One Sentence Summary: The misery travels north for a weekend getaway.
Rachel: OK, I’m using this space tonight for a mini rant. And yes, I know that I pretty much use this entire blog to rant about myriad and sundry things, but just go with me here. Ready? I seriously can no longer stand the word “totes” and these people use it constantly. I’m totes miserable. I’m totes pissed off. I’m totes drunk. Yeah, well I’m totally over that word. Yes, I laughed my ass off at the movie “I Love You Man” and think Paul Rudd is hilarious (minus that horrible booger of a movie “Wanderlust”), but the totes magotes is over. It’s done. Let it go. It’s not like they need any help being annoying. And while I’m at it, not every word needs to be shortened or made cuter. It’s amazing. It’s not amazeballs. It’s adorable. It’s not adorbs. And YOLO can take a walk too. I’m pretty sure the spirit of “you only live once” was not meant as an excuse to behave like a neanderthal on too many tequila shots. And with that, I hereby promise to never use the word “cray” ever again. Guilty as charged.
Shoot That Poison Arrowhead
We rejoin the nonsense with Lisa doing the flowers at Sur – I love that she does them herself – when Jax walks in looking for his check. He needs to get some money before he goes to Lake Arrowhead with the crew. And by crew, he means Stassi since he’s apparently hard of hearing and missed her telling him last week to move on. He also is going to use the trip to apologize to her mother. So, you’re going on a trip with someone who told you to take a hike and to stay in the home of a woman whose daughter you cheated on and who thinks you suck? About as brilliant as that tattoo.
Everyone is ready to head out to Arrowhead to see Tom’s band open for The Motels. Tom says it couldn’t get any bigger for them. Really? It couldn’t? So opening for, I don’t know… Justin Timberlake or Bruce Springsteen or Lady Gaga wouldn’t top opening up for The Motels? Alrighty then. I didn’t realize it was 1982. Dare to dream. But of course, that excitement is only topped by yet another fight between Tom & Kristen. Now she’s pissed because he’s spending too much time with his band. Why does he need to announce this to everyone? Does everyone need to be part of your drama? I know I don’t need to be.
But they’ve made it and are at the beach. Stassi wants to see Jax’s tattoo already. He’s not ready to show her so he’s just going to hang out on the beach in a long-
sleeved Henley. Makes sense. We all know how attached he is to shirts with buttons. But he finally is convinced, or close to heat stroke, and takes off his shirt. Stassi is blown away by the tat of her name. Well, at least she acts like she’s blown away but I’m pretty sure she knew what was there. She’s not that great of an actress. But it’s a big deal and it’s softened her a bit. So she’s gone from frozen to frigid? And now, Tom is walking around the beach in a knit beanie. What goes on with these fools?
After some sun, the band of idiots heads to Stassi’s mom’s house. Her mom can’t believe Jax had the balls to come with her. They had better not be dating again. Stassi says they aren’t, but he did get her signature on his arm. I think mom needs a bigger cocktail. While Stassi gets the third degree from mom, Jax is downstairs telling Tom that he thinks the tattoo went well. Well, she didn’t yell at you. I guess that’s progress.
Back in La La Land, Lisa is having a wine tasting at Sur. Man, what I would give to be there. I lurves me some rosé. Well, let’s be honest. I just lurves me some wine. When the wine tasting is over, Peter takes a minute to let Lisa know that Scheana is getting on the girls’ nerves. Lisa is babying her. She would just like Peter to take care of it because she doesn’t have time for their nonsense.
And back to Arrowhead for dinner. Everyone is dismissed from the table so they can get ready to go party with mom. Well, everyone but Jax. How convenient that there are two shot glasses and a bottle of tequila just waiting next to them. Mom does her shot – classy – and then wants to hear how Jax hurt her daughter. She gives him an appropriate amount of shit after he hems and haws through an explanation and tells him that she’ll tolerate him tonight as she does another shot. Rate she’s going with the shots, she won’t even remember he’s there.
