One Sentence Summary – The MJ v Lilly war continues with pretty much no one taking the high road.
Rachel: They’re baaaaack and so am I. I know I missed a write-up last week, but I was knee-deep in cleaning out my storage units in LA last week. It’s weird to look at 15 years of life packed up into three giant crates. But unlike our friends on Shahs of Sunset, I am actually trying to get rid of stuff, not collect more. But it’s a new season for our friends of the Persian persuasion and their gluttony. You know I’m all in, even if that includes another season of Gigi. Ack. I guess every show needs a bad guy, or girl in this case, but wow she’s tough to take. Though she is a fascination because it’s hard to believe someone that shitty exists. So let’s pick up with Week 2 and the fallout from Lilly’s birthday party. Quite frankly I found the majority of Lilly’s dresses far more offensive than her not squeezing MJ in after she didn’t bother to RSVP until the last minute.
Ah yes, the fallout from Lilly’s birthday is going to be front & center tonight. So, let me just state for the record what I think before delving into tonight’s episode. I mean that’s why you’re here, right? I agree with Lilly that you don’t get to just RSVP at the last minute and expect to be accommodated at a formal sit-down dinner. And I’m pretty sure that Lilly is smart enough to know that MJ was prodded into saying yes. She didn’t really want to be there. I also thought the whole scene with Reza going to MJ’s house was gross. You all know how I love myself some Reza, but he owes MJ a way bigger apology than that after how he spoke to her at the reunion. Sorry, dude. You have a lot more work to do…
A Trip To Uranus
Mike stops by MJ’s house for margaritas and anal gland expression. Yep, you read that correctly and no that’s not the name of a new craft cocktail. It seems that MJ needs Mike to handle the manly chores around her house since she’s single. Last I checked, household chores were taking out the garbage and changing light bulbs. I don’t recall squeezing the anus of a dog being on the list. And yet, Mike showed up? Why, Mike? Why? Has MJ never heard of a dog groomer? This is disgusting. Mike agrees and hands the chore back over to MJ, who feels compelled to tell us that she sticks her finger in her own ass if she wants to make sure it’s really clean. I’m sorry. Why is any of this being aired? Exactly zero parts of this scene are interesting to me. In fact, my left temple is now throbbing. After they’ve given up on the grooming, MJ asks Mike how Lilly’s party was. He says it was pretentious and doesn’t like that she wasn’t included. Hold the phone. I’m pretty sure she was included via invitation. She is the one that didn’t RSVP. I really don’t get how is none of this on MJ? Isn’t she the one that basically blew off the event in the first place? These people be trippin.
Lilly meets up with GG for some shopping. Lilly says that GG has been so nice and open with her so she’s excited to get to know her better. Besides she’s skinny & pretty. My head just bounced off of my computer keyboard. GG feels like she should get MJ’s back and not be friends with Lilly, but she wonders if maybe MJ was too quick to judge. Yeah, you could say that. But they’ll all be together at dinner soon so we can hash this all out publicly. Oh Lord, that should be pleasant. I hope Bravo buys the dinners of all the other patrons in the restaurants when these scenes happen.
Meanwhile, Lilly needs a size 23 jean because the 24s are just too big. Can we go back to the anal glands now? At least that doesn’t make me want to drown myself in chocolate cake. GG tells us that she has a new boyfriend that she’s been with for 5 months… though she was on a 2-day break during Lilly’s party. This makes her making out by the pool legal. How convenient. We’ll see how well that plays when Sean see this episode.
The Perfect Top
Asa pops by her bottling plant to check on her Diamond Water. Yeah, I got an email about that. Apparently it’s ready for online ordering and you can get a 12-pack for about $4 a bottle when all is said and done. Yeah, let me tell you what I don’t need a $4 bottle of. Water. Diamond or no diamond. But hey, if she can find enough suckers to buy it, then good for her.
The woman working for the bottling factory tells Asa that she has to take off her jewelry & wear a hairnet. You’d have thought she said she had to walk naked through the place while doing the Hokey Pokey. Listen to the lady. No one wants your hair in their water and I’m pretty sure there are no actual super powers in those bangles. Asa acquiesces and heads into the factory where she sees her bottles which won’t stand up straight on the conveyor belts due to her design. Did no one want to have a conversation BEFORE they pressed out hundreds of plastic bottles? The bottle cap, which must look exactly like she envisions it, needs a special machine that will cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $450k. Now, I’m starting to understand how a bottle of water can cost $4. I mean clearly you need to have the cap look like a diamond or no one will get that it’s actual diamond-infused water. Never mind that that’s what it’s called. But hey, it’s your money. Oh wait… No, it’s not.
Asa doesn’t understand how she’s supposed to have her beautiful bottle of water contain the love energy, when the machine to make the cap – the crowning piece – is going to cost triple what her entire budget was supposed to be. Good question. Dan – who is apparently some dude in charge of the production – says that it’s a beautifully structured water. Yeah, good to know, but how does that answer the $450k question? All Asa knows is that it has to happen. She has $350k in pre-orders waiting. Say what? Who are these people? So off to ask her investors for more money. PS – She gets it. I’ve seen the bottles. You can too here.
