Vanderpump Rules – Season 2, Episode 4; Rumors

One Sentence Summary: A new woman is introduced into Tom & Kristen’s relationship, but only one of them is happy about it.

Rachel’s Thoughts:

Another precious moment.

Another precious moment.

Rachel:  Is anyone still watching this show? I ask because I find that everyone has gotten so irritating that it’s hard to keep watching. I mean they were never my favorite people to begin with but this is bordering on the ridiculous. It’s the same story retread over and over every week. Nothing new. Nothing interesting. I don’t really care about Jax & Stassi anymore. Get together. Don’t get together. No one cares. We all just want you to decide. Same goes for Tom & Kristen. Let’s manufacture some new energy here or we’re all going to find someone new to watch. I’m sure there’s something going on in the same time slot on another channel. But I’m here so let’s get this over with.. finally. Thanksgiving turkey came first this week.

The Rumor Mill Is Located Right Next To The Pepper Mill

Jax is off to do a modeling shoot for Kitson online. Honestly, I find nothing attractive about him. I think maybe before he ever opened his pie hole he could

I'm gonna get in so much trouble for this.

I’m gonna get in so much trouble for this.

have been considered nice looking, but now just ick. Of course there’s a cute little blonde thing modeling next to him that can’t help but flirt with all his hotness. Well played, producers. Tempt Adam with the poison apple. But Jax resists and goes home a frustrated man.

The evil troika that is Kristen, Katie & Stassi meet for brunch. Stassi snuck in mini wine bottles so they could have a drink with their meal. It’s not her fault if someone picked a place that doesn’t serve alcohol. Well, seeing as how nothing in the world is ever Stassi’s fault, I guess this is just one more pass on bad behavior. How amazing would it be if a meteor fell right on that table right now? A Thanksgiving miracle. Anyway, Kristen is not thrilled to be going back to Sur but she can’t keep “vacaying off her savings.” I wish she’d take a vacay from this show.

While the girls drink their lunch, Tom & Jax mow down some burritos and discuss the art of being beautiful. I mean it’s hard to be so pretty and have girls fawning all over you. Well, girls that aren’t your girlfriends. Those girls just get to behave like whorebags and have you fawning all over them.

And we’re back to said whorebags – can you tell I’m over these people yet? – who are trying to get the goods on what happened with Stassi & Jax up in Arrowhead. Stassi is playing it as you would expect Stassi to play it – Jax was begging her in his usual pathetic way and she gave in slightly to appease his insane love for her. Sadly, that is exactly what happened.

Ping pong back to Tom who is happy to announce that he & Kristen actually slept in the same bed last night.  And by sleep, he means had amazing sex. Yes yes, the power of the guitar. It is mighty. Seriously guys, if you wanna get laid, join a band. You don’t even have to be good.

Now Kristen delivers the same news to the girls by telling her friends that she & her boyfriend “banged” last night. Who says banged? I guess the same people that say totes. I swear if she says humped, I’m outta here.

Kristen is happy that Tom’s making time for her. Jax says the odds are against them. Tom says life’s too short to not be happy. Um, you’re nothing but unhappy. Jax thinks it’s ridiculous to think it’s going to last. Hey pot, ya got a call from the kettle!

Enough of that nonsense, Lisa’s at Sur with Ken having a drink and dreading the return of Kristen. So is Kristina who thinks Kristen smells like old coffee and cigarettes. That is the best description ever. And also, ew.

Stassi shows up for her shift and wants to know how the photo shoot went. He says it went well… and yes, there was a female model there. Powder Keg Stassi blows at the news since she’s told Jax that modeling with other women was forbidden. Lunatic. Total lunatic. How is that even fair? Right, I forgot who I was talking about. She can’t be dating a 35-year-old who has to model half-naked with women as a job. Yes, because bartending is a much more noble profession.

As usual, Jax finds himself on his knees in Stassi's presence.

As usual, Jax finds himself on his knees in Stassi’s presence.

As usual, Jax has to chase after Stassi with his tail between his legs. He broke a rule and she’s pissed. Now, in case you were wondering, she’s allowed to model with men, because she can actually control herself. He just loves her and wishes she’d just give him a chance. Dear God man, why?  Why why why?  She’s fucking terrible. She’s terrible to you. She’s terrible to her friends. She’s terrible to strangers she passes on the street (I assume). MOVE ON! You actually can’t do worse than her… unless you date Kristen next.

Over at the newly blissful apartment of Tom & Kristen, Tom has gone shopping for food, flowers and apartment decor. Kristen is excited that he is trying so hard and is happy to have her best friend back. Tom thinks $10 of flowers goes a long way. He ain’t wrong. I’m almost mildly pleased to see someone on this show not acting a fool for 5 minutes, and then Kristen says “totes”. That was quick. Kristen doesn’t want to go back to work. Tom says tread lightly with Lisa. They need the money.

The new bar is ready to open in the Sur garden and they still need a bartender back there. Lisa, Ken, & Nathalie discuss Tom Schwartz, but Guillermo thinks a girl would be good there.  Lisa says that’s a great idea – yes, we need more drama clearly – so they’re going to bring over Ariana from Villa Blanca.

