents to the Diamond Water bottling plant. It’s very sweet to see that Asa’s parents are proud of her. See, I’m not always snarky. They hope some day that the people of Iran can drink Diamond Water. Yeah, if they want to pay $4 per bottle. Plus shipping and handling. And the snark is back.

Not Nice To Meet You

The calm before the Reza storm.

The calm before the Reza storm.

Adam calls Reza to let him know that he met a new neighbor and has invited him over for cocktails. Reza is less than thrilled, but says OK.

Upon his arrival home, Reza meets Sasha, the gay Persian neighbor. To say Reza is underwhelmed by his new neighbor is an understatement. Adam asks Sasha if he’s Muslim or Jewish. He says he’s Muslim, which prompts Reza to make a comment about them being extremists. Huh? Why would you go there? Sasha calls him out for being ignorant. Says he should be more educated about his country. Oh boy. This isn’t going to go well. And it doesn’t.

Reza doesn’t understand why Adam would assume they’d be friends just because he’s gay & Persian. Well, he might have assumed you might have a few things in common. But apparently that’s not so, because Sasha was born into a shithole while Reza was born into the Imperial Kingdom. Like this kid had any control over the political regime in power when he was born. Come on, Reza. Slow your roll. And because your family is in America dealing with your homosexuality and his is still in Iran not dealing, that’s his fault too? And now he’s too gay? What’s too gay? What are you smoking, dude? But kudos to Sasha for not folding.

But Reza isn’t done and tells Sasha that he’s FOB – Fresh Off the Boat – which our new friend doesn’t appreciate so much, so he tells Reza that he’s fat. Yeah, this is rolling downhill faster than a runaway train. And with that, Sasha is told to leave the apartment. Adam apologizes on Reza’s behalf and says that you have to watch what you say around him. How fun! I would want to make friends with that person for sure. Sasha thinks Reza might want to watch his mouth too. Needless to say, Reza disagrees and kicks Sasha out again. This time he actually leaves. Well, that went well.

Hot Girl Discount

Hey, I paid a lot of money to look like this, so I expect everyone to acknowledge my hotness.

Hey, I paid a lot of money to look like this, so I expect everyone to acknowledge my hotness.

Lilly, her wig and her pregnant partner go to look at some fabric for their swimsuit line. We are told that the fabrics inspire the swimwear designs as she stumbles her way through the maze of fabric bolts. She finds some that she likes and tells the gentleman selling it that she would like the hot girl discount on the price. See, the hot girl discount works when you don’t actually call yourself a hot girl because that it really not hot. Besides, he was already giving you a discount. I hope he tells her to eff off, but I know he won’t. He gives her a bigger discount than he originally offered, but not exactly what she wanted. Well, so there’s that. And that concludes the obligatory “fit Lilly into the show” storyline for this week.

Common Ground

Why does this shisha taste just like Reza's ass? Oh right, because I permanently have my lips there.

Why does this shisha taste just like Reza’s ass? Oh right, because I permanently have my lips there.

Mike found a gay Middle Eastern club and brings Reza, Adam, Jessica & MJ to check it out.  Mike thinks it’s cool that a safe place like this exists where there is no taboo around being gay. Reza, our resident angry guy, doesn’t like it because it’s not high end and they aren’t bringing him drinks fast enough. Again, he’s pissed because someone thought he might like a gay Middle Eastern club just because he’s gay and Middle Eastern. Um, yeah. Look, Mike was trying to do something nice for you. It’s not like he is ignorant to what being Middle Eastern is like. And in case you missed it, you’re in a freaking show about being Persian. You make a living off of it, so don’t be a dick if someone thinks you might be interested in associating with something Persian. Fuck. Seriously STFU and get the stick out of your ass. It’s old.