Help Me Help You
Mike is at the office he shares with Reza making prank calls to his brother since it seems Reza went AWOL on him before he could train him. He would really like some guidance on the residential real estate business from his partner, but in the meantime he’s going to put an ad on a bus. Maybe save your money and buy a few books on real estate? He calls Reza about it and is pretty much dismissed because Reza is actually closing a deal. Okay, what has happened to my Reza? He’s been such a righteous jerk lately. You don’t tell someone to leave their job to partner with them and then leave them high & dry. I get that Mike has to get out there and sell, but maybe help him get out their and sell. Reza says Mike needs to do his homework and THEN come to him for advice. Dude, just be a good friend and help your homie out. Man, it’s going to be ugly when the pack turns on him. And they will because everyone gets their turn in the doghouse. EVERYONE.
Not So Smooth Moves
MJ pays a visit to GG’s sister Leila, who is going through a divorce. She needs MJ to lease her house asap so she can get her kid into school. Oy vey. Didn’t she JUST have a baby? Sometimes I think I’m lucky to be single when I her things like “Daddy moved out and already has a girlfriend.” Apparently, Daddy actually had a girlfriend before he moved out. Kinda stupid to have a woman that’s not your wife over for some good times when there are cameras everywhere. Clearly he was looking to get caught. Nobody can be that stupid. Well, outside of the cast of Jersey Shore.
Two’s A Crowd
Reza & Adam are moving in together into the condo that Reza just sold to someone else. However, the guy can’t move in for 8 months, so Reza is renting the place in the meantime. Anyone else think that’s weird? Reza says this way they can test this whole living together stichmo before committing longterm. That I get. I don’t get doing it in your client’s new home. But it’s the only place that Adam could afford half the rent and was big enough for Reza. But cohabitational bliss has not yet moved in and Reza wishes Adam would do something already besides get on his nerves. Oh this is doomed. I don’t know how Adam puts up with Reza speaking to him like he’s a child.
Keeping Women In Their Place
Lilly goes to dinner with her cousin, sister, & brother. All the women are dressed in white, which is confusing to me. Is this a mini white party? No, but it is another birthday celebration for Lilly whose parents are freaked out that she is 30 and not married. Girl imagine what that looks like at 40. Yeah, there’s a reason why I drink this much. Anywho, Lilly feels like she’s finally ready to date. Her brother thinks it’s about time since, from a medical standpoint, she doesn’t have a lot of time left before her eggs are all shriveled up and gone. He thinks she is the problem in her relationships, because she has too many conditions. Wow, this guy sucks. I’m wishing that a waiter would “accidentally” spill a glass of wine in his lap…. wine or a bucket of hot grease. And boy that annoying voice of Lilly’s seems to be a family trait. Boy his wife is a lucky lucky girl. He says that he hopes that the three women at the table aren’t the first failures in their family when it comes to passing down of the family genes. I hate this guy. I hate him and his mousey whiny voice.
All About Me
GG brings her boyfriend Sean to Leila’s for dinner. He works in another state which doesn’t work for GG who needs constant attention. So you decided to date someone that doesn’t live near you? That makes sense. MJ joins the party and GG tells her that she thinks Lilly uninviting her to her party was a blessing in disguise. You see it helped GG and Asa get closer, as well as made Reza feel closer to MJ because he fired off the warning shot. Um, if you say so. MJ defends not rsvp-ing because who knows they’re supposed to click yes or no on an evite? You mean besides everyone? This is the defense you’re going with? That you’re too dumb to figure out evite? Alrighty. Even GG thinks that’s a load. MJ & Lilly don’t even like each other so the fact that she was invited should have been enough to prompt MJ to respond out of politeness… not that MJ knows much about that. This gives GG a nice little segue into reminding MJ that she was uninvited to her birthday last year, so she probably should find some other leg to stand on because this defense is pretty wobbly. And MJ will have to live with that terrible decision until GG decides she trustworthy again. You gotta love how GG can turn every conversation back to her. It’s a talent actually.
Time for the group dinner, which GG thinks will help her sister Leila forget about her evil ex for a little while. Yes, sitting at a table with screaming and bickering is a great way to forget about your divorce. Why not just make her watch Unfaithful while she’s at it. But things start out pleasant enough with some drinks and some laughs. Then Lilly shows up… Talk turns to her party and when MJ makes a comment about Mohammed’s parties not being all that good, Lilly sees it as an opportunity to throw shade. Is that why MJ didn’t want to come to her party? And we’re off to the races, kids. Everyone enjoy their appetizers! They may be a little salty tonight. MJ thinks Lilly was purposely keeping her out. Lilly pulls out her book of etiquette and tells MJ that her lack of manners is what kept her out. Then Mike chimes in that the real issue was that the party would have been more fun with MJ there. Um, yeah, I don’t see how that was helpful at all. How about you keep out of it? GG comes to Lilly’s defense and now Reza pipes up with his defense of MJ. Let me get this straight… They’re fighting over the fact that MJ was invited to a party, out of obligation, to which she didn’t bother to rsvp and was somehow victimized by Lilly and the evil evite empire? Lord this is ridiculous. But any situation where logic is not part of the conversation is going to be. And it just gets ugly from there with no one stepping in to calm them down. So, Lilly bails after no one cops to being her friend when MJ says she has none at the table. I have to say that was just a shitty shitty display. Those fuckers put their nose in EVERYONE’S business when the mood strikes, but just sat their like bumps on a log and watched Lilly get obliterated. Pathetic. Lilly may be as plastic as they come, but that was some genuinely bullshit behavior there. She deserves better from her “friends”.
Rachel: Wow, I’m really feeling like I may have to break-up with Reza and find a new Reality TV BFF. So not feeling him this season. But this is generally what happens after a few seasons of being on TV and starting to believe your own hype. Too bad.