One Sentence Summary: Carlton hosts the ladies in her home but there aren’t enough crystal balls to capture all the negative energy.
Rachel: I’m sure I’m going to get a lot of flack for this – mostly in a silent eye rolling kind of way – but I kinda am loving Carlton. I know she can be a bit stiff, but I love that she has no tolerance for Kyle’s antics. Plus, she believes in manners, which I find are a lost art in this day and age. Seriously, have you been to a nice restaurant lately? It’s horrifying to see what goes on. Call me a snob, but I prefer you put the napkin on your lap and not stack your plates when you’re done eating. But I digress… Where were we? Ah yes, Carlton. It’s just nice to have a new Housewife on that isn’t cut from the same cookie cutter mold that all the other ladies are. I also love watching Kyle vie for her attention as she tries to win over the new Housewives seeing as how she only has Kim on her team, now that her posse has moved on to greener pastures. No one left to manipulate, eh Kyle? Looks like the queen has lost a few jewels in that crown. Love it!
Rachel: Oh great, we get to start with an ass shot of Brandi as she runs her bath. Her friend Jennifer stops by to see what she’s up to and watch her in the bath. Yes, I always love to hang out with my friends in the bathroom. I have no issues with nakedness, but I don’t need to see them bathe. Granted, it’s just one more excuse for Brandi to be naked on camera. And who bathes in full makeup?
Anywho, conversation turns to her relationship that’s no longer a relationship because she got what she needed from him – a house. So, tonight she’ll have “the talk” and tell him to get to steppin. Lovely lady. She seriously is working my last nerve and becoming intolerable.
Time to check in with our pageant queen, Joyce, who is with Ivette, the winner of a pageant she created called Queen of the Universe. That’s not an overstatement at all. Wait, she just said Ivette would be dripping in jewels today but they are going to the cancer unit of Children’s Hospital. I’m confused. Or disgusted. I can’t decide. They stop at a jewelry shop in Beverly Hills and Joyce gives Ivette her official crown. Alright, that makes a little bit of sense. I was like who puts on million-dollar necklaces to go do charity? Oh right, Housewives. While we’re shopping, Joyce tells us that she lived at the Regent Beverly Wilshire – the hotel from Pretty Woman – when she first moved to LA. You thought it was a good idea to stay in a $500/night room instead of getting an apartment? Well, I guess if you’re trying to land yourself a sugar daddy…
And now, we’re suddenly back home with Joyce cooking for her family. Awkward transition. But not as awkward as my dinner coming back up on me as she tells us how blessed she is for her family and her husband, who is the best lover. Pretty sure I didn’t need that info. Where’s my wine? I need to dull my senses quickly.
More Pretty Women
We are now visiting Carlton in her very gothic, very heavily decorated with crosses house. Well, house is sort of an understatement. More like castle. She and her son’s nanny – who is described as Tinkerbell on crack – are moving furniture. Can we go back to Tinkerbell on crack? Is that really who you want watching your son? And do your daughters have a separate nanny or do the girls just wing it on their own? Enquiring minds want to know. Oh, I see. Tinkerbell is beautiful and Carlton likes her son to be around beautiful women. Fair enough. Don’t see a Mrs. Robinson situation happening in a few years… nope, not at all.
Carlton has decided to have a lunch for the ladies to get to know them better. She’ll even invite Kyle, whom she hasn’t really loved thus far. Welcome to the party. I doubt it’s going to get better. Then there’s some talk with Tinkerbell about eating grilled cheese in daddy’s bed, which is just weird and I’m choosing to ignore it because it’s too soon for me to turn on Carlton when I’ve just declared my love.
Leaving The Nest
We are now back to Yolanda, who has a cough today. Look, I get that she’s for real sick and that’s for real terrible, but do we have to experience every sneeze with her? Today, she’s having in-home holistic treatments to try and get back to 100%.
Her daughter, Gigi, comes in to watch the in-home doctor’s visit. Talk turns to Gigi moving to New York for college at the end of the summer and she is very excited to do her own food shopping because her pantry will be filled with all the things she likes. Yeah, it’s all fun and games until you have to carry all your groceries down a crowded, snowy New York City street. Then you’ll be wishing you had mom’s veggie fridge. Though I’m sure by then her groceries will be delivered as I doubt she’ll be the starving college student I was. Ah yes, the days of eating crazy bread from Little Caesar’s for dinner because it was only $2. Well, $2 and delicious. Ah yes, the days of having a functioning metabolism… I miss that most of all.
But Yolanda is happy that her daughter has the chance to live her dream. She gets to go to college and model. Yolanda had to work to support her family because she was poor. They’re going to miss each other, but Yolanda is proud of her daughter. OK, I admit it. This was a nice moment between mom & daughter. The wine hasn’t totally dulled all my senses… yet.
Brandi shows up for her blow-off dinner with J.R. She starts “the talk” by saying that her kids enjoy being around him so she doesn’t want to lose him as a friend, but she thinks that it’s over. Don’t beat around the bush. Just rip that band-aid off. No worries if you take some skin with you. He thinks she’s great, but he can’t just turn it off that easily. So no friends, eh? This opens the door for Brandi to call him out on going to Texas on a couples trip, as a single guy, without telling her. Oops. This brings up a lot of her trust issues. Yeah, I can totally see that. But why didn’t she deal with it when it happened? Can’t get through trust issues if you don’t deal with them head on. This is something I know far too well. Oh he’s driving her home because she’s too tipsy to drive. Hmm…. Maybe they’ll wait ’til the morning to officially break it off. wink wink. I mean why waste a good buzz?
