Vanderpump Rules – Season 2, Episode 5; Surlesque

One Sentence Summary: There’s a burlesque show at Sur but it’s Jax’s breasts that take center stage.

Rachel’s Thoughts:

Rachel:  I have no thoughts. I really don’t. I’m too tired from the new gym I joined where their apparent goal is to make my heart burst out of my chest as I gasp for air while doing humiliating exercises. But hey, it only takes 30 minutes so by the time I really realize how silly I look, it’s over. But that also means that I’m feeling rather healthy so there is no wine next to me to dull the pain that is this show. Never mind the empty Baby Ruth mini wrapper there. So let’s just get this burlesque adventure over. Dear Lord, here we go again.

Tassle-tastic

Let's let a real woman show these kids how it's done.

Let’s let a real woman show these kids how it’s done.

Rachel:  We start tonight wtih Stassi and Katie come into Sur to discuss a surprise birthday party for Guillermo with Nathalie.  She wants to do a burlesque show for him, and she wants Katie & Stassi to do the dancing. Um, why? She’s some actual burlesque dancers to teach them the routine, but still I ask, why? Kristen not being invited to join is not lost on me, however. Page 3 of a Russian mail-order bride catalogue shows up and apparently they are the burlesque teachers. One of the Russians named something-ina comes out in an outfit featuring hot pink pasties. The girls panic. Yeah, I might have to agree here. There is no effing way you’d catch me in pasties on national TV, even with someone else’s ta-tas. And why would Nathalie want Guillermo to see his waitstaff’s naughty bits anyway? That’s just weird. And mostly I don’t need that much information on Stassi & Katie. Ever.

Ariana shows up for her next shift at Sur and shows us her twerking abilities. Listen, can we just kill the twerking thing once and for all? If Miley Cyrus is doing it on the MTV Video Awards (which are a joke unto themselves), then it’s clearly jumped the shark and should be but a memory; kinda like the Macarena and the Electric Slide.

So it seems Kristen & Stassi are speaking again after their dust up at lunch last week. And it’s just in time to style Kristen for her passport photo. Are you joking me? I look like an escaped prisoner in my photo. Seriously, who cares what you look like as long as the angry guy at passport control can tell it’s you? Is this an actual thing? Good passport photos? How come no one told me? Am I the Helena Bonham Carter of passport photos? Eh, I can live with that. Anyway, Kristen says it’s crucial that this is the best photo she’s ever taken. What? Why? It at least has to be better than her mug shot from her DUI. You can hear the stupid whooshing through that room.

And speaking of stupid, in comes a call from Jax. He’s in the hospital because he found a lump in his chest and is scared. He went to the hospital? Holy drama. Call your doctor and make an appointment for a mammogram. Can boys get mammograms? How does that work? Regardless, call your doctor. Don’t be one of those assholes in the emergency room for no good reason. Did he really just say he’s going for surgery and then correct that to an x-ray? Hardly the same thing, dude. Dial the drama down. But man if Stassi isn’t lapping this up like a hot cat in front of cold bowl of milk. But she’s not going running just yet. She has a passport photo to style and some shit to talk first about how many supplements Jax takes. Kristen googles Creatine and one of the side effects is growth in breast tissue. And the stupidity train keeps on chugging down the tracks.

Lisa & Scheana meet Nathalie to look at cakes for Guillermo’s birthday. Scheana wants to look at wedding cakes even though her boyfriend hasn’t put a ring on it yet. How about let Nathalie have her moment you asshole? They settle on a cake molded to look a giant set of ta-tas, and Scheana asks to see the wedding cakes. Yeah, this is the most popular bakery in LA. The baker has nothing better to do than indulge your infantile fantasies. Lisa agrees with me and says it’s not happening. Thank you, Lisa.

Tom & Ariana meet to do some shopping on Melrose. Now, I have zero problem with guys & girls being friends, but I’m thinking that if you are trying to win back your girlfriend after cheating on her, you might not want spend your free time with a girl everyone says you’re schtupping. Just saying… But he says it’s good to get his mind off all the BS going on. It also makes him nervous to have Ariana working at Sur because he & Kristen are finally in a good place, and this might set her off again. Which would make hanging out with her outside of work a bad idea, no? Wow, these people are some seriously dim bulbs.

