Vanderpump Rules – Season 2, Episode 2; Branded

One Sentence Summary: Another week of unhappy people making other people unhappy.

Rachel’s Thoughts:

Oh look, it's Good Time Kristen.

Oh look, it’s Good Time Kristen.

Rachel:  This is only the second episode of the season, but I already feel like I’ve been sucked dry by these fools. Seriously, I could not give you one person that didn’t make me want to punch them out cold last week. Well, except for Lisa. I do adore her, but I’m cool getting my fix from RHOBH.  And yet I keep watching. And you keep watching. And we all keep bitching. What is wrong with us? Are we just masochists?  Or is it that we get some kind of self-satisfaction at knowing our lives aren’t this superficial and shallow? Let’s go with that.


Stassi and another server from Sur, Kristina, head to lunch. They used to be super tight but Kristina doesn’t like Jax so their friendship took a dip. Now that Stassi & Jax aren’t together, she has her BFF back. This girl changes friends faster than Taylor Swift changes boyfriends. They start their day by ragging on Scheana’s tragic birthday party. They get a good laugh at our tutu-wearing friend’s expense, but Kristina really wants to know about what’s going on with Jax. Stassi admits to hooking up with him 3 times in the past year. Kristina recommends self-stimulation over sleeping with Jax. This is great advice. Take it. Take it and tattoo it on your body. Stassi says she’s not interested in Jax. She’s interested in Frank. Really? Are these the only two dudes on the planet? Personally, I think it’s the fact that Frank is ignoring her that she’s chasing him. The day Jax goes AWOL is the day she begs him to come back.

Lisa & Ken pop by Sur to check on the construction of their new outdoor bar. They need to hire some new talent to work the bar because Jax hasn’t earned the right to work out back. So, does this mean we’re going to get a new cast member? I hope it’s a he and I hope he’s hot… and not a hot mess like the current roster. Wait, Tom Schwartz, Katie’s boyfriend, is interviewing for it?  Um, no. New blood. NEW. Katie wants him to have this job so he can have a steady income which will make him feel comfortable enough to propose. Bartending is the steady income job you want him to have? What the hell is he doing now?

Tom comes in for his interview & Lisa wants to know why he wants to work in this

If he can't talk Lisa into a job, maybe he can puppy-dog-eye her into one.

If he can’t talk Lisa into a job, maybe he can puppy-dog-eye her into one.

mess. He says he is a bartending machine and is a calm person. Lisa thinks he has a lot going for him but isn’t so sure he needs to work with his girlfriend. We see how well it’s worked for the other couples. I do like that he’s straight-up flirting with Lisa and a little hot for the elder stateswoman of the company. Yeah, he seems like he’s not a total douchebag, which is why he should not work at this company.

Wait, why is Scheana on crutches? And why is she constantly hanging out at Lisa’s? I guess she and Pandora are tight now. I also guess that Lisa needs a narc because that’s all this girl does is rat people out. And now that she’s told Lisa that Schwartz & her boyfriend got into a fight, Schwartz is not getting the job at Sur. Girl, you are going to get jumped in a dark alley if you don’t watch yourself. The Bitter Betty routine is only going to get you so far. As for the crutches, seems she cannot maneuver flip-flops because that’s what she was wearing when she twisted her ankle and got a – GASP! – hematoma!  Not a hematoma! I mean that’s really scary since, you know, a hematoma is a bruise. Drama much? But she’ll have to be off her feet for a week, which puts her on desk duty at Sur. Pandora also offers her a writing gig on her blog, Divine Addiction, which needless to say, Scheana is thrilled to accept. Scheana laughs that they’ll make Stassi go on the coffee runs. Uh oh, looks like our resident snitch got a little too drunk on her power trip because neither Pandora nor Lisa are interested in bagging on Stassi… today. But you can always try again tomorrow.

Jax & Stassi are working together at Sur. Jax wants to grab dinner with Stassi, but not as a date. Though to him, it’s a date. He is such a pussy around her. Seriously dude, sack up. She feels badly that he’s been trying so hard so maybe she will deign to go out to dinner with him… but it’s not a date.

