One Sentence Summary: It’s an evening of graduations, stars & girl-on-girl kissing.
Rachel: Well, when I thought last week would be painful, I wasn’t wrong. Nope, wasn’t wrong at all. And most painful of the bunch has to be Joyce. Other than her hair, I find nothing appealing about her. She’s inappropriate, she’s petty and she’s Team Kyle. Three strikes and you’re out. I’m pretty impressed that she could make me dislike her this quickly. Usually it takes me longer than 4 weeks… doesn’t it? Probably not, but let’s not split hairs. That would make us, well, Housewives, now wouldn’t it? And no one wants that… unless it comes with Lisa’s house and bank account. She can keep Ken and Giggy. I’m generous that way.
Rachel: Yolanda is home making sandwiches for her mother & brother who have traveled from Holland to see David get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. You know I’ve watched too many Housewife shows when I’m surprised to see someone actually making their own food. Well, at least in California & New York. The girls in Atlanta & Jersey actually take pride in cooking. It’s very cute to see Yolanda and her family. Oh man, they brought her stroopwafels from Holland! That’s some delicious shit right there. Granted, they sell them down the street at Cost Plus, but hey, it’s the thought that counts. I didn’t realize Yolanda lost her father at 7 and has been taking care of her family since she was 16. I jest, of course we realize it, we are told every time she opens her mouth. Don’t get me wrong, I commend her for having a work ethic and making a beautiful life for herself and her family, but can we beat another drum, please?
Doggie See, Doggie Doo
Brandi is in her new beautiful home cleaning up piss and shit. Why do all these women’s dogs defecate all over their homes? Probably because they’re pissed and mimicking bad behavior. In the immortal words of Cesar Millan, “The dog is a reflection of your energy, of your behavior.” Clearly this is true in this home.
After the clean-up, Brandi calls her mom to find out how her grandmother is. She’s in the hospital and Brandi plans to get home to Sacramento soon to see her and her mom. Dad, on the other hand, maybe not. He isn’t super excited to see his daughter as they are on a break. Yeah, see Brandi, behavior does have consequences. Maybe not in Beverly Hills, but in other places. She’s going to write a letter to her dad and have mom proofread it first. Probably a good idea. But first, more clean-up is needed as one of the dogs pees on her desk. Maybe you and Kim can get some dog training lessons together.
Ugh, it’s Kyle. She tells Mauricio that there is uncomfortable amount of tension with her and Lisa. This is new news? She is unhappy that Lisa has made two jokes about what’s been said in the press about Mauricio. Really? You are constantly ripping people. It’s some bitter medicine when you have to take it yourself, huh? Mauricio says it’s his character that’s being attacked, but Brandi & Lisa are using it to exploit Kyle. Um, Brandi I get. She probably didn’t need to bring it up at Carlton’s or could have been more delicate about it, but if you keep her in the group, this is what you get. Zero tact. Lisa, on the other hand, I don’t get. Cracking a couple jokes about bullshit gossip is what friends do. Lighten up, Kyle, and take your lumps like a grown up. You’ve most certainly been on the other side of the table a few times.
Over at Villa Rosa, Lisa tells Ken about the joy that was the cirque class and lunch after. She understands Kyle being upset about the rumors – whether they’re true or not. She doesn’t know for sure, but doesn’t believe it’s true. Nice hedging of that support; I believe him, but I might not believe him if I had more proof. Ken emphatically doesn’t believe it’s true. That’s his boy and he wouldn’t let people talk smack. He goes with what’s in his heart and looks out for his friends. The women really could take a few lessons from the guys on friendship.
Back to Kyle who would have liked Lisa to have said something publicly about the rumors not being true, but she didn’t. Not a word. Hmm, Lisa, you wanted Kyle to tweet about your bullying her but didn’t get her back? Goes both ways, dahling. You know I’m a fierce defender of all things Lisa Vanderpump, but she’s in the wrong here. Support goes both ways. You don’t give, you don’t get. Simple math.
Carlton has a kitty named Midnight that fell 18 feet and is clearly in pain. So, she has taken him for acupuncture. Not an x-ray? I guess not. She says she’s tried everything else, so acupuncture it is. I guess if it works for people, why wouldn’t it work for animals? The kitty, however, seems less enthused by the needles, but Carlton is convinced he’s feeling better already. Listen, I’m all for the hocus pocus routine and letting your freak flag fly if you’re not harming anyone, so go on with your bad self, Carlton. At the minimum, it’s nice to have a Housewife that isn’t cut from the same cloth as the rest of them. I rather enjoy her.