And since he’s already on a tear, Reza wants to know why there’s no ring on Jessica’s finger and why Mike bought her the small Chanel bag instead of the big one. Yeah, I’m 30 seconds from punching my TV. Of course MJ just stands there and repeats everything Reza says. Get your own personality, MJ.

Mike, undeterred by Reza’s bad attitude, thinks it’s beautiful to see all these Persians happy and free. And I would have to agree with him. The owner, also a happy person, comes over to the lion’s den and welcomes the group. Reza isn’t moved and thinks the metal bars he has in his ear are stupid. Holy miserable son of a bitch! The other owner joins them and offers the group a space on their Gay Pride float. Mike will do it. Reza thinks it’s because he’s making up for being a homophobe in the past. Sigh. Mike cops to having been a homophobe at one time, but also says his best friend being gay changed his views. Reza actually agrees to join the parade and for a moment is happy…

… until he spots Sasha in the crowd.


Artist working

Artist working

I guess we have to wait for the Reza blow-out until after we do some art with Asa. She’s having photos projected onto her body to represent Iran, Germany and the US – the 3 phases of her life. I seriously missed the memo on performance art so I’ll just let you decide what you think… Let’s get back to the club.

Tick Tick Boom

I think FOB now stands for "Feisty Ol' Bitch".

I think FOB now stands for “Feisty Ol’ Bitch”.

Yep, it’s a good time with shishas, cocktails and Persians until Reza spots Sasha at the club. MJ, whose opinions in life are dictated by Reza, lays into Adam about picking up strays at the pool. Man, I feel bad for Adam. MJ is just shocked that someone so FOB is so ill-mannered, which she decides to tell Sasha to his face. He crossed the boundaries of respect. Sasha says that maybe MJ should hear both sides of the story first. Well, but that would make too much sense. Reza joins the convo as MJ deigns to hear Sasha’s side. He barely gets 3 words out before MJ and Reza are down his throat. Mike intervenes and tells Sasha to just apologize to Reza for calling him fat so everyone can move on. Is Reza going to apologize for the nasty things he said? No, we know that won’t happen. And Sasha isn’t bending either, especially because MJ is still yapping in his face and Reza is still being a dick.

Sasha thinks this is unfair because Reza was aggressive from the moment he walked in the door. True. And just when you think it’s as ugly as it’s going to get, Reza says something about Sasha’s brother being gay and Sasha loses it. He doesn’t think it’s Reza’s business to out anyone. Well, that’s true, but you are standing in a gay bar with a TV camera pointed in your face. It’s pretty easy math from there. But then Reza calls Sasha’s brother a “faggot”. Whoa. So beyond not cool. Sasha flips out and Reza, the brat, rolls out. Probably a good idea seeing as how he’s about to get his ass beat by the entire bar. Maybe he’ll roll into South Central next and start dropping n-bombs. Idiot. Mike tells him he’s out of line, which just further pisses off Reza. Don’t you know he’s never wrong, Mike? MJ leaves with Reza because she has zero mind of her own. Sasha’s brother tells Mike that he came to America so he wouldn’t have to hear words like that. That sucks. I feel bad for them. Shame on you, Reza.

Bottom Line:

Rachel: Yep, the love is gone. Sad but true. Reza, I hardly knew ye.


8 responses to “Shahs Of Sunset Season 3, Episode 5 – Fresh Off The Boat

  1. So agree that Reza’s caught Nene’s fame aneurism. Let’s hope for a speedy recovery.

  2. I’ve not gotten into Shahs this season because of the unnecessary meanness. I caught parts of an episode when Reza dragged MJ to the woods to camp out with GG and her family. GG and MJ were obviously not ready to engage while Reza stood there hoping to see a blowout. The sad thing is GG and MJ are too dim to realize he’s meddling for shits and giggles. I want the old Reza back.