And in other news of men who have lost their balls, there is Tom who is trying to put together an Ikea coffee table to make Kristen happy. Nothing will make her happy right now. Or ever. She really is a bad mood satellite orbiting the greater Los Angeles area. Here’s what I don’t get… not that I get much that happens on this show… but if you decide to stay with someone after they’ve cheated (and I assume apologized), shouldn’t you try to work it out? I mean I get trust has to be rebuilt and there is going to be residual anger, but seems to me Kristen has no interest in doing anything other than demeaning him and being a bitch. Why bother?

Pandora is meeting with Stassi about her writing on the Divine Addiction blog. Pandora feels like Stassi, as usual, is falling behind in her work. Stassi says that she has given Pandora a bunch of suggestions that she’s rejected across the board. Plus, she has to spend her time working since the blog doesn’t pay its writers. OK, I’m about to go on a little rant here. When did it become standard practice to hire writers to work for free? I’m looking at you Huffington Post. Your content is what you use to attract advertisers, which is how you make money. Pay for your content!!! I’m looking at you, Pandora! Totally lame. But because Pandora can’t rely on Stassi, she had to bring in more writers, like Scheana. Stassi takes that news the way Stassi takes everything, with shouting and a temper tantrum.  Pandora isn’t moved.

Jax makes another in a long line of genius decisions.

Jax makes another in a long line of genius decisions.

Now for the idiot move of the year, Jax has the bright idea to get his tribal tattoo covered with a koi fish as a way to show Stassi that he’s serious about proving himself to her. He also thinks it would be amazing to get Stassi’s signature tattooed on him while he’s at it. Schwartz is with him and tells Jax it is an epically bad idea. And really, it is an epically bad idea. So Jax does it anyway. Jackass.

Meanwhile, Tom has still not managed to put together the coffee table.  Dude, it’s Ikea…

Katie shows up to work and Lisa tells her that she doesn’t think Schwartz should work at Sur. After the dust-up at Scheana’s party, Lisa prefers not to bring that kind of drama into her business. She has enough already. Katie knows that Scheana is to blame and I’m sure she’s going to hear about it. And with that, in hobbles Scheana who is immediately confronted by Stassi. Scheana asks Stassi what the issue is, to which crazy Stassi replies that she’ll be outside when Schena’s ready and she can think about what she has to say. What can she think about if you don’t tell her why you’re mad, you total loon? Scheana follows her outside, of course, and gets blasted for writing for Pandora’s blog. You know because that is somehow a personal attack on Stassi. This girl needs serious mental counseling.

And Tom still has not managed to put together the coffee table. Kristen finally comes home and puts it together with zero issues. Poor Tom.

After spending an entire day putting together a table, Tom stops by Jax’s to check out his new ink and help him get dressed for his non-date date with Stassi. There’s an entire discussion about flat ironing his hair. Yeah, these guys do a great job of emasculating themselves without the help of their women. And now I’ve learned the art of making your junk smell good by putting spray deodorant behind your balls. Awesome. There’s a visual that will never go away.

Finally, the non-date date is upon us. The dinner is rather uncomfortable because Jax is seriously nervous and Stassi is seriously ambivalent about the entire

Hey MTV, your shows are being retread on Bravo.

Hey MTV, your shows are being retread on Bravo.

situation. She wants to see his new tattoo but he plays koi.  HA HA… I’ll be here all week, folks. But he isn’t ready to reveal that he went psycho and tattooed her name tattooed on his arm. And now we’re arguing about Frank again. Sigh. I’m bored. Stassi wants a guy who is honest and trustworthy. Jax is neither of those things. She’s not in love with him but she understands why he’s in love with her because it’s easy to be in love with her. Is it? Are you sure? Shall we ask Frank who won’t return you phone calls? But the bottom line for her is that Jax needs to move on. The bottom line for him is that he loves her. Yeah, even though this is all BS, it’s painful to watch. I, of the recent heartbreak club, know that pain all too well.  But when we cut to an outside shot of Jax’s white pick-up truck and audio of him crying about his love for her, I can’t help but think they fully stole this whole scene from Real World Seattle. Anyone remember this gem: Click here.  So yeah, this doesn’t end well for Jax and he joins me in the broken hearts club… though I didn’t get paid to act mine out for TV. Gotta work on that.

Bottom Line:  

Rachel: Watching miserable people when you feel miserable is just plain… misery.


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