Jax shows up at Stassi’s to hang art since clearly he hasn’t had enough abuse. He probably really just wants to visit his balls that Stassi keeps in a jar next to her bed. He tries defending his modeling with a girl by saying it’s very important for him to have ties with people in the fashion world so he can get his sweater line into stores. I just snarfed my wine. His sweater line? Is he designing a line of cardigans meant to be worn with no shirt underneath? Or maybe it’s a 3-button henley line of sweaters. Stassi isn’t impressed. Naturally. He’s a wuss and she doesn’t know why he keeps showing up. None of us do. He says has a vision of them together… You might want to see an eye doctor.

It’s time for Ariana to meet with Lisa about moving over to Sur. She’s not a

Ariana is ready for the drama and has her head gear on for protection.

Ariana is ready for the drama and has her head gear on for protection.

troublemaker so she probably won’t fit in, but Lisa wants her there anyway. So are there issues with anyone there, Lisa wants to know? Of course there are, and they are with Kristen who doesn’t like her. Well, then Lisa likes you even more. You’re hired.. or transferred as it were. BTW, what on earth is Ariana thinking with that Caesar braid across her forehead?

Jax thinks it’s amusing that Ariana is working the back bar with Tom. He may or may not have info about them hooking up. He’s pleading the Fifth but clearly he has no idea how to actually do that since it doesn’t take brain surgery to suss out the hint hint wink wink nudge nudge routine he’s doing. He can’t wait to tell Stassi the juice, but she doesn’t care because she likes Ariana… and Jax doesn’t tell the truth anyway. How are they not bored with this back & forth? Lord knows I am.

And speaking of people I’m bored with, Kristen is back at work. She doesn’t get to just punch in and start serving. Nope, she has to have one last lecture from Lisa. Lisa is done with her attitude and she had better not bring any drama back with her. Oh and FYI, Ariana is working there now. Bomb dropped. Fake smiles everywhere. Kristen is happy as a Sunday parade about that… Well, no she’s not but she needs her job. Smiles and joy. Smiles and joy. Smiles and joy.

Oh yeah, Scheana. Forgot about her, not that it’s all that hard. She & Ariana are having drinks and celebrating Ariana coming to Sur. She needs a real friend at Sur, because there are totes cray people there. AHHHHHHHH!!!! Stop!!!! Ariana is excited for her new job, though she isn’t thrilled about dealing with bipolar Kristen. She also has no interest in dealing with rumors. Hmm… I might like Ariana. Well, I just like that she can’t stand Kristen, though the snotty comments about Kristen’s looks are really immature. I may be snickering over her, but I’m not proud of it.

Ariana arrives for her first shift at Sur… with Tom. The producers send someone named Dani over to perpetuate the idea that everyone thinks they’re sleeping together. Ooooh, did they or didn’t they? Yeah, we got it. Dani runs back and tells Stassi that Tom & Ariana look “friendly”. Oh no!  Friendly! Run Stasssi, run! Get the scoop from Scheana! They step outside and Stassi asks Scheana if the hooking up rumors are true. Scheana says no. Jax is a liar. Stassi thinks the rumors are true regardless of what Scheana says and hopes she’s telling the truth. How does that even make sense? But Stassi has a warning for Scheana, if she’s lying and brought a cheating whore into this restaurant, the shit is going to hit the fan. Oh stop it. You’re so ridiculous. Seriously, I have never seen someone so desperate for attention in my life. Yeah, what are you going to do, Stassi? Talk shit? Make threats? Cry to Lisa? You do that every day and no one cares. Find a new routine.

The evil troika plus Kristina, meet for some lunch and conversation quickly turns to Kristen & Tom. They’re good. Katie & Tom are good too, not that anyone cares, but I guess we have to give Katie some purpose for being there. Kristina is also happily getting laid. That leaves Stassi as the sexless member of this tribe. I would say maybe getting laid would make her nicer, but we know that’s not true. Kristina says she needs to find someone and kick Jax to the curb. Stassi knows she does and feels badly for stringing him along because she feels like she’s being fake. Wait, that’s you being fake? God help us when we see you being real.

Kristen is done with Stassi's BS. Too bad everyone is done with Kristen.

Kristen is done with Stassi’s BS. Too bad everyone is done with Kristen.

But Kristen has her own fake bone to pick, because clearly the real fakeness was Stassi sitting & having cocktails with Scheana last night. Oh slow your roll, Kristen. Stassi issues the same warning and lets her know she was merely doing recon on her behalf. Kristen is not moved. So, Kristina steps in to break it all down. Tom cheated on her and she should be concerned that there’s a rumor about him cheating again. But more than that, she should just dump Tom. It’s never going to be better. Well, that’s, um, honest. Kristen is happy now and holding on to hope so everyone needs to back off. None of the girls are in support of this and Stassi says that she can never complain to them again when it goes bad. Mean girls! Have they never read the friendship manual? And shouldn’t this mean Stassi can’t talk about Jax anymore either? Rules are rules, right Stassi? And the screaming begins until Stassi tells Kristen to leave, which she does. Ah, the sweet sweet sounds of friendship.

Bottom Line:  

Rachel: That’s an hour of my life I’m never getting back.  Sigh.

Photo:  bravo.com
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