One Sentence Summary: As the ladies review the rules of the Girl Code one lady misses out on the importance of the Family Code.
OK, so I had to come back and re-write this intro as travel has gotten in the way yet again. Yes my dears, the day job is cutting in on my reality with its own dose of reality. Yeah, and this trip wasn’t even interrupted by a drop in at my hotel from the Commander In Chief – true story… some of those Secret Service boys are kinda cute I must say. So the ATL ladies are back and I must thank my lovely partner in snark for her Episode 1 write up… she always has my back. Now I get to spend a little quality time with my DVR and some much needed reality from my ATL ladies.
Paparazzi for Hire
So we’re kicking off with Kenya and her win over her landlord. Do all these ladies rent homes? Is that something I should consider? I mean are mortgages passé now? I mean there’s a convenience factor to calling up the landlord when something breaks, but hell, that’s why I got married… well that and for someone to get me refills on my wine. She’s not surprised there are paparazzi waiting on her (all 3 of them) because paparazzi is her life. Really, how much do we think she paid these photographers?
Home Sweet (Mom’s) Home
Porsha is getting on with her life at Mom’s house, and well I can’t say as I blame her moving back to that home to wait on her checks. That’s right, she’s good to stay with her mom so she doesn’t need to spend her support checks on a place to live. She was sold a dream with Kordell but apparently she woke up on the wrong side of the bed the morning after. He didn’t give her money like everyone thought he did and she was carrying around those gucci purses with no money at all in them. Um, I thought she had a job with the foundation? Didn’t we have a whole story line about that? I guess I imagined or misunderstood her declaring she could juggle a baby and a career. She’s humiliated and feels betrayed… welcome to the world of getting divorced sweetie. Take a number and get in line.
NeNe and Kendra are off to meet for lunch but NeNe is turning down a lunch cocktail – say what NeNe?? I’m sorry, did I tune into the alternate universe RHOA? Anyway, there’s a little come to Jesus heading in Kenya’s direction for stepping to NeNe like she did at the party. NeNe is ready to move on and not hold a grudge, but Kenya tells her she needs real friends right now being displaced from her home. Hang on now, didn’t she win a court hearing? She’s still losing her place? Is this the season of the homeless Housewives? Porsha, now Kenya… who’s next? Maybe Kenya and Porsha can mend their differences and become roomies. Oh, I would actually put up money toward that rent if they would just film it! Kenya goes from her twerking celebration over her hearing to a crocodile tear to try to win NeNe over (man that girl needs some acting lessons). Clearly we now know why she hasn’t shot to the top of Hollywood’s highest paid actresses. Thankfully NeNe isn’t picking up what she’s putting down, but like a true friend, she will take her to find a place. Kenya however isn’t happy with that because NeNe isn’t on the same page with her over inviting Walter to the wedding. Still with Walter?? NeNe reminds Kenya she needs to stand to the G Code and clear up the issues with Phaedra. You know, the hitting on her husband (allegedly) because as NeNe so eloquently states “with all the dick in Atlanta there’s not need to take someone else’s man”. NeNe’s solution is to get all the girls together to try to move forward. Oh, that’s gonna go over like a fart in church.
Oh no, Cynthia evidently isn’t feeling so hot and spending most of her day in the bathroom. Hey now… baby bumps? OK, she’s not preggers, but looks like she is and is eating at 3am like she is. What’s the story here sweetie? Always the supportive guy, Peter laughs at her taking a pregnancy test because it’s stupid since they haven’t had the chance to knock boots with her being all miserable all the time. Hang on, she has fibroids that are giving her problems? Ugh, that’s a nightmare. Sorry my dear, that’s no fun at all. Does anyone else want to smack Peter up-side the head for being such an asshole telling her he just thought she was being lazy and didn’t want to work out? Check that… does anyone else want to smack Peter “just because”? I know I do… at least once an episode.
Kandi is having a party, but left the good food at the store, and given Cynthia’s eating for fibroids she’s none too happy about the fruit and cheese platter. I don’t’ know there Cynthia, I’d happily sit and munch that plate of cheese and crackers. Cheeeeese. Kandi hasn’t made wedding plans yet because Mamma Joyce isn’t supportive of the wedding because Todd is out to steal Kandi’s money and she won’t get her share (I’m totally paraphrasing – not to mention speculating). Cynthia has apparently made progress with her mom so Kandi thinks she has to take her hard line approach with her own mom. Wow Porsha is rocking an awesome wig for the party! Aw, why you gotta go being mean and making fun of her little head Porsha? That’s not nice. I have a very dear friend with a tiny head and she’s very intelligent. Phaedra is still struggling with why Kenya is still so crazy over Walter and his being around. I’m with ya on that one Phaedra. Move along now sweetie… according to NeNe there’s dick to be had in ATL. Phaedra doesn’t think they’ll ever be friends and not able to get past the texts to Apollo – that she wants to fellate him.
