One Sentence Summary: The Beverly Hills ladies are back with two new additions that look to be ready to bring the drama.
Rachel: Alright alright alright, the Bev Hills bitches are back! And we have two new ones to add to the mix. Honestly, I didn’t even know Taylor wasn’t coming back until like a week ago. Granted, I didn’t even realize she was missing from the cast photo I saw on Us Weekly. So, I suppose it’s no big loss. And I can tell you that no part of me is going to miss Adrienne, which is sad being that she was my favorite Season 1 and probably part of Season 2. Can’t remember actually. But she definitely suffered a fame aneurysm, and while Nene was able to come back from hers and become lovable – Housewife lovable – again, I don’t see Adrienne making the same leap. Anyway, let’s get this party started. I have my Pinot Noir ready to ease the pain should it get to be too much.
Like Mother, Like Daughter
Rachel: Holy balls, Yolanda’s daughter is gorgeous. I know we saw her last season but I was so distracted by Yolanda harassing her about her weight – well, and her veggie fridge – that I don’t think I fully realized how beautiful she is. Yolanda is with her on a photo shoot, which I’m sure is fun for everyone, even though she says the photographer doesn’t mind. Yeah, sure. He just loves you over his shoulder critiquing every shot. But Yolanda is just happy to be there since we all know how her Lyme disease had her out of the game for the last 9 months. Um, we didn’t know that, but that sounds terrible. OK, I’ll give her the overbearing mother pass for today… but only today. Maybe.
So Brandi has a best-selling book, huh? I’m fascinated by this. I know she didn’t actually write the book. That’s not the fascinating part. It’s the fact that enough people are interested in a book’s worth of her thoughts to make it a number-one best-seller that is fascinating to me. Look, I have no issue with Brandi – for the most part – but I don’t want to read 200 pages of her thoughts. However, I do give her a tip of the hat that she found her audience and monetized it enough that she can move into a bigger home. I also tip my hat to her for seeing that hottie real estate agent at Kyle’s party and making him her personal agent… and by agent, I mean boyfriend. Movin’ on up, indeed.
Oh yeah, totally spaced that Lisa was on DWTS. Damn, her partner is hot. I mean hoooooottttt hot. I would have signed up to watch that had I known. Shit, I’ll sign up for the show. I mean the definition of “star” is so loose that I might just be able to slip in there. There has to be at least 5 of you out there reading this blog. Doesn’t that qualify me? But Lisa was hoping for a gay partner if she was going to wrap her legs around someone. Honey, enjoy this moment. For all of us.
A Round In The Chamber
Kyle arrives at her clothing store with her hand in a bandage. Apparently, she hurt herself by slipping in pee in her house. Uh, gross. But that’s not stopping her from coming by her fabulous store where she is all about taking the clothes home before they can make it to the racks. Wait, is it possible that this was just a vanity project for Kyle? No way.
While she’s shoving clothes into her purse, a Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce rep comes by to invite her to join. She admits that she doesn’t know what they do. Honestly, neither do I. He says they’re a one-stop resource for businesses in the area. So she could hook up with an art gallery for cross-promotions if she wanted. This is all she needs to know. She’s in and she’ll be throwing a party for them. Wow, that was easy and he got a party thrown in and paid for while he was at. I’m going to swing by and try and sell her some music services. Maybe she’ll throw me a party too. Kyle would like Sur to cater her party as a step forward in her relationship with Lisa. Kyle’s daughter thinks she’s reached out to Lisa enough. Oh daughter, there’s never enough for Kyle.
Shop It To Me
Brandi & Yolanda go shopping for furniture for Brandi’s new house. I see Yolanda is still wearing her uniform of white jeans and crazy blown back hair. She also has taken Brandi to a store that thinks $5,000 is fair for a couch. Apparently, Brandi didn’t tell Yolanda that she isn’t making THAT much money from her book.