It’s Been Fun
Lisa is headed to rehearsals for DWTS even though she is still running a fever. She’d be happy getting sent home because she’s exhausted, but she also wants to stay because no one wants to really get voted off. The fans, however, were ready to see her go home and she gets the boot. She now can go back to being a mom, wife and friend since she’s been lousy at all of the above for the last six weeks. Yeah, but now you have a rockin’ bod, so it all works out in the end.
It’s My Castle, And I’ll Be Annoyed If I Want To
Time for Carlton’s luncheon and she just realized she has no… I have no idea what she said, but I assume it was some kind of beverage since Tinkerbell says most ladies like champagne & white wine anyway. Yeah, pop some bubbles and all is good in the world. Although I’m starting to think there aren’t enough bubbles in the world to make Tinkerbell’s incessant baby talk and love professions to Carlton tolerable. Seriously, it’s creeping me out and I think Carlton might want to put a lock on her bedroom door lest she wake up at the bottom of a hole with a blonde with overly white teeth telling her to put the lotion in the basket.
BTW, Carlton is having her beautiful girlfriends serve her new TV girlfriends lunch today. Yes, nothing says friendship like servitude. See, I should have never said how much I like Carlton because now she’s testing me with all this nonsense.
Kyle, Kim, Joyce & Brandi head over to Carlton’s together. On the way, we get to hear about Kyle’s dog’s diarrhea. Spare me. Oh we’re sparing me and heading into talking smack about Lisa on DWTS and her pretty faint. God, Kyle you are so bitter, I can’t even stand it. It’s oozing out of your pores. I don’t even bother with Kim because she’s just Kyle’s parrot. “Pretty Kyle. Pretty Kyle. Kimmie want a cracker.” But they arrive at Carlton’s and are awed by the McCastle so Lisa gets a reprieve so they can make Harry Potter jokes instead.
Right in the door, Kyle asks if Carlton was raised Catholic. Carlton finds that rude. I have a feeling if anyone else asked she’d be less annoyed. It’s the Kyle factor that makes it intolerable. Lisa arrives and Kyle is immediate in her rush to ass kiss. But the good vibes won’t last long, because while Kim & Kyle look at Carlton’s doll collection, Brandi and her giant gaping blowhole decides to tell Lisa that they were making fun of her “fake” faint in the car. Lisa is, needless to say, irritated, confronts Kyle and walks outside for some air. Brandi says she feels badly for bringing it up, but there’s no part of her that does. This bitch will say anything she feels like saying just to get attention.
Time to move the party outside and Carlton says her witch’s balls trap negative energy. You might need a few more with this crew. This moves Kyle to ask if she’s ever experimented with witchcraft. And needless to say, Carlton doesn’t like that either. I think no matter what Kyle says, Carlton will be bothered. Personally, I feel the same way. But man I love how Kyle knows she made a mistake and just keeps backpedaling. Stop digging.
Time for lunch to start after a tour of the house. Kyle gets to sit at the head of the table because Carlton doesn’t like to sit there. We all think the same thing, but Lisa actually says it out loud in her confessional: makes sense for the queen bitch. Small talk begins and Kyle tries to get to know Carlton by asking inane questions. Yolanda says she was attracted to Carlton because she has edge. Brandi, the elegant one, says that it’s a good edge. You know, she’s a good c**t. And the whole table comes to a screeching halt. That’s one of those words only to be used in very specific situations. Generally ones that are not happening on television, but Carlton isn’t bothered. She usually hates it but wasn’t offended. Joyce doesn’t get why Carlton wouldn’t be bothered by that but would be by Kyle. Um, because she doesn’t like Kyle.
There’s a lot more talking and joking and Brandi being inappropriate. And somehow we have moved on to the topic of vaginal rejuvenation. Yes, we all are aware that Brandi’s as snug as a bug in a rug down there. Honestly, I’m surprised she hasn’t shown it to everyone yet. But as much as Brandi is inappropriate, there is a level of well, it’s just Brandi involved. Joyce, on the other hand, has not quite broken us in yet so when she says that if she had a nip tuck down there, her husband would no longer fit – you know, because he’s so big, in case you didn’t get the joke – it’s just uncomfortable. Carlton near pukes and I’m not too far behind. Look, I know I need to lose a couple pounds over here, but please stop trying to make me lose my dinner tonight. I actually went to the gym today.
And then Carlton says something that I agree with wholeheartedly. That women could rule the universe if we just got out of each others way and stopped with the petty jealousy. Yep. Nothing truer than that. Brandi thinks it would be good if women stopped sleeping with other women’s husbands as well. Preach. Some women can be really lowdown dirty shames. But the “I am woman” party gets interrupted by, you guessed it, Brandi, who wants to know about the rumors that Mauricio has been cheating on Kyle. Honestly, Brandi, you’re on the show. You don’t have to do shocking things every 10 seconds to prove you should be there. Lisa says to let it go and ignore it. Kyle says it comes with the territory of being in the limelight. Yolanda says there’s rarely smoke with no fire. Brandi jumps back in with her situation where she believed none of it was true, but it was. Kyle is solid in her marriage and thinks it’s terrible for them to bring it up. Tables have turned and someone else is stirring the pot. Sucks to be on the receiving end, eh Kyle? What comes around goes around… and around.
Rachel: OK, still liking Carlton. I’ve got a little eyebrow raise happening after tonight’s events, but still on her team. Less so on Tinkerbell’s.