Just A Pretty Face
Kyle and her new BFF Joyce head off for a facial. Well, Kyle is getting the facial. Joyce gets to watch and ogle her new friend. BTW, who goes in for a facial in full makeup? Anywho, Joyce would like to plan a weekend getaway in Palm Springs, and she would like to invite the girls to come. Kyle says that’s up to her, which translates to “It’s your funeral.” Kyle wonders if Joyce has spoken to any of the girls since the rooftop lunch. Joyce has called Lisa who was too busy for her. Yeah, I think she’s going to be too busy for you for a long time. Joyce doesn’t get it because Lisa is older so she should be wiser. She should appreciate Joyce’s honesty. Honey, honesty is only appreciated when it’s not wrapped up in a stupidity blanket. But Kyle says it’s because there are different rules for Joyce and her. Well, mostly it’s because they don’t like you. But hey, let’s all go to Palm Springs!
Kim is taking Kimberly to find a graduation dress. I’m sorry, but it’s weird that she named her daughter after herself. I think it’s weird when men do it too, but there’s a tradition there that I accept because of history. But moms & daughters? I mean is she Kimberly Jr? Yeah, I know it is Kim we’re talking about. Nothing makes sense in that jumbled up head of hers. But I do get that mom doesn’t want her daughter to wear a postage stamp to graduation.
Meanwhile, Alexia is telling Kyle that she wants to look at schools in New York with Kimberly. Alexia is fine staying in town or going away to college, but she doesn’t want to be pressured either way. Kyle is just happy she’s going to college because she regrets not going, because “destiny” had a different plan for her by having her daughter Farrah at 19. Were you dating a dude named Destiny, because outside of that I’m pretty sure it wasn’t destiny that knocked you up at 19?
Lisa & Ken are having Pandora & Jason for dinner. Lisa has been having thoughts about moving back to France, but doesn’t want to be so far from the kids. Well, it might not be so far seeing as how Jason is expecting a job offer in Manhattan. Lisa says no, it’s too far and then she & Ken would have to move again. Seems they moved to LA because Pandora wanted to go to Pepperdine. Um yeah, it’s time to cut the cord. When I went to college in Texas, my parents dropped me at the dorm, shed a tear and went home to enjoy the silence of a home free from children. But no, neither Ken nor Lisa are going to be happy that Jason is getting a good job in a field he’s studied. Way to make it all about yourselves. Wonder where Jason’s family factors into all of this? Oh right, they don’t.
Celebrate Good Times, Come On
Time for Kimberly Jr. to graduate and Kim is prepared for this. It’s also time for David Foster to get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and Yolanda is prepared for this. I assume we’re now going to hop back & forth between the two ceremonies and be touched by all the love and success in the air. Yep, we are. Well, all the love until Kathy Hilton shows up to Kim’s house and tells her she hates what she’s wearing. Charming. I’m gonna keep my mouth shut about that leopard tent she’s wearing.
Over in Hollywood, the ladies – Lisa, Carlton & Brandi – show up to the star ceremony to see actual real stars – Stevie Wonder, Babyface, Dr. Phil & Natalie Cole. Yeah, Dr. Phil is a question mark to me too. But the ceremony goes off without a hitch, and it’s happiness all around.
I’m Not A Lesbian, I Just Play One On TV
Now that the lovefest is over, it’s time to go back to doing what Housewives do: shop. Brandi & Lisa are looking for bathing suits today. There isn’t enough money in the world to make me go bathing suit shopping with Brandi. Well, maybe there probably is enough money, but you’d have to pay me first so I could get lipo before the outing. Lipo before and therapy after.
Lisa tells Brandi that she’s tired of spending her free time arguing with women about things that don’t matter… Joyce. There are real issues to be discussed and then there’s a rogue strand of hair. Brandi was told by others that Joyce was a shit stirrer and they were right. Yes, they were and that is why she and Kyle are like magnets to each other. Though I wonder if there isn’t something magical in that pot they’re stirring because they both really do have gorgeous hair.
But enough about that, Brandi wants to tell Lisa about her day over at Carlton’s home. Well, first she wants to make us all feel like inferior human beings by parading around in bikinis. Thanks for that. But back to Carlton, Brandi announces that they had a little make-out session in her hot tub. Well, that’s not surprising. Saw that coming at the lingerie shop. Lisa, however, wasn’t as ready for the news. She thinks it’s a little more of a big deal than Brandi does. But, let’s be honest, it’s really not. Brandi does this shit for attention. That’s all this is. Look how much of a rebel I am. Me! Me! Me! Snooze.
Rachel: And speaking of needing attention, looks like Brandi is ready to amp it up another notch next week. Joy.