Lisa stops by Kyle’s to meet about the food for her Chamber party. Seriously, who wears a skin-tight dress and platform heels on a Tuesday afternoon? I mean it’s a lucky thing if I actually manage to brush my hair on any given day. But I’m not on reality TV, nor living in Lisa’s fabulous world of closets the size of most apartments. Besides she’s got that DWTS bod to show off. After some tense pleasantries, Lisa warns Kyle about the Sur staff and their total lack of sopisticaiton. Understatement. Kyle is not concerned. Her party is casual. Yeah, besides how else would we be able to segue from one show into the other if Sur didn’t cater? Kyle wonders if Lisa has spoken to anyone? Yes, Yolanda…. Kyle thinks Yolanda’s a liar and has no interest in being her friend. This is because Yolanda denies she said Lisa’s full of shit in Paris and Kyle maintains she did. Really, are you still pissed about that? Ridiculous, but I think Kyle just wants Lisa back on “her side”. So, Yolanda is a liar. And yet, Kyle still invited her to the party. I will never understand these women. And that’s probably a good thing.
What say Yolanda about the situation? Well, let’s cut back to her & Brandi and find out. Yolanda can’t imagine why she’d go. She’s been sick for nine months, so why would she go stand at someone’s house when they don’t have good intentions for her. Plus, she would have expected at least a phone call first. She’s far too rational to be on this show.
Back at Kyle’s, Lisa says she doesn’t associate Yolanda with being a liar. Kyle warns her. Oh Kyle, grow up. Lisa would rather talk about the gossip rags saying that Lisa attacked her. Kyle says she never said it. Besides the rags also say she’s pregnant so you know you can’t believe what you read. Yes, Lisa knows this and knows that the rags say lots of things like… Mauricio is cheating. Yes, let’s discuss that! Because you know Lisa couldn’t possibly ignore that. This is a fantastic little grudge match happening here. Dig dig dig… love it. Just then Mauricio walks in with Portia whom he is taking to lunch. Lisa jokes that this is where the rumor comes from that he’s been seen with a younger woman. Ha… that was funny. Well, to everyone that’s not Kyle. Or Mauricio. Kyle doesn’t want her to speak like that in front of her kid… who understood exactly nothing about that sentence. Kyle feels like this is a game to Lisa who is still punishing her. Maybe. So why not just stop kissing her ass? That is the question.
So Kim’s dog Kingsley is the worst-behaved dog on the planet. Ever. Seems Kingsley eats everything from her shoes to her clothes to her sofa. No. Just no. She can’t even make the bed without the dog on it eating the sheets. I’m a firm believer that a dog’s behavior is a reflection on their owner. And well, here you go. OMG, Kim. Do you have control of nothing in your life? Never mind.
Time for Kyle’s party, the new Housewives and the reintroduction to the Vanderpump Rules cast.
Holy shit, what did Katie do to her hair!?!? Sweet Mary, that is not a good look. Not all of us can be a blonde… or an orange… or a whatever that color is. Woo. Bad. I mean I’m as brunette as she is and I understand there is a line of what can be done to my head before the Barnum & Bailey train stops to pick me up. She was trying to go J-Lo and ended up going Bozo.
And while I ponder Katie’s decision to dunk her head in Sun-In, Lisa ponders Kristen’s decision to tell her that she doesn’t want to work the party if she’s not at the same bar as Tom; a decision made known to Lisa via our resident snitch, Scheana. Lisa isn’t interested in Kristen’s thoughts. She interested in making sure Kyle’s guests don’t have to listen to her & Tom bicker all night. When Kristen responds with attitude, Lisa sends her home. Good. What a little snotty bitch. And when she continues her assault on the ears outside, but still within Lisa’s earshot, she gets another lecture. I think she should have gotten fired, but I get that she’s all signed up for Season 2.
