Vanderpump Rules – Season 2, Episode 1; A Catered Affair To Remember

Odd Girl Out

Rachel’s Thoughts:

Princess Stassi is back and looking better than ever, according to her.

Princess Stassi is back and looking better than ever, according to her.

Rachel:  Oh boy, here we go. I’m not sure I’m mentally prepared for this, which really means that I’m too sober. This is one of those shows that drives me up a wall and back down, but yet I can’t stop myself from watching. It’s a total train wreck of a cast. So what do we already know about tonight from the RHOBH crossover? Well, Kristen was a total beatch to Lisa and got sent home from Kyle’s party, Scheana lost her two front teeth in a fall and Katie managed to dye her hair a color not seen in nature. I think that catches us up.  Let’s continue…

A lot of words…

So, we’re back to Kyle’s party and Kristen’s diva attitude. We’re also back to Scheana’s grey front tooth, which she goes running to Lisa about. Sweet Mary, Scheana. You can’t run to Lisa for everything and did you really think Brandi was

I swear the bucket on your head is a better look than what you have going on.

I swear the bucket on your head is a better look than what you have going on now.

going to be nice to you? You schtuped her husband! She should knock the tooth back out. But it seems Scheana is also ducking jabs from Stassi who didn’t text her after her surgery. Scheana is hurt and Stassi is naturally unsympathetic. It’s not a big deal to her. How do you expect sympathy from a narcissist, Scheana? Poor girl doesn’t get that Stassi has her friends back so she’s no longer needed. Go cry about lost friends in a corner with Kyle. Lisa breaks up the fight before anymore drama can go down in the kitchen and Stassi goes to Jax for comfort. He’s still fawning over her and she’s still keeping him in limbo. Dude, stop gnawing on that bone.

The party winds down and the staff – minus Scheana who is left to clean – heads out for some drinks. Guess the cool kids have sent her to a new lunch table. I’m lost as to why she wants to hang with these idiots on the first place. They’re not nice people. Speaking of not nice people, Kristen is waiting at the bar for her friends who she immediately calls doormats. What a sweetheart. Katie isn’t taking the jab lightly and comes back at her about being a doormat since she’s the one that’s not saying what’s going on. Say what? Ah, it seems our buddy Tom went to Vegas for a modeling job and got some extra service from the Bottle girl at a nightclub. Whoops. So now that’s out on the table. What a fun evening out!

Lisa, Pandora & Scheana go shopping for matching dresses for their co-birthday luncheon. Wait, people do this past the third grade? But before they can pick a dress, Scheana has to whine some more about Stassi and her no-tooth-check-in. Look, Stassi doesn’t think she owes you an apology because having surgery is not a big deal, which says a lot about her character. Move on. She’s not a good friend.

Stassi meets her dad for lunch and he has brought his own bottle of Bailey’s with him to the restaurant. Classy. But father-daughter time is interrupted because

Steve McQueen... Steve McQueen... just nod & pretend.

Steve McQueen… Steve McQueen… just nod & pretend.

Jax has requested a conversation with her dad to try and explain away his cheating and lying. He says he’s really sorry for what he put her through. He also manages a dig about her dating Frank two days after they broke up. Um, I’m thinking being passive aggressive with the father of a girl you’re trying to win back is not a great strategy for success. But then again, maybe this is why Jax is where he is in life. Turns out, Dad liked Frank & thinks Jax is a piece of work. He should strive to be more like Steve McQueen. Jax doesn’t know who that is. You want to be an actor & you don’t know Steve McQueen? Idiot. Dad says man up. That’s the bottom line. Jax is working on it. Ha, good luck.

Lisa pulls Kristen aside during her shift at Sur. She explains that Kristen doesn’t get to speak to her that way, ever. Ridiculous that it even has to be explained in the first place. So does Lisa & she suspends Kristen for 2 weeks. How’s that attitude working for you now, Kristen?

Jax & Tom (the Schwartz version) hit the gym and we get to hear them grunt for a couple minutes. Gee, thanks for that. Jax loves his life as a single guy because women rain on your parade. And yet you’re chasing Stassi around like she’s covered in chocolate and you’re Augustus Gloop. This guys is a mess.