Stassi stops by Jax’s with a “no more supplements” cake and to check on him. Breast cancer runs in his family because both his parents have had lumps in their chest before. But was it cancer? There are about 92 other things a lump could be. Holy creating drama. The doctor says not to take the supplements but he’s been taking them since high school so no big deal. And the protein shakes are no big deal either. You mean even though the side effects are lumps in your breast tissue? And apparently he drinks them all day long. FUCKTARD! He was hoping for some sympathy from Stassi, but instead gets a lecture about shoving chemicals into his body all day every day. Well then you’re dumber than I thought, and I already thought you were pretty friggin’ stupid. And now he’s talking about his sweater line again, which is just more fodder for Stassi’s unending assault on all things Jax. Just… wow. I mean… wow.

Katie & Stassi are meeting to discuss their burlesque routine. And by routine, I mean shoes. Katie puts maxi pads in her shoes to absorb sweat. Stassi puts a tampon in her nose when it’s running. I’m going to put a poker in my eyeball to make the pain of this show go away. Sweet Mary. I’m actually running out of new ways to call them stupid.

The boys are spending some QT together with some beers and grub… and Jax’s cancer. Record scratch. Back it up. Did he just say he has cancer? Dude, that is

Dude, you know that's your nipple, right?

Dude, you know that’s your nipple, right?

some seriously bad mojo you are working right there. You Creatine’d yourself a lump. You do not have cancer. Slow your roll. Apparently, the boys are about as moved by this announcement as they would be by Chicken Little telling them that the sky is falling. So he admits that he’s actually waiting on test results and moves to the next tale of woe:  Stassi. Total attention whore. I really have zero tolerance for people that create drama in their lives for attention. I’m looking at you Jax. But the boys think this is a great time for him to milk Stassi for sympathy. Wasn’t that what he was trying to do just a few minutes ago? How’d that work out?

Meanwhile, Stassi is telling Katie the same story but clearly from a different POV. Katie thinks it’s mean to yell at someone the day they get out of the hospital. Well yes, if they were there for something real. But this is a fake as Lisa Rinna’s lips. So, for once, I’m with Stassi. Mark it down. It won’t happen again.

The Town Crier, aka Scheana, is at Sur telling Lisa that Dani is spreading rumors about Tom & Ariana. Why does Lisa care? Honestly. But Lisa does and asks Dani why she needs to be spreading rumors. Dipshit says she can’t help if Tom & Ariana have a weird chemistry and even makes a snide comment to Tom with Lisa standing there. I think this chick has a weird chemistry in her head and should probably STFU. But she doesn’t and of course Kristen walks in just in time to hear what is going on. Lisa isn’t interested in any of this and shuts it down… at least she thinks she does.

Time for the big burlesque show and everyone is getting their make-up and hair done. Everyone that’s not named Scheana. Guess no one told her there was a party tonight. Whoopsie! Now she’s mad because she spent a lot of time on her hair and make-up already. Really? It looks the exact same as it does every night. Besides she can’t wear heels. Or that dress. No way. But when she realizes that she might not be Lisa’s favorite if she makes a scene, she puts on the dress.

Oh boy, the Russians are in the house and flirting with Jax, but he actually couldn’t care less. For now. Give it five minutes. And then there’s Kristina telling

There would be no TV show if we weren't all talking smack, so back off bitch.

There would be no TV show if we weren’t all talking smack, so back off bitch.

Dani that she had to cover for her after she didn’t show up last night, which was uncool. Dani thinks this is somehow Kristen’s fault. So, Kristen wouldn’t cover your shift which somehow meant it was still ok for you to not show up and that makes Kristen an asshole? How does that math work? Don’t get me wrong, Kristen is an asshole but this reason isn’t actually on the list. And cue Kristen rolling up on Dani and telling her to not spread rumors. Did you both not just get a lecture about fighting in the restaurant?  Maybe they’ll both get fired. I’m dreaming big tonight.

Guillermo gets his first surprise – the party – and then his second – the burlesque show. The reviews on Stassi & Katie’s performance are mixed, depending on which team you’re on, natch. But Guillermo enjoyed it and I’m pretty sure that’s all that matters.

But there’s still more drama to be had tonight. Jax won’t take off his shirt because of the tumor eating away at his chest and because Stassi was mean to him. Oh for the love. I cannot believe Lisa is buying into this. But she is and lectures Stassi about being supportive. It actually strikes a chord with Stassi, who apologizes to Jax for being mean at his apartment. Wow, an actual apology… which is just followed up with a lecture about drinking alcohol and taking muscle pills. Her jokes aren’t funny to Jax. Pretty sure that wasn’t a joke. He’s numb to it all. It is what it is and this health scare has made him realize he’s over her. And with that, we’re out. Oh but wait, did you see that little smirk on his face? He’s so making this whole drama up. Not that that’s a surprise.

Bottom Line:  

Rachel: Oh hey, Jax is alive and kicking next week and making out with chicks! It’s a miracle!

Photo:  bravo.com
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