Lisa asks Kyle if Yolanda is coming. Kyle says she doesn’t know but she sent an invite and make a phone call. Ah, the phone call YoYo was waiting for… did it sway her? Lisa thinks the whole thing should be dropped – as do we all – because she doesn’t care if Yolanda said she was full of shit or not. So, if she doesn’t care, why does Kyle? Yeah, Kyle, why do you care? Oh of course, self-righteous indignation. Kyle thinks Lisa is intimidated by Yolanda. Methinks Lisa isn’t intimidated by many people, really. Me-also-thinks Kyle is jealous. But Kyle returns with a dig about letting things go. Why are you two friends again? Kyle thinks Lisa’s friendship with Yolanda is a slap in the face. I think you’re petty and desperate for attention. But what do I know?
Hey Kim made it to a party! And she looks great. Two happy surprises! And here comes the first of our two new Housewives, Carlton Gebbia. Kyle introduces herself and asks if she & her husband are with the Chamber. Um, do you really need to pretend for us that you don’t know she’s a new Housewife and you’ll be obligated to invite her to events? I mean we’re not that dumb… well, give me a few more glasses of wine, but right now I’m still connecting A to B. Carlton is English and has three children – Destiny, Mysteri and Cross. Yes, those are the names. That’s all I’m saying.
Oh lookie, Yolanda showed up with Brandi. She said if Kyle called she’d show up and well… she called. Man, it’s a bad hair jamboree tonight – what is happening on Brandi’s head? Her arrival at the party gets her a huge hug from Kim. Did I miss something? I know there was a warming up toward each other in Paris, but I didn’t realize they were now besties. Kyle, on the other hand, is less warm about Yolanda’s arrival. Um, you invited her, called her and you’re the hostess. Go over and say hello. She finally does and it’s awkward at best.
But it’s time to meet the other new Housewife, Joyce Giraud de Ohoven, and her hair… er, I mean husband. She’s a Puerto Rican pageant queen with a body that rivals Brandi’s. Bitches. The other girls come over and tell Kyle she has hair competition. Lisa says she should do a commercial for Pantene, which Kyle thinks was a dig. It was? How was that an insult? Wow, Kyle is a big bag of bitter this season. Joy.
Yolanda & Kyle both acknowledge they need to have a conversation… but not to each other. Let’s just hope they can manage to wait until another time. The new Housewives get to know each other but Miss Puerto Rico makes a sideways comment about Carlton’s kids’ names which does not a happy Miss London make. Good thing I kept my mouth shut.
In the kitchen, Brandi & Kim are chatting when in walks Scheana, naturally. Have to get this show crossover started somehow. Brandi notices that her tooth is grey and has no problem calling her out. Can’t say as I blame her. I mean if you slept with my husband and then cried about it on TV, a dig about your tooth would be the least of your worries. Scheana says she fell and knocked out her two front teeth and this is a temp while the bone is healing. Brandi thinks it’s karma. I would agree.
Back outside, the bitch war between Kyle & Lisa continues behind each others backs. Lisa’s friend Martin says he’s been in a porno, but it was just a VO. Kyle makes a crack about Lisa having done a movie where she showed skin – only 3/4 of a nipple as Lisa tells it. Carlton is shocked that Kyle would talk about Lisa & her nipples, at her party, in front of guests. It’s distasteful. Um, have you never seen this show? These women make a living off of being distasteful.
And with that Kyle goes to sit with Lisa and kiss up to her. She also uses the time to disparage Yolanda’s personality. Does Kyle not realize that we can all see her schoolgirl jealousy from across the room? And when Lisa jokingly pets her, Kyle laughs her big fake laugh to Lisa’s face, and then tells the camera that she knows it was condescending behind her back. Do shut up already. Lisa doesn’t want to be your bestie anymore. Take your wounded ego and go play in another sandbox. You’re embarrassing yourself at this point. Well, at the minimum you’re annoying me.
Rachel: Ah, my bitches are back. Now bring back New York and I’ll be a happy girl. But first, I have to go watch Vanderpump Rules. Lord help me.