  3. Reza, I effing hate you right now. And I was so loving you up until now. What an arrogant entitled shallow pompous asshole you’ve turned out to be. It’s the Picture of Dorian Gray, and it ain’t pretty. How long have you been this insufferable magnificent bastard? How have you hidden it so long? Turns out Reza is one miserable old queen. What entitles him to be the Gay Police? How effing DARE he tell anyone else they are wrong for being gay THEIR way! People commit suicide because of dick wads like you Reza- you squirming bag of waste! How obvious you resent the open freedom that young Sasha can enjoy in this country. So you decide to Torment and tear them up to satisfy what Reza? How DARE you call Sasha out for his date of birth and geographical situation. Oh, because he wasn’t fanned with peacock feathers and fed grapes in Persia he therefore is not entitled to the pursuit of happiness, Bill of Rights, and freedom of death and persecution here? Poor Sasha and brother were born in Iran!! which is a wholly different place than when your fancy pants left it. My Iranian former boyfriend still screams in his sleep at night due to the atrocities he experienced having been conscripted into the Iran/Iraq War. Hey Reza, you ignorant fuck, go look at the fountain The Blood of the Martyrs in Iran, flowing red. Then tell me an FOB isn’t entitled to swish his Daisy duked firm little butt around West Hollywood. Hey Reza, google Matthew Sheppard and then watch how you treated people in this episode. Proud of yourself? You just become this toxic vile hostile little panty stain. This entire season you can’t decide whether whites or Iranians are the worst pieces of shit; you’ve been bashing and bad mouthing everyone. If you have nothing but disdain for whites, freedom, and homosexuality then by all means move back to Iran. Take MJ with you please. She has no voice or personality of her own. I’m so over watching her tuck her boobs back in every other minute. Here’s a thought, wear tops that actually fit! Reza, you toilet clog, leave Mike alone for the love of God. That whole scene at the derm DR was probably to give the twins airtime, but you are right about Reza needing to hump and piss spray other people in his click to secure alpha status. As for Lilly and her Hot Mess, I mean Hot Girl discount? Perhaps if you let him juggle your fake boobs. If you declared yourself emperor you might have gotten it all for free. Twit. Asa, Asa, Asa, wow. Um… yeah wow. I LMAO during the interview segment with the crap on your face, telling us about your journey to become that. As for you water being sold in Iran? Last I checked I think even water is being sanctioned by us. Good luck with your self-indulgent performance art though. It’s all part of the freedom I mentioned earlier. Artists and LGBTs rock it with your bad selves. You’re all beautiful even if some don’t understand or relate to you and your expression. At least you’re not knitting,….(barf)…. For the love of God.

  4. I have to believe that Reza has been possessed, because there is no effing way that the goon who terrorized this episode is remotely related to the guy we all fell in love with in season 1. However if it is the same guy, he certainly has the Jekyll/Hyde complex down pat!

    However, one thing was certain, about halfway through the episode my mind was already wondering what my favourite winey bitches would have to say about all this shenanigans,and you ladies certainly didn’t disappoint 🙂

    I mean, what fun is reality tv anyways if you can’t cross reference if the qrazy (yes this episode was so insane that crazy with a c as well as k just would not suffice -_-) you are watching is resonating with other people the same way it is with yourself. Suffice it to say, we are all on the same page. This Reza needs to go away, and stat lol.

    • Yep Oumari, q q q qrazy is the superlative this show demands. I am also wondering what Rachel and Melissa are thinking as I watch. And I am not disappointed that what I find shocking and ridiculous resonates with other viewers too. Let’s hope that Reza has his exorcism and personal epiphany, but that takes depth and bravery…. nuf said.

  5. The Reza scenes in this episode were pretty painful to watch. Like the rest of you I was completely disgusted and I was a Reza fan, too. I was glad mike stood up for what was right and didn’t get bullied into backing down by Irrelevant MJ and Angry Reza.

    The following episode kinda made me even madder, but I’ll wait to comment when you post about that.

    Oh, and definitely steer crystal clear from hair breakage by using a satin pillowcase.

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