OK, Phaedra does have some stinking cute kids. Poor thing is exhausted from all her work and babies. Talk turns to Apollo needing to feel appreciated for the work he’s done to the house since Phaedra doesn’t tell him as often as he’d like. Hmmmm, I bet I can find someone to admire your “work” Apollo. Hello awkward conversation with the friends. I really don’t know what’s happening here. OK, here we go, Apollo I guess thinks she doesn’t work hard. Seriously, I’m really not sure why he’s in the room trying to pick a fight… be gone with you so Phaedra can talk about you behind your back.
Cynthia is off to see the surgeon extraordinaire to manage the fibroids. OK, I’m sorry, but now I’m distracted wanting to go back and see just how many wig changes Cynthia has done for her confessionals. What’s with all the hair Cynthia? I mean don’t get me wrong, I love that wavy bob of yours, but I think you’re going a little overboard channeling your inner Kim. Sorry, I digress… her fibroids are draining the life from her and she can’t control herself. I think I should claim I have a wine consumption fibroid that has taken over my life. Hmmm, I wonder if I could get a doctor that would support me with that diagnosis. She’s hoping the doctor will convince Peter she’s not crazy. Oh sweetie, you’re going to need more than one doctor I think. Are you kidding me Peter?! Oh you are so close to a rant over here. Yeah, when your lady is bleeding heavily, the last thing she wants to do is have you trying to use her vagina like a trampoline for your penis. Ugh, I just want to punch him. Seriously I don’t get why it took a doctor to get you to understand that. Well the good news is she is a good candidate for the surgery, so then she can lose weight and Peter can be happy again (yes, still taking my own spin on the scenario… but you all are thinking it too!).
The Sit Down – ATL style
Oh here we go, the ladies are gathering and Kenya has some nonsense to say about going into the Lions’ Den but Lions eat their cubs so the ladies better watch out. I don’t know, I’ve played that back 3 times and still don’t understand what the hell she’s talking about. You should have thought through that comment a bit better… at least make it seem like it makes sense. NeNe wants Kenya to put everything on the table so the ladies will understand her side. Ad by side I mean crazy. Kenya tries to clear the air that she hasn’t done anything wrong that Apollo initiated texts with her. She doesn’t think anything was inappropriate. It’s all a silly misunderstanding… much like an episode of Threes Company. Kenya wants to make it perfectly clear that she does not want Apollo and she’s nobody’s whore or fool. Apparently Porsha doesn’t like what she’s hearing because she’s going to put out there she doesn’t have time for the foolishness and fake friendships. I have to say I do agree with her on that one. Say what now? Kenya accused Phaedra and Apollo of having AIDS? Come again? OH, that’s right, at the reunion!! Well, at any rate Kenya says nothing about her wants Apollo, but consider this my official sideways skeptical glance.
Moving on Up
Oh Porsha sweetie… Siamese cats… you crack me up!! Apparently Porsha doesn’t know what to do with all her stuff and Mommy decides to let her have the master bedroom for all her things. Oh my dear you just completely lost me with that little attitude of yours that you’re owed that master from your mom because you married poorly. STFU you twit. I wish she had told you to get yourself a storage unit or settle in down in the basement. Porsha’s lawyer tells her Kordell is packing her things and will bring them tomorrow. OK, so here’s my take on this one. I have on occasion after breaking up with someone packed their things and left them on the porch… or FedEx them. Let’s be serious here for a second you little Siamese cat, at least it’s not sitting on the front lawn, and that he’s actually going to give it to you. Hell, people have been known to sell things on eBay and turn a little profit… I’m not saying it was ME… I’ve just heard things.
Sugar Mamma’s Mamma
So Kandi gave her mom her old house, but it looks like all she wants to do is gossip about Todd to Kandi. Yes it’s under the guise of wanting her to be happy, but it really seems like Mamma wants to have a big old say in everything. Kandi doesn’t like how rude Joyce is to Todd in his own house… her house… their house. Joyce thinks Todd is a gold digger and it would seem she doesn’t care how much it upsets Kandi. Joyce thinks Todd should be the provider, not Kandi. Ah ha… here we go, Joyce doesn’t want Todd to be able to come to her house (Kandi’s) and kick her out. Joyce wants Kandi to find someone comparable to her. Oh no, that’s low Joyce saying Riley doesn’t like him but doesn’t want to say anything to Kandi. That’s just not cool Mamma Joyce! Now you’re going after the ring that Kandi wanted? Oh this is becoming so painful to watch.
Bottom Line: You all know I love Mamma Joyce and Kandi, but that was horrible, my heart breaks for Kandi! I can barely even remember the rest of the show after all of that.