Off they go to the bar to booze it up with mom. Holy inappropriate. Look, I love a mom that can hang with friends, but there’s a line and I’m pretty sure getting sloppy drunk is crossing it. In fact, I’d dare to say it’s an Olympic long jump over the line. She thinks Tom looks like Charlie Wonka, which I’m going to interpret as drunk-speak for Willie Wonka. Tom was thinking more Where’s Waldo but it would be better if had on his steampunk glasses that he brought for Schwartz. And since everyone is actually having fun, this would be a good time for sad clown Kristen to piss all over everyone’s good time by picking a fight with Tom about when he bought his glasses. Really? Why is that even a thing?
Jax takes Tom aside and tells him that there’s only so much belittling he should take. This from Jax? Jax who spends the better part of his existence being belittled by Stassi? SMH. Though it is easier to give advice than to take it. The girls also discuss how bad the fighting is. Katie thinks that they need to break up, if this is how it’s going to be. She doesn’t get that it’s not that easy after 5 years together. Then at least take a break. Then when he sleeps with someone else, he can scream “We were on a break!” every time you fight.
Well, that fun night has come to an end and everyone files back into the house. Everyone’s getting ready for bed when Kristen picks yet another fight. Holy shit, she’s terrible! Dump her, dude. Seriously. I mean even I can’t take it another minute. And now she won’t let you kiss her goodnight? This is humiliating on a hundred different levels. I know men love bitches – something I’ll never understand – but this is stupid. They don’t sleep in the same bed. They have no physical interaction and they fight non-stop. Plus, she’s got two obnoxious friends who fight her battles for her too. Listen to Jax. Did I just say that? Yes, I did. Listen to Jax and dump her miserable ass.
The next morning, mom & Stassi talk more about Jax. Mom sees Jax trying to worm his way back in. Stassi admits she still has feelings. Mom doesn’t trust him. Well, yeah, because he’s not proven to be trustworthy, though he seems to be working on it. Seems being the operative word. Meanwhile, Jax has a heart to heart with Stassi’s little brother. And let me tell you, the kid probably has the best advice I’ve heard in a long time. He says as a man you have to be funny, handsome, mature, and brave for girls. Smart kid.
Sidebar: Why does no one on this show have doors on their closet?
Lisa comes to work and Kristina is opening for Scheana who has now hurt her eye. This girl is a mess. Kristina says she’s over Scheana complaining, and another one joins the League of Scheana Haters.
Schwartz and Peter make it up to Arrowhead in time for the show. It’s a beautiful morning for a breakfast on the lake… until Kristen starts AGAIN. She thinks Tom
owes everyone an apology for being a dick last night. sigh. Just throw her bitchy ass in the water and shut her up. Now he’s crying and she’s crying and I’m about to cry because this is so painful already. My dislike for Kristen right now is visceral. I don’t think I’d be able to be in the same room with her without saying something nasty. I’d probably quite enjoy that actually. Hmm….
Lisa confronts Scheana about her nonstop injuries. She wants her to stop playing victim and making a big deal out of every little thing. The girls already have an issue with her so stop giving them ammunition. Seriously, enough; though I’ve had a cornea scratch and they are living hell. I will give her that much. Scheana swears she’s done and Lisa sends her back to work. I suppose we need to keep ping-ponging up and down the California coast to give us a break from the fool parade, but that was a waste of time.
Time for Tom’s biggest gig of his life ever. Watching Tom on stage has given Kristen a surge of love. Ah yes, the power of a man with a guitar. It’s mighty. There’s a reason rock stars get laid more than any other profession on the planet. What girl doesn’t love seeing other girls drool over their guy knowing he’s coming home with her? Any girl that says she doesn’t is lying… or gay… and then I’d say she’d feel the same about seeing her woman up on stage. It’s a drug. I’ve been in music for 13 years. This much I know. So dance and be giddy and kiss all over each other today. It’s going to get ugly again by morning. Even Stassi agrees. So now, I’ve been on the same page as Stassi and Jax tonight. I might need therapy after this.
As the night wears down, Jax & Stassi have a talk about where they stand… while they sit on their old bed from back in the day. She never thought he’d be back there, but she wanted him to make the effort to repair the relationship with her family. It will take time. He misses her. She says he’s needy. He just wants verification… um, validation you mean? But he manages a hug & a kiss out of it. This too shall pass…
Rachel: So we end the night with two happy-ish couples who will no doubt be at each others throats by the start of the next episode.