Tom is getting for work while Kristen continues to sulk her way through this show. She is still angry at him but somehow they’ve managed to not find time to have an actual conversation about what went down. Sounds like a fun home. Stassi comes over and tells her that she needs to figure something out because she cries every day. Stassi’s situation is tough too because Jax won’t leave her alone. And then there’s Scheana’s birthday which Stassi has to go to because she can’t let Scheana get too close to Lisa. Shoot me. Shoot me now.

Time for the birthday party at Lisa’s. Pandora is warned not to get involved in drama. Um, then maybe don’t go to the party. Only way to avoid it. The party

It's my party and I'll scheme if I want to...

It’s my party and I’ll scheme if I want to…

starts & Scheana wants to talk to Stassi about Tooth-gate AGAIN. Same convo. Same eye roll from me. Scheana feels left out. Stassi thinks that’s ridic, but apologizes to get this over with. Thank you. For once, your duplicity works out well for me. At lunch, Scheana & Pandora hear that Kristen will be attending their birthday party that night, but neither are interested in that. Katie says the she knows Kristen’s attitude was bad with Lisa & Scheana recommends that they not be friends anymore since they’re always fighting. Ah, I see what you’re up to. Push out Kristen and get yourself back in the group. Careful there, schemer. It’s going to backfire.

Night is upon us and Scheana is in “I’m your BFF” mode with Stassi & Katie. This chick is really working a nerve. I can smell the desperation all the way over here. Kristen & Tom show up and she gets a very chilly reception from Pandora. But Kristen is off to shame Tom publicly for cheating before she can notice. Dude, get a set of balls an call her out already! But Kristen doesn’t get far before Pandora is back in her path and confronting her. She tries to justify her behavior. Pandora isn’t having it and suggests she figure her shit out. Quickly.

Outside the Kristen-Katie-Stassi troika is back to talking shit on Scheana when she comes prancing up to the group. Katie tells her they’re talking about her & Kristen lays into her. Scheana goes on about her tooth again, but Katie has reached her tipping point with the story and tells her to eff off. Nice behavior at her birthday party. Just go home if you don’t want to be there. I don’t like

It occurs to Scheana that she has no friends and a boyfriend that cries after getting into a fight.

It occurs to Scheana that she has no friends and a boyfriend that cries after getting into a fight.

Scheana either but I’m not at her birthday party. The scene travels inside & Scheana would like Kristen to leave. No. She doesn’t want to. Pandora & Jason, however, are ready to go. Smartest people in the room. Now, Scheana would like Katie to go. Shay, Scheana’s boyfriend, tells Katie to be nice. Schwartz tells him to to take a breath because the situation won’t be resolved tonight. Schwartz also thinks he probably should calm Scheana down too, which causes Shay to take a swing…. which then causes him to cry. No for real. He’s crying. This is hilarious. Katie, Kristen & Stassi all leave with the boys which upsets Scheana. She wants Stassi to stay. Not happening. Somoene should have bought Scheana a clue for her birthday.

Bottom Line:  

Rachel: I’ve been to high school parties with more mature behavior.  Hell, I was at a 4-year-old’s party last night with more mature behavior.


7 responses to “Vanderpump Rules – Season 2, Episode 1; A Catered Affair To Remember

  1. “Toothgate”, LMAO!

  2. I lost several hours of my precious life watching the last go a’round with these sorry sacks of crap. I’m not watching any of it this time. I know you’re taking one for your blog fans team, but ouch! I am concerned Rachel and Melissa, for your quality of life. You are so right, even four year olds are above this self-absorbed boo-hoo me self-promoting delusional schmear of shit.

  3. These people are just plain sad. Wannabe actors/actresses working as food servers in LA. Yeah, super original.
    I don’t know how old Jax claims to be, but my guess he’s around 35/36. And I think he’s 100% full of shit when he said he had never heard of Steve McQueen.

  4. If they want to be actors they better get lessons. That whole dinner fiasco with Jaxon and Stashie (I know that’s not how you spell her name, but I just can’t take her seriously) was the worst acting I’ve ever seen! Are we really expected to believe these two are in love? Of course, if they are NOT really self-absorbed, shallow, 20-somethings who act like 16-year olds, then I guess they are good actors, lol.

    • I honestly thought I was watching a rehash of the Real World Seattle when David is screaming how much he loves Kira in his white pick-up truck. I couldn’t help thinking that they just ripped this whole scened off.

  5. Jax is a pathetic loser. Stassy is a bitchy loser. It would be best for them to stay together so they don’t spread